Unsent Messages

you're not my first love. in fact - you're nothing close. we never even went anywhere romantically. it was always one-sided. that's why this is white. there's no colour i associate with you because i have now come to realise that everything that has happened between us was always platonic - you love someone else. and that's okay. but it's time to let go. time to let go of this romanticised image of you i've had in my head ever since we were kids. i don't know why you out of everyone was the one my mind chose to think of and never stop. you will forever be that person, my childhood crush. i will always get those butterflies when i see you again. that night in when we were kids and dancing to mirror and unconditionally - those songs stuck with me for a reason. and that's why i think of you instantly when the first seconds of those songs reach my ears before i think of anyone else, as wrong as it may be. i want you to be forever happy. never let that smile leave your gorgeous face. i don't think you're ever going to smile for me. it's for her. and that's alright. i'm okay with everything as long as your beautiful smile stays plastered on your face. i'm pretty dumb for having this glorified image of you ever since grade school. i forgot about you, but then you came back. and i don't know why. but when you did, i just romanticised you simply because you were my childhood crush. as time passed by, i forgot about you again. but when i saw you that summer they came flooding back. i knew you were with someone and are to this day. my friends know about you. its been years and you always find a way back into my head. it's not your fault. you never felt the same and it's ok. take a shot every time i say okay. but anyway. what's done is done. my mind painted this beautiful image of you in my head thinking you were the one for me. and there's no telling you aren't. but even if you are - i don't think i'm the one for you. and yeah. you guessed it. it's okay. all of this is just word vomit. i sometimes pause and ask God why he let me do this to myself. was it all in my head? i guess i'll never know. you will forever be mirror to me. forever the kid i grew up laughing with. you made those get togethers fun. the mention of you put a smile on my face since the day i got to know your name. you became a friend, and then a best friend. now we're just strangers. you like my posts sometimes. but at heart, we both know we aren't. i'll always be your friend - and maybe that's a part of the problem. you know i'll always let you in and be there for you. and honestly, im prepared to. that's what friends are for. but you've taken up so much of my headspace that i think i just need to let go. let go of those feelings, those misunderstood, unsaid things. you will always be my friend. don't hesitate to reach out. but i need to let go of the version of myself that held you up so high. you have the most precious smile, and i see you in everyone. but you were just a lesson, just a friend. not meant to be anything more. is it bad that i don't fully believe that yet? you said you want to marry her. you love her. there probably will never be a chance to reconcile and it's okay. i used to live in the hope of us having a chance in the future. but it seems too slight to live off of anymore. maybe you aren't that childhood best friend i end up with. it's okay. my mind is at fault for thinking those things. i was a kid. it's normal to do that. but those thoughts really stuck. i have this make believe version of you and my feelings towards you in my head. you're not the one for me, you're not my rahul. i need to accept that. you're the kid i sang stereo hearts to, and the one i will always think of when certain things come up - like the song mirrors. i've always told my friends you're that one person that never leaves my mind, no matter how many years its been. but i'm in control of my thoughts. so i kept going with that fantasy but i have to stop and realise that it may not be true at all. and its even scary to let go of that fantasy - because it's taken up so much of my life, and something that feels familiar - something i've always known. maybe that's why my head stuck onto you. you're familiar, you're comfortable. you're a safe spot. your laugh is a sanctuary. but it's not meant for me. it's time to realise that. i can't hurt him because of the picture i painted of you in my head years ago as a child. i can't. i don't know if he's my rahul, or the one. but i can't keep thinking of you when i'm supposed to be thinking of others. you will always be the boy i wrote my first story about - looking back it makes me laugh. i don't know if you'll ever find this - part of me hopes you do. i doubt it. i don't know if you'll know it's towards you if you do. but either way i needed to write it for the closure i need. for the sake of myself and others. i hope it helps and i pray to God whatever happens is for the best and he helps lead my heart in the right direction. ur forever the gayest person ever. i don't think i loved you, but as a friend i always will. so there you go. i love you, mirror. you may not be my mirror or anywhere close - only God knows what the future has in store. but for now, i know for a fact you aren't. because you think of someone who isn't me when that song plays, and that's more than okay. i wish nothing but the best for you two. i hope your family is doing well - i hope you're doing well. i really hope you don't find this because it would be embarrassing to read. but you know what? it's okay. there's a bunch of submissions - you'll never know if one was ever meant for you out of all the other people that could be called the same thing. out of the billions of people in the world, you can never be sure. anyway - hope you're doing well. you seem so far but you're close. i want to check up on you but i hold myself back. hope you are the happiest ever because you deserve the world and more. hope u worked on yourself and became better for her. you will always have a special place in my heart. if you aren't married by 40 and neither am i, hit my line shordy ;).

p.s. this was all joke haha unless pls this made me so vulnerable fuck you anyway you literally are so gay.