Unsent Messages

this is gonna be really long and you'll never probably read this but it's everything or some of everything that I've ever wanted to tell you. um so i'm pretty sure i loved you. and that was NOT supposed to happen at all but we don't really talk anymore and that hurts. like a lot. and i cant talk to u so im writing this bs. when i first met you at that party, you said you wanted to kiss me. i thought it was cute. and then we ft a lil and talked a lil. i did really like you. you were always super sweet to me and i admired that. then we kinda stopped talking and went our own ways. a part of me will always regret that but at the time i didn't know u very well and didn't think u cared that much. every now and then i did think about you, and just missed being friends. we talked here and then which was nice. i remember you stood up for me once when my bf was being a dick. i replayed that moment a lot bc no one ever did that. oh and when we were both in trouble and snuck out. for some reason, i really liked that night. then u got a gf and i was honestly really happy for u. a few months later u told me what happened with my bf. it hurt a lot but you don't know how much I appreciated you telling me that. that night everyone but you lied to my face. that's when I knew i really trusted you. which trust is really hard for me. but it felt okay with you. i felt really bad because u were getting shit for it so i tried to fix it so i talked to a few of them, mainly that one person. a few months later i was really really struggling in my relationship and i felt so trapped. so i asked u for advice. again you were so so nice to me and gave me that feeling that everything would be okay. u also had just gotten out of a relationship and i haven't ever seen you that upset. so we just talked and i tried to help as much as i could with her because it was making you so upset. im also sorry that things did not work out between you two. i know you really loved her. overtime we became closer friends and it was honestly really good. you helped me so much. i feel like i never told you enough. you helped me laugh and stay positive through some of my worst times. we started to hang out more and I have absolutely nothing bad to say about it. it felt refreshing. as time went on i think i developed feelings for you. but it was weird. i usually don't and i really was not planning on it that fast. maybe it was feelings from 10 months ago that i felt, even if those were for a short period of time. the day when we almost got fkn robbed (lol), was a huge ass mix of emotions. i cried after that, just because of a lot of things, and u just held me and told me everything would be okay. and i believed it for a while. u probably don't remember this because we were drunk but later that night we laid in the grass of some park and just watched the stars. it just felt so safe. another night you held my hand while you walked me to my bus in the middle of the night and made sure i got there safe. u asked to kiss me but i was scared. i felt like it was all too soon and maybe it was just me trying to get over my ex so i didn't even though a part of me did want to. we continued to talk and ft and i just remember being really happy and laughing a lot. i remember the first time we kissed. it was perfect. it felt right, despite me denying it. then we sat on the sidewalk and talked. i opened up to u and cried again. it wasn't that u made me feel upset but it was that comfort you brought that i never really felt before. i genuinely felt safe and okay. after that, we would hang out and text but one day we just stopped seeing eachother. you started hanging out with your friends which was okay but i could tell sometimes you really weren't doing good. im sorry that i couldn't help you, i want you to know i really tried. and i really fucking cared no matter how hard i try to stop. and then we had a fight ish which sucked. i didn't mean to be harsh but somethings did really hurt. and now we barely speak. and that is so hard on me because you were my best friend. i used to tell people you were the nicest person i had ever met and slowly you did become my favorite person. but you're not really you anymore. and i feel like something is going on but i don't know how to help anymore. and so now i'm giving u space bc i'm not quite sure what to do. you won't text me and maybe that's because i won't text first or because you really don't want to. i just miss you a lot, especially just as my best friend. you became a part of my daily routine and no matter how upset i was with you i always wanted to talk to you. but now its all just confusing so im letting it all go. im letting you go or trying to because maybe that's what's best for you i think. i just want you to know i love our memories together. even though they weren't a lot they were my favorite because it all felt like everything was going to be okay. i think i accidentally loved you. i didn't mean for it to happen and no matter how much i deny it, it's true. and i really don't care about anything anymore so im pouring my heart out because none of it matters in the end. thank you for everything.