i often lay in bed at night, wondering how you sleep, and if it’s better than how you anticipated; i hope you’re sleeping well, but at the same time, there’s a part of me that hopes it’s how you anticipated.
4th of jan, ‘20 — 12:40am

Why did you do this to me... I was so little and innocent and you took advantage of everything and now I'm the one left broken.

my dum head :,) i meant '21** not '20 in the last one,, i keep forgetting it's 2021 already sjdkfhkds

I hope you're doing well. I honestly despise you for getting with my friend, but it's okay :) I forgive you..

I don't hate you, but I don't love you. I'd say I miss you, even though I never really knew you besides from small glances to longing stares. I remember you'd flirt with me but I was too oblivious to notice, too scared to believe someone may of liked me. And when you told me you had a crush on me I was in shock, and denyed it, isolating myself from people and slowly pushing you away because I didn't believe you'd be happy with a person like me. But I think about you a lot and wish we could talk, laugh, fight or anything, it doesn't matter. However, we're too parellel now, living in different wolds, too different from what we used to be. So I'll just stay quiet until you notice me someday, or until I completely forget about you. But I'd never truly forget you, as it's already been years.

Love.. someone you knew

What a wonderful couple we would be if there wasn’t a distance..I am thinking about it every single day

one day I hope that you realize that you messed up and I am the one that's always been there for you.

I hate how you make me feel like I'm good enough to come back to but not good enough to stay for.I truly do love you, how you act towards me determines my whole mood. All I want is to be yours, but having you scares the hell out of me because you could so easily bring me so much happiness yet take it away with in seconds. I love you and I'm actually convinced that no matter what I will because no one else compares.

i cant tell you how much i trusted you. you were so kind but i was wrong. you know you may be a pretty boy but i think you need a pretty heart.

sometimes i wonder if you feel the same way about me as i feel about you and sometimes i think about you late at night

you know i was depressed right? i hate to admit it, but the things you said to me stuck with me for the longest time. but not anymore, i found my happiness and one day i hope you can too.

why do u treat me like i’m nothing. i show u that i care but u just push me away. i’m trying to be here i want you to feel the same way i feel about you. u treat me so bad.

You're totally my type. I like guys with dark hair that's fluffy and bouncy. I like guys who aren't scrawny. I like guys who play video games, and like real video games like cod or Minecraft lol. I like musicians. I like guys who have a sense of humor and show themselves off every once and a while. You're exactly my type. Remember when me, you, Ashley, and daiden all had a group chat and were sending photos of one another? And Ashley sent a picture of you in a yellow shirt? Well, lemme tell you when I saw that picture I died a little. I fucking love that picture but I couldn't save it for two reasons. It would've been weird if I saved it and I would keep looking at it, causing my to like you and develop feelings. I can't do that because I'm not ready for a relationship again and I have school to worry about. Honestly if we dated again I think it would be fun, but I don't know if it's realistic. I feel like it would kinda be a repeat of our other relationship you know? It would be super fun though because we could play video games and I'm gonna get my permit in January, so it would be fun so we could sit in the car and listen to music. I don't want to jump into sexual stuff though I just want someone to have fun with and play music and video games with. You could be that person. I want you to be that person, but at the same time I don't want you to be that person because I don't want to let someone in again and I don't want to be in another failed relationship. And I feel the relationship will fail because of me. When I picture us dating, I don't picture me dating you for marriage, I picture me dating you for fun and affection. I'm sorry to say that, but it's the truth. I don't want to hurt your feelings. My mom loves you haha. She told me that she liked you the most out of the other people I've dated. I do too. You showed me actual affection that wasn't sex-driven. Thank you for that. Basically, what I'm saying is, will you be my person to have fun with? With a side note of you so happen to be EXACTLY my type.

just your name sounds stupid to me after years of pointless pining, but i did really love you. did you love me? i wish i had kept in touch. i wish i had ever found out.

Your werid ngl. I don't know why I would always come back. I think we were supposed to be super close...

I really really liked you. Even though I pretended to hate you I still liked you. And I don't even know why. You bullied me, called me ugly, were such a awful person and not respectful to women at all. So why the heck did I like you? Well I hate you now so I guess it doesn't matter anymore. So yeah.

matthew. my first love. i love you so much and i’ve stayed loving you for years. god, what have you done to me? never would i have thought i would’ve fallen for a stupid boy. but you’re so different. oh how i miss you. i know you’re probably happy right now, and that is all i want for you. i want you to be the happiest you can, whether it’s with me or not, frankly it doesn’t matter. yes, i miss you so much, i wish i could just see your beautiful brown eyes light up as you looked at me, but that won’t ever happen, and it’s okay. i wish i could see your beautiful smile, as i have forgotten what it looks like already. i wish i could see your beautiful hair as i run my fingers through it while you lay on my lap and we talk for hours. i wish i could see you. your beautiful self. if i could have you- oh if i could have you. i’d treat you as if you were my everything, because you are. i love you so, matthew. so so much. and i know i will never stop loving you. but i hope the pain stops one day, from knowing that you don’t feel the same, but it isn’t your fault- for it is mine, since i am the one who fell so deeply in love with you. i wish you the best matthew. i love you

i should have never brought you to my house to meet my family, when you broke my heart, you broke all of my sisters’ too. you’re not who i fell in love with, but you did teach me how i shouldn’t be treated.

i hate you so much for doing what u did. u weird ass bitch i’ll never forgive you? peace out piss face

You're cute, but I can't keep doing this thing where you say you like me, I say I like you, and then nothing happens. I like someone else now. I want us to stay just friends. I'm sorry.

I will never get over you and when you tell me about her my heart breaks but it’s not enough for me to stop loving you

the burn on your hand from when you were two. i remember being so upset when i saw it and you laughed it off like it was nothing. that's how i feel now, like you tried to burn me and when it didn't work you just laughed and moved on. only difference i kissed your hand because the childish part of me thought it would make the 13 year old scar feel better. But, you can't kiss my heart and make it stop hurting. And the four month scar can't be healed by you.

I can still see your spotify. I'm watching you fall in love with her from a distance. I'm happy but hurt.

thank u for giving me a feeling of excitement, to wake up, to go to school. you taught me the feeling of false hope.

I wish I could've let you go, before revealing I didn't like you back the way you loved me, im sorry I still love you :(

i hated how we faded. ever since the first day we met in 4th grade I always had a huge ass crush on you. i hated seeing you sad. everyday in art back in 6th grade i knew something was wrong but i never said anything and i regret that. i still like you till this day man. i don’t wanna sound like if I’m obsessed with you but i really did like you :/ and idk what it was. you’re stupid freaking smile and you’re long hair over you’re face really made you so attractive bruh. i wish we were still close. But I just wanted to say how much i appreciate you and what you did for me all these past years. it’s time for me to let go. thank you for all these memories we created together but uhm yeah that’s about it idk when im gonna have enough courage to tell you my true feelings but you’ll probably just laugh lol. anyways thank you for everything bruv and you were a great friend :)

I don’t know why but I still love you. Even after everything you did to hurt me I still love you. And for that I’m sorry

You really ruined me you played me and completely destroyed me Im not hurt by you anymore tho its other people now I hope your happy with life

when i said i needed a break it was because i was scared of losing myself while loving you bc we both had demons to fight right? but thinking back, i should’ve stayed with you to fight our demons together bc i still think about you and still miss you even though it’s been ages since we’ve last talked and seen each other. if only you knew im waiting for you to reach out to me bc i miss you so badly but not badly enough to risk it all to reach out to you first. ill always love you though. always. please dont ever forget about me.

you hurt me. i shouldn’t have met you while you were in an „unhappy“ relationship . you left her and promised me the world. half a year later you got back with her without telling me. i didn’t know anything because I lived 6h away from you. i‘m hurting to bad till this day even though the long distance.

your friend has been trying to hook up with me lol he told me you showed him all the videos that we had taken i might just fuck him now:) love you

i wish i could thank you you thought me how to love and how to be loved you made me the happiest i've ever been and i wish i could make you feel how you made me feel the happiness that you bring me is like my high and as long as i have you i'll be okay with i know i mess things up by thinking to much but i can't imagine being with anyone but you your my person my soulmate i love you always and forever baby

i’m praying everyday that this isn’t going to end. i’m so in love with you it physically hurts my chest when we gts mad. rn you’re out and idk why it’s midnight and you should be home. you didn’t reply all day i’m not going to be able to tomorrow but you went out and we can’t talk now. you got drunk and i’m scared bc of it bc what if you do something regretful. i trust you but the worry is always going to be there. we argue sm. SM but i can’t help but pray to my dead mom about you. i pray everyday you’re safe and sound and that you don’t break me. i try to act like i don’t care but i do sm. i cry myself to sleep cuz of it. i feel like you’re falling out of love or you’re cheating onm but i’m going to keep trusting you and pray. i love you matthew. pls don’t break me. i can’t do it again

honestly i don’t know how to feel about you anymore.

it’s been 3 years i move on well i think i have, i don’t think we’ll ever get back together or be friends but i do love you and wish you nothing but the best.

my love for you feels fake, forced kinda like holding onto that childhood dream you promised yourself would never let go or forget. I think you’ll always have a special place in my heart but i think i am stuck on this because there’s so much happening it’s like a knowing that i love you brings me a sense of stability.

it’s weird i feel like i’m using you to sorta block out the fact that i’m bisexual i feel like you resemble me being straight but i know that’s not the case.

i don’t know.

I promised myself I won't write here anymore. Yet, here I am again. I'm letting you go now. The last time I opened up to you, you told me things would get better between us, but it really didn't. I don't feel it. I'm sorry. If I continue allowing you to treat me like this, it just makes me sadder as the days go by. Your attempt to "try" to fix things between us isn't working... or maybe 'cause it's just all empty words?

I promised myself I won’t write here anymore. Yet, here I am again. I’m letting you go now. The last time I opened up to you, you told me things would get better between us, but it really didn’t. I don’t feel it. I’m sorry. If I continue allowing you to treat me like this, it just makes me sadder as the days go by. Your attempt to “try” to fix things between us isn’t working… or maybe ’cause it’s just all empty words?

i sometimes want to be friends again cause i loved ur hugs and ur stupid laugh but when i look past that all i see is how you hurt me and its unforgiveable. ill always be here for you as well but you cant and wont know that ha ha.

Idk what it is but smt draws me to you, and every time we talk it goes good but then gets toxic. I really do hope you find yourself and see what I see and learn to love every aspect of it.

I love you, really. This is all just too much for me, give me some time and we can make whatever we have going on work. I promise you.

Its been nearly 3years and you’ll still be last thing I think of before I go to sleep. I hope I am too

you liked me first and when i started talking to u i thought i was special but then u left. you left with no reason and i would forgive you in a heartbeat if you said you wanted something more that sex.

despite everything you’ve done, you could show up at my door and i’d drop everything for you. And I hate you for that

I always would go back to you. I hate how I can’t hate you even after everything you did. I need to learn to let go but a part of me can’t.

You cross my mind almost every day. Do I ever cross yours? We're coming up on what would have been our one year. I still miss you, which sucks. I don't think you have thought of me in months. I hope all is well with you, but I know it's probably not.

why did you ruin our years of friendship, fucking with my feelings just because you didn’t know your own.

why did you tell me you loved me then leave for another girl? you know i was new to love and you still ghosted me and broke me thousands of times.

Hey, Matthew. It’s been a while since we last talked. I guess it’s safe to say that a part of me still misses you, although I’m sure that you’re doing just fine without me. Even if I think I’ve let go of when we were just kids in 6th grade, the memories still flood my mind whenever someone says your name. However, with all of this said, I’m proud to say that even though I miss you so much, I would not spend even one more minute with you. Your promise, your words, were just a lie, and I will never forgive you for that. Call it “holding a grudge”, but the amount of pain, suffering, and loss you’ve put me through is unbearable. But, I hope you’re doing okay. I really do.

You’re never going to see this ever , but I miss you .. I miss you so fucking much. I think about you a lot I can’t get you out of my head . You also fucked me up I loved you and you hurt me many times . You’ve made me wonder my worth and what I did wrong . You used me . I’m glad we never met up , things could have been worse for me and it’s taken me so long to realize that . You never were good for me but I wanted you to be so bad . I wanted it to work . We are twin flames but we shouldn’t be together . It’s almost a new year and you are still in my head . I need to let you go finally . So . I forgive you . I forgive what you did to me . I forgive you and wunderstand that you left . I will always remember the good times . i hope you think of me too . I hope you know you saved me . We saved each other . But what you did to me the extent . I can’t be with you again . And honestly i really think it’s over with this time . I’m letting you go.. :)

I never felt like I was good enough for you... you deserved the best, and it looks like you got that with your new girlfriend. I’m happy for you.

thank you for everything, as much as i don't show it I love you so much and everything you do for me. thank you so so so so so much. you make me happy at the end of a bad day and cheer me up.