Unsent messages to THOMAS

All I ever wanted from you was a slightest bit of interest, but I suppose it was too much to ask for.

I'm sorry that I can't express my emotions to you the way that I want to its so annoying, I want to be able to tell you when I'm sad or when I'm happy or when something you said upset me but I just can't cause in my head as soon as I tell you something upset me then you'll think it's dumb that I'm upset or I'm being dramatic but then when I don't tell you how I feel then you just think I don't care but I do, I do care even if you don't think I do I promise you that every time you thought I didn't care, I did, I just didn't say anything but I cried every single time you thought I just didn't care.

I want to believe you like me cause well you said you do but in my head, I can't help but think what if you're lying, what if you think I'm annoying. Do you say you like me yet you won't date me? being honest just knowing that you like me isn't enough I want to be your girlfriend, I want to be able to say that you're my boyfriend...

I know it meant nothing at the time but now every spring, every bumper car and rollercoaster, every warm summer night and packed train ride and nirvana t-shirt, reminds me of you and I wonder if you’re reminded of me too

No one has hurt me the way you have. the second time we were together for a fraction of the time, but it was even worst than when you left the first time. My friends tell me it was the nostalgia that brought us back together, but I thought (and wish) you love(d) me the way I love(d) you. You know I would have done anything for you, and all you did for me was leave. We had time, but you gave us an expiration date 8 months early. I still think you used sweden as an excuse to leave. I also know you told S.E. you would reconsider going for her and that fucking broke me. Some part of me wants you to read this and reach out and the other part just knows that you'll leave again. I always wanted what was best for you, but did you ever consider me?

It said to «type your first love’s name», but I truly believe that you will be the last.
Nothing can compare to our connection, it is like we were made for each other.
(Cliché I know, but I really mean it)
We have known eachother for years, been on and off, but every time we reconnect it’s just as it always have been. I don’t understand but we always somehow come back to each other.
«After» you, I think I have lost the ability to fall in love again. I have tried to be with other people , but I find myself looking for you in them.
There is nobody that makes me feel like you do. There is nobody that makes me smile like you do.
There is nobody like you.
As I am writing this I realize I am missing a piece of me, you.

thomas i still think about you. i cant get over you and it hurts. i miss you so much. i still cry over you. i wish i hadn’t fucked everything up. i love you. so so so much. please come back to me.

you’ve made me very happy, and it’s gonna hurt so much when you’re gone..and when she takes you back from me...

i can’t stop thinking about you. you’re on my mind 24/7. i wish we could go back. i wish i never said those things. saying those things are one of my biggest regrets in life.

i can’t stop thinking about you. you’re on my mind 24/7. i wish we could go back. i wish i never said those things. saying those things are one of my biggest regrets in life.

i love our friendship. ur the best. u should move closer. ty and ily. ps u should like my comments on ur post.

How could you look at me in the eyes and say you’d never cheat when you did, hours prior.. I hate you.

idk i wasnt in love with u but i thought we were pretty good friends but ig not cuz it was that easy to stop talking to me like ok...but i still care abt u and i try to keep the friendship going even tho i think that u find me rly annoying but u still talk to me cuz u feel bad for me...yeah i cried for months bc of that but ig its not that big of a deal.ly bye

i love you so much, you hurt me tho, yes we are together and i’m the happiest i’ve ever been, but i still can’t ever forget, the pain i felt.

I love you. I wish I were brave enough to tell you, but I'm too scared of ruining this beautiful friendship that we have. Just friends is enough. It has to be. I can't risk losing someone like you just because I couldn't keep my feelings to myself.

I still think about you a lot even though there's no reason to. I don't want you anymore but I wish you could want me like I wanted you. It weren't worth all the energy. Happy new year, here's to getting over it for good.

Thanks. Thanks for not giving a single f*ck about my feelings. You made me realize I liked women and barely anyone at all. So, thanks for treating me like garbage. Also, stop saying the N-word. It’s not cute and doesn’t make you tough.

I thought I liked you and that everything was going fine but your friends would joke about my weight and you didn’t defend me. You laughed with them and that was my biggest insecurity. You kept pressuring me to send things that I didn’t want to send. You got mad when I wouldn’t reply. I finally started to think a bit and realized that it wasn’t what I wanted. And you don’t get a second chance for that. I have learned from this.

Your the first guy that had made me feel loved and special. When I first met you, you had me smiling so hard and made me blush a lot. You loved it when I smiled and always were pretty good at putting smiles on my face. Ever since I met you I never could find anyone that was like you, you were special to me but didn’t know it. Every night I cry myself to sleep thinking we’re I went wrong that led you to leave me. I still love you and always will.

Fuiste la primera persona que me dio felicidad que me dio sonrisas y aunque vos no lo sepas todavia me duele que no podamos estar juntos

i don’t know u personally, but i have been lucky enough to get to know of you. to get to speak to you a few times. you’re just something else. something so addicting. ur presence is exhilarating and who you are is so compelling. u are truly such a gift to this earth. people who are close with you, they’re truly lucky and they probably don’t realize how bad i want to be one of them.

You weren’t special. I didn’t love you. You weren’t mine to love anyway at the time. I just had a raging taste for forbidden fruit. Although, that hunger is long gone after I took off my rose-colored glasses, and the taste in my mouth turned bitter and made my eyes water. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

You’ll always have a piece of me take care of it I truly love you and wish you the best you’ve caused me my happiest moments and my worst i’m really happy i met you i wouldn’t be the same but then again sometimes i wish i’d never met you.

writing another one bc i can't get my mind off you. why did you fucking leave me? i don't understand i know i hurt you but you have alway hurt me, making me chase after you. I texted you a whole paragraph asking if we could start over and you fucking posted it. you humiliated me. your the reason i don't want to open up to people in fear they leave me. fuck you. i hate you so much. i can't bear the fact that your not in my life anymore so i hate you. i have to. you don't care obviously i was a pawn to your game. I flipped you off the other day because i had to convince you that i hated you. i don't want you to know i miss you. well the person i used to know. who was so kind to me and always there. i wasted so much fucking time on you. for what? for me to get hurt and hoping for every chance for you to text me? god i wanted to text you so badly on your birthday or asking how you were. it hurts me so fucking much and it shouldn't. so in the small chance you see this, i still care. i don't think i'll ever stop. you were my fucking best friend and now your just a stranger. i hope your happy with what you did. i found a new group of friends. they make me really happy. in case you wanted to know im doing good. but ill become weak at the thought of you and come crumbling down. but i have to stop. im done with you constantly ruining me even if you arent my friend anymore. so this is my last message to you. i hope you see this but if you don't then it feels good to let it out. i cried a bit when i wrote this but im going to be okay. thank you for the memories and the experiences. i wish you the best. goodbye t

i would do anything to start over, to know if you still care. i know its dumb to still think abt you 8 months later but i can't help it. my heart leaps every time my phone buzzes hoping its you. its pointless anyways. maybe we were supposed to end like that. not knowing each others last words. ill always be here you know.

"im sure we are taller in another dimension" that I truly believe, thank you for showing me what feeling loved felt like.

I made one of these a while ago and he added me back yesterday, why? everything is coming back. fuck.

i know it’s dumb but i still miss you. i wish things could’ve worked out differently for us. and i know i should listen to my friends and move on but i can’t. i don’t know why it’s so hard to get over you. everything just felt so much easier when you were here. i know you didn’t mean to hurt me so many times, but i can’t keep letting you do what you’ve always done to me. i’m tired of waiting around for you only for you to get bored of me and ignore me for someone else. just like you always do. i’m tired of living my life for you but i can’t get you out of my head. maybe someday we’ll work something out but for now i just hope you’re okay. i know you’ll be back soon.

our personalities clashed too much, you were too full of yourself and i was left desperately trying to make a mark in your life. you didn’t really care for me, and if you did, you were real shit at showing it. i wish i never did those things with you, it was so rushed, but i guess that’s the epitome of a high school relationship. i don’t miss you.

Sometimes I think you might be thinking just like me, my brain vessel. I wish you would text me first. I miss you way too often.

Fuiste mi primer amor, hubo otras personas pero siempre vuelvo a ti, solo necesito una señal para saber si olvidarte o luchar por ti.

im finally over u now. im not mad at you anymore. when i think about you i smile at the good stuff. i did really love you tho.

I wish you had loved me the way I loved you. My whole entire day was devoted to thinking about you. Not one day went by with you not crossing my mind. I hope you're doing well right now, I asked you to talk to me today and you will probably blow it off. You tend to do that. Don't make promises you cannot keep. It hurts the heart and the brain.

this Friday it’ll be a year since we’ve seen each other. so i guess this is me telling you that i had feelings for you. I still think about you sometimes, i think that maybe you liked me back but other days i think it was all in my head or maybe you were just being friendly. Either way i miss you despite the feelings, you were fun to talk to and be around. Hope you’re doing well

i kissed another guy wearing the necklace you threatened me over. it felt good. you won't know but i will.

I remember the first night we reconnected after matching on bumble. We stayed up all night talking about our family and friends we had and memories from high school. I think that was the moment when I realized I wanted something real with you & it lasted a couple months, guess you didn’t feel the same.

Baby you are miserable we both are. You seem confused so let me make your mind up for you: You don’t love us. You aren’t happy with us. And you never will be. You don’t want to be with me. You want someone else.

its been a while since our last hug, the last time i felt safe. i miss how i felt when you would hold me tight everyday while we layed in bed together, i remember how i safe i felt each time you gave me a hug, exsoessily at the end of my street, where you would hug me goodbye after walking me home from yours, i have to walk on the other side of the street now bc i cannot deal with the heart break. thank you my love. i know my sweet boy is still somewhere in there

Idk what's going on between us, maar ik weet wel dat je veel te goed voor me bent en je veel beter verdient dan ik

I like you so so much, but you're too good for me & I know that's gonna be a problem later :(
You're just too sweet for me and I never had someone that was good for me and I don't know how to handle it.

i worry about you. i still think about the time you called me crying when you wanted to kill yourself and i hate that we live in different states. i'll always want you to be okay. and yet i feel so poisonous to you because i'll never let this actually happen, i'm incapable and i'm damaged. i just hope you're still surrounded by people who love you even if i'm not one of them anymore.

you broke me and i cant admit it. i trusted you with my body and you acted like it was nothing. i am in love with the idea i have of you in my head.

don’t flatter yourself. i was just trying to be nice. i hear you treat her badly but that’s none of my business.

yea you made me wait months and put me thru a ton of shit but it was worth it i guess - a :)
also i chose olive bc it’s the color of your favorite cargo pants

you were horrible yet so good to me. i miss you and think about you everyday. i’m sorry for being so boring

I so badly wished things would work out between us, I wish it more than anything. But I gave you too many chances, and now I have to try and move on. I wonder if it’s easier for you.

this is gonna be really long and you'll never probably read this but it's everything or some of everything that I've ever wanted to tell you. um so i'm pretty sure i loved you. and that was NOT supposed to happen at all but we don't really talk anymore and that hurts. like a lot. and i cant talk to u so im writing this bs. when i first met you at that party, you said you wanted to kiss me. i thought it was cute. and then we ft a lil and talked a lil. i did really like you. you were always super sweet to me and i admired that. then we kinda stopped talking and went our own ways. a part of me will always regret that but at the time i didn't know u very well and didn't think u cared that much. every now and then i did think about you, and just missed being friends. we talked here and then which was nice. i remember you stood up for me once when my bf was being a dick. i replayed that moment a lot bc no one ever did that. oh and when we were both in trouble and snuck out. for some reason, i really liked that night. then u got a gf and i was honestly really happy for u. a few months later u told me what happened with my bf. it hurt a lot but you don't know how much I appreciated you telling me that. that night everyone but you lied to my face. that's when I knew i really trusted you. which trust is really hard for me. but it felt okay with you. i felt really bad because u were getting shit for it so i tried to fix it so i talked to a few of them, mainly that one person. a few months later i was really really struggling in my relationship and i felt so trapped. so i asked u for advice. again you were so so nice to me and gave me that feeling that everything would be okay. u also had just gotten out of a relationship and i haven't ever seen you that upset. so we just talked and i tried to help as much as i could with her because it was making you so upset. im also sorry that things did not work out between you two. i know you really loved her. overtime we became closer friends and it was honestly really good. you helped me so much. i feel like i never told you enough. you helped me laugh and stay positive through some of my worst times. we started to hang out more and I have absolutely nothing bad to say about it. it felt refreshing. as time went on i think i developed feelings for you. but it was weird. i usually don't and i really was not planning on it that fast. maybe it was feelings from 10 months ago that i felt, even if those were for a short period of time. the day when we almost got fkn robbed (lol), was a huge ass mix of emotions. i cried after that, just because of a lot of things, and u just held me and told me everything would be okay. and i believed it for a while. u probably don't remember this because we were drunk but later that night we laid in the grass of some park and just watched the stars. it just felt so safe. another night you held my hand while you walked me to my bus in the middle of the night and made sure i got there safe. u asked to kiss me but i was scared. i felt like it was all too soon and maybe it was just me trying to get over my ex so i didn't even though a part of me did want to. we continued to talk and ft and i just remember being really happy and laughing a lot. i remember the first time we kissed. it was perfect. it felt right, despite me denying it. then we sat on the sidewalk and talked. i opened up to u and cried again. it wasn't that u made me feel upset but it was that comfort you brought that i never really felt before. i genuinely felt safe and okay. after that, we would hang out and text but one day we just stopped seeing eachother. you started hanging out with your friends which was okay but i could tell sometimes you really weren't doing good. im sorry that i couldn't help you, i want you to know i really tried. and i really fucking cared no matter how hard i try to stop. and then we had a fight ish which sucked. i didn't mean to be harsh but somethings did really hurt. and now we barely speak. and that is so hard on me because you were my best friend. i used to tell people you were the nicest person i had ever met and slowly you did become my favorite person. but you're not really you anymore. and i feel like something is going on but i don't know how to help anymore. and so now i'm giving u space bc i'm not quite sure what to do. you won't text me and maybe that's because i won't text first or because you really don't want to. i just miss you a lot, especially just as my best friend. you became a part of my daily routine and no matter how upset i was with you i always wanted to talk to you. but now its all just confusing so im letting it all go. im letting you go or trying to because maybe that's what's best for you i think. i just want you to know i love our memories together. even though they weren't a lot they were my favorite because it all felt like everything was going to be okay. i think i accidentally loved you. i didn't mean for it to happen and no matter how much i deny it, it's true. and i really don't care about anything anymore so im pouring my heart out because none of it matters in the end. thank you for everything.

Do you remember that time when we went to that one hill after school, sat there for hours and just talked about life. I kinda miss that and I just want to do that one more time before I can start a new chapter in my life. Yes! I know that you’re not in my life anymore, but I still want you to be part of this last piece in this chapter.

Sincerely,
Me

i cared for you so much. but the night you told me you loved me, you cheated. you never really loved me.

i'll never forget our endless talk and walks in newbury street while singing spanish songs out loud. Everything felt so perfect.