Unsent messages to MATT

you're my best friend. you don't see me that way which hurts, but it's okay. you see me as an outlet. you can call me when you're upset and we'll sit in silence. or we'll talk, in the rare event that you want to. you're very private. you can tell me about what happened back in high school, or when you were 10. i understand you but above all else i validate you. i remind you that although you've burned a million people and they've burned you, there's still someone who cares. someone who dares to feel something. someone who tries to trust you. and so i took a trip to see you and we had sex in that family bathroom. i didn't want it to happen like that. kissing because you wanted me. you hands on my chest, my fingertips digging into your hips. i wanted to tell you how much you meant to me and i wanted you to say it back. i didn't want to argue or feel like an option or to have to try to convince myself that there's still something left. because what if there's not? your silence means something and you know it. i think you know that i know. so please, matt. if you love me, come clean. i think i've earned honesty by now.

I tried to keep things going but I could tell you were losing interest as the days went by, I could tell you were lying when you said you still had feelings, and I could definitely tell you started to love me less when “i love you” turned into “love you”. I’m not hurt by the fact you left me, I’m hurt by the fact that you had to lie to me. You made me look stupid, telling me all these lies to cover up that you lost feelings. It was honestly a selfish move, but it makes you happy, right? It was always about you, you never seemed to check up on how I was doing, you never tried to see what was going on. I hope we never speak again, if we do speak again, I’d like to hear some sort of apology.

I saw a ring that said sunshine the other day. I broke down in the middle of the mall. I can't drive by goldenrods and Cinemagic without crying. (I keep writing these bc I know I can't say this to you)

I still secretly hope you miss me and haven't moved on. I hope breaking up with me hurt you as much as it did me. I still love you and don't know if I will ever stop

You said you loved me right before you broke up with me. Was that to make it hurt more or was that you saying you never did love me?

I love you so much even though you broke my heart. Even though you did everything you said you wouldn't

This is my last message to you, I need to let this go truly. I just wanted to say thanks for loving me even for just a bit. You opened my eyes to a lot. Love always x

I am glad that each one follows their path and goals, but sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we were together

You won’t see this or know it was me, but I’m using this as evidence that I knew you were the special from the beginning

i used to be confused when my friends would stay with their boyfriends after they hurt them. i understand now. i can’t leave. i can’t live without you. you shattered my heart, lied to me for months and made me feel like i should apologize to you because YOU ARE A CHEATER. but i still can’t leave. it hurts so bad. you make me hurt so badly. but loosing you would hurt so much more. all of it was lies. i was naïve to think you were talking the truth. stupid. gullible. you aren’t mine. you never will be, i see that now. you can’t be mine. but i’m yours. i wish i wasn't. i wish that i could hate you. i’m so confused why i don’t. i should hate you for what you did but i can’t. you did the worst thing i could possibly image and yet i still love you. you are the only person i want to be with. the only person i want to talk to. i should hate you. part of me does. but i can’t imagine my life without you in it. i want to scream at you, hurt you the way you hurt me and make you watch me cry and vomit and have a panic attack over you so you can see exactly what you did. but i could never do that. i tried, i tried to yell at you but when you showed remorse... i caved. so fast. i started apologizing to you. i told you that if you needed space that i understand. now time is passing by and you still haven’t spoken to me. i need you. i need answers. but I DONT WANT TO HURT YOU SO I SHUT MY MOUTH. AFTER ALL OF THIS IM STILL PROTECTING YOUR STUPID NO GOOD LYING FEELINGS BUT I CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT YOU. all i want is for you to be happy. i don’t care what it costs me. i would give my life for your happiness. i hate you for what you did. but i hate myself so much more for letting it happen. i don’t get it. i don’t get why i’m like this. i don’t get how you did this. i don’t get how you lied for so long. i don’t know how you watched me cry to for about how much people have hurt me and promise that you wouldn’t do that to me just to... turn around and do it anyway. i wish i hated you. you don’t deserve me. but i deserve what you did to me.

you told me you loved me when we both know you didn't. i'm happy now but you need to leave me alone, it hurts when you pick me up and drop me whenever you feel like it. i've moved on, pls do the same.

You begged me not to leave. In the end you were the one who left. I tried to make it work and you gave up.

with you i felt home. i was comfortable, you were my person. the one person i thought of when i woke up and when i went to bed, the one person i wanted to share my life with. you told me that you loved me more than anything, that you couldn’t live without me. i guess that was all a lie.

The hold you have over me is devastating and you don’t even know it. The hold I have on you is nonexistent.

I wish I can say you're not worth it. The fact that you're fucking me up until this time makes me hate myself even more.

bro i had a crush on you for three years only for you to turn into an unironic country boy that supports trump and wears ugly ass camo, what a waste of my time

You did exactly what the fuck I told you not to do to me. I don’t care if i’m mean you fucking ruined relationships for me. Hope you have fun diddling kids for life.

You did exactly what the fuck I told you not to do to me. I don’t care if i’m mean you fucking ruined relationships for me. Hope you have fun diddling kids for life.

We could date but you think covid is a plan to kill you and you’re an antimasker.. an all around terrible person

I love you. When I said it I wasn’t joking. When you asked me if it was mutual when we decided to break up I lied. I cried every night that week, I got upset when you left. I would lie awake for hours thinking about what ifs. How it could have been if I haven’t of been so unstable. I liked you a lot and I felt things could have worked. I just couldn’t open up. I just couldn’t be myself. I wasn’t working on myself enough for you to see me. I feel like all you saw of me was just a mask of instability rather than the things I actually am. I love you and I miss what we could have been so much.

"I'm sure we're taller in another dimension, You say we're small and not worth the mention" Maybe in our next lifetime we can be happily together. I loved you since the 6th grade.

I have peace in my life knowing you're gone for good. I feel like myself again, not trying to be who you wanted me to be.

everything reminds me of you. there has not been a day when i don’t think about you. and i fucking hate it

I miss you, but I think if I keep trying to reach out you'll push me further away...and that would break my heart

i know i don’t mean much to you anymore. how? one day you were in love with me, the next you were looking for someone to replace me. i want to see you happy, but not with someone else other than me.

i really did love you. but in those last few months you showed me who you really were. please don’t talk to me ever again.

I found someone new, he doesn’t judge me and convict me like you did. It’s different when someone understands, I still wish you the best. x

i fucking hate that i love you so much. i never told you. but youre so toxic and i feel so good now. i just hate that i even like you in the first place. but i would take it all back in a heartbeat. i would just go through all of it i dont care. u put me through shit but i cant hate you for it. i cant even see anyone else the way i see u bc of it. hopefully we start over sometime .

I wish I hadn't spent so much energy on you while you gave me nothing, and I wish I had cried over you less.

I don´t know when i fell for you, but you literally live in my head rent free, but i´m bad at showing my feelings, I wanna have a teenage romance with you.

I will only ever want you for the rest of my life. I am forever jealous of the girl who changes you because she was able to do something I couldn't: make you stay.

We could've been amazing. I would have loved you so much. I would have made you feel something. But you never gave me the chance.

I have never wanted someone like I want you.
I have never done for another what I have done for you.
I continue to stay with you on your terms because it is the closest I can get to you and it terrifies me to think that one day even that minuscule connection will cease to exist.
In another life, we would end up together, for real.
But, nonetheless, I cry myself to sleep knowing that in this one, we are not meant to be.
I am hopelessly, dangerously, poisonously, infatuated by you, and that is the epitome of my painfully slow demise.
But, you were already aware of this, weren’t you?
Alas, that is what separates us as human beings.
The fact that I would never let myself hurt another the way you hurt me while you watch me crumble, comfortably lounging in the front row.
I would say I hope you change, but if you were to change, I would blame myself for not waiting for you long enough.
You have placed me in a position of self-destruction at the expense of your occasional pleasure.
But then again, which one of us is to blame for my collapse? After all, I allow it to happen.
So, I repeat this cycle of sabotage for another day, cruising through the hours, feeling the strongest physical pain I have felt in my lifetime: the feeling of losing yourself because you love someone else.
So, Matthew, I hope we meet again one day, and I hope I can look into your eyes without that longing feeling shocking my aching body.
So, Matthew, I hope you are just a lesson about what love shouldn’t be.
And Matthew, I hope I find someone who makes me so happy I don’t ever think of you.
And Mathew. I hope you remember me years from now as an amazing girl that could’ve changed your life.
Because, Matthew, you truly did miss out, whether you acknowledge it or not.

We are great friends. I can’t shake the feeling that there’s more meant for us. I wish I had the guts to tell you. I value our friendship way too much though. I wish we talked more.

I truly hope you find someone who loves you as much as I did. I hope they never let go, I hope it doesn’t hurt.. x

I learned that sexual coercion is actually a form of assault. Look it up. You should be familiar with it... you did it to me.

I liked you for years. It was pretty obvious and I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable during that time. I never got the confidence to tell you that I liked you. I wish I had so I could spend more time with you. That sounds weird but, you’re funny. I would know, I liked you for 4 years.

You were the first person I felt like could actually be "the one." I seriously did not expect it at all; how could I have known that I'd be meeting you right after getting into a relationship? How could I have known that I'd eventually fall for you? Back then, I kept thinking "if I knew all this, I never would have rushed into that relationship." But, oh well! Ya live and learn lol

sometimes I read the texts that I wrote when you were here and they hurt in that hole that you left when you left

I'm still foolishly holding onto the hope that this was just a case of right person wrong time. That I'll call you mine again one day.

to the next girl that that gets to love you i hope she realizes what a blessing it is to love you bc i would do anything to get it back.

I pray everyday you’ll forgive me for breaking your heart. I know you don’t but I hope you find someone who makes you happy. Love always

I want to let you go, but I can't. Please walk away so I have no option. I need you in my life but I'd be better off without you in it.

sometimes you get under my skin but, i know you have friendzoned me which hurt. i will always love you more than i friend

i think im falling in love with you but i dont want to rush things i dont want it to get bad again i cant lose you

I need to stop checking on here for a message from you. I just wish we could go back in time. I’m sorry I broke our promise. I’ll always love you, even if it was for a short while. Thanks for everything

you were the first person who had my heart and you didn't even know it. all she does is talk about you. it used to sting, but getting over you was the best thing i've ever done. i destroyed the pedestal you used to stand on.

Hey Matt,

So I’ve had these thoughts on my mind for sometime now and I feel like at this point I need to get them out my head and tell you how I truly feel about you. Matt, speaking with you these past few months has been nothing short of amazing. From vibing about our favourite singers to playing video games and having a laugh it’s honestly been so good to have your company. But because of all this it’s now led me further to developing feeling of love for you. I never thought things would get to that point but they have and it terrifies me. You are a unique, kind and caring lad and i’m so glad to have you in my life. Having the chance to talk with you whenever and just chill is something i’ll always cherish, it’s a shame we’ve still not had the chance to meet in person but I hope to someday. You mean so much to me you don’t even know yet. I’m glad you can console to me about your guy problems and other stuff but it also sucks knowing that from talking to me about other guys you don’t share the same feelings about me in return as the feelings I have for you. But if it means having any way of speaking to you then I don’t mind doing it. You deserve the best and nothing short of it, your laugh your accent and just everything about you is amazing. I love you to bits and always will do, I’ll always be by your side for you until you no longer need me to be.

everyday i keep hoping things would start to feel the same again between us but for everyday i wake up, things just keep on feeling more and more distant.

i know you don't know about this website and i'm glad you don't because if you knew who i was and immediately recognized my writing i'd feel so indescribable, i know you don't feel the same way i do but i couldn't help it. after being in a toxic relationship and being cheated on constantly over and over again and being told i was crazy even though you were friends with him you told him in front of me that you told me you cared about me and would put me first when i had my daily mental breakdown from all the depression, and that you would always be there for me, i could tell you anything i wanted to because i knew you wouldn't judge me but just see my feelings first and make me smile even when nobody else could something about you made me smile, even thinking about your words it made me feel ways i've never felt before. after being hurt by every guy i told you that i would kill myself and that i wouldn't ever possibly find someone that would love me and even though you were just my friend you were there to call me baby and say i love you and saying you care about me being okay and would not just double check if i were okay but made me promise because he knew i could never lie to his dumbass and if i weren't you'd go out of your way just to stay up till four am just talking to me even when we were both so tired until whatever time either of us felt better at without worrying about missing school because we always picked each other first. im sorry i had to ruin stuff with us because if we were actually a thing i would never let you go and i do hope you find someone that you feel the same way with that will do that with you. i loved our laughs and how we'd always joke around, i loved how you loved me and how i found you an actual decent guy. the little things you did asking me if im okay, telling me to stop crying on my worst days, being able to tell you i miss you, your lisp, the way you said i love you, the jokes, the promises, thats what made me fall in love with you and ill never forget the dark place you pulled me out of. you were my forever and my person. my lover and my best friend. something not a lot of people can find and even if you don't love me back i will always love you and im sorry, im sorry i picked up the wrong message from us and ruined it all. i love you. forever x.