Unsent Messages

Dear Ryan, I don’t even know where to start. You and I have been best friends for years. It all started in 6th grade, when we were the oddest ones in our little group chat. I remember we liked eachother but you were too scared to ask me out. Yeah then I kinda tried to and the next morning you were very uncomfortable :) a month or two later I tried again because you still wouldn’t. We dated for a year, it was funny because we had no idea what the future would be. I broke up with you a week after our 1 year oops. We didn’t talk the rest of the year and it honestly made me sad. In 8th grade we became best friends again. I liked you a couple times and then found out you like others girls and I hated myself for months. Then we both got into very awkward bad relationships around the same time. Later in the summer after 8th grade we both ended them and became closer. I remember the day my old best friend sent me a screenshot of her texting you. She asked if you liked me, you sent a bitmoji shrugging. I had realized I had feelings for you and a couple weeks after that I told you and I was the happiest I had ever been. The best time of my life was with you, because I was with my best friend, the only person who truly got me. You wouldn’t ask me out though, so I started overthinking you didn’t like me. I remember I asked you to come over my house and you just decided to ignore me the whole day :( I knew something was wrong, and the next night I was hanging with my friends and I texted you asking if you were losing feelings. You never answered that question, but wrote a long paragraph how amazing I was and good enough but you just weren’t ready for a relationship. After that, I had a horrible sadness. I felt so weak and not good enough. You would still act like you liked me but flirted with my friends, which would cause drama. You started becoming mean and I would be mean back and I had enough so I told you I needed a break from our friendship. It was hard I’ll admit it, not talking to the person I tell everything to. I would see you in the halls and you looked sad. Around 2 months later, I had told you I was ready to be friends again. We became closer and my feelings for you grew, well they never really went away. I was still sad though because I just kept thinking you would never like me again. That wasn’t until the summer going into sophomore year. I found out you liked me. It was an amazing feeling. I found out from a friend but you later on told me you liked me and that you were ready for a relationship. You were so sweet to me but things didn’t feel right. It felt like we were just friends. I could tell there was something wrong with you. I started overthinking that I was doing something wrong and grew into a depression. You were the only person that truly made me feel happy though. You would always cheer me up. You’re one of the only people I can be my true self around. I noticed you started getting weird. I texted you asking if you would tell me if there’s something wrong. You said that you felt you made me really sad (I was very sad and still am) and I reassured you saying that wasn’t the case even though it kind of was. You sent another paragraph saying that apparently I’ve changed, and I’m not the same person I was 2 months ago. I felt horrible, like thinking I’ve become a horrible person. I had no idea I’d change, but I guess I could see how. Because of how sad I was, I was becoming more quiet and less crazy than I am. I realized you like me for me and truly want me to be happy but you do not think you can give that to me. You said I deserved better and I felt horrible, like I did something wrong. You said it was best to end things so we could both become happier. Although I hated you saying that, you were 100% right. It was for the best. But it sucks because I hate losing my best friend. I hate change, and losing the person you tell everything is hard. So here I am now, only a couple days after everything ended. I’m doing okay, but overthinking a ton. My sadness is getting worse and my best friend told me that I have changed and she wants the old me back. I’m struggling but I am trying to do that. I just wish I could have advice because I’m going through a lot and usually I would go to you for this but I can’t anymore. I’m sorry if I had hurt you in anyway, I wish you the best. Hopefully we can reconnect in the future and gain back our bond like last time. You are amazing. Love, me.