Unsent Messages

Haha i don't think you'll ever end up seeing this message, considering I'm not using your real name, just an inside joke name we had. but it's such a generic name, it'll easily get lost among the rest of these messages. i just want to say that you were my first love. regardless of how poorly you treated me, nothing will ever change that. You didn't think i was enough, and got bored of me. you just wanted to have a distraction. At first, you did have good intentions i guess. but i do, truly miss those first few weeks a lot. when you called me beautiful, when i was able to talk to you about my issues, my insecurities, my goals, life in general. I also loved learning about you too. you were insecure about your nose and smile, and always talked about it. frankly speaking, they were my favourite physical features of yours. Though you made me feel pretty, losing you was what really helped me learn to love myself, and see myself as beautiful. So although I would've liked having made more memories with you, but it wasn't meant to be. 5 months, we didn't talk at all whatsoever. And now you're back, and for what reason exactly? i'd like to say im unsure, but i know why. you got bored of the girl you left me for. You don't miss me, but maybe just the attention i gave you. there's no denying that although i have a distorted perception of love because i never grew up with a healthy model of it, i tried my absolute best to show you that i cared. in fact, i went out of my way. you mentioned that with your 2 previous girlfriends, you broke up because it felt one-sided. but I guess i wasn't interesting enough for you to keep fighting for.
And i've tried, to move on from you. over the summer i talked to a couple of guys, and although they're much better people than you, that gave me beyond the bare minimum whom i had such amazing conversations with, and yet it didn't feel right.
You bring out a part of me that is foreign to me. when i think of everyone and everything on the face of this earth, I just think of how they're all bad, even without knowing a single thing about them. But when i think of you, even after knowing all the things you did to me that literally shattered my heart and self-esteem for months, I still see the good in you; I still see something special in you. there's so much I wish to say to you in person, but i know that, that's never going to happen.
sure, you offered to hang out and apologize. but it doesn't feel genuine. if you want to be with me again, you need to give so much more effort than what you're giving now.
which. once you think of it, wont happen.
I know that life will take us onto other paths, and ours will most likely never meet again. though that is difficult for me to understand considering how, despite everything, i still want to be with you, it's a reality. But i think the most beautiful thing that came out of this situation, is that you showed me that i'm capable of feeling, and being loved. It was short-lived, and sometimes i miss who i was, when i was with you. but it's in the past, and i can't dwell on someone that treated me as if i was replaceable.

So i just want to say that i wish you the best of luck in life. become a doctor, like you had told me. learn to cook so you can start making more meals with shrimps, maybe learn to shave (your best feature is your smile... the moustache takes away from it), and learn to treat a girl right. Don't make her go through the pain i did.

p.s., i always acted cold and distant because i don't like letting people into my life easily. Even though i'd act so annoyed when youd try anything, I hope you know that i loved every moment of it; cherished them, actually.
what i would do to hear your voice again.
maybe in another life, our paths will diverge. maybe we ended up studying at the same institution. maybe we ended up starting a family, and teaching them spanish and arabic. who knows.

Ivy, by frank ocean. It always made me think of you.