Unsent messages to ZACH

Everything reminds me of you. The songs, the streets, the places we used to go, even words you used to use a little too often remind me of you. I felt important at times and a plastic bag at others, but that never made me fall out of love. And never will, the desire I have to be with you is so strong and I just wish I could tell you.

I don't know what happened. I think after replaying the words you said to me over and over in my head it finally clicked. You didn't love me, and every time you said you did you were lying. i used to joke around with you about how you were a horrible liar, but jeez you really had me fooled. I finally have peace of mind, and it feels really fucking good.

Why couldn’t you love me like I loved you? What did I not have? I was in so deep and you didn’t care.

You know what, I miss you. I will probably never see you again but without covid-19, I would be dating you. I just know it.

I still wonder what life would be like if everything worked out. I still look for your car while I drive. It's been four years.

I miss you all the time. I wish I knew if you were safe and cared for now. I wish things never happened the way they did. You did and always will mean so much to me.

He is so much kinder than you'll ever be. You never cared for me. He does, a googolplex percent more.

I still think about you sometimes, but in an "I hope he's doing well" sense. I wish we could be friends.

i wish you didn’t treat me like shit at the end of our relationship. i think of you every day. i miss what we had.

You were my first. I still think about you every day. I hate that you're in my head, don't know if it would be better for you to die or for me to get the chance to talk to you again. You broke me and then made me out to be a horrible person. I can't forgive you for that no matter how much I want to

i am jealous i’m really jealous, but i don’t ever want to tell you that i’m jealous because you’d think less of me. how do i ever put it out there that i want you to be mine? i just want our relationship to not feel so one sided.

Sometimes I wonder if you truly like me or if you just enjoy my attention. I genuinely hope you like me.

I still think the reason you left me is because I wasn’t good enough. I gave you the world. I did everything for you. You have left me in pieces, hating myself. I want to hate you but I can’t. I miss you. After everything you put me through. I miss you.

Please don't let this be the end of our story, there is still so much magic to be written. It no longer is about my fairytale, it's our fairytale.

it’s 5am and i’m crying. i miss how you used to care. i wish i didn’t take it for granted. i’m sorry that i never showed you how much i truly cared about you. truth is, it scared me because i cared too much. i still care. the love i have for you scares me. i don’t know how to show you that love. i’m sorry if i made you feel like i didn’t love you. i did. i do. i wish i could restart and do things differently to show you that i do care. i care so much. i’m sorry for not showing it sooner. but now you don’t care about me anymore. i guess it’s my fault for pushing you away so i’m sorry. i re read our old texts everyday. i miss you. so much. i’m so so sorry. i miss your voice. i wish you would just call. i look for you in everyone else. i can’t move on. they aren’t you. please text me or call me. please show me you care again.. if you even see this at all.

Sometimes I think of what could have been. We had spent so much time together, oblivious to our feelings. I was so naive. I wish you would come back.m

there’s so much i want to say to you. i wrote you a long long letter that i will never deliver to you. maybe i’ll burn it. it’s hard to let go

I fell for you way too quickly because you made me feel safe. I know it didn't mean that much to you, and I don't hold that against you. I still miss your eyes.

You shattered my heart into a million pieces but if I could I’d do it all over again just to have another moment with you

I’m truly free from hurt.. but sometimes during the day, I remember what it felt like to be sobbing at the bottom of my shower for 2 hours.. those feelings remind me that I’m worth more than what you gave.

i can't wrap my mind around the fact that last week we were talking about our future and laughing together, yet yesterday you told me you didn't love me anymore. I miss you so much zach. i love you.

i know what happened wasn't your fault; i think part of why i was as upset as i was is because of how my self esteem took a hit. its hard for me to open myself up to love so everything that happened seemed to cement in my head that im not someone who gets to have that. i dont hate you or anything like that, im not mad or angry or upset anymore, but i don't think i can handle you being in my life just because itll be a constant reminder of the mindset i have that im not deserving of love. i want to get back to college, but in my head i know that im just hoping that going back to school will reset everything that happened over break and that you'd be back in my life, so i need to remind myself that it won't happen like that. when i think about everything between us and the memories i have of the fall they seem like dreams; in the moment i had always had this feeling of "i cant believe that this is real", and now it feels like it never happened and was all in my head. i know that right now we're in kind of a similar social circle so i cant exactly avoid you, but i know that i cant be your friend for a while, at least until i know that im not in love with you anymore, or until i know i wont fall back in love with you. i have no idea if you even know what this site is, or if you're reading this but im not sure if id want you to see it or not. even if i did want you to see it i know at least that i dont have the courage to send it to you. this message is so long but i dont know where else to put my thoughts: i dont like writing about you in my journal anymore. i threw out the drawings i did of you, some were bad and some were decent but i cant have them anymore. i never could get your image quite right anyways. i hope that you and your family are doing okay. I wonder if you still think about me. seeing as youre the one who ended things I wouldn't blame you if you've moved on completely. I wish i could do the same. i just hope that maybe i left the tiniest impact in your life. i hope that the next time you fall in love that it lasts. i hope that i at least cross your mind once in a while. youre constantly on mine, as much as i try otherwise.

You made me happier since the day we met. As we continue on, I see how alike we are. I love how you don’t understand my anxiety but you’re still doing your best to help me. I love how everything I do bc of it, you try to make me rationalize and realize the whole world doesn’t hate me or want to laugh at me. Thank you so much and I miss you :) can’t wait to see you irl again

you never listened to me. I was always a second option. even when I was in the middle of breaking up with you, you couldn't find time for me. you never cared.

For a moment I really thought we could make it. I really did. No matter how many times people warned me about you and told me that I would get hurt, I didn't listen. I didn't want to. All I wanted was you.

zachary,,, i hope u stop hurting,,, you dont say it but,,, ik its there,,, theres sm i dont understand,,, but just know that i think of you often,,, your role in my life is quite nice and i appreciate absolutely everything you do for me even though i never stick around long,,, you do sm to impact me and those around you,,, heal,,, i love you bubba

I cannot seem to let go, there's just something there that is keeping this flame alive. So please tell me how to put it out for good. I need to let go.

i hate you so fucking much and the thought of you and anyone else makes me so happy bc i know they won’t ever be as good as me.

what happened to not being able to leave eachother alone? you made a promise and again you broke it. i hate that i love you.

honestly surprised it’s been this long and you haven’t reached out, unless you’ve realized you’re wrong for once

hey. u may read this at some point idk but it’s A. this note is the same color as ur rockstar jacket. have any guesses? anyway i think we were a good couple just not at the right time. we both hurt each other but it was worth the fun. bye lolz

sometimes I think about who you used to be. I really loved you with everything I had in me. It was a good lesson and I have grown so much from it. sometimes I wish we had stayed friends or civil, we really went through so much together. I used to be so hurt over it all, now I really understand we had to end for the better of us both. I hope one day we can catch up and smile on the years we spent together, you'll always be my first love.

i get that we aren’t supposed to be together, we aren’t good for each other. but fuck what if we could be?

I liked you more than you liked me. I thought we had something special. i felt something and I know you did too. I felt something with you that I've never felt with any other guy. i guess the timing was wrong. maybe we'll meet each other again someday.

as much as it hurts not to talk to you, i want to block your number because im scared you'll text me because i know i'd answer

i feel sick thinking about you now. i want to text you because you were always the person i'd go to but now i can't and it hurts

even tho we are REALLY different, I love you. Even if you not don't live me back. Even if we have to stay as friends. I LOVE YOU.

i love you so much. you actually mean the world to me and i’m so happy i met you. i would’ve never expected to get this far w you and i’m so lucky i did. i love you so much

Zach. Honestly I love you, but you need to realize your not the only one with problems. You constantly leave me. You'll unfriend me without a reason. I know you'll come back. You always do, it hurts every time. I'm getting more used to it but every time, it hurts. You constantly call me names and hurt my feelings. I've told my mom about you. She's convinced i like you and i constantly tell her i don't. My dad told me he likes seeing me happy because i was smiling while texting you. Your one of the only people i've met that are nice with my siblings. I love you and every small detail about you. I love that you make me happy. I love you.

Something. That's what I call it. I am not sure how to define it. It does not strictly fit in the category of friendship nor relationship. I put so much time, so much effort and energy into this "something" that is in the end, continuously hurting me over and over again. It is like I vicious cycle that I can not control, let alone stop. I know this is bad for me but I can't help myself. Your words hurt, joking or not. Everything you do has an affect on me. You could call me sensitive or you could call me in love. Regardless, I know one thing. I care about and I want you in my life, whether it be for the better or for the worse.

I'm not sure if I will ever stop loving you, but I hope that at some point I will stop letting you hurt me.

zach, thank you. god i cant even thank you enough. i feel like youre always ALWAYS there for me. i wish i showed all that back, but i really suck at those types of things. god i couldnt ever thank you enough. ilysm, i dont know what i would do without you. i love you, no homo ofc ofc :))

please never forget about me. about the nights you told me to look at the moon, the plans we made, the songs we made each other listen to, the i love you's, everything. you made me feel okay when i wanted to be gone even when you were part of the reason i felt that way. im still waiting for you to call, give me some sign that you still care. because i know you did. going through our first few months of messages hurt because you cared so much and i took it for granted. even though that changed i still had you. i still had that hope we would go back to normal and you would show me that love again. when everything got bad i always thought well at least ill have you. as long as i have you that's all i will ever need. and then just like that you were gone. im making it without you but this past month has been so hard. there's been times where i can't take it any more and i go to call you because i know hearing your voice would make all my problems go away but i can't. i really miss you dude. forever.

i’m not good at texting you directly so. here. you mean so much to me and i have trouble being not awkward. i love you (only like a friend homie) but yeah.

i know we have a rocky relationship but please refrain from playing with my feelings for a bit. the whole you ghosting thing caught me so off guard and i really liked you :(

you're doing great bubba. i'm so sorry for not being there i'm sorry for putting u through all of this

yk what fuck you. you ruined me and you have no idea how badly you affected me. you never even said why u left.

I know I was not what you wanted, we were and are still to young to know, but just know you made a big impact on me. i'll never forget who I thought you were.

dear zach thank you for being the light at the end of the tunnel you changed my perspective on life so much

You probably will never read this but I think I'm in love with you and you couldn't care less about me