Unsent messages to SAM

brown for the color of your eyes. yeesh, where do i begin? you are my best friend, and i love you so much. you have truly made such an impact on my life and i can never thank you enough for that. i hate that i'm in love with you, because i cant do anything about it. i hope you know how much you mean to me. i think about you all day, everyday. i just want you to be happy. i wish you lived closer because then maybe, just maybe things would be different.

the thing is, I don't believe that if you really loved a person you could just "move on". I think you just forget what it was like to love them, to be loved by them. But I don't want to forget you.

you're the only reason i'm still here. for the past year, you are the only thing that actually kept me going. i think about that a lot. because why. why you. every time i think of leaving i tell myself that i cant do that to you, but i dont think you would even really care. yeah maybe you would be sad for a day, but then you would carry on, go to university just like you've always planned, get another girlfriend and go to parties. i'm not important to you anymore. i know i used to be. but not anymore.
i dont even know where we went wrong. it wasn't supposed to be like this. never did i think that we would end up here. never. so i'm sorry. i'm sorry for destroying what we had, and for fucking us up. i don't know exactly what i did, but i know that this isn't your fault.
i'll see you soon.

you’re a dirty dickhead, and deserve nothing, i can’t believe i stayed around for you, just so you could use me for my body. i hope everything gets worse for you.

i hope you see this someday. we're sam and *****, we'll figure it out. maybe we'll be friends. i just miss you.

How can you not even want to talk to me after everything we've been through? You destroyed me, left me broken, and you get to go off and be okay? It's not fair.

Sometimes I think of a part of you, and I want to throw my heart into the ocean. Sometimes I want to throw you.

I don't even know why you even admitted your feelings to me if you didn't want a relationship. I was so upfront and respectful with you and at the end of our conversation, you ghosted me! I wish I just replied by asking if it was a joke because now I think everyone is playing a prank on me when they say that type of stuff.

i cry over you every single night. i’ve been in love with you since our adventure in philadelphia and you are such a great human and i know you have commitment and vulnerability issues but i’m ok with that and you being 700 miles away from me because no other guy is appealing to me and all i do is compare every single one to you and look for you in them and none compare? or the fact you will never feel the same?

when you said it was over you broke my heart into 1000 pieces. you're my home and the only one who can put it together again. please don't leave me

We don’t even talk right now and you don’t think about me at all, but I still hope it’s you and me in the end

You touched me on places I never been touched. You made me feel butterflies. But then you dropped me like I was a joke

I'm not sure if what I felt for you was love, but I'm pretty sure it was. I will never forget you. I wish I had known you were sick before you left us x

you are like elevator music to me, for i don’t know how i couldnt live my life without you in the background.

you asked me one day after school why i laid in the snow in the middle of the field. i would of expected myself to of done it for your attention but i did it because you were around and when you were around i felt like nothing in the world could ever hurt me, i could let myself go to another universe in front of who ever, whenever and not worry about looking insane. i could finally breath and not care and completely let myself go. that had never happened before, completly letting myself go i mean, and it sadly hasn't happened since.

they say never make someone your everything because when they leave you will have nothing. well i had never heard that saying until yesterday so now that im here, almost two years later, feeling alone and like i nothing care to maybe help me out here?

staying up all night hurts me but its the only way i can feel close to you right now. i wish that you didn't make me feel as weak as i do now. its almost been two years and im starting to feel so pathetic...

Hey princess, I miss what we had. I miss when it was only butterflies and not knowing if i’m gonna loose you or not everyday. I tried so much for you and, yet you put 0 effort. I love you, but please I wish you tried harder for me.

i love you. ik i never said it but i love so fucking much. i wish i could have told you but the idea of telling u terrifies me

I know I can't have you, but I really want you. I miss talking to you and I miss your voice and i miss your voice

we were so good and then u ruined it but i cant be mad because it isnt your fault that i loved you so easily

i saw the pain in your eyes and knew i couldn’t hurt you ever again. i have to find myself. i’ll see you again. i’m sorry. i’ll love you always.

i feel like you love me more than you love your own girlfriend, and that scares me. we will either become so close that we fuck, or have a falling out from how close we are now. we wont stay this way for long. im just terrified that i like you. from a non-emotional standpoint, this is the worst decision.

I'm so sorry. I truly am. You meant so much to me its untrue.
But i guess it's never the right place or time is it?

i miss you so much. i can’t stop thinking about you. when i’m alone and i think of you my throat gets tight and i can’t breathe. i know even when i’m old and married i’ll still remember what we had.

there were endless butterflies everytime i saw you, now i realise it was more of a warning than an invitation

This is the colour that i think of you as: pretty, calm, cool and forgiving. If she wasn't with you i think that i would have had a chance with you. i've always had a soft spot for you since junior school, to be honest i think that you still have a soft spot for me. if she wasn't here we may have been together. if you asked me out i would say yes in a second without a doubt. I think that i may still love you a little bit xxx

I miss you so much!this is why I hate love! I fell out of love, you left and just like that I loved you again:(

As much as we are over and in our new relationships I don't think you know how much you permenantly scared my heart and the way I look at love.

maybe it's time to let go. i think now seems about right. i don't know if I'm holding onto you or the person of you that I've made up in my head. speak soon xx

I never realised you cared until it was too late. We were younger and now we’ve grown and I understand, which only makes me want you more. It hurts when I hear about your relationships because I know no matter how many times we make eye contact you will never care for me like you used to. I wish I could talk to you and tell you how I feel but what’s the point when it’s the idea of you that I like. I don’t know you anymore.

i think i’m in love with you. you’re my bestfriend but i absolutely love you. idk how to tell u but ever since i met u i knew u were the one, i love you so much sam?

you were my first love. i wish things didn't end the way they did. i wish we didn't act like we hated each other in the end. you'll always hold a special place in my heart, you'll be the person i tell my kids about.

i didn't want to have to write about you like this. i just feel so broken and i feel like i can never do anything right. maybe it's just me overthinking. i just hate that i always feel the need to defend you. im starting to think my mom may be right. you don't know how much this is breaking me to say. i still love you so much everything just hurts a lot right now.

I've never connected to anyone as quickly as I connected with you. You were perfect in every way... until the end. I deserved better and you knew it. I don't know if I ever loved you but I definitely thought I could. You had so many oppertunities but you led me on by just being you, it wasn't deliberate but you did. You are a nice person and I genuinely don't hate you because I don't think this was deliberate but it was immature and stupid. Goodbye Sam. I'll miss u :(

how long is this going to remain unspoken? idk. i kinda like it. at least then i can keep daydreaming about what might be.

You were and still are my human but the toxicity has become too much, it's literally eating me alive... yet I cant move on

I really thought we would be together. Why did you have to do that? Even though it hurts, I can't stop thinking about you.

i know i pretend i've forgotten what we had, but the love i have for you is beyond what id ever be able to say.

yesterday i had this text prepared and ready to send to you. i'm glad i didn't but i wish i had because you should know that i would do this all over again just for two more weeks of unbridled happiness and content.

It’s been a while since I wrote one of these but I just wanted to let you know that spanish, french and maths are my favourite subjects because I get to talk or even just see you

why couldn’t you love me? i tried so hard and she didn’t, but you loved her unconditionally. what’s wrong with me?

I never thanked you for loving me even when I didn't love you. It made me believe that I was enough. I wish I could have chosen you then because I know that I would choose you now.

We were in class and you sent me that text, nothing big but just a little joke but we couldn't stop laughing. We made eye contact over the zoom and I couldn't stop smiling. I don't think you realize how much, even the little things mean to me.

why did you kill yourself? i'm sorry. i didn't mean it when I said I didn't wanna see you again. i live with it every day. rest easy, I love you

when i first met you i mistook you for my sister but youre actually so fun and lively; btw we all love you so if you think that we are annoyed of you- we aren't :) enjoy your break

love is so powerful isn't it. a feeling where for a second you forget about yourself and you're enslaved into an endless suffocation of temporary happiness. unable to breathe. where nothing else makes sense and yet it doesn't matter because when its just you and me i never needed anything else. i just knew it was you and me. always us.

how could i possibly get mad at her for falling in love with you as if i didnt do the exact same thing.

this colour reminds me of you. it reminds me of the time you first said i love you to me. it was Christmas. i know blue doesn't usually represent Christmas but it does to me.

you saved my life. i dont know where i would be without you and i pray that we can raise a family together one day