Unsent messages to JACK

why did we drift apart from each other, every day we use to text and facetime each other and now we don't talk anymore and we use to be best friends but now it feels like we are total strangers and I don't want that, but all things must come to an end and I hope you are doing well and I miss you

oh, hunny bunny. usually when i'm this down i'd run into your arms, but you have let me go. i'm sure you're happy with your new gf, but i am feeling a pain like no other. i love you forever and always

Something you don’t know is that I truly loved you. But I love myself more and what we went through was killing me. I will still forever wonder what we could have been if things didn’t go so wrong. Disappointed about this wasted potential. Wish things were different between us.

i wish you would just talk to me sometimes, and then i wouldn’t be so sad :( i just want the old you back. your not my jack.

thank you for the memories, thank you for making me feel for the first time in 3 months, i love you to this day, i miss you

your love for me made me remember why rainbows come after the rain. forever grateful for you loving me unconditionally you big dork

i dont understand how you say i love you then break up with me the next week bc u fell out of love. fuck you i miss you.

hi idek if you look at this sort of stuff but I loved you, I truly did and I still do, it's been 5 years since I first fell for you and I still do every single day. I hope you're happy now with her because you both deserve it so much, she can do everything I never could. I still love you please never forget that.

i never actually loved u. im sorry for lying to u. again and again. im working on it. it doesnt feel real. i cant even remember your favorite color.

I’m sorry i wasn't stable enough to love you but as i got older I realized you never loved me. You are happy now i just hope life brings us back together

i know that i dont like you like that, and i know that i set you up with her, but why does it hurt so much.

I'm sorry that we never tried. I'm sorry that u were to much of a coward to love me. I'm sorry I was so naive and impatient. I'm sorry that we can never have those moments again. I'm sorry that I can't l love you anymore.

i’m in love with you, ever since we were in high school. you’re the one i can’t move on from but it’s nice having you as a best friend.

im sorry for lying to you. you dont know that I lied though. I couldn't & can't ever bring myself to confess how I truly felt. I started talking to you because I felt bad, I didnt like how you were treated, no one should be having to go through that. I thought it would be nice if I could be your friend. we became closer, to the point where you fell in love with me. you asked how should you confess to someone, & I personally gave you my opinion; a handwritten love letter would personally make me happy, & I think anyone would be happy to receive that as well, its a sweet gesture. the next day, I received a letter, I knew it was from you, but I didnt wanna admit it was because then if it wasn't, it would be embarrassing, so I waited until I came home to read it, & it did indeed turn out to be a love letter from you. my first mistake was writing back to you, saying that, yes I liked you too. im wrong for that. I shouldn't have ever said that, I shouldn't have lied to you & myself. over those coming weeks, I tried convincing myself that I do like you, & while it was a literal lie im telling everyone including myself, I still carried on with it. when you asked if we were in a relationship, I answered that no not really, because "I didn't really like putting labels into this sort of thing, & I also think im not ready" I think my statement still stands. I was never ready because I never liked you that way, & maybe the reason behind "labels" was just an excuse to say that I secretly didn't wanna be in a relationship. & the night you asked if you were to say "I love you" would it be okay? I answered that it's fine but don't expect me to say it back because I liked to use it wisely. & to that point, I realized I was lying to you & myself & that I needed to stop. but I kept digging a deeper hole for myself, it went on for a few more months until I finally reached an escape hole to tell you the truth. you asked if I started to lose feelings, & you asked this because I started talking to someone else (which bothers me when people ask this question), "are you losing feelings for me?" I answered honestly but its also a lie since I never like you, I answered "to be completely honest, yes, & it's not your fault." this whole fib that I had going on is my fault & I wish I just never returned to your letter. I guess I said I liked you back because I wanted to know how it felt like to be loved. I didnt like it. & its solely because I didnt like you back, of course I didnt like the way it was feeling. im sorry jack for lying to you, & im sorry for lying still, you have no idea to this day that I never liked you.

for some reason, i search the nickname you gave me on here with the hope that you think about and miss me. god, i will never be whole again. i’ve let you go, but i like to reminisce every now and then :( jackass

Haha i don't think you'll ever end up seeing this message, considering I'm not using your real name, just an inside joke name we had. but it's such a generic name, it'll easily get lost among the rest of these messages. i just want to say that you were my first love. regardless of how poorly you treated me, nothing will ever change that. You didn't think i was enough, and got bored of me. you just wanted to have a distraction. At first, you did have good intentions i guess. but i do, truly miss those first few weeks a lot. when you called me beautiful, when i was able to talk to you about my issues, my insecurities, my goals, life in general. I also loved learning about you too. you were insecure about your nose and smile, and always talked about it. frankly speaking, they were my favourite physical features of yours. Though you made me feel pretty, losing you was what really helped me learn to love myself, and see myself as beautiful. So although I would've liked having made more memories with you, but it wasn't meant to be. 5 months, we didn't talk at all whatsoever. And now you're back, and for what reason exactly? i'd like to say im unsure, but i know why. you got bored of the girl you left me for. You don't miss me, but maybe just the attention i gave you. there's no denying that although i have a distorted perception of love because i never grew up with a healthy model of it, i tried my absolute best to show you that i cared. in fact, i went out of my way. you mentioned that with your 2 previous girlfriends, you broke up because it felt one-sided. but I guess i wasn't interesting enough for you to keep fighting for.
And i've tried, to move on from you. over the summer i talked to a couple of guys, and although they're much better people than you, that gave me beyond the bare minimum whom i had such amazing conversations with, and yet it didn't feel right.
You bring out a part of me that is foreign to me. when i think of everyone and everything on the face of this earth, I just think of how they're all bad, even without knowing a single thing about them. But when i think of you, even after knowing all the things you did to me that literally shattered my heart and self-esteem for months, I still see the good in you; I still see something special in you. there's so much I wish to say to you in person, but i know that, that's never going to happen.
sure, you offered to hang out and apologize. but it doesn't feel genuine. if you want to be with me again, you need to give so much more effort than what you're giving now.
which. once you think of it, wont happen.
I know that life will take us onto other paths, and ours will most likely never meet again. though that is difficult for me to understand considering how, despite everything, i still want to be with you, it's a reality. But i think the most beautiful thing that came out of this situation, is that you showed me that i'm capable of feeling, and being loved. It was short-lived, and sometimes i miss who i was, when i was with you. but it's in the past, and i can't dwell on someone that treated me as if i was replaceable.

So i just want to say that i wish you the best of luck in life. become a doctor, like you had told me. learn to cook so you can start making more meals with shrimps, maybe learn to shave (your best feature is your smile... the moustache takes away from it), and learn to treat a girl right. Don't make her go through the pain i did.

p.s., i always acted cold and distant because i don't like letting people into my life easily. Even though i'd act so annoyed when youd try anything, I hope you know that i loved every moment of it; cherished them, actually.
what i would do to hear your voice again.
maybe in another life, our paths will diverge. maybe we ended up studying at the same institution. maybe we ended up starting a family, and teaching them spanish and arabic. who knows.

Ivy, by frank ocean. It always made me think of you.

you will always be my little baba and i'm sorry that i was too fragile to get over you and sarah. i honestly do miss you.

When we ended I was broken. Im better now but ill never be the same. I hate you but I can't stop loving you. I still hope you'll show up on my door when we're 30.

Although you hurt me, you still have a place in my heart. I'm sorry I couldn't fix you. I'm sorry I wasn't the one.

if she wasn't in the picture id never let you go sounds wrong but everyone says you look happier with me:(

I'm sorry. you were the sweetest boy I've met who genuinely cared for me but now you love another girl. I've lost my chance and you lost patience. it's too late to change anything and i'm happy to see you with her. you seem happy after all the suffering. i didn't realise how much i loved and appreciated you jack.

Well I wish I told u I like you earlier, because ur kind behind closed doors. The only thing that stopped me was the fact I knew you wouldn’t like me back, I’m ugly and well not good enough, but now I’ve told you I know it’s not right, u only want me for one thing and not for well love

I want to end the year by acknowledging my feelings for you and hopefully it will help to start the new year without anything still lingering. I’d rather say this to you in person, but that’s something I’ll only ever fantasise about, because although I wish I did, I’ll never have to courage to say this to your face. Maybe because I’m too scared you’ll laugh at me, or make me feel stupid for feeling this way. Maybe I don’t want to believe that I have never crossed you mind the way you cross mine everyday. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is how I feel. And that those feelings are real and I shouldn’t bury them deep down inside me.
I kept a journal this year, the very first entry being the night we stayed at Callums house after the party. Me, you and Gia all sleeping on the couch. How as the night progressed, me and you went from sitting in opposite ends to laying together, so close, under the blanket. We were watching a movie, Gia was awake still, sitting down the other end, and you were holding my hand beneath the blanket.

A few weeks before I had a dream about you, the dream was messy but I remember we kissed in it. And it was this incredible kiss that I woke up and couldn’t stop thinking about it. And from then on all I wanted was to actually kiss you and see if it felt as good as it had in my dream.
So that night when we cuddled together on Callums couch I was so incredibly happy. I thought finally someone I like feels the same way about me. I was so scared that I was overthinking it, or that i was really the one instigating it that I only ever stroked your hand after you’d rubbed mine first, or pulled you closer after you’d hugged me tighter. I was calculating it all, nervous I’d make the wrong move and you’d push me away or let go. But you didn’t, and I stayed awake all night so enchanted by this moment that I had always wanted. And it wasn’t that I’d always wanted this moment with you specifically, but a moment so intimate and close like this with someone I felt that way about.
The next morning, as I was lying there awake with my eyes closed, the way I’d spent the entire night, you got up to go shower, and I had to leave early so I went before you came back. I was so incredible happy the whole day.
About a week later, we went to a party. I was sitting with Callum, and I was upset because you weren’t talking to me. And he told me that that night didn’t mean anything to you. That you didn’t in fact like me back
And it broke my heart. But I didn’t want to believe him, so I went and talked to you. Only to be put to shame when you just repeated what he’d already told me.
When I walked home that night, I showered, brushed my teeth, and as soon as my head hit the pillow I cried harder than I had ever cried before. I could stop, I could breathe properly. I was crying so hard it hurt. But I eventually I stopped because I’d fallen asleep.
And I would have gotten over you had you given me a chance. But you kept leading me on. Making me constantly think, maybe he’s changed his mind. But you didn’t.

I’m not saying it’s your fault, but because of what you did. I hated myself. I hated myself for not being enough for you. I constantly wondered what was it about me that wasn’t enough for you. What was it that made you lead me on like that and then decide I wasn’t what you wanted. And because I didn’t know what it was, I just hated everything about me.
And now, after not having seen you for awhile, it’s given me time to get over you. To realise that I shouldn’t even want to be with someone who doesn’t want me.

But at the same time. I know that if you ever did change you mind. I’d be there. And I hate to admit that because it’s so pathetic but it’s also the truth
And I still really want to kiss you. To see if it’s as good as it was in that dream of mine.

i'm sorry for being too much for you, i was really trying to hold back so i wouldn't lose you, but it happened anyway.

You were the last person I expected to abandon me. Looking back, I should have seen the signs. Have a nice life

Did u love me or u just was playing with me? All those things that u told me wasn’t true, right? I really don’t know why I miss u so much.

I don't know why you cheated, why you left or why you disrespected me so much but I still miss you so please come back.

You're someone who'll I'll always keep in the back of my mind. I don't hate you anymore, also kinda weird we study at the same place

I'm happy for you. And I'm over you. But you'll always have a place in my heart. I wish the best for you.

the message is in your favorite color. i wonder if you still think about me as often as i think about you even though we don’t talk anymore. i wish we did, but i actually care about you and i know it’s not mutual. either you reach out or i guess we end where we did. wish you the best, and unfortunately i’ll still always be here for you

why did you do it? why? were you bored, lonely? was there a void that needed to be filled since the last girl broke your heart? we had such a good thing going, we were the best of friends and told each other everything. i wish we would have just stayed friends because then none of this would have ever happened. you left me for her... a hoe who's mouth is bigger than her heart could ever be. u ditched me for her and look where that got you... i spent the whole summer looking in the mirror and hating what i saw, wishing i looked like her. but I've grown, so many guys want me but i can't catch feelings for anyone else because you were always in the back of my mind. fuck you for making me believe in love. and even though you put me through hell and back... i still prayed for you, that God would look out for you and find you a girl who will always be there since apparently i wasn't good enough. after 8 months of hell, heartbreak, and healing... you came back and hit me with the "i miss you" and of course i said it back. but this time around it seems different. i don't think you want me the way i want you. do i fight for you? or do i let you go? God sent you back in my life for a reason and im not sure if i knew why yet. "don't go read the same book expecting a different ending". ima remember that quote.

I still think of your laugh randomly and it all comes back to me and I can’t help but smile and I don’t know why.

I'm finally accepting our position as strangers, I just wonder if I'm the only one stuck on the memory of us.

i love you so much and i can't imagine having to live in this world without you by my side. thank you for being my best friend i love you

I chose blue for you because when i first saw you i knew nothing about you except your face and your rugby uniform, i can't believe my little crush ended up with me being with you, and no matter how long our relationship is, i'm happy i got to know you and know so much more than i ever could've anticipated

Every time i see u at school i get butterflies and i just want to talk to u. Can’t wait to play piano with u again.

I finally have a healthy sleep schedule. not because i wanted to but because the only time i get to see you or talk to you is when i’m dreaming. i’d go to sleep at 7pm if it meant making those dreams last just a little bit longer.

i’ve always liked you why did you have to leave why did i think u ever cared or saw me as anything more i miss you

hey it’s a, I just wanted to tell you that you will always be important to me and I’ve loved you the whole time.

Your never leave my mind every relationship I’m in I still remember u and it hurts I want to forget you but I can’t I love and I know I shouldn’t maybe one day u will call me and tell me how sorry u are because u finally release what u lost because I miss u and I know I shouldn’t and it hurts

When I told u “ I will forever love u no matter what “ i think i cursed myself because ur always on my mind and I hate it now where not together anymore

Sometimes the ones we don't even go out with hurt the most when we stop talking, I miss talking to you and I don't understand why you say all thee nasty things about me when your the one who broke me.

i cared about you so much but in the end all you did was use me to the point where i hated myself and blamed myself for it when it was you you act like you still care about me when clearly you dont

i loved you more than you could ever know. i let go when i should’ve held you tighter and for that i’m sorry

after nearly 7 months without you i still hope you’ll come back and things will be okay and we will be better. i miss you i’ll wait for you still. i love you

You weren't my first love but you were my greatest, even after all this time I pray we get the timing right one day

it’s not that i’m not in love with you, it’s that i can’t be with you. i’m attached but i can’t have you. you can’t have anyone else. we are forever linked but never together...

hey so you know I like you, we've established that. and I know you don't like me back or at least you do but can't date me for some mysterious reason. I just like you so much and I don't even know why. actually yes I do, its cause your funny, lowkey smart (when you want to be), kinda cute, overall just really great. I don't know how many more times I can tell you that. how much my heart races every time I text you something risky or flirty but thankfully your reactions are the best. either 'aww' or something flirty back which I secretly love. But also, I don't think you know how much it hurts me whenever you make interactions with other girls. not all girls! just the ones that are better than me in so many ways like Cadey, Alyssa, Lola and even Paulina. I shouldn't feel like this and I defiantly can't control you but it just...hurts. We have these nice conversations at night but thats all I ever get. I feel constantly compared to Alyssa and i'm just not sure whats so special about her. i'm also annoyed at you, kind of, well your a boy and don't really get these things but your treating me kinda badly; getting along with me one minute then telling me to 'fuck off' the next, Its confusing and hurtful. also the flirting with other girls right in front of my face just to get some sort of reaction out of me? like dude no, that shit hurts. but what hurts even more is when it's my 'friends' and they do it back, claiming it's just 'jokes' but that doesn't matter, still sucks to see. I just end up laughing it off on the outside but crying on the inside or just looking away pretending that its not happening because ' I can't have a reaction ' but someone always notices and try to talk to me. no good though. now I know this isn't really healthy and I should focus on loosing feelings but I can't. i've never felt this attached to someone of the opposite gender. everyone calls me crazy for liking you (actually they call me lanky) but it doesn't phase me. honestly I hope I loose my v-card to you, I don't trust anyone else. well not anyone else yet. bit random I know but I might as well say it cause your never gonna read this and I will never admit this out loud. and now what I came here to truly admit to you and myself... I love you Jack and I wanna be yours.

I wish I hugged you one more time. I wish we still kept in touch. I know deep down we felt the same. I hope some day we reunite

You know I always loved you and always will. No matter who I end up with or who you end up with. I love you forever. Love your babe.