Unsent messages to A

i love you. you’re my everything, but please stop playing games with my mind like it’s a puzzle. please.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I cannot remember what we had before. I’m sorry that it causes you so much pain each time I cannot recall. I know you want the best for me no matter what, I also know that it hurts you. I can hear you at night as you mourn the life we had, when you think I’m sleeping, and it hurts because I cannot provide you with the comfort you deserve, for you are deserving of everything. I found the Polaroids of us from before. We were so happy and young, I’m sorry I cannot remember. I’m scared that if I do I will not be able to live up to the standard of who I was before. I’m scared that I am too far gone from who I was and that the feeling you have for me are not for me but for a luckier, happier version of myself. I’m scared that I am not the person that you fell in love with, but a mere stranger with the same face. I’m scared because I love you but I don’t think that the person you love is still alive anymore, that they died in the car accident and all you have left to remind you of them is me.
I’m sorry.

i just want to hear you call me a lower one last time. i want to hold you and protect you. i think i’m in love with you x

i wish i said something more when u were at the door that day cuz i never thought itd be the last fucking time i ever saw u again

Man, I really thought I was gonna marry you. I feel like we shared something special and I will always remember you.

Hey, I had a huge crush on you. Realistically, it wouldn’t work out, but it feels nice letting this out. I wish I knew what you thought about me. I could never tell with you.

Even after all the trauma you put me through, I still wish you well. I hope 1 day you’ll face your demons and will solve what caused you to inflict pain on others. And I hope the person who’s now in your life will not suffer as much as I did. They’re nice. I wish you healing.

i wish you wouldn't have left without saying goodbye. i wish you would have stayed. i knew somewhere in my gut you were the one.

U cuase me pain but I don’t care cuase I liked u so much. I want u so bad and want to be with u but u don’t feel the same way abt me. Sometimes ur amazing but I just think it’s not gonna work. I tell u a lot but u are so secretive I don’t know who is the real u and Wht I will be facing. I want to and do love u. U have been my greatest Wht if. And Ik u don’t feel the same way, but that’s life and pain. fuck this and fuck that

I thought I had a lot left to say and I desperately wanted closure. Then I realized u ghosting me said it all.

I FUCKING HATE YOU BITCH I WANT YOU IN A DITCH
UGH
U MAKE ME EERIE IIIIIIIIIITCHHHHHHHHHHH
UGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

you look so cool while youre skatin. I wish I could stand next to you and ask you all the things I wanna know about you. While the others don't interrupt us and it's only me and you.

I don't know why you feel so special to me when you are just some person I know. But the way you look at me, the way you laugh and how you speak in your voicemails.The feeling you gave me when I suddendly saw one of your stupid messages and got a call from you. When I saw your name on the screen.How you didn't let me touch you at first and then started to let me lean on your shoulder or hold your hand to run faster. It made me feel special, and I hope that you felt it too..the feeling of our dumb starring contests? Just you and me, like all the others weren't there. It felt special..didn't it? I'm not doing well right now..please text me I really need you but I'm not sure if you want me near you..

I know you were one of my soulmates and if that's how they teach you important things, I hope you were my last one to meet.

llegaste en uno de los peores momentos de mi vida, y entonces hiciste que todo cambiase por completo y que yo fuese feliz

it didn't hurt cutting you out of my life it hurt finding out you talked shit about me who was your best friend at the time. honestly, how could you do that to someone. i really thought i could trust you.

3 months away from graduating and all I can think about is how we were supposed to move in together after.

"let me guess you wanna stay friends telling people that's how we been telling every body that we were barely speaking that's kinda funny why'd you call me everyday then"

Solo anheló algún día ver un atardecer junto a ti mientras me cantas “moon talk-kidd keo”como una vez me lo dijiste poder darte un besito en la nariz, algún día estaremos juntos nuevamente y haremos todas esas cosas que siempre quisimos, juntos. Te amo y siempre te amaré, un besito hasta donde estés mi campeón):

Yo sé que también sentías algo por mí. Preferiste ignorar esos sentimientos por miedo, no es nada fácil tener una relación del mismo sexo. Pero eso es lo que más me dolió, que hayas terminado con todo por miedo. Podíamos habernos apoyado. Nunca te voy a perdonar eso. Quedé atascada en ese momento. Y ahora estoy siguiendo mi vida estando con alguien más, pero sigo pensando en lo que no pudo ser. Espero que algún día al fin me dejes en paz y te vayas de mi mente. Realmente te lo agradecería.

Todavía pienso en vos. Todos los días... Sé que nadie va a poder igualarte. No puedo encontrar a alguien como vos por mucho que quiera. Todavía hay miles de cosas que nunca te dije y que me gustaría saber, todavía sigo con esa carga...

Thank you helping me reclaim my worth, for helping me heal and sticking by side until you left... i miss you.

you're not my first love. in fact - you're nothing close. we never even went anywhere romantically. it was always one-sided. that's why this is white. there's no colour i associate with you because i have now come to realise that everything that has happened between us was always platonic - you love someone else. and that's okay. but it's time to let go. time to let go of this romanticised image of you i've had in my head ever since we were kids. i don't know why you out of everyone was the one my mind chose to think of and never stop. you will forever be that person, my childhood crush. i will always get those butterflies when i see you again. that night in when we were kids and dancing to mirror and unconditionally - those songs stuck with me for a reason. and that's why i think of you instantly when the first seconds of those songs reach my ears before i think of anyone else, as wrong as it may be. i want you to be forever happy. never let that smile leave your gorgeous face. i don't think you're ever going to smile for me. it's for her. and that's alright. i'm okay with everything as long as your beautiful smile stays plastered on your face. i'm pretty dumb for having this glorified image of you ever since grade school. i forgot about you, but then you came back. and i don't know why. but when you did, i just romanticised you simply because you were my childhood crush. as time passed by, i forgot about you again. but when i saw you that summer they came flooding back. i knew you were with someone and are to this day. my friends know about you. its been years and you always find a way back into my head. it's not your fault. you never felt the same and it's ok. take a shot every time i say okay. but anyway. what's done is done. my mind painted this beautiful image of you in my head thinking you were the one for me. and there's no telling you aren't. but even if you are - i don't think i'm the one for you. and yeah. you guessed it. it's okay. all of this is just word vomit. i sometimes pause and ask God why he let me do this to myself. was it all in my head? i guess i'll never know. you will forever be mirror to me. forever the kid i grew up laughing with. you made those get togethers fun. the mention of you put a smile on my face since the day i got to know your name. you became a friend, and then a best friend. now we're just strangers. you like my posts sometimes. but at heart, we both know we aren't. i'll always be your friend - and maybe that's a part of the problem. you know i'll always let you in and be there for you. and honestly, im prepared to. that's what friends are for. but you've taken up so much of my headspace that i think i just need to let go. let go of those feelings, those misunderstood, unsaid things. you will always be my friend. don't hesitate to reach out. but i need to let go of the version of myself that held you up so high. you have the most precious smile, and i see you in everyone. but you were just a lesson, just a friend. not meant to be anything more. is it bad that i don't fully believe that yet? you said you want to marry her. you love her. there probably will never be a chance to reconcile and it's okay. i used to live in the hope of us having a chance in the future. but it seems too slight to live off of anymore. maybe you aren't that childhood best friend i end up with. it's okay. my mind is at fault for thinking those things. i was a kid. it's normal to do that. but those thoughts really stuck. i have this make believe version of you and my feelings towards you in my head. you're not the one for me, you're not my rahul. i need to accept that. you're the kid i sang stereo hearts to, and the one i will always think of when certain things come up - like the song mirrors. i've always told my friends you're that one person that never leaves my mind, no matter how many years its been. but i'm in control of my thoughts. so i kept going with that fantasy but i have to stop and realise that it may not be true at all. and its even scary to let go of that fantasy - because it's taken up so much of my life, and something that feels familiar - something i've always known. maybe that's why my head stuck onto you. you're familiar, you're comfortable. you're a safe spot. your laugh is a sanctuary. but it's not meant for me. it's time to realise that. i can't hurt him because of the picture i painted of you in my head years ago as a child. i can't. i don't know if he's my rahul, or the one. but i can't keep thinking of you when i'm supposed to be thinking of others. you will always be the boy i wrote my first story about - looking back it makes me laugh. i don't know if you'll ever find this - part of me hopes you do. i doubt it. i don't know if you'll know it's towards you if you do. but either way i needed to write it for the closure i need. for the sake of myself and others. i hope it helps and i pray to God whatever happens is for the best and he helps lead my heart in the right direction. ur forever the gayest person ever. i don't think i loved you, but as a friend i always will. so there you go. i love you, mirror. you may not be my mirror or anywhere close - only God knows what the future has in store. but for now, i know for a fact you aren't. because you think of someone who isn't me when that song plays, and that's more than okay. i wish nothing but the best for you two. i hope your family is doing well - i hope you're doing well. i really hope you don't find this because it would be embarrassing to read. but you know what? it's okay. there's a bunch of submissions - you'll never know if one was ever meant for you out of all the other people that could be called the same thing. out of the billions of people in the world, you can never be sure. anyway - hope you're doing well. you seem so far but you're close. i want to check up on you but i hold myself back. hope you are the happiest ever because you deserve the world and more. hope u worked on yourself and became better for her. you will always have a special place in my heart. if you aren't married by 40 and neither am i, hit my line shordy ;).

p.s. this was all joke haha unless pls this made me so vulnerable fuck you anyway you literally are so gay.

Hey! I just wanna tell you that I miss you so much, we don't talk anymore but I still think that you are my soulmate, and I'm pretty sure I will see you in my next life, you changed my life, you changed my mind, I'm still thankfull for meeting you, I will never forget you. Sometimes I just want to talk you again and just tell you all about my life, my friends, lovers, what I have planed in my life and that stuff, oh god I really miss you, but you have another best friend now and well I can't do nothing else than just wait to see you in another life. It will happen, love u always.

i knew you were playing me whenever u said u didn’t want to date. but oh god, i was in too deep already.

I have no reason to be this in love you still... it’s like you are the one but also not the one. I try to stop thinking about you but I can’t because whenever I hear your name my heart melts.

it hurts that we never got a proper goodbye. if I had known then I would've confessed the moment I met you how much you meant to me.

you hurt me the most. I wasn't in love with you romantically but at one point I loved you more than anything

Me hubiera gustado que lo hubiéramos intentado, aún te extraño, te seguiré esperando y serás tú mi primer amor, con el que nunca pude estar, pero que guardaré con cariño en mi corazón.

one year ago today u asked me to be ur girlfriend. now look where we are. strangers. i hope u still think about me.

You broke my heart into a million pieces dude.. you probably don’t even realize how much ur hurting me

i like to think everyone has multiple soulmates, hopefully you have one of yours, even if it couldn't be me

quiero hablarte, quiero conocerte y no sólo de vista. Pero soy incapaz de empezar la conversación y siento que nunca seré capaz de hablarte y el tiempo pasará y me olvidaré de ti.

I hope the friends you turned your back to me for are worth it. No one will ever love and care for you like I once did.

you were the best and worst thing to ever happen to me - I now dont believe in love because of the way you broke me. you ruined my life for a year but I came back stronger than ever. FU

hi.
i just wanted to say that i will not be waiting for you anymore. i waited for you too long, i am ready to let go now. im pretty sure you havent even thought about me. but idc, i spent all this time praying for you to text me, call me idk. man i would've died for you. it has been 3 years since we met, and you know what? i would still spend eternity waiting for you, cus my heart says that u are worth it.
and the fact that you havent even called me once just fucks it up more. you son of a bitch , i would have done everything for you. you have no idea how pissed i am at you. i ditched my valentine for you, i did everything for you. i tried so hard to be the one, and the best thing i have ever heard from you about me was " i realised, im sorry, i dont wanna loose a friend like you". man, i still have hope u gon text me or call me. pls do. i want to wait more, but i just cant. i love you, idc if its to late, i have always loved you , since the day we met. im so fucking in love with you. im sick of it, im sick of dreaming about you, thinking about you , im just so sick of it man. but im ready. ready to leave you behind.

Till we meet again my bestfriend, my first love, my x.

You made me feel such a way I scared myself. Exhilarating, intoxicating almost- leaving me yearning on that same feeling i’d never managed to match. It’s bittersweet really, I look for you in everyone- even myself. I have never met another soul with such depth and aspiration, and I guess it terrifies me. You see, people like you are like playing with fire, someone’s bound to get burned in the end. And I don’t want that to happen, not just yet. I’d rather wait a million years than throw it all away for nothing. I know our paths will cross again some day, and until that day you’ll reside in my mind and I’ll see you in everything. Thank you darling, I love you

i don’t know If you still care about me or not, but i’d still die just to have one more day with you...

somebody please help me, i cant figure out if im bi (or lesbian?? idk). i liked my best friend in middle school (but didnt call it that, just "wanted to be closer to her") and turns out she's questioned too and has liked me back, but never at the same time. now, years later, after repressing and almost forgetting about those feelings, i found out she like (s/d?) me again, and now i cant stop thinking about her.

No era necesario decirme que hice tu regalo porque quería y no porque lo pediste, La estabas pasando mal y solo quería animarte, Si me puse a llorar y a creer que no habían salidas es porque era importante para mi, Tu siempre fuiste y serás importante para mi, Aunque se que yo ya no lo soy para ti, Se que ahora eres feliz gracias a otra persona, Y estoy feliz por ti! Me alegro mucho por ti, Enserio, Pero aveces me dan ganas de llorar como no tienes idea, Yo si me enamore y se que si te lo digo me dirás que me lo advertiste, me dijiste que esto no sería eterno pero enserio por un momento creí que el te amo que me decías era verdadero, Enserio creí que lo era, Espero que encuentres a tu rey o a tu reina, Mi brillante estrella de la mañana.

I thought you loved me, que esto iba a funcionar porque congeniábamos bien, siento que te excusaste al decir que no pegábamos para evitar contarme que quizás hay alguien más. Usada, enojada, triste, mixed feelings about u, i'm scared to trust again. i'm bored.

Thanks for not even trying to talk to me after I blocked you. Still love you and will always will, don´t care what anyone else thinks. ❤️First love and last one, for fuck sake, why couldn´t I just open up and tell you how I really felt. From the first time we talked 3 hours I knew that I wanted you. I am sorry that I always mess up
I'm sorry that I blocked you
I'm sorry that I ignored you
but you really hurt me
feels like I have scars on my heart every time I see you just talking to her. Hope you enjoy the bitch that went behind my back. Hope you bitches enjoy this almost finished schoolyear. Just wish I could talk to you one last time without her being in the way. Even though I know who she will end up, I still hate seeing you talk to her. I just wish I could talk to you GODDD! I WOULD DO EVERYTHINGGGG. guess we aren´t meant to be, but truly inside you know it and so do I. Well, I know you won´t read this since I wrote it in this "stupid" website, but I will truly say how I feel if I just get to talk to you one last time. I swear next time I get the chance, or we end up together in a project I will say everything.

I know that it still won´t change anything, but I´ve always loved you, but stop talking to that BITCH. Hope she enjoys the rest of this year before we split up. So I can never see your face or her face, fuck both of you and hope you enjoy her.

The only reason I liked quarantine was because of you. I always smiled when someone said your name, wish you did too. I´ll stop writing or else I might...
just ignore all of this and go back to the bitch even though we both know she won´t end up with you.

I know she won´t end up with you, not only because of cultural differences, but also other things. Just try for the last time. Wish i could be more real to you about how i felt, but when i feel something i just block it.


FUCK YOU and fuck her

Thanks for not even trying to talk to me after I blocked you. Still love you and will always will, don´t care what anyone else thinks. ❤️First love and last one, for fuck sake, why couldn´t I just open up and tell you how I really felt. From the first time we talked 3 hours I knew that I wanted you. I am sorry that I always mess up
I'm sorry that I blocked you
I'm sorry that I ignored you
but you really hurt me
feels like I have scars on my heart every time I see you just talking to her. Hope you enjoy the bitch that went behind my back. Hope you bitches enjoy this almost finished schoolyear. Just wish I could talk to you one last time without her being in the way. Even though I know who she will end up, I still hate seeing you talk to her. I just wish I could talk to you GODDD! I WOULD DO EVERYTHINGGGG. guess we aren´t meant to be, but truly inside you know it and so do I. Well, I know you won´t read this since I wrote it in this "stupid" website, but I will truly say how I feel if I just get to talk to you one last time. I swear next time I get the chance, or we end up together in a project I will say everything.

I know that it still won´t change anything, but I´ve always loved you, but stop talking to that BITCH. Hope she enjoys the rest of this year before we split up. So I can never see your face or her face, fuck both of you and hope you enjoy her.

The only reason I liked quarantine was because of you. I always smiled when someone said your name, wish you did too. I´ll stop writing or else I might...
just ignore all of this and go back to the bitch even though we both know she won´t end up with you.

I know she won´t end up with you, not only because of cultural differences, but also other things. Just try for the last time. Wish i could be more real to you about how i felt, but when i feel something i just block it.


FUCK YOU and fuck her

Thanks for not even trying to talk to me after I blocked you. Still love you and will always will, don´t care what anyone else thinks. ❤️First love and last one, for fuck sake, why couldn´t I just open up and tell you how I really felt. From the first time we talked 3 hours I knew that I wanted you. I am sorry that I always mess up
I'm sorry that I blocked you
I'm sorry that I ignored you
but you really hurt me
feels like I have scars on my heart every time I see you just talking to her. Hope you enjoy the bitch that went behind my back. Hope you bitches enjoy this almost finished schoolyear. Just wish I could talk to you one last time without her being in the way. Even though I know who she will end up, I still hate seeing you talk to her. I just wish I could talk to you GODDD! I WOULD DO EVERYTHINGGGG. guess we aren´t meant to be, but truly inside you know it and so do I. Well, I know you won´t read this since I wrote it in this "stupid" website, but I will truly say how I feel if I just get to talk to you one last time. I swear next time I get the chance, or we end up together in a project I will say everything.

I know that it still won´t change anything, but I´ve always loved you, but stop talking to that BITCH. Hope she enjoys the rest of this year before we split up. So I can never see your face or her face, fuck both of you and hope you enjoy her.

The only reason I liked quarantine was because of you. I always smiled when someone said your name, wish you did too. I´ll stop writing or else I might...
just ignore all of this and go back to the bitch even though we both know she won´t end up with you.

I know she won´t end up with you, not only because of cultural differences, but also other things. Just try for the last time. Wish i could be more real to you about how i felt, but when i feel something i just block it.


FUCK YOU and fuck her

even when i think im happy with somebody new, i wonder what it would be like if you showed up at my door

sometimes i still miss you. i know i shouldn’t, because you don’t miss me. but yeah i’m always here for you. Love, C xx

i’ve been overthinking this for way too long but fucking hell, friends don’t act and look at each other like that

I just don’t understand why you won’t text me. Like please just let me know what I even mean to you. Did I just imagine our connection? I miss ur laugh. I miss the warmth of ur body on mine. I miss the way you would show ur kindness to everyone. Is it selfish of me to want to be the only one that sees ur kind smile? I know you are going through things with ur ex and everything but why can’t you let me help you? Am I not enough for you? You told me you wouldn’t forget about me but now that ur gone it feels like i meant nothing to you. Was I just some sort of temporary relief? I just miss you, everything about you. The good the bad just everything that makes you,you. When you left I cried but you can’t even pick up ur phone to send a simple text? Am I that insignificant to you? The worst part is you won’t even tell me, please just tell me.

I hate that I had to watch you catch feelings for my bestfriend and fuck around with her behind my back when you were supposed to be with me.

I love you and i wish i could of told you earlier before you started dating her. I wish i could of told you before but now i see you pass by with your lover while i crumble into pieces like a dry petal...