Unsent messages to NICK

And no matter what I do your always in my head. Like an annoying song that’s stuck in your head that sometimes still makes you smile. But in the end that’s all you’ll ever be just a song.

I liked you, maybe loved you, but I valued our friendship more. I wasn’t willing to risk that by telling you the truth about my feelings for you.

I'll never be able to forgive you for what you did to me or for the way things ended. But it's been 4 months since we stopped speaking and despite how mad I am, I can't help but think of you and wonder if you think about me too. You'll always be my first love, but this is me finally letting go. I deserve better.

i'm still not sure how we got here but i have never fit with someone the way i fit with you. thank you for always making me laugh and caring about me in your own special way. please don't go.

i wanted to be good for you, i wanted it to be us in the end. but i’m no good for you, i never will be. maybe, in another lifetime loser

I hate lying to you about my feelings, but if this is what it takes not to lose you, I’ll do it forever.

i want us to work out so bad. please show a lil more effort bc i don’t want to have to leave you. i love you so much.

You're the most manipulative person I've ever met. I'm glad I left before it was too late. You are capable of so much evil.

Miss you so much but i hope you’re happier with her. I wish you the best but i hate you for doing this to me

I think you’re right person, wrong time. Even if you’re not, you’ll always have a special place in my heart, even if you don’t feel the same.

I know you never think of me and that's okay we were never something I just liked you. But, apart of me wishes we were something even though I haven't seen you in almost a year.

i wish we could have one last car ride. one last movie night. one last dinner together. i’ll be okay and happy and full. i promise i’ll let go after that.

I'm sorry I don't like you the way you like me, I'm not good right now and I just need to be by myself. the thing is, was that I liked you but you rejected me and now my heart has been pushed away by you before I don't want that again

you’re the one who makes my life complete. you’re my soulmate,pinky promise. i wish we never broke up. i miss you and i can’t undo it anymore.

we saved each other. we brought so much to each others lives but took a little as well. everyone thought that it would be us, till forever comes, but i guess they were wrong. and i guess we were wrong too. we have done so much together in the short period of time we had. but i'm glad i had that time with you at all. we saved each others lives. i can't thank you enough for everything you have helped me through. i will owe you for eternity. you. are. my. yellow. i wish you would've asked me to marry you that day. i know we both regret it. maybe things would be different. maybe we'd still be ruling the world. you are the light in my life, the person i looked to for everything. you saved my life that day. if it weren't for you i wouldn't be here. so thank you. thank you for being my love. thank you for taking care of me. but mostly, thank you for being my yellow. i love you forever. i'll miss you bubs. stay safe.

I am filled with uncertainty about you, our love and myself. But also unsure if I’ll ever be able to move on.

our love was strong but our hate was stronger. our love will not go unnoticed. with all the hate and fear we had, we were bound to fail. just two kids who started life off on the wrong path. you were my sun and i was your moon. without each other, nothing would survive. not even us. i will continue to love with every ounce of me and i hope you can learn to do the same. i hope that wherever life takes us, you will be happy. all i want is for you to smile and have the life you dreamed of. i want you to live the rest of your life doing what you love while loving and caring for others. i wish it could've been us. god how i wish it was us still but until then, i will see you in another life. goodbye my love.

today i wrote you a letter. i will send it to you soon. i think it will be the first, the first of the lasts. i hope so.

why can’t I fall out of love with you? you weren’t even that great after all the lies but I can’t stop myself

i never thought i would've been able to get over you. a year later and i dont even remember your touch, your smell, your voice even. all the memories, theyre gone too. your name doesnt even hurt to say anymore. im freed.

You re entered my life again. We’re both different people now, so why do I feel so safe when I’m with you? Take care of yourself. I’ll always love you, even if you never loved me.

i miss you. she has you and i’m so happy to see you happy. i think about us a lot and what we could’ve been. in another life bubba

i don't know if you really forgive me after i apolgized, but i really hope you do and i want to start over. remember we talked about if we were broke up we would probably growing on ourselves and then getting back together when we're ready? it's like i feel like it's now like now is the time. right back under nick if you feel the same way and make the colour pink

I still wish you were the person I thought you were, instead of the person who taught me not to trust myself.

i know you weren’t ready for a relationship and i was always proud of how you worked on yourself but i would have dropped everything for you if you wanted me too

I feel like we were destined to not work. Our relationship started badly and sometimes it was beautiful and magical. Other times I quested whether we were hiding from something else and using sex to cope. Your new girlfriend is wonderful, and I truly sincerely hope she makes you feel special the same way you made me. I’m sorry I sucked so much, and I’m sorry I ended us so poorly. It was never you please know that.

when you feel lonely at night in Chicago, know that there's still a girl in Cleveland and she still loves you.

thank you for showing me that people do love me, thank you for staying up with me because you wanted to make sure i didn't do anything stupid. i love you.

You left when I needed you there the most. After everything that happened you left me to take care of them alone. Why’d you runaway? Is it because you feel guilty? Well news flash, Nick, we all did. I thought out of everyone you would be the first person to understand that and the last to leave, I guess I got it all wrong. But still after all that, after months, years of telling myself i hate you, I still wait for a call, text, hell even a letter letting me know that your safe. If you saw me today I think you’d hate me. I changed for the better but you always liked me when I was at my worst. No more partying, no more chaos, no more benders, I couldn't do it anymore after Ty, I had to grow up. I like my new life and the people in it. Im terrified that you’re gonna show up and ruin it all. So why am i still grieving you? Why’d do I want you back at the same time? I just wanna see your face again, even if its just once. At least let me say goodbye.

why do i miss u so much even tho i hurt u
ur even a mean person so y do i ?
i wish u could be my friend again at least

Not sure if you were my first love but I trusted you and by trying to "protect me", you've hurt me even more. I want you to come back but at the same time, I don't want you anymore. I want the memories and what we lost along the way. I want to care less and embrace the messes we both are and I also wanted to feel secure and safe with you and you just led me on and confuse me even more. Why did you put this wall between us when we could have been so happy and careless together? It could have worked out but I guess you just didn't like me enough and although this is beyond your control, I really wish, even now, to hear you say: "I want you and I want this to work. I will try my best to make that happen."

i’ve been in love with you for almost 3 years now. all i think about is you. but i need to move on. you chose her, not me.

i wish the pandemic hadn’t torn our relationship apart. you made me feel like the happiest person in the world. i wanted you be mine.

if only you thought of my laugh in the morning, and not my body at night. if only you smiled thinking about my smile, and not my chest. if only it had been me and the person i am that you desired, and not the package i came in. you are a person who would ignore my biggest accomplishments and fears, as you craft every single conversation in a way to please you instead. you are a person who'll turn my heartache and trauma into a way to get you off. you told me you loved me, but you never did. you loved the shell of me, which you molded to suit you best.

even now, a year later i’m looking through memories missing you. what can i say? you were my first best friend. are you doing okay? are you happy? do you have at least one person by your side who cares about you? i hope you’re enjoying yourself. i’m happier nowadays. i wish it could’ve been with us still being friends. it makes me cry knowing we can’t be friends anymore. but i keep that to myself. i miss you nick. i think i will always miss you. i think that’s okay though. as long as we’re happy. i can deal with missing you. Good luck on this new year. i’ll do my best too

i dont know what exactly to say. youve been on my mind so much for the past 6 years and its crazy that we’ve known each other for so long but dont talk at all. i will never forgive you for the way you reacted to my feelings and i hate myself so much for fixating on you even though i hate your guts. i hope i leave an impact on you and you never forget what you did to me. you deserve to feel guilt.

dear nick, you were my first everything and i mean everything. i never felt more safe with anyone but you. we were so wrong for each other but with you somehow it still felt right. i’ll never get to experience you walking me to classes or saying i love you again. i will always love you and never be over you no matter how hard i try. your brown curly hair was so beautiful. your eyes were so cold but so warm at the the same time. i miss holding hands to match our freckles up. i miss your grandma’s sweet hello’s when i opened the door. i even miss the horrible stuff behind closed doors. i love you forever and always

I’d give anything to be in the front seat of your car playing music as we watched the sunset again. We grew up and went to college and you moved on but a part of me will always care about you :)

I’ve already forgiven you even before you apologized. i’m sorry i haven’t told you anything. i still love you and think about you everyday. I hope you’re happy with her.

i’m sorry i’m not enough for you. i’m trying my best. i love you most most, always have and always will

nick, i thought you cared more than you did, you moved on so fast I feel like I didn't mean anything to you, even though you would say the opposite when we were together. i'm trying to forget about you.

hi, i love you, i’ve always loved you. you’ve been my close friend since the start of the year. you’ve helped me so much, you’ve saved my life so many times and i cant thank you enough. you were my everything, my best friend. but you never loved me back, the day you said you didn’t want to be my friend anymore was the day that my heart broke into pieces for the first time, you found another girl to love, and that shattered me. i’m still broken, still hurt, still mad, still sad. but i’m glad that you’re happy. because i know that i was a burden and that i was annoying, i just wish i had never told you how i felt about you. because now everything is ruined.

through everything that we have been through i thank you for the good times. i will always have love for you.

f*ck you. i loved you but then you left me when i needed you most. i thought we had something. then after we left, you went straight to her. you didnt care. you didnt care about me or our relationship. im sorry. i loved you.

I was always so unsure of so many things but I was never unsure of you, I just never realised you didn’t feel the same way about me.

you’re my best friend. i still love you and i don’t think i could ever stop. you mean the fucking world to me and i would be 6ft under without you at this point. i see forever in your eyes. i love you so much and i know you know this. thank you for never leaving me. i’ll never leave you x

I know we dont talk anymore, and you will never see this, but ive loved you since i met you Nick. You came into my life when i needed you most, you will never know this, but you saved my life Nick. I feel so lucky that someone like you would even talk to someone like me, and it was a privilige to know you Nick, and i cant tell you in person because your thousands of miles away now, ant you wont see this, but I love you nick, more then you will ever know. no matter how long its been since we spoke, you were my first love and that means something to me. I love you Nick, even if my love for you was completly one sided, and I wish you nothing but the best in life. I hope your band finds success,and I hope you meet someone, you deserve to meet someone Nick.

As much as you left me feeling incomplete, i still miss our texts. I hate you, but i cant stop missing that old feeling.

i wish you would stop playing and ask me to be ur gf , you like me and i like you but nothing is happening i feel like i’m wasting time.

To the boy who made me laugh everyday at lunch, who always put up with me, and always knew what to say, I love you. I always have and I think I always will. I can feel us drifting away from each other, but those who love each other never really lose one another. To my best friend, and the kindest, funniest boy I’ve ever met, thank you for putting a smile on my face on days I needed it the most. I hope your light never fades.