Unsent Messages

Hey ben. I just want you to keep in mind that i am not writing this to make you feel bad i just need to get my feelings across and this is the best way i can think of doing it. So, it all began the first day of seventh grade. I walked into homeroom and your blazing bright blue eyes immediately caught my eye. Over a short period of time i caught feelings, and i caught them hard. You were always on my mind. You actually still are. We will talk about that later though. So during seventh grade we actually became good friends and we had a special bond. I asked you out multiple times, like the stupid 7th grader i was. And you rejected me everytime. We still stayed relatively friends though. We never let the circumstances affect our friendship. I remember you would always tease me and i acted like i hated it , but i loved it. Even though i was so young, i started thinking i loved you. I loved talking to you and you always put a smile on my face. You still do. But sadly the summer before 8th grade, we lost contact. I didn't talk to you very much those couple of months. I was starting to lose feelings. I started talking to one of your best friends. Its funny, i remember one day you guys were at the pool, and he snapped me a pic of you. My heart immediately dropped to my gut. The feelings were back. I remember taking the LONGEST time trying to take a cute picture to send back, just incase he showed you. Even though i liked you i still also liked your friend. Once 8th grade started and i started dating your friend, we saw a lot of each other. During lunch i would always talk to your friend and you were always with him. Those conversations were the highlights of my day. We became friends again. I liked it. But soon me and your friend broke up. I stopped talking to you during lunch. And our friendship kind of got cut off again. We still talked whenever our friends started talking, but neither of us started a conversation ourselves. I was always too scared. Scared to do or say something that you wouldn't like. That's how much i cared about you. Over the course of 8th grade i distracted myself with crushes. None of them had as big of a place in my heart as you did. Before i knew it, it was the new year. I thought of it as a fresh start. And it was, except for the fact that i still had feelings for you. You were always in the back of my head. We got back from break and i started seeing you on a daily basis at school. One day at lunch i went up to katyusha, in the lunch line, and she was talking to you. I hear her ask you "Who do you like?" I could feel my cheeks get hot. "is it Greta?" she asked you. You replied with no. My stomach got a weird feeling, but at this point i was used to the rejection. You didn't like me before, so why would you now? Although it didn't really bother me, it stuck with me the rest of the day. It was all i could think about. Later that night, i got a snap from you. I remember thinking "omg what if he likes me" I laughed at that thought. I of course replied immediately. About an hour later katyusha texts me saying "omg you will never guess what ben just told me! He likes you!" I can't explain the happiness that rushed through my body. I got up around my room and started squealing and jumping up and down. Later that night you told me yourself that you liked me. The next week was the best week of my life. I was so excited to go to school for the sole reason that i got to see you. That whole week i couldn't stop smiling. The boy i had liked for a year finally liked me back. Why wouldn't i be happy? I was so happy even people around me were noticing a change in my presence. All day i looked forward to our late night talks. You were so nice to me. And as funny as ever. I really started to love life at that point. Sadly after only a week of this honeymoon period, things took a turn for the worse. You ghosted me. You stopped replying to me, stopped talking to me. At this time you were going through some sad things. At first i thought that was all it was, so i gave you your space. After a couple days, I knew something was wrong. One afternoon at school, i was sitting in the chorus room waiting to start music priority. I was really stressed over what was happening with you. I am an overthinker. You know that about me. We actually know a lot about each other, but that is for another day. Anyways, i saw katyusha and so i waved her over. As soon as i saw her face, i knew what happened. Without her even telling me I knew you didn't feel the same anymore. She sat down and i asked her "He doesn't like me anymore, does he?" She looked me in the eyes and shook her head. My heart dropped as fast as my tears. I could feel everything start to unravel. Just to make things better, the teacher was beginning the class. I could feel everyone's stares, everyone's judgment. It didn't make me feel better. I was trying to cry as quiet as i could, but i was failing. My face was all puffy, and my shirt was soaking from my thick tears. I just wanted to end everything. I was starting to not be able to hide my sobs as well as i was before. Thankfully the teacher finished giving us instructions. As soon as everyone started doing their own thing, i got up and without even saying anything she told me and katyusha to go to the bathroom and take as long as i need to calm down. Man i loved that teacher. I took katyushas hand and ran to the door. The quicker i got out of that room, the quicker i could let myself fall apart. As soon as i heard that door close behind me i just fell into pieces. I started shaking and hyperventilating. Katyusha took me to the bathroom, that is where i fell apart more than i ever thought i could. She gave me hug, trying to calm me down. My breaths got shorter and shorter, and my sobs got louder and louder. After i cried as much as i humanly could, literally i don't think there was anything left in me. I was empty. I was nothing without you. I was just nothing. I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't even recognize the girl that was staring back at me. I started thinking to myself "What did i do?", "why doesn't he like me anymore?", "am i not pretty enough for him?", "am i not good enough for him?" I picked myself apart into tiny pieces trying to find out what i need to change to make you like me again. I looked at all my insecurities and saw them as flaws. I started to hate every single thing about me. My eyes, my hair, my laugh, my smile, my personality, my body. The period was almost over and katyusha had calmed me down. I was starting to catch my breath and not be as dizzy. That day i had talent show practice after school, so as soon as that bell rang, i ran to my teachers room. I was very close to her and so i filled her in on what happened. She made me come up with a list of things i was feeling. Some of the words i remember were embarrassed, stupid, and discombobulated. I don't know why but that was just the way you made me feel. I went home and layed in bed crying to sad music, as every heartbroken teenage girl does. I had swim that night, which was actually nice, for it got my mind off of everything. It got my mind off of you. After swim i got a snap from you. You apologized for everything. I said it was ok and i was fine. A part of me wishes i had yelled at you and told you how stupid i feel to think a boy like you liked a girl like me. But i didn't. I got home and cried myself to sleep. The next day at school katyusha told me that you threw up when you heard how hard you made me cry. I felt a little better knowing you still cared about me. I noticed you weren't at school that morning. For some reason that ticked me off. Why did you, the one who ended things get to stay home instead of me, who was crying for the past 24 hours. Later that day i saw you unpack your bag and my face got all hot. Not in the cute blushing way it used to. This time i was mad. I had track after school and so i ranted on the bus there. Maybe a little too loud. Sorry about that. We stopped talking, and our friendship was ended. Fast-forward a month and we are in quarantine. I was starting to catch feelings for you again...ikr shocker. I never told you. I would cry myself to sleep at night, wondering what it is that makes you not like me. I texted you, asking to talk about everything that happened and try and fix our friendship. As you probably remember we got in that really big fight. I am truly sorry for everything i said. But we blocked each other and lost ALL contact. I would stay up at night convincing myself that it was for the best. I would put a cover on for my friends. I hated not being able to talk to you. But life went on. Quarantine was a very dark path for me. I was very insecure about my body. I was exercising at least two times a day and dieting like crazy. I developed an eating disorder. I would starve myself and exercise four hours everyday. It got so bad i weighed almost under 100 pounds. No one ever found out about it though because i am always the happy friend and the happy friend never has any problems. Anyways, it was already summer and i had a fling. I don't think there was a day in the summer you didn't cross my mind at least once. Summer ended, as well as my fling, and before i knew it we were back in school. I knew we didn't have any classes together because i made my friends check. I planned on just avoiding you. On the first day after second period i ran into you in the halls. I stopped in my tracks. My eyes widened wider than i knew they could. I don't even think you saw me. I continued on with my day replaying the moment i saw you over and over in my head. I knew that i needed you back in my life. I planned on going up to you in the halls and apologizing for everything, but obviously i chickened out. Instead i added you on snap. Part of me was expecting it to not allow me to add you since you had me blocked. Surprisingly it let me add you. Even more surprising, you added me back within minutes. I texted you saying how sorry i was and you also apologized, and since then we have been snapping on and off. For a while there i didn't have any romantic feelings for you. That changed a couple days after shauna's party. We talked in person for the first time in what felt like forever. It was so easy to talk to you and you made me laugh. I had such a good time. After that i found myself sad whenever i saw you left me on read/opened. That is when i started to confuse my platonic and romantic feelings. I told you i liked you again. You took it well like you normally do. We were snapping constantly and a part of me thought there was a chance you liked me back. That part of me died a couple nights later when you made it pretty obvious you didn't feel the same way. I was sad but not surprised. A couple days later i figured out that i think i just like you in a friendship type of way. I told you this and you replied with a simple "k". You then left me on opened. I was a little upset. I started thinking and i started to think, what if you are mad i don't like you anymore. You have no idea how much i wanted to ask you. I still want to ask you. I want to find out exactly how you feel about me, because i have no idea what is going on in my mind and chest. It's like whenever we are snapping fast and having actual conversations i like you, and then whenever you leave me on opened or are being dry i am cool with just friendship. So what i think i feel right now is that i need you in my life. I don't know what role you will have but we have four years to figure that out. I am in no rush.