Unsent messages to MATTHEW

i never wanted it to end, but it did. i love you always matt

i hate the person you turned me into

I miss everything about us. I love you endlessly Matty

Some nights I worry that we were as close to perfect as it get

i think you’re one of the coolest people i’ve ever met

I miss playing Minecraft together

you are my last love <3

thank you for being part of my life <3

its sad to think i might love you

I still love you, even if we ended up on bad terms

If i could go back to December I swear I’d love you right

I know it's been forever but I just wish you came back to my life, I need you. I will always need you.

Thankyou for being the only guy who ever liked more than just the idea of me. I'm so sorry I hurt you.

hey matthew. i really loved you. you fucking piece of shit, you had to ruin it and cheat on me. fuck you.

i do not like you, honestly you’ve badgered me at every turn and I am sick of it. please stop saying that ocd is not a real illness. it is and it butchers me every hour of every day. sometimes i wonder why you even talk to me? a is so sweet and I don’t know why she likes to be around you.

You were my first real crush. sometimes I think of you. how your life is like. if you even remember me. its stupid really and I don't know why I do this but I hope you are doing well and living a great life

It’s silly of me to be doing this rather than my work. There’s loads. We still talk. Sometimes I miss what we had but other times.... well I remember why I had to end it. There’s a constant emptiness in me. I’m sorry I thought you could fill it. I was dependent. But you broke me. I broke you too. But you can’t keep saying I did all this stuff. You calling me a slut wasn’t fair when I said I was touched by a guy when I said no. I won’t babble on cause you won’t see this but... I still love you sometimes. Just not all the time I guess.

I didn't fall into love with you. I walked into it, eyes open, making every decision. And it's still the smartest decision I have ever made.

i wish it was the way it was in the beginning but now i’m stuck feeling like i’m the only one who cares while you use me for my body. i’m sick of your shit i just wanted someone who i could talk to and you wrecked that when everything became so sexual

I hate you and I doubt we'll ever talk again but you taught me so much about my worth so I'm finding it hard to let you go.

I wish things had been different. I wish we had chosen a different path. I’m glad I have you but I wish I truly had you, all of you. It’s bittersweet being around you. I love you, more than I should.

I miss how easy it was with you. You helped me feel happy. I’m terrified I’ll lose you. But I know I’ll never be enough. I love you. I wish things were different.

there is so much i wanna say. we were too young and we both made mistakes. i mostly blame myself but i hope you’re doing alright, I heard you moved on fairly quickly

why do you treat her like a princess? why did you have to treat me like shit. you took advantage of me and i will never be able to forgive you. but i am now letting you go, fuck you for hurting me, im moving on.

I don't think we can ever be just friends after all that has happened, but ill keep quiet because I can't risk losing you again.

You saved me. You gave me the happiest year of my life. Right person, wrong time. I still believe that we will be brought back together in the end.

I wish things worked out between us. I really really liked you. It's been so long now but whenever I think of you I can't help but feel like I could have done more. You kind of led me on so that was kinda confusing lol. I don't mind being just friends but I wish you would text me. Please give me another chance. I couldn't decide on yellow or the light purple like the hoodie that you always used to wear. I chose yellow because it made me think of your smile and the summer when I moved.

It amazes me that you’ve known me for five years, but only knew it was my birthday because I posted about it. And even then you still had to ask :)

I wrote you hundreds of sticky notes before our almost dating stage. You didn't understand, but I was depressed. I am sorry that I hurt you. I wish we could go on a sunset drive and eat burritos together. I don't know if you like me back still. I am trying to get over you, but it looks like this feeling will linger. I wish I had the courage to tell you that I like you right now.

When I looked into your dark brown eyes
I knew i was stuck in my own web of lies
because I knew my love for you would never die
I knew you would make me cry
wondering if I was right
for you to spend the night
you holding me so tight
I knew right there I was right for you to be mine

I miss you and want you back, no matter what. You were the only person who made me feel happy. I love you

i just don’t understand why i won’t let myself be with you
your all i need and more but i just can’t...why am i like this
i’m sorry i never meant to break your heart i know lockdown is so tough for you
i’m only a call away

and yet i still don’t send these in the fear that you may still see them because you always know if it’s me or not

I do wonder whether those I love you’s you said had any meaning...safe to say they meant the world to me even if I didn’t say it back

You want someone who is exactly like me but you don’t want me. It’s sad because I love you more than I love myself.

You were my first love, although it was a young type of love. Thank you for being my friend despite me having an obvious crush on you for four years.

The love you gave was so pure and good. I'm so happy you are still one of my closest friends. You deserve the world.

gosh where do i begin? you made me feel heard and even though you took hours to reply, i really loved hearing from you. you made me laugh every time you talked and i love your dumb act and nothing will even compare to that. i wish we could’ve talked longer, and i wished i screenshotted every lovely thing you sent me. the only thing I have from you is that stupid “if you were closer i’d take you out on a date with me” thing. seriously, i wish i wasn’t sick that day so i could have a better memory of it. you aren’t my first love but you’re my first favourite guy who i genuinely cared about, and would wait forever for you to text back. hope you’re having fun watching anime you nerd, and i hope you never see dis ??

i sometimes want to be friends again cause i loved ur hugs and ur stupid laugh but when i look past that all i see is how you hurt me and its unforgiveable. ill always be here for you as well but you cant and wont know that ha ha.

honestly i don’t know how to feel about you anymore.

it’s been 3 years i move on well i think i have, i don’t think we’ll ever get back together or be friends but i do love you and wish you nothing but the best.

my love for you feels fake, forced kinda like holding onto that childhood dream you promised yourself would never let go or forget. I think you’ll always have a special place in my heart but i think i am stuck on this because there’s so much happening it’s like a knowing that i love you brings me a sense of stability.

it’s weird i feel like i’m using you to sorta block out the fact that i’m bisexual i feel like you resemble me being straight but i know that’s not the case.

i don’t know.

I don’t know why but I still love you. Even after everything you did to hurt me I still love you. And for that I’m sorry

i hate you so much for doing what u did. u weird ass bitch i’ll never forgive you? peace out piss face

I don't hate you, but I don't love you. I'd say I miss you, even though I never really knew you besides from small glances to longing stares. I remember you'd flirt with me but I was too oblivious to notice, too scared to believe someone may of liked me. And when you told me you had a crush on me I was in shock, and denyed it, isolating myself from people and slowly pushing you away because I didn't believe you'd be happy with a person like me. But I think about you a lot and wish we could talk, laugh, fight or anything, it doesn't matter. However, we're too parellel now, living in different wolds, too different from what we used to be. So I'll just stay quiet until you notice me someday, or until I completely forget about you. But I'd never truly forget you, as it's already been years.

Love.. someone you knew

my dum head :,) i meant '21** not '20 in the last one,, i keep forgetting it's 2021 already sjdkfhkds

i often lay in bed at night, wondering how you sleep, and if it’s better than how you anticipated; i hope you’re sleeping well, but at the same time, there’s a part of me that hopes it’s how you anticipated.
4th of jan, ‘20 — 12:40am

even though you hurt me, and i hurt you we always came back.. and i’m terrified for the day it’s officially over and that there’s no coming back

I want this friendship to work, but the lies need to stop. It’s painful having someone who you trust lying to you all the time. ❤️

I live to spend time with you, but it pains me when you have to leave. I want to stare at the stars with you forever.

I’ll always love you regardless of anything you put me through because I can see the good in you and I see how amazing you are and I see that you’re trying. Love the fuck out of you and I wish and hope you love me the same. You’re my first real love and I want this to last a life time if you’re willing too.

i'm sorry. I'm sorry for letting my emotions get the better of me and for turning the relationship we once had into what it is now. ill always love you, ill still think about you late at night, and ill never forget the love I felt for you. but I need to move on. maybe in a different lifetime matthew.
t x