Unsent messages to RYAN

You know sometimes I think about you because you were the first person who I thought felt butterflies about me as I did you.

i liked you since 4th grade. i never told u bc i didn’t want to admitted. now we’re all grown up going are different ways.

so many people used to tell me about the way you would look at me, what happened to that? i miss that

It’s nearly been a year since you broke up with me. I wish you didn’t give up on us, I’m sorry I didn’t give you my all.
You broke me.
I don’t want anyone else but you. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough. I tried my best to make you happy, I hope you know that. I would take you back in a heartbeat if I could. I cry every night as I miss you so much.
I’ll always love and care for you

You’ve hurt me and I don’t want to forgive you but my love for you is so much more stronger and I hate myself because of it I let you treat me badly but I’ll always love you

I didn't know who I was without you. When you walked away from me it felt like a piece of me went with you and I never got it back. Sometimes I miss you but most days I wish I could never think about you again.

Thx for making me believe in you that you actually cared about me but you really only wanted me for my body thx for making me think all guys are like you and will just use me for my body thx for making me think I will never be good enough for you, also thank you for making cry myself to sleep every night bc I wasn’t good enough for you to tell your friends about us. You are the reason I cut twice in less than one day and the reason I am numb and have no feelings. This is all bc I snapped you and started to like you in 7th grade. I don’t know what would you think of me know but I still kinda like you like a lot but ik I have to move on bc you are moving on. I just wish I was good enough for you and I wish I was the girl you told your friends about but I am not and that’s fine.

i write to you every night. how i wish i could send it all to you. i miss you. i hope you're doing okay.

im trying to get over you, I really am. But things between us will never be the same. Like I will never be able to look at you without thinking about us. I'll never forget how much I cared about you. I'll never be able to forget how I let everyone down for you. I'll never be able to fully move on from you. I will always have a place in my heart for you. Ill admit I miss the feeling of you being there, I miss you calling me, I miss our jokes. But I'm gonna learn how to cope with it, have fun with her

I spent three months clinging onto hope you would attach even one string to me, only to go back to strangers.

i love you, and i always will have a special place in my heart for you. you were my first love and my everything at one point. but im too scared to say this to you. i think this is the right person wrong time. i love you but i think this is the wrong person.. i dont know how to tell you this.

im finally talking to someone that's worth a shot but last night i dreamt of u and im back to square one. idk what to do. i think i miss u.

god, every single time im talking to someone new all i can do is think ab u. its so wrong and idk what it is ab u but im trying to move on. i just cant get u out of my head.

i fucking hate you.i hate you so much.you ruined me.i wish i could see you again so i could push you and tell you this in person.you ruined my life.i hate you so much.and i hate how ill never stop loving you, deep down.

i miss u... u got me through sm. u hurt me too but i wouldnt take it back. i was so genuimely happy. and that was the first time in a long time. it took me a month before i could go into the city bc everything i saw reminded me of you. you were everywhere. slowly thats faded but i think you took a part of me when you left. i hope you take care of it

thanks for being there when my own friends weren’t there. u were one of the few people who actually cared abt me on my birthday. thankyousomuch esp when u help me with tests, also ur not my first love but ur the best ? also if u somehow read this, text me

I love the way you play with my hair and look at me as if I was an angel. When I’m in your arms I feel so protected and loved. I want to kiss you so bad and let you know how much I love you.

You are my first love and my only. When you say my name it still gives me butterflies. I know Im don't tell you these things but I truly mean what I'm saying now, i love you

I really really wish you would just tell me how you feel, I keep getting mixed signals and you know I can’t speak my mind.

Hey, I know we will never become an actual couple, but I cherish our friendship so dearly and I miss you so much! But like, if you went in for a kiss I would not say no ;)

I was so dumb for thinking that you had the capacity of understanding my feelings, you misinterpreted them for weakness and naivety. I was more then just a 9th grader and we both knew it, but yet, you claimed you knew I liked you? Didn’t you know that I acted like that with all of my guy friends? I was so excited to have a guy friend, I was excited to be your friend. Because people like you never associate with people like me, but am I really just a game to you? Sorry, I meant was I really? And I know i do deserve better but I can’t help feeling, do you even know how much better I deserve? Or do you just assume I deserve better because you thought the only thing I wanted from you was a relationship? even our friendship was one sided because of your indulgence in pretending I was a nuisance to you. Every day, I would walk into that class and I would have the worst time, I hated that school but I wanted to make you laugh, to make you smile. It was my mission every single morning. I wanted to make you smile because you looked so plainly boring. You don’t even realize the friend you missed out on, Ryan. I wish you nothing but the best. And you really do deserve better too. I hope our paths cross again someday. Because I know anyone would be honored to have the Ryan F******e* in their life.

sometimes I look back at the things we did as friends, now I realize that those same things are the reason I fell in love with you.

You were the first to make me feel special, but go ahead and make the others feel special as well. Our time was short and well spent but I’m glad you were there for me, take care and thank you. I love you very much.

you probably thought i was boring, i was tired. i wanted to say something but i thought i would mess it up, im bad with words, i want to re do that night

i really thought it was going to be something special. I felt safe in your arms... ill never feel that anymore

Fuck you for thinking you could just screw me over like that. have fun with her. I hope you're happy.

Dear Ryan, I don’t even know where to start. You and I have been best friends for years. It all started in 6th grade, when we were the oddest ones in our little group chat. I remember we liked eachother but you were too scared to ask me out. Yeah then I kinda tried to and the next morning you were very uncomfortable :) a month or two later I tried again because you still wouldn’t. We dated for a year, it was funny because we had no idea what the future would be. I broke up with you a week after our 1 year oops. We didn’t talk the rest of the year and it honestly made me sad. In 8th grade we became best friends again. I liked you a couple times and then found out you like others girls and I hated myself for months. Then we both got into very awkward bad relationships around the same time. Later in the summer after 8th grade we both ended them and became closer. I remember the day my old best friend sent me a screenshot of her texting you. She asked if you liked me, you sent a bitmoji shrugging. I had realized I had feelings for you and a couple weeks after that I told you and I was the happiest I had ever been. The best time of my life was with you, because I was with my best friend, the only person who truly got me. You wouldn’t ask me out though, so I started overthinking you didn’t like me. I remember I asked you to come over my house and you just decided to ignore me the whole day :( I knew something was wrong, and the next night I was hanging with my friends and I texted you asking if you were losing feelings. You never answered that question, but wrote a long paragraph how amazing I was and good enough but you just weren’t ready for a relationship. After that, I had a horrible sadness. I felt so weak and not good enough. You would still act like you liked me but flirted with my friends, which would cause drama. You started becoming mean and I would be mean back and I had enough so I told you I needed a break from our friendship. It was hard I’ll admit it, not talking to the person I tell everything to. I would see you in the halls and you looked sad. Around 2 months later, I had told you I was ready to be friends again. We became closer and my feelings for you grew, well they never really went away. I was still sad though because I just kept thinking you would never like me again. That wasn’t until the summer going into sophomore year. I found out you liked me. It was an amazing feeling. I found out from a friend but you later on told me you liked me and that you were ready for a relationship. You were so sweet to me but things didn’t feel right. It felt like we were just friends. I could tell there was something wrong with you. I started overthinking that I was doing something wrong and grew into a depression. You were the only person that truly made me feel happy though. You would always cheer me up. You’re one of the only people I can be my true self around. I noticed you started getting weird. I texted you asking if you would tell me if there’s something wrong. You said that you felt you made me really sad (I was very sad and still am) and I reassured you saying that wasn’t the case even though it kind of was. You sent another paragraph saying that apparently I’ve changed, and I’m not the same person I was 2 months ago. I felt horrible, like thinking I’ve become a horrible person. I had no idea I’d change, but I guess I could see how. Because of how sad I was, I was becoming more quiet and less crazy than I am. I realized you like me for me and truly want me to be happy but you do not think you can give that to me. You said I deserved better and I felt horrible, like I did something wrong. You said it was best to end things so we could both become happier. Although I hated you saying that, you were 100% right. It was for the best. But it sucks because I hate losing my best friend. I hate change, and losing the person you tell everything is hard. So here I am now, only a couple days after everything ended. I’m doing okay, but overthinking a ton. My sadness is getting worse and my best friend told me that I have changed and she wants the old me back. I’m struggling but I am trying to do that. I just wish I could have advice because I’m going through a lot and usually I would go to you for this but I can’t anymore. I’m sorry if I had hurt you in anyway, I wish you the best. Hopefully we can reconnect in the future and gain back our bond like last time. You are amazing. Love, me.

hey its me again. this is the third message I've sent in the last 10 minutes because I keep thinking of more things to say to you. I'm sure you loved me at one point, maybe. But you never could figure out how to love me right with out hurting me 10x more. It's always been her and it will always be her. I'm not upset about that. I was at first, but if she's what makes you happy, then I hope you don't destroy her like you did to me. I know I caused you problems, I'm not ignorant to that fact. But you seem to be doing so much better. I however, still get intense panic attacks because of you. I can't even sleep because all I do is dream of you and when I wake up, I have to deal with the pain all over again. You knew how much I was struggling, and you made it worse on purpose, because you wanted me to hurt. And for that I will never forgive you. I'm not even sure if I love you anymore. and that's the worst feeling because since my freshman year i would say that you and I are meant to be, that you were my soulmate. But sometimes, soulmates aren't meant to be and they end up doing more harm than good. Please please get help. You need it. because you not getting help led me to needing more help because of the shit you put me through.
from, a loser who was once yours

I wish you were better. I wish that you weren't toxic. I wish I could get a hand on my disorders so I could've loved you better. I prayed and prayed to God to save you and to save me so we could be together endlessly, but He didn't answer me. And I think that's for the best. I don't want you in my life anymore. You did the one thing I begged you not to do and you did it on purpose to hurt me. You intentionally hurt me. While everything I have done since the day I met you was to make you happy, whether that be with me or... her. I gave up everything, I killed myself so you guys could be happy, and you still try to drag me down and hurt me.

I miss you so much, even though we were never good for eachother, you made me so happy and I would never trade it for the world. If you were to text me one day and say that you want me back, I would take you back in a heartbeat. I still get butterflies when we randomly talk every 3 months. Thank you for all the laughter, the smiles, the love, but most importantly, thank you for teaching me to be strong and love myself with or without you.

Hey dude. Why you? Out of everyone. Why do I choose you? You give me the least attention, but somehow I love you more than myself.

Although we never dated, and I'm pretty sure you never even liked me, you were my first love. I'll never know why, but you were. And you broke my heart. Screw you.

I told you we would find our way back to each other if we were meant to be, so far we haven’t. I’m still waiting

I love you so much and i've never felt this way about anyone ever in my life. I am truly in love with you.

Part of me hates myself for loving you so much because it is killing slowly and i feel like you don’t love me anymore even though you say you do.

You are my soulmate. And i know you might be thinking we are to young to know, but we arent and I know you're the one. now soulmates don't always end up together but I know when I talk to you even though its been some time I can't ever get over you I think of you every day and I try to talk to other guys but I always think what he is thinking. you wrote me paragraphs almost all the time and I still have them all saved bc I loved you too much to lose them and who knew that all it took was your friends telling you that I wasn't good at all but you also told me all your friends were jerks and you couldn't find someone to talk to until you talked to me and I hope one day you see this love you more than you know

i just wish we could try again. i wanted to dance in the rain with you. i look stupid for caring this much about you. i’ll always love you.

It's sad to think you let people we didn't care about ruin our relationship. What we had was something irreplaceable :(

hi i really miss u. not as a crush, i just miss u as a friend. i kinda need advice from u sometimes yk?

It’s been 2 years, we’re in hs now. I still miss you. I remember the days when we were happy together like it were yesterday. I still somehow manage to give myself a sense of false hope we’ll be with each other again. Anyway... I still love you.

kinda pissed you chose her over me but its okay, because if you ever needed me i would still be there for you

Hey stupid. I actually really like you if you were wondering and even though we were 13 I would give you the world and I still miss you every day. Whenever I would look at you and you would look back at me I would fall even more head over heels. Love you.

i would watch you everyday from afar, i was stupid i know, but you were kind and sweet and you reminded me of clear skies and cool winds, i still love you

you and I have always connected in such a pure way. Before anything happened between you and I we had such an intense connection but now that it has its even stronger. I can't stay away. I love you

Hey. I know you never felt the same, but I don’t think I’ll ever let go. I’m trying to “live a little” but idk if it’s working.

fuck you i fucking hate that i still want to see you out in public and that you smile at me or that in school you will look at me i fucking hate that i still want us to meet agian you are the one thing that hasnt come back why??? plz i havent fallen in love since you i cant really like even like anyone else maybe its becasue im picky or im still in love with you. I hope one day you realize im not sure what but you just get a gut feeling that i tried i did i reached out after everything and you made it a joke but be safe ok i see the girls you hang with now i hope you are having fun but i every time i hear the word i love you i think about that moment. I hope maybe when we are older we can meet again but who knows. I still love you

i wonder if all our 4am convos were genuine lol i really miss you and just know i still think about you

I miss you. I don't love you anymore but I miss you and I wish our friendship didn't have to end but I know it was for the best even though it hurts me every single day. Maybe one day our paths can cross again.

I don't know if my feelings for you ruined our friendship. or if it was because of my mental health, but you promised you would never leave and you did. You left me for claudia and sarah and nothing you have done has ever hurt me more. I needed you so many times but you never came back. I'm sorry that I was too much for you. But you will always be one of my best friends even though it's wrong. I miss you and I hope at some point you can come back to me.

It always comes back to you Ryan. I love and miss you. I really hope we meet in another life because in this one you broke me to much