Unsent messages to BEN

I don’t understand you. But I thank and appreciate everything you put me through because now I know just how strong I am.

i hope you realise what am amazing person you can be, no matter what everyone says deep down i know he’s still in there somewhere.

im not sure what made me fall in love with you. maybe it was your smile or your dumb jokes, just know i miss you.

You saved me just when I was about to give up and you will never know how much I love you and it's sad :(

i just want to thank you for everything, i loved watching you grow throughout our relationship and seeing your frown slowly turn into a smile, you taught me how to love and i wont ever be able to thank you enough, i know im not perfect and never will be i mean no ones perfect, but at least i know my worth. You helped me find confidence with in myself which leaded me into being a better person, i miss you a lot i still think about you all the time but i feel stupid cause you dont even care about me, ig thats life. Anyways i really enjoyed every moment i spent with you and hope we can be friends one day in the future :)

idk y i still hv a crush on u after all this time but like FUCK i stg i get so awks around u even tho we literally never talk lmfao n i am trying my hardest to get over u but its not working and u dont even know i like u lolz so if ur seeing this have fun trying to figure out who i am :)

I think I liked you, but it could have just been you were the first boy to show me kindness. Either way, take care lol

I've wanted you for a whole year. Please give me another chance. I know that we could have so much fun together.

this will be long. but it's everything i've ever wanted to say. i hope you miss me. because i know i miss you. i miss when you would just look at me, and smile. i miss when you begged me not to leave you. we both knew i never would. i miss the way your face used to light up when you saw me. you'd keep me in your arms forever ben. and i was never tired of it for a second. but when i wasn't with you it felt like my world was crumbling. you really were my first love. my first everything, almost. but i was just a page in your book i think. you lied to me. about so many things. and i trusted you with everything in me. i gave everything i had for you. and it was never enough. i wish it was. but i also wish i never met you. because months later, i miss you. you never leave my head. and i just want you back. but it won't happen. and that's what hurts the most. because nobody else is you. and you moved on so fast. but i wasn't ready to. i just want to be in your arms again, for hours. to spend another day with you, and just tell you i love you. because i do. i love you. so much. but i wish we never met.

i did love you. and you used that. you hurt me in so many ways, but i've never stopped loving you. not for a single day.

i never told you truthfuly everything i fucking loved you with all of me i truly mean it. whenever i see you or hear of you i want to just run and hug you and lay with you for ages and just hug.

I love you so much more than you love me, if you even love me at all. I just wish I never fell for you.

Hey! How is life going? Haven’t heard from you in a while....
we need to catch up so hmu if u want to

hey ben,
i miss u
i honestly don’t know what happened to us. and i want u back. i know ur well over me but give me one more shot and i’ll make it up to u xo
i still love you
form ruby

I just wanna let you know that you fucked up everything between us and i hate ur fucking guts. FUCK U

your the one i’m always thinking about, always on my mind but i’ll never tell you as i’m too scared. i love you

Im so in love with you, but im still stuggling to get over my past. I appreciate how hard you're trying with me and i appreciate you so much

i wish you still loved me like i do. i know i ended things but it was only because your feelings changed and it was hurting me.

no one will ever know what we did if they knew everything would be hell. are you ashamed of what happened?

i loved you. but we were never ready, I think we both knew but were too scared. i miss you too much, we still see each other everyday and speak but it'll never be the same as 3 years ago. i miss the old you. I'm sorry I wronged you.

Hi,
Mia here.
I need you to hug me, like you mean it tho.. like we always would do until we couldn't no more. I miss you.. everyday. I miss me feeling safe in your arms. The butterflies you gave me and my favorite.. your love for me. Everyday is harder then the last and no matter how much i talk about it, i overthink weather or not you ever loved me or if it was just me. Because i felt it.. and that love will never go. Even on my last day here because you changed me ben. For the better idk, either way i just want at least 1 more long hug, letting me know you care.
Lots of love
Huggy xxx

i love you, you hurt me. i dont think our souls were meant to meet, my love is fading and i know urs is. i hope we can love eachother again in another life.

you were my first love and probably my last im not in a good space right now and i just wanted you to know i love you and always will and you never did anything wrong i shouldnt have let myself get hurt that easily

I'm sry for that one time I told people about what you sent me. But we're even because ik you prob told your friends about what I sent you.

You make me feel all emotions. when we use to talk. But you looked at me today and you have no idea how much that meant to me. Can we be friends? or maybe something more. I'm fine with either but I just want to talk to you, and hang out.

You confuse me. All the time. When you stare at me, I never know what it means. But I know what I want it to mean.

Thank you for the worst relationship of my life. I have learned a lot from you and now know what my worth is.

Hey i'm really glad that I met you and I miss you a lot but I know you don't miss me back. I just wish you wouldn't have left me.

You're not really that cool. I don't know why i let you take over my life,
and please spell my name right its not hard.

wasn't gonna submit one about you, but ur an interesting one. idk why but i always keep coming back to you. you're so easy to be around like too easy. it's literally an escape from reality whenever i'm with you, but u do make me feel weird about myself that's for sure. compared to other guys i've been with you're surprisingly one of the better ones which says a lot about how shitty the guys i get with are. i'm tired and emotionally drained so i'll leave it at this: i don't have feelings for u but i wish u had some for me :)

uh hi! it really sucks that you're so out of my league it hurts tbh. i can't tell you how much i like you without embarrassing myself - even though i did tell you but it's obvious you don't feel the same way back :( i've never wanted you to feel obligated to like me back but thank you for just being you. you've been the nicest person to me throughout all the painful years of unrequited love and i couldn't ask for anything more. it hurts so bad that you've never reciprocated these feelings but i guess that's life! i hope you do well in your future, i want nothing but the best for you. from, your not so secret admirer :)

hey. i never told you how i felt lol. i was always way too scared because i didn't want to be humiliated. so now i'm stuck with what could've been...

I had thought that I had found the one and that was you, you stopped hanging out with me, stopped talking to me, but started talking to her starting hanging out with her. I used to watch you out of my window. You and her laughing, chasing each other. The way you looked at her, you never looked at me that way. You would find ways to say you've gotta go home. You hurt me. And you started dating her after I moved. Do you know how that made me feel no you don't. You can tell all of our friends that I was the one who stopped but we both know it was you. God what am I even doing. I never told anyone this but I hate you and I hate your guts you where the first boy I ever told that I loved them and meant it. You had gotten all of our friends to hate me. How could you do this to me. You where jus a bump in the road to my future husband. Right now you mean nothing to me. How could you look at her the way you never did to me. Your my fist cheek kiss, my first hug, my first holding of hands. And when I was with you I was happy, until that day when I was out, you came out then went back in. I sat on the grass for an hour, we had no way of talking or communicating. You talked to her more than you talked to me. How could you.

You hurt me more than anyone has in a long time and the worst part is I can’t be mad at you cuz you don’t know how bad it really was.

I miss you lots. I am hurt we went from being around each other everyday to barely talking anymore. I wish you would ask about me and hit me up sometimes. anyways, I love you.

you told me you were confused about me and i feel the same way. but i acted like i didn't understand what you were saying because she likes you.

I had so much fun with you back in elementary school, but I ngl had a crush on you that made me first realize I was not like the other boys in our class. Thank you for the awakening you gave even though you may have never known.

i thought i loved you. i fell in love with you because you did too, and then you left. what am i supposed to do now? i miss you more than anything, i can’t stop thinking of you. everything reminds me of you and i can’t ever seem to stop crying. i wish i could get over you. please for god sakes disappear so i can start to be okay. i cant bear seeing you in school daily and see you smiling with your friends.

i’m in love with you and i don’t know how to tell you because your my bestfriend. I know that if i tell you this our friendship would never be the same.

i watched you slowly fade away, while you got meaner, and meaner. you cared less and loved less and at the very last point you even admitted to not loving or caring for me anymore, no matter how hard you tried you said you couldnt. and you were tired of pretending so you didnt want me in your life anymore. you tossed me out as a bestfriend for some girl. after staying on the phone for hours, days, and even weeks, going through the rough and dark time together including us not wanting to be alive anymore, through you figuring yourself out somewhat, through us breaking up and me getting in a toxic relationship to try and get over you because i knew i was head over heels in love with you and there was no changing that, to you telling me that you wanted me back after our break up because you couldnt do it without me, to us drifting apart, not calling anymore because you were too busy with your new girl and school and horse riding, and to you blocking me on everything because i cared and loved for you too much, and becausd you hurt me too much and i was too good of a person and "needed to forget you". you cheated, lied, lead me on for six months almost seven, just for a three week relationship that made me hate myself more and more everysingle day and then finding out you cheated and lied about the girl you fucking promised was a family friend, then you met her on yubo, and then you guys went to school together, so, many, lies. the only time i lied was when i told you i was doing home work for school. i wasnt. i was shopping for all those birthday presents for you. i was working and doing chores to get money to come see you. after every single fucking thing i did for you, you fucking blocked me. i loved you with my whole heart. i still do and always will and i will never stop. but why did you

what did i do wrong? what did i do to make you not care for me or love me after everything we went through together. why was i "too much" for you. why did you tell me that you were in love with me but then go and text her. why did you date me only because she didn't want to date you. why did you use me for that long. why couldn't you have let me go easier. why me?

Hey ben. I just want you to keep in mind that i am not writing this to make you feel bad i just need to get my feelings across and this is the best way i can think of doing it. So, it all began the first day of seventh grade. I walked into homeroom and your blazing bright blue eyes immediately caught my eye. Over a short period of time i caught feelings, and i caught them hard. You were always on my mind. You actually still are. We will talk about that later though. So during seventh grade we actually became good friends and we had a special bond. I asked you out multiple times, like the stupid 7th grader i was. And you rejected me everytime. We still stayed relatively friends though. We never let the circumstances affect our friendship. I remember you would always tease me and i acted like i hated it , but i loved it. Even though i was so young, i started thinking i loved you. I loved talking to you and you always put a smile on my face. You still do. But sadly the summer before 8th grade, we lost contact. I didn't talk to you very much those couple of months. I was starting to lose feelings. I started talking to one of your best friends. Its funny, i remember one day you guys were at the pool, and he snapped me a pic of you. My heart immediately dropped to my gut. The feelings were back. I remember taking the LONGEST time trying to take a cute picture to send back, just incase he showed you. Even though i liked you i still also liked your friend. Once 8th grade started and i started dating your friend, we saw a lot of each other. During lunch i would always talk to your friend and you were always with him. Those conversations were the highlights of my day. We became friends again. I liked it. But soon me and your friend broke up. I stopped talking to you during lunch. And our friendship kind of got cut off again. We still talked whenever our friends started talking, but neither of us started a conversation ourselves. I was always too scared. Scared to do or say something that you wouldn't like. That's how much i cared about you. Over the course of 8th grade i distracted myself with crushes. None of them had as big of a place in my heart as you did. Before i knew it, it was the new year. I thought of it as a fresh start. And it was, except for the fact that i still had feelings for you. You were always in the back of my head. We got back from break and i started seeing you on a daily basis at school. One day at lunch i went up to katyusha, in the lunch line, and she was talking to you. I hear her ask you "Who do you like?" I could feel my cheeks get hot. "is it Greta?" she asked you. You replied with no. My stomach got a weird feeling, but at this point i was used to the rejection. You didn't like me before, so why would you now? Although it didn't really bother me, it stuck with me the rest of the day. It was all i could think about. Later that night, i got a snap from you. I remember thinking "omg what if he likes me" I laughed at that thought. I of course replied immediately. About an hour later katyusha texts me saying "omg you will never guess what ben just told me! He likes you!" I can't explain the happiness that rushed through my body. I got up around my room and started squealing and jumping up and down. Later that night you told me yourself that you liked me. The next week was the best week of my life. I was so excited to go to school for the sole reason that i got to see you. That whole week i couldn't stop smiling. The boy i had liked for a year finally liked me back. Why wouldn't i be happy? I was so happy even people around me were noticing a change in my presence. All day i looked forward to our late night talks. You were so nice to me. And as funny as ever. I really started to love life at that point. Sadly after only a week of this honeymoon period, things took a turn for the worse. You ghosted me. You stopped replying to me, stopped talking to me. At this time you were going through some sad things. At first i thought that was all it was, so i gave you your space. After a couple days, I knew something was wrong. One afternoon at school, i was sitting in the chorus room waiting to start music priority. I was really stressed over what was happening with you. I am an overthinker. You know that about me. We actually know a lot about each other, but that is for another day. Anyways, i saw katyusha and so i waved her over. As soon as i saw her face, i knew what happened. Without her even telling me I knew you didn't feel the same anymore. She sat down and i asked her "He doesn't like me anymore, does he?" She looked me in the eyes and shook her head. My heart dropped as fast as my tears. I could feel everything start to unravel. Just to make things better, the teacher was beginning the class. I could feel everyone's stares, everyone's judgment. It didn't make me feel better. I was trying to cry as quiet as i could, but i was failing. My face was all puffy, and my shirt was soaking from my thick tears. I just wanted to end everything. I was starting to not be able to hide my sobs as well as i was before. Thankfully the teacher finished giving us instructions. As soon as everyone started doing their own thing, i got up and without even saying anything she told me and katyusha to go to the bathroom and take as long as i need to calm down. Man i loved that teacher. I took katyushas hand and ran to the door. The quicker i got out of that room, the quicker i could let myself fall apart. As soon as i heard that door close behind me i just fell into pieces. I started shaking and hyperventilating. Katyusha took me to the bathroom, that is where i fell apart more than i ever thought i could. She gave me hug, trying to calm me down. My breaths got shorter and shorter, and my sobs got louder and louder. After i cried as much as i humanly could, literally i don't think there was anything left in me. I was empty. I was nothing without you. I was just nothing. I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't even recognize the girl that was staring back at me. I started thinking to myself "What did i do?", "why doesn't he like me anymore?", "am i not pretty enough for him?", "am i not good enough for him?" I picked myself apart into tiny pieces trying to find out what i need to change to make you like me again. I looked at all my insecurities and saw them as flaws. I started to hate every single thing about me. My eyes, my hair, my laugh, my smile, my personality, my body. The period was almost over and katyusha had calmed me down. I was starting to catch my breath and not be as dizzy. That day i had talent show practice after school, so as soon as that bell rang, i ran to my teachers room. I was very close to her and so i filled her in on what happened. She made me come up with a list of things i was feeling. Some of the words i remember were embarrassed, stupid, and discombobulated. I don't know why but that was just the way you made me feel. I went home and layed in bed crying to sad music, as every heartbroken teenage girl does. I had swim that night, which was actually nice, for it got my mind off of everything. It got my mind off of you. After swim i got a snap from you. You apologized for everything. I said it was ok and i was fine. A part of me wishes i had yelled at you and told you how stupid i feel to think a boy like you liked a girl like me. But i didn't. I got home and cried myself to sleep. The next day at school katyusha told me that you threw up when you heard how hard you made me cry. I felt a little better knowing you still cared about me. I noticed you weren't at school that morning. For some reason that ticked me off. Why did you, the one who ended things get to stay home instead of me, who was crying for the past 24 hours. Later that day i saw you unpack your bag and my face got all hot. Not in the cute blushing way it used to. This time i was mad. I had track after school and so i ranted on the bus there. Maybe a little too loud. Sorry about that. We stopped talking, and our friendship was ended. Fast-forward a month and we are in quarantine. I was starting to catch feelings for you again...ikr shocker. I never told you. I would cry myself to sleep at night, wondering what it is that makes you not like me. I texted you, asking to talk about everything that happened and try and fix our friendship. As you probably remember we got in that really big fight. I am truly sorry for everything i said. But we blocked each other and lost ALL contact. I would stay up at night convincing myself that it was for the best. I would put a cover on for my friends. I hated not being able to talk to you. But life went on. Quarantine was a very dark path for me. I was very insecure about my body. I was exercising at least two times a day and dieting like crazy. I developed an eating disorder. I would starve myself and exercise four hours everyday. It got so bad i weighed almost under 100 pounds. No one ever found out about it though because i am always the happy friend and the happy friend never has any problems. Anyways, it was already summer and i had a fling. I don't think there was a day in the summer you didn't cross my mind at least once. Summer ended, as well as my fling, and before i knew it we were back in school. I knew we didn't have any classes together because i made my friends check. I planned on just avoiding you. On the first day after second period i ran into you in the halls. I stopped in my tracks. My eyes widened wider than i knew they could. I don't even think you saw me. I continued on with my day replaying the moment i saw you over and over in my head. I knew that i needed you back in my life. I planned on going up to you in the halls and apologizing for everything, but obviously i chickened out. Instead i added you on snap. Part of me was expecting it to not allow me to add you since you had me blocked. Surprisingly it let me add you. Even more surprising, you added me back within minutes. I texted you saying how sorry i was and you also apologized, and since then we have been snapping on and off. For a while there i didn't have any romantic feelings for you. That changed a couple days after shauna's party. We talked in person for the first time in what felt like forever. It was so easy to talk to you and you made me laugh. I had such a good time. After that i found myself sad whenever i saw you left me on read/opened. That is when i started to confuse my platonic and romantic feelings. I told you i liked you again. You took it well like you normally do. We were snapping constantly and a part of me thought there was a chance you liked me back. That part of me died a couple nights later when you made it pretty obvious you didn't feel the same way. I was sad but not surprised. A couple days later i figured out that i think i just like you in a friendship type of way. I told you this and you replied with a simple "k". You then left me on opened. I was a little upset. I started thinking and i started to think, what if you are mad i don't like you anymore. You have no idea how much i wanted to ask you. I still want to ask you. I want to find out exactly how you feel about me, because i have no idea what is going on in my mind and chest. It's like whenever we are snapping fast and having actual conversations i like you, and then whenever you leave me on opened or are being dry i am cool with just friendship. So what i think i feel right now is that i need you in my life. I don't know what role you will have but we have four years to figure that out. I am in no rush.

Hey...I know it's been a while. If you're seeing this right now, it probably means that we are together. If not, you'll probably never see this but I still have to say this. It's been eight months. I've waited, so you can't say that I haven't. Even though I love you and I always will. I need to love myself too. Thanks to Angela I learned that. So I'm moving on. I'm getting over you because I need to STOP. You ARE my right person at the worst time possible. I'll miss you and everything that happened between us. I'll remember every single moment that I spent with you. But for now...I need to stop loving you. But who knows? We've been through so much. If we're meant to be, we will be together, if not, I hope that you find someone that makes you happy. I love you and goodbye.

I care for you so much, more than you will ever know. I wish I could tell you how i feel ab you but you dont care. But if you think about it, there is a reason i do all of your homework and write all your essays. i love you.

I found a video of you saying I love you. I never thought I would hear that again, it was nice. Please come back.

I hate that I try to get over you then it nearly works and then you do something and I end up liking you again >:(

less than two months and then i never have to see you again. well, maybe. you never know. i hope i never see you again. i wish we never happened. if i'm being honest, i think you probably had stronger feelings for me than i ever did for you. i think you still do. i can tell by the way you stare at me. how hide your laugh when i say something funny. and most importantly, how i look at someone else the way you look at me. i'm glad you're going to be out of my life for good because you were never a friend to me. i'm much better off without you.

I never meet you in real life and I really loved you hope your okay and all your dreams will come true

i miss you. i miss you and it never stops, i wish i could tell you but if you don't care it'll break me

I don't want to fall in love with you again. I'll never forget how it felt to be completely broken by you.