Unsent Messages

i know what happened wasn't your fault; i think part of why i was as upset as i was is because of how my self esteem took a hit. its hard for me to open myself up to love so everything that happened seemed to cement in my head that im not someone who gets to have that. i dont hate you or anything like that, im not mad or angry or upset anymore, but i don't think i can handle you being in my life just because itll be a constant reminder of the mindset i have that im not deserving of love. i want to get back to college, but in my head i know that im just hoping that going back to school will reset everything that happened over break and that you'd be back in my life, so i need to remind myself that it won't happen like that. when i think about everything between us and the memories i have of the fall they seem like dreams; in the moment i had always had this feeling of "i cant believe that this is real", and now it feels like it never happened and was all in my head. i know that right now we're in kind of a similar social circle so i cant exactly avoid you, but i know that i cant be your friend for a while, at least until i know that im not in love with you anymore, or until i know i wont fall back in love with you. i have no idea if you even know what this site is, or if you're reading this but im not sure if id want you to see it or not. even if i did want you to see it i know at least that i dont have the courage to send it to you. this message is so long but i dont know where else to put my thoughts: i dont like writing about you in my journal anymore. i threw out the drawings i did of you, some were bad and some were decent but i cant have them anymore. i never could get your image quite right anyways. i hope that you and your family are doing okay. I wonder if you still think about me. seeing as youre the one who ended things I wouldn't blame you if you've moved on completely. I wish i could do the same. i just hope that maybe i left the tiniest impact in your life. i hope that the next time you fall in love that it lasts. i hope that i at least cross your mind once in a while. youre constantly on mine, as much as i try otherwise.