Unsent messages to MATTHEW

just in case you didn't see the one under Mattie, I hope you know I'd give you my life, and I hope you see your self worth, you're amazing, stay, for a while. The world needs you here.

I know you don't love me anymore, I have to listen to you rave about other guys all the time now, but I just wish that I said yes the first time. Unlike my pride, my feelings never went away.

we had such a strong connection.. then you disappeared.. then i saw you you were with another girl. we weren’t dating but it really hurt to see you just ghost me and then see you with a whole new girl

i literally have been in love with you for 3 years. and your just toxic UGH I HATE YOU STOP BEING SO HOT

I always wanted to say this, but im really sorry. I know I fucked up. We're both at fault for everything that happened there, but its about time i take accountability for everything i did wrong in that relationship. I was naive and really struggling, and i still am. Do better for yourself, kay?

i miss what we had and i wish quarantine didn’t happen so we could have lasted longer and i wish you stayed loyal in the talking phase but its whatever. i wish we had what we had before and im sorry if i ruined anything

i really wish you didn’t hurt me, i wouldn’t have hurt if my life depended on it. But everything happens for a reason

ik ur not nosy enough to look at this but i genuinely loved u last year. it sucks we don't talk as much anymore. u could say the stupidest joke and i would laugh at it. ur such a loser. i wish you'd speak your mind more often. i'd like to hear it.

You kept me going for so many years and I’m so thankful that you were in my life for the time you were.

You’re never going to see this ever , but I miss you .. I miss you so fucking much. I think about you a lot I can’t get you out of my head . You also fucked me up I loved you and you hurt me many times . You’ve made me wonder my worth and what I did wrong . You used me . I’m glad we never met up , things could have been worse for me and it’s taken me so long to realize that . You never were good for me but I wanted you to be so bad . I wanted it to work . We are twin flames but we shouldn’t be together . It’s almost a new year and you are still in my head . I need to let you go finally . So . I forgive you . I forgive what you did to me . I forgive you and wunderstand that you left . I will always remember the good times . i hope you think of me too . I hope you know you saved me . We saved each other . But what you did to me the extent . I can’t be with you again . And honestly i really think it’s over with this time . I’m letting you go.. :)

Hey, Matthew. It’s been a while since we last talked. I guess it’s safe to say that a part of me still misses you, although I’m sure that you’re doing just fine without me. Even if I think I’ve let go of when we were just kids in 6th grade, the memories still flood my mind whenever someone says your name. However, with all of this said, I’m proud to say that even though I miss you so much, I would not spend even one more minute with you. Your promise, your words, were just a lie, and I will never forgive you for that. Call it “holding a grudge”, but the amount of pain, suffering, and loss you’ve put me through is unbearable. But, I hope you’re doing okay. I really do.

why did you ruin our years of friendship, fucking with my feelings just because you didn’t know your own.

I always would go back to you. I hate how I can’t hate you even after everything you did. I need to learn to let go but a part of me can’t.

despite everything you’ve done, you could show up at my door and i’d drop everything for you. And I hate you for that

i wish i could thank you you thought me how to love and how to be loved you made me the happiest i've ever been and i wish i could make you feel how you made me feel the happiness that you bring me is like my high and as long as i have you i'll be okay with i know i mess things up by thinking to much but i can't imagine being with anyone but you your my person my soulmate i love you always and forever baby

thank u for giving me a feeling of excitement, to wake up, to go to school. you taught me the feeling of false hope.

matthew. my first love. i love you so much and i’ve stayed loving you for years. god, what have you done to me? never would i have thought i would’ve fallen for a stupid boy. but you’re so different. oh how i miss you. i know you’re probably happy right now, and that is all i want for you. i want you to be the happiest you can, whether it’s with me or not, frankly it doesn’t matter. yes, i miss you so much, i wish i could just see your beautiful brown eyes light up as you looked at me, but that won’t ever happen, and it’s okay. i wish i could see your beautiful smile, as i have forgotten what it looks like already. i wish i could see your beautiful hair as i run my fingers through it while you lay on my lap and we talk for hours. i wish i could see you. your beautiful self. if i could have you- oh if i could have you. i’d treat you as if you were my everything, because you are. i love you so, matthew. so so much. and i know i will never stop loving you. but i hope the pain stops one day, from knowing that you don’t feel the same, but it isn’t your fault- for it is mine, since i am the one who fell so deeply in love with you. i wish you the best matthew. i love you

i'm sorry i couldn't be the girl you wanted me to be. i never meant to hurt you. i love you always, L.

I wish you’d text me first. I wish you cared about me even when you weren’t getting laid. I wish things had stayed the way they started. When we would talk for hours on end. When you let me in. What happened to that Matthew. What happened to us. Youve caused me so much hurt. I loved you. And you just stopped talking to me for months on end. Why did you do that. Why did you shut me out. I was completely transparent with you Matt. Why couldn’t you meet me with the same? Why did you have to hide from me. When I said all I meant all. Even if it was ugly even if it hurt. But you didn’t even give me the chance. Even with how you treated me. I know I’d still fall back to you in a heartbeat.

You promised you wouldn't leave, that you would love me forever, but you're gone now. I hate you so much for leaving me just like that, you didn't even look back, but I can't help but miss you. Your absence has left me feeling like a complete idiot. A stupid, bumbling idiot. Yet I can't help but miss you, asshole.

It’s me the girl u dumped for almost the 9th time, I think I should let u go. U were my first love, and I will somehow find a way to get over you. Love you

One day I’ll be everything he wants one day I will make him feel like he doesn’t do everything wrong one day we will be happy and day I will be happy with myself one day we will live happy one day I won’t have to carry all this weight one day we will wake up greatfull to have each other.

This is not fair WE’RE supposed to be making memories, having fun, laughing until WE can’t breathe, WE’RE supposed to be starting OUR own traditions TOGETHER for OUR future, and just be TWO teens IN LOVE. Nobody can understand what we’re feeling right now, I miss physically being with you, I miss your warmth, I miss the way you hug me because In that moment all my worries go away I feel at peace when I’m just with you. I miss you.

lately i been able to stop thinking about it all. You, our relationship and the way we left things.

i can’t bare the fact that we don’t talk anymore, the fact that we never knew each other. After the years but these past few months especially i’ve learned about things going on during our time together. i’m not mad or anger i have no right to be all this time later , i just wishing wasn’t like that.

getting over you completely is something i don’t think i’ll be able to achieve. the smallest part of my heart will always belong to you. I do wish the whole thing belongs to you but i think we just weren’t meant to be at least not in this lifetime.

Gosh. I think you are the first guy I’ve loved. But I have to leave you. I’ll get attached and it’ll hurt both of us

All I ever wanted to do is love you. I wanted you to be my forever and ever. But those feelings that something was wrong were unbearable. Im sorry. I love you.

remember that day you told me you loved me? i didn’t say it back right away not because i didn’t love you but because i didn’t love you the way you loved me.
i was still learning to love you and didn’t want to rush into things like i did in the past i didn’t wanna mess things up. how ironic i still think 3 years later that this very memory is what started a series of unfortunate events which lead to two broken hearts. i know you moved on and with every inch of my being i want to be happy for you but i can’t help but feel heartache. i want to make you happy, i want to tell you i love you , i want to go on dates with you , i want to talk for hours about absolutely anything and everything, i want to hold you , i want to slow dance in the dark with you i just want you.

but due to my own stupidity, my own selfishness i can’t have the one thing i most want in this world. i can’t even have a millisecond of eye contact.

it’s been 3 years and yet I’m still dreaming of what could of been. i know it’s my fault that we didn’t work but looking back neither of us did the whole relationship thing correctly. we were both so young and oblivious.

i still love you. i always will. unfortunately we loved each other at different times. it hurts me more than you know the fact that we don’t talk, we don’t even try and i guess it’s for the best. i know you’re over me and i should get over you but u can’t. can’t get over what i did to you, can’t get over how we left things and i can’t get over you.

tonight it’s hitting me hard i don’t know why i usually forget about buy tonight i’m overwhelmed with memories good and bad. how you loved me is a wander but matthew my sweet boy i just don’t know what else to say expect that i’m always here for you even if we don’t talk not that you’ll ever read this and know i sent it but
i love you matthew

Hey I know you'll never see this put i just need to try to get your off my mind I know you are not interested at all and that hurts more then you will ever know. i still remember the day you told me about her, about what she did, and yet you still run back to her, I have been here for you no matter what. I have stayed longer then I should have honestly. I want to tell you how I feel but I know how you would react, you would isolate me, push me away. i can't afford to lose you.

I really wish you would have changed. I miss you so much, you mess it up every time. Why do u have to do this to me

i haven’t thought of you for nearly a month now. i think i’m over you. i have finally got the closure i deserve. goodbye, be happy my love

You made me realise that i didnt need you to survive and that your a dickhead and even though your ok sometimes you think your better than everyone else but thanks for helping me i guess

You’re my best friend and that’s exactly why I can’t tell you how I feel. If I do I might lose you forever, and I can’t risk that

we never ended up grabbing food and now i don’t think we’ll ever see each other or talk again and that makes me sad

I am not mad that you don't want me, I'm mad that you sometimes act as you do, and you take advantage of the soft spot that I have for you because you know I will always come back to you.

After all this time I still don’t understand why she was more worthy. You were the first person I wanted. I guess it was just bad timing.

i know now the reason why we aren’t together anymore, i didn’t trust you. you didn’t give me any reasons not to and that’s how my own mind ruined what we had, constantly needing reassurance from you. i miss everything about you and us. everything i do reminds me of you in some way. i miss belting out songs on facetime and making wishes on 11:11, blowing out our candles together and brushing our teeth together, i didn’t know i could love someone so much that i only knew over facetime. tomorrow was meant to be the day we met. we were both so excited and now you want nothing to do with me. i didn’t get closure and that’s what i need. i haven’t been as happy as i was while i was texting you and i don’t think anyone will be the same. everyone says how bad of a person you are but they don’t know u like i do. i miss you so much

u pinky promised u wouldnt leave me and u did and i always told myself i wouldnt fall for u because of my last heartbreak hurting so much but u were just different. i miss the things we had and i hope u still make a wish at 11:11 even if its with someone else, i cant listen to forever in blue jeans anymore and its one of my favourite songs because u showed me it. i hope when u listen to frank sinatra or bruno mars you think of how happy we were. you come home tomorrow and i cant even begin to explain hoe much these next 2 days are going to hurt, you were meant to pick me up on friday and we were gonna spend the day together. the night you texted me asking about meeting mummy and daddy filled me with so much happiness you dont even understand, when you told me you'r mummy and max would love me i nearly cried. i hope you still think of me and one day youll text me again. i cant stop blaming myself for you leaving me, my trust issues pushed you away and i just want you back. the chance youre texting someone else and smiling at someones text kills me. i miss when id catch you staring at the phone and id ask what u were looking at and youd just smile, the times when we'd argue over who loved who more. i told u id win and i did. i want to play hangman with you again or imessage games. its all my fault what we had is gone. youre constantly on my mind eating my thoughts. anything i ever talk about always traces back to you somehow. every red volkswagon polo i see reminds me of what we couldve had if i didnt fuck everything up. i just want to know if you really meant anything you said if you left me that quick and easy.

I understand now that you’ve moved on but the very last thing I want you to do is to fake ur feelings and lie to yourself

I care so much about you and I want to be around you all the time. You get me. I just wish you would let me and not hide your feelings from me. I want to be there for you

I wasn't lying. I can't love someone or even think about loving someone when I am cutting myself. I never meant to hurt you.

i cried about u today. i think about u every single day and it hurts me so much that ur not in my life anymore. get out of my fucking head pls. i hate you

you’re a special person. i’ve loved you for five years and didn’t figure it out until the world exploded. you told me you felt inadequate–you wrote a film about it. you’re not. you’re better than most. i’m never going to be someone that you love, not like you’ve loved my friends, and that’s fine. i’m okay with it. but i want you to realize that you’re good enough, you know? see you when i see you next. maybe a few years from now.

Since you left, my heart hasn’t stopped aching. I need to make sure you’re okay, I care for you so much.

i miss you. i gave you pieces of me that even if you wanted to you couldn't give back. i didn't think our story was going to end as soon as it did.

I wish I wasn't so obsessed with you. I don't know why I feel like you get me. It's like you're the one that got away.

you promised. & then you broke that promise like you broke me. but you’re right i am doing better w/out you

I'm sorry for breaking your heart on the day you broke hers. Please have confidence. Please know yourself.

I actually miss our friendship. I shouldn't have ignored you. I'm really sorry. You were actually really fun to be around.

i do believe that we aren’t over. i’m just waiting until you’re ready again. and when we both get better. we will come back one day soon. i miss you so much poopy. i always knew how much i needed you before i even lost you, but it just hurts more now. please come back soon poopy map.