Unsent Messages

I want to end the year by acknowledging my feelings for you and hopefully it will help to start the new year without anything still lingering. I’d rather say this to you in person, but that’s something I’ll only ever fantasise about, because although I wish I did, I’ll never have to courage to say this to your face. Maybe because I’m too scared you’ll laugh at me, or make me feel stupid for feeling this way. Maybe I don’t want to believe that I have never crossed you mind the way you cross mine everyday. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is how I feel. And that those feelings are real and I shouldn’t bury them deep down inside me.
I kept a journal this year, the very first entry being the night we stayed at Callums house after the party. Me, you and Gia all sleeping on the couch. How as the night progressed, me and you went from sitting in opposite ends to laying together, so close, under the blanket. We were watching a movie, Gia was awake still, sitting down the other end, and you were holding my hand beneath the blanket.

A few weeks before I had a dream about you, the dream was messy but I remember we kissed in it. And it was this incredible kiss that I woke up and couldn’t stop thinking about it. And from then on all I wanted was to actually kiss you and see if it felt as good as it had in my dream.
So that night when we cuddled together on Callums couch I was so incredibly happy. I thought finally someone I like feels the same way about me. I was so scared that I was overthinking it, or that i was really the one instigating it that I only ever stroked your hand after you’d rubbed mine first, or pulled you closer after you’d hugged me tighter. I was calculating it all, nervous I’d make the wrong move and you’d push me away or let go. But you didn’t, and I stayed awake all night so enchanted by this moment that I had always wanted. And it wasn’t that I’d always wanted this moment with you specifically, but a moment so intimate and close like this with someone I felt that way about.
The next morning, as I was lying there awake with my eyes closed, the way I’d spent the entire night, you got up to go shower, and I had to leave early so I went before you came back. I was so incredible happy the whole day.
About a week later, we went to a party. I was sitting with Callum, and I was upset because you weren’t talking to me. And he told me that that night didn’t mean anything to you. That you didn’t in fact like me back
And it broke my heart. But I didn’t want to believe him, so I went and talked to you. Only to be put to shame when you just repeated what he’d already told me.
When I walked home that night, I showered, brushed my teeth, and as soon as my head hit the pillow I cried harder than I had ever cried before. I could stop, I could breathe properly. I was crying so hard it hurt. But I eventually I stopped because I’d fallen asleep.
And I would have gotten over you had you given me a chance. But you kept leading me on. Making me constantly think, maybe he’s changed his mind. But you didn’t.

I’m not saying it’s your fault, but because of what you did. I hated myself. I hated myself for not being enough for you. I constantly wondered what was it about me that wasn’t enough for you. What was it that made you lead me on like that and then decide I wasn’t what you wanted. And because I didn’t know what it was, I just hated everything about me.
And now, after not having seen you for awhile, it’s given me time to get over you. To realise that I shouldn’t even want to be with someone who doesn’t want me.

But at the same time. I know that if you ever did change you mind. I’d be there. And I hate to admit that because it’s so pathetic but it’s also the truth
And I still really want to kiss you. To see if it’s as good as it was in that dream of mine.