Unsent messages to ZACH

If you see this, please reach out to me through any means that you can. It's okay if you forgot my phone number. I have never been the same without you in my life.

it was complicated but some how to simplest thing i had ever known. regardless of all the bullshit i just craved your presence and love.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, I miss you so much it hurts. You were the one for me and I’ve been struggling to pick myself up now that you’re gone. I love you 3000

I miss you. I wish things ended differently. Not a day goes by that your not on my mind. i’m glad your happy now but it sucks that i’m not. I will probably always be here if you ever do decide you want me. Also I know you won’t see this but thanks for hurting me. Go fuck yourself

i know why you push me away.. and i get it. but please come back. i can’t stop thinking about you.
shelby

i know you don't feel the same abt me, but i feel like you're perfect for me and we'd work and i cant stop thinking abt you

I’m sorry. What I said and how I acted was wrong. I’m happy for you. It’s good that you moved on, I just wish you didn’t lie to me about her.

I didn’t know that one person could make me so happy too bad I have already accepted that you will never feel the same about me.

For the guy who showed me i could love. For the guy who showed i could be loved. For the guy who showed me what love meant. For the guy who gave meaning to that stupid word. I hate u for taking the love from me. But i know u hate yourself for that even more.
So it's ok. I love you

i love you so much i would to long distance. even though we both agreed that wasn’t an option. that’s the only time i’ve lied to you.

i really wish you would live closer but you live on the other side of the world. i wish you would come and see me and i wish i could actually show you my love and not over facetime. i love you so much and always will

I met someone new. He is perfect. But he isn’t you. I’m scared I’ll live my whole life wondering what could’ve been. I’ll never tell you this though. I’ll just continue pretending I’m ok with just being friends.

i wonder if you think about me sometimes, i never meant to make you so mad. i wish we could be friends

without you ,i wouldn't be breathing right now.
you saved my life without knowledge of doing so.

thank you.

the very first day i met you i knew you were different. even from the start you instantly made me feel safe and i knew we were gonna be close. i just really wish that lasted longer because the one year was nowhere near enough time. i miss you so much. i miss our late night texts, our music, all the shows we started watching together, everything. you were the only person who could make me feel okay again and now your gone. im learning how to be fine with out you and i know its not gonna be easy. you were a huge part of my life and my person at one point but im getting there. some days are harder than others ill admit, sometimes i just wanna call you or text you and tell you how much i miss you but i can't. everytime i think of you i feel sick, like that sick you feel when you know something bad has happened. you showed me my true self and, before you broke me, you made me so so happy.i knew it was gonna end. i just didn't want it to end like that but i need to let go. i love you forever and ever zach.

its always gonna be her isn't it? it always has been her and always will be. i hold on to u through the stories she tells but its hard hearing them when im not a part of the memories. i miss u and ur goofiness

it scares me that i might never love anyone as much as i love you. when i think about anyone else they just can't compare to you. to the happiness you gave me, to the love i felt when we were first talking. i didn't wanna lose you. you mean the whole world to me and i just want what we had to come back somehow. i keep dwelling on it as if the more i get sad over it the more chance there is of everything going back but it won't. ill never see mac and cheese the same, ill never listen to that play list without thinking about you, ill never see anything the same because you were in every part of my life. i miss you.

you were the first person i ever truly loved. i thought i would always have you, that you were my forever person but that night changed everything. i still miss you and i always will.

I found my Lucifer. He hates me. Or maybe he just doesn't want to be seen with me. I don't know. You tell me

i wish you knew how much you mean to me but to u I am just a weird girl you've met a few times but why can't I be more than that and how can you not see how I feel about you. i think about you all the time so much I can't even sleep but I feel comfort in your presence whether its in my head or not. i wish I had the balls to say I love you because I do but I am scared i will just let it slip oneday even though it feels natural to me it also feels too soon, but that is the effect you have on me and i wish you didn't have this much control over me but you do. you are either making me feel like the happiest girl in the world or make me cry myself to sleep knowing we will never be anything

you said that when you die you want to be surrounded by all the atoms that love you. I want to be more than that.

i remember looking out your car window and thinking i was the happiest i could ever be. but then you chose her.

You don’t know the pain you caused me, but I shared a little of it with you. I hope you finally understand now.

i hate how you said you would respond back after we stopped talking for months, and then never respond. i guess this the unexpected ending that was gonna hurt. i hope college treats you well and everything we did from driving back from winter percussion practice, walking to my house, and just facetiming to keep one another company... i hope all of that was as fun as I remembered them to be. thank you for all the memories, i hold them deeply in my heart. bye dummy

you were wrong, you said I would move on. just like I always do. but it's been two years and I still think about you.

you wasted my time for months and I want to text you so badly but you don’t deserve anymore of it. it makes me hate you when I wonder if everything was a lie.

i know how wrong n unrealistic it is, but my love for you is like no other, nothing i’ve felt before
and seeing you with her is shattering me.
i’m sorry i’m not good enough

I still love you. I don’t think I will ever stop loving you. I wish I could be with you. I just want to talk to you, I miss you.

i know you used me because you were bored, but i genuinely loved you. i loved you more then i loved myself

hey so i’m not really sure why i’m writing this but here we go. idk if you were my first love but you definitely are now. zach, i just want to date you and be in a happy relationship with you. you don’t seem to like me but i am praying we will find our way to eachother. please just please let this be true

i’m not even upset we didn’t workout anymore. you’re a selfish, manipulative liar and you’ve hurt me far too many times. i’m done

I wish things could've turned out different. I wish you could understand why we ended. I'll never forget you or the impact you had on my life. Thank you for everything. Make the next girl happier. Time to let go.

I wish you'd realize how much you hurt me. But no matter how much you do, I'll always go back to you.

hey loser, i know I’ve said everything I needed to, but to our not so surprise... you’re still never off my mind. I love you and you know that. I’m always going to love you no matter what, and I wish you could say the same. Even if we never really talk despite how much we want to try to it never works and that’s okay. It sucks that I feel deeper than you did. Though you’ve never actually hurt me and we never actually got together I love you. I wish we had been something, but it’s okay that we weren’t we were still young. Thank you for all the lessons I’ve learned and am still learning from loving you. I don’t know if we’ll be something in the future but who knows. As of right now you’re the one that got away; the right person wrong time type of thing. You hold the most special place in my heart. Even if it broke me to pieces to know you’ve moved on in still so happy for you. I wish you’ll find someone special. Hopefully one day we can just laugh together and talk as friends because you mean the world to me and I wish you could be in my life. Haha I know we still see each other and it’s weird sometimes, but that’s okay. Whether I see you, won’t see you, mad, sad, happy, good, bad, or whatever it be you’re the treasure my heart found. As of now we’re distant, but hey that’s okay... I can love you from the distance too if that’s what’s best :)

i hate u. ur a fat ugly motherfucker. i’m embarrassed i had feelings for u. i hope the girl u broke up with me for was worth it xx

You taught me how to love when I thought it wasn’t real anymore I will always have a place in my heart for you

you didn’t just tell lies. your smile did too. i believed you when you said “i love you”, and watched you fall out.

I know we’re only friends, but it always feels like there’s something more. I will always be there for you and love you.

I am worried about you. I want you back badly, I want to help with your healing. I still love you, I miss u sm bucko

you and your friends broke me into a million pieces, yall thought was funny. my anxiety went up much higher thanks to you.

I.. still miss you. I hate admitting this since it’s been a while, but you never fail to cross my mind. I wish I could go back in time to just spend a few more moments in your arms. You were the only person to make me as happy as you did, and yet when you left, everything fell to shambles. I would never tell you this to guilt trip you, because I truly want you to be happy. I know you left because it wouldn’t have been fair to me to stay when you went to college. You found distance, and that’s okay.
I think I’ll always love you, and it’s understandable if I don’t hold the same place in your heart. I hope you remember me, I really do. I feel foolish for how often I think about you, but you’re the best person I’ve had the privilege of being with. You set the bar astronomically high, and I still struggle with moving on. I haven’t been able to even form a crush on anyone, but I know I need to focus on myself too. I don’t know how the future will play out, but I’m content with having finally experienced genuine, healthy love. You were my person at the time, and the only one I’ve felt such a strong soul connection to.
I hope you find nothing but joy and satisfaction in your life.
Thank you for giving me a reason to push forward those two years we were together.
You’re so talented, please don’t overthink yourself into an endless pit. You’ll get where you want to be eventually, and I admire you for your hard work.
I still find aspects of you in me, and where I am now. But, the way I miss you is like how an old friend misses their platonic companion. My heart still aches, but that’s alright. I’ve accepted that.
I just want you to be happy and do the right thing for yourself.
I wish you all the best, Spider.

You were a really shity person. You made me feel embarrassed about myself. you manipulated me. You fucked me up more than you know.

I'm married now and think about you less and less. I'm not sure I understand the imprint you left on me.

I loved you a lot, but i think i started to love you less once i realized your weren’t the person i thought you were

I liked you so much and I still do even though its been 2 years. But somehow I still cant get over you

I loved you. You were what i Iooked forward to in the day and what comforted me at night. Those times, our times. It felt like something else. Your smile drove me mad and I was trapped in your gaze but the best part was the way you acted. You always caught me staring but you were always staring back. I always used to wonder what it was about you or even if you felt the same. Its not like you are gone. I see you every day and everytime for that split second I wonder what you think about when your eyes are in mine. It sounds cliche to a really crappy point and I never thought I could feel something like this but I do. I replay our conversations all the time and its like a fantasy, I was addicted to the way I felt about you and I dont regret it. You made me feel something indescribable. At first I thought okay let's see how stuff goes but as rumors passed and thing s became clearer I started to think. More and more. That's when it clicked. Oh shit. It honestly amazes me how fickle men can be. Or just the way their actions relate to their conscience. That one time when it was snowing and all I could think about was the warm feeling that you gave me in the coldest times or the way you teased me and held a longing stare. Then it was weird. I never saw your face or heard my name in your mouth for 8 months. I think I subconsciously waited while my body yearned to move on. Our little conversations meant so much to me. Friends dont look at the way we do to each other. Everything was weird and uncomfortable and different and just felt wrong. It all was jumbled up inside that small room and it was like we never met. For God sake you wouldn't even look or say hi. Now I'm thinking what the hell is going on. I knew for a fact that you liked me zach. I also knew for a fact that I loved you too. There were times I considered telling you. I planned it all out. I walked up to you said my piece and walked away. Reality hit and I could do it. I think my head has made it worse than it actually is. The pain, the joy the endless wonder and hope. And if it couldn't be any more confusing you started to be normal again. The jokes the stares. I mean that was a job I tried to give up but clearly the manager was being a stubborn prick. I didn't even understand what was going on in my own head.Every time I look at you everything rushed back and I do t think I can cope with that anymore. I am not going to let someone who doesn't have the ability to text me more than 4 words back or even for that matter contact me me to use me control me. I am my own person and that is that. I deserve so much more. I hate that I still hope and a part of me is still hoping. Its not like I can just kick you out of my classes or ignore you completely. It never began. But it felt so incredibly real and you said one thing but your eyes were telling a different story. Maybe you do wonder and think , damn I miss her. Every blue moon i hope and wish I could relive those days, even a moment. But now I'm tired of leaving unwanted and neglected. You could still be ICANT EVEN EXPLAIIN. even if you feel that way, good for you. I realised I started to turn myself off slowly, bit by bit. I listened to music louder and more often. I smiled less and talked more. I stopped looking at you and felt this power of understanding self worth and who I am and what I bloody deserve. Congrats! You have a superpower on me now. I didn't want to let go what made me sad because it makes me happy but I have too much to offer and the world is big enough for me to get over you. Maybe in a different lifetime love. In the end all I want is for someone to hold my hand like a movie and for us to have the nights of our lives and for him to make me feel like I cant even stand or just-. I want to drown in my own love and happiness, ravishing comfort every night. I believe in love because you made me feel it. But I want chaos and a mess and all of that sappy stuff because that's who I am. I don't let people see it and I am super glad I never let you. I am not going to let someone make me feel so useless and unwanted and confused and wronged and dumb and hopeful and mad. I am working on myself by myself. My heavy soul can't comprehend the happy personality and this is one of cases where it just gets weird. I dont regret you or how it ended zach. I remember how happy it made me. I also remember the understanding you brought to my naive mind. I won't ever regret you because it was like dipping my toes in the love I longed for. It was pure and honset and one of its kind. You are my favorite and most painful story to tell. So as I sit here, I thank you for all you've done but also change my views and opinions of you. I dont hate you. I never will. I just realised that what I need and my goals just dont fit with yours. And thats okay. I can get through this. I will the time to become even better than i am now. The next time I see you you are nothing more than a peer. It is going to be tough but I need to and want to. You are a lesson and a moral. Thank you.

I loved you. You were what i Iooked forward to in the day and what comforted me at night. Those times, our times. It felt like something else. Your smile drove me mad and I was trapped in your gaze but the best part was the way you acted. You always caught me staring but you were always staring back. I always used to wonder what it was about you or even if you felt the same. Its not like you are gone. I see you every day and everytime for that split second I wonder what you think about when your eyes are in mine. It sounds cliche to a really crappy point and I never thought I could feel something like this but I do. I replay our conversations all the time and its like a fantasy, I was addicted to the way I felt about you and I dont regret it. You made me feel something indescribable. At first I thought okay let's see how stuff goes but as rumors passed and thing s became clearer I started to think. More and more. That's when it clicked. Oh shit. It honestly amazes me how fickle men can be. Or just the way their actions relate to their conscience. That one time when it was snowing and all I could think about was the warm feeling that you gave me in the coldest times or the way you teased me and held a longing stare. Then it was weird. I never saw your face or heard my name in your mouth for 8 months. I think I subconsciously waited while my body yearned to move on. Our little conversations meant so much to me. Friends dont look at the way we do to each other. Everything was weird and uncomfortable and different and just felt wrong. It all was jumbled up inside that small room and it was like we never met. For God sake you wouldn't even look or say hi. Now I'm thinking what the hell is going on. I knew for a fact that you liked me zach. I also knew for a fact that I loved you too. There were times I considered telling you. I planned it all out. I walked up to you said my piece and walked away. Reality hit and I could do it. I think my head has made it worse than it actually is. The pain, the joy the endless wonder and hope. And if it couldn't be any more confusing you started to be normal again. The jokes the stares. I mean that was a job I tried to give up but clearly the manager was being a stubborn prick. I didn't even understand what was going on in my own head.Every time I look at you everything rushed back and I do t think I can cope with that anymore. I am not going to let someone who doesn't have the ability to text me more than 4 words back or even for that matter contact me me to use me control me. I am my own person and that is that. I deserve so much more. I hate that I still hope and a part of me is still hoping. Its not like I can just kick you out of my classes or ignore you completely. It never began. But it felt so incredibly real and you said one thing but your eyes were telling a different story. Maybe you do wonder and think , damn I miss her. Every blue moon i hope and wish I could relive those days, even a moment. But now I'm tired of leaving unwanted and neglected. You could still be ICANT EVEN EXPLAIIN. even if you feel that way, good for you. I realised I started to turn myself off slowly, bit by bit. I listened to music louder and more often. I smiled less and talked more. I stopped looking at you and felt this power of understanding self worth and who I am and what I bloody deserve. Congrats! You have a superpower on me now. I didn't want to let go what made me sad because it makes me happy but I have too much to offer and the world is big enough for me to get over you. Maybe in a different lifetime love. In the end all I want is for someone to hold my hand like a movie and for us to have the nights of our lives and for him to make me feel like I cant even stand or just-. I want to drown in my own love and happiness, ravishing comfort every night. I believe in love because you made me feel it. But I want chaos and a mess and all of that sappy stuff because that's who I am. I don't let people see it and I am super glad I never let you. I am not going to let someone make me feel so useless and unwanted and confused and wronged and dumb and hopeful and mad. I am working on myself by myself. My heavy soul can't comprehend the happy personality and this is one of cases where it just gets weird. I dont regret you or how it ended zach. I remember how happy it made me. I also remember the understanding you brought to my naive mind. I won't ever regret you because it was like dipping my toes in the love I longed for. It was pure and honset and one of its kind. You are my favorite and most painful story to tell. So as I sit here, I thank you for all you've done but also change my views and opinions of you. I dont hate you. I never will. I just realised that what I need and my goals just dont fit with yours. And thats okay. I can get through this. I will the time to become even better than i am now. The next time I see you you are nothing more than a peer. It is going to be tough but I need to and want to. You are a lesson and a moral. Thank you.

Sorry that I was so eager to love you that you felt lyou needed to push me away to catch your breath.

you’ve changed. i guess the least i could say to you is that i’m glad you’re not in my life anymore. i miss when we were 11 all the way to 13. but i guess now, 2 years later, i see that you weren’t the person i thought you were.

you came out of nowhere when i was in a bad headspace and got me out of there. i am so thankful for you. you may have had a moment where you didn't seem to care as much about me, but now you are back to how you were when we first started talking and i am so much happier