Unsent messages to WILL

i’ll wait for you, but until then i will look for pieces of you in everyone i meet. i can still feel you holding me. i love you.

I loved you with everything and you still left.. but thank you for teaching me how to love myself and I know I don't need anyone.
So thanks for that (:
P.S. Hope she was worth it

Sometimes when I feel like I'm never going to get over you I like to read stories from other heartbroken people. They ended up losing the guy who was supposed to be "the one" too so maybe you weren't really the one even though I wanted you to be. I don't know. I saw you again today when I least expected it and it caught me off guard. I've been locked inside for so long I thought any dose of reality would make me feel a million things. Obviously it made me feel something otherwise I wouldn't be here again. It's just exhausting. You've forgotten all about me and I have thousands of things I want to say but they have nowhere to go. Anyway, I saw you today and I think it was a good thing. For the longest time you've existed just in a theory. He exists in a world that's millions of miles away. We're in the same town still and yet it still feels like we've never been further apart. I feel better now than I have. I still miss you. I still wish things were different but it was good for me to see that all this time you were right in front of my face and weren't far away at all. You've been right here this entire time. And we still never ended up together. Because we're not meant to be together. Because you don't love me and I can't make you love me. I know, I know- a little late for realizing but you were always smarter than me. I'm happy I saw you today. I'm happy that you're happy and alive and doing well and life for you has been better than ever than before. I'm not there yet but I think where I am is a place where I can see that our lives aren't connected anymore and feel those feelings and be okay with them. We aren't together. You aren't coming back. And if you had seen me too, you wouldn't have wanted it. Because you don't want me. And that's okay that you don't want me because the you now is a you that doesn't exist in our story anymore. I am still waiting for a you that lived and died in a five month window two years ago and that you has packed their bags and grown up and locked whatever we were deep down in your subconscious. Past you and current you have one thing in common. We were always so close to getting it right and yet missed each other every single time. I want to sign off with "I love you, Will" but I think maybe after a good year and a half of having my heart just be destroyed by you making it very clear you never loved me, maybe I can say that I loved you. I really did love you. And now I really can let you go. I think it's time for me to accept this and let it go. I'll still wonder and hope and think about you but I need to think about me because I can't waste my life over someone who probably hasn't thought about mine in months. Good luck and keep staying safe. I don't want to wish you bad things or love you or hate you or miss you or want you or think about you anymore. I just want to keep what we were locked up for a while. At least until I have something to replace those feelings with. Something that doesn't hurt me. Something that wants to stay.

I know you really love her now and I couldn't be more happy I just wish I could've held on to you longer

I can keep leaving you alone if you want but just know it’s not easy and I miss you so much. You don’t know how fast my heart was beating and how my stomach dropped when I saw you with another girl and I had to pretend it didn’t hurt when all I wanted was you. Please come back to me I miss you and would do things different this time

as i was trying to put you back together, you shattered me and i lost myself for so long. yet, i'll always come back to you.

Hey, I can't get you out of my head and it's killing me because we've never even met in person, I can't wait until corona is over

you showed me a type of love i’ve never known, and i’m forever thankful. music still hasn’t sounded the same without you. it’s been nine months and I still pray for you every night.

i wish you knew how hard i fell for you walking through that target, and how much you hurt me when you said goodbye.

though I only knew you through the screen, you meant a lot to me, I still listen to the playlist you made me

I wonder where we're both going to end up. Five, ten years from now. I have this picture in my head sometimes of where I imagine you'll go. I think you'll land in a big city and have an apartment overlooking it all. You'll have late nights with old friends and get drunk on the weekends and live to the fullest almost every day. I think you'll be a journalist or work in a big office somewhere but you'll love it. You'll love it because you feel like your opinion is being heard. I think you'll travel and cover stories all across the world and maybe write them all down alongside the pictures you take, kind of like working as a professional post card creator. I think that's when you'll fall in love with someone else and you'll get married and have two kids and a dog and you'll decorate for every single holiday- even the silly ones. You're going to be happy forever. You're going to live the best life anyone's ever had and I'll keep you in the back of my mind, hoping that you ended up there even if I can never find the courage to type in your name and find out for myself. You're going to see the world someday and the world is going to love you. You're going to have so many good stories. If we ever meet again, I hope I'll get to hear them.

You know, when we first ended everything- whatever we were- I used to see you everywhere. I used to be in grocery stores and resturants and movies and every single guy with dark hair who stood a little taller than everyone else, I could have sworn that he was you. I would convince myself that by some miracle we would be brought together again. Though it never was you and when that hit me, it was like I couldn't breathe. it was like I thought I was going to fall apart. Then a lot of time passed and I could see things clearly again. I saw how badly we treated each other, I saw how you didn't love me at all, and I saw how you knew that I was hurt, and you just didn't care. I still see those tall, brown haired boys in passing but now I'm okay that it's not you and never will be. Better than okay. Instead of falling apart, I feel a little relieved. Kind of like what people mean when they say you duck and just barely "dodge a bullet."

I have dreams of you almost every night now. The happier my dreams get the sadder I feel when I wake up from them.

I begged and begged for the bare minimum and all you said was that I didn't even deserve that. why do I still love you.

months later i still dream of your ocean eyes and the way they told me the truth when your mouth couldn’t.

You will forever be my right person wrong time. I think the universe will let us give us a shot again one day.

I only just met you and I feel like we were meant to be. I've never had such intelligent and smooth conversations as I do with you

thank you for the endless I love you's, kisses at red lights, hugs goodbye, cute anniversary texts, smiles, laughs, and most importantly for showing me what I deserve. I really just want the best for both of us, and I hope that we can talk again someday when we are both happier. I love you so much (from a distance) sweet boy.

All I ever wanted was for you to love me. I want you to know that I don't hate you, in spite of everything.

Missin you a lot tonight. Mostly just having you as my best friend, partner in crime. Love you still.

Every day since you left has felt like someone pulled my heart out of my chest and now I have to live my life pretending that I'll be fine without it.

i just heard about your grandad, i know i am the last person you probably want to hear from which is completely justified but i am sobbing at the thought of you and your family being upset. i know how much you cared about him and in an alternate universe i would be comforting you and i am so sorry that it couldn’t be that way and i really hope you are okay and someone is looking after you

i wish it was as simple as saying fuck you and cutting you off but we both know i dont have the willpower for that, i hope some day i get over you. till then i guess its the same old red hoodie bullshit

maybe you were it for me :( i don’t know if i can love anyone else. it’s been a year, why are you still in my head?

you will never find anyone as good as her again. and you won’t realise how amazing she is until she’s gone. you’re a dickhead, and you don’t deserve her at all. and i stg if you hurt her one more time i’m coming for u xoxox

I never knew you that well but your death still makes my heart ache. You probably didn't even give it a second thought at the time, but I will always be grateful for your big smile, friendly handshake and funny jokes on my first day of uni. It made me feel at ease when I felt completely out of my depth and alone.

If you ever decided to reach out again, I know I would forgive you even though I hate you for what you did.

we're getting married one day. We'll find each other again. Not even worried, you won't find another girl like me ;)

I got a notification from someone with the same name as you. Brought me to tears. I changed their contact information so I wouldn't have to deal with that.

By the way, now I know that sex really is better when you're in love. I hope you miss me. I know you do though, you can't get better than me.

One time I asked you if our relationship was going to fail, and you said only if we let it. Even though it's over now, I really don't think it failed. We tried our best and we learned so much from it. Timing failed us.

i really miss you but can’t tell you.. for several reasons. it’s okay though. i’d rather see you happy

Yeah that didn't end the way we wanted it to but I'd go back and do it all over again every time. Best I ever had.

I know we haven’t spoken for years but I still dream about you. And I know you’re with her and I’m with him, but I wonder if you ever dream about me too.

i hate you and i hate that i still miss you because you took half of me and threw it away like i was nothing

i’m sorry if i was too much to handle. my problems should’ve never of become yours too. i wish i meant as much to you as your friends did, you seemed happiest round them. i always ask myself what i did to make you stop looking at me like i put the stars in the sky.

For some gay reason your always in my head and i cant tell weather i like you or just like the idea of you. its gonna be weried seeing us drift again :/

i sometimes wonder if you are my soulmate. i didn’t think your memory would last this long, but here i am still thinking about you.

I'm always gonna have love for you and I'm not ashamed of that anymore. You have a piece of my heart forever, take care of it sweet boy.

It feels stupid that we're both still alive on this Earth and we're not speaking. I don't think we're meant to be strangers.

God, things were so messed up back then. High school was not kind to me, and I feel like you probably made it worse. If I could take back those feelings and relive those years, I really would. I by no means blame you, those years made me who I am today, but if I could go back and do things differently? I would. I would never write you those letters, or that Valentines day card in reply to a fake one you sent me. I would never of told anyone about the things I wrote about you in my journal. God, things could have been so much simpler. Sometimes I find the letters that weren't sent to you and I read them back and I just, I cringe. But as I said, if it wasn't for the social rejection and your rejection back then, I wouldn't be who I am today. I just wish you would have told me I didn't have a chance instead of leading me on for those three years like I had a chance.
that's it. I'm done.

never yours, T.

I don't know if I can call you my first 'love', but you were the first to break me. I still don't know what I did wrong.

Remember when it was 2am in the kitchen and you pulled me in and told me you loved me. What happened to that?

I think I miss your hugs the most. Or maybe the way you'd pull me in right before a kiss. I hope our paths cross again someday.

you wanted me, don't lie to yourself. i saw the way you looked at me, the way you held my hand, the way you kissed me goodnight. don't you dare think you're better than me because you ghosted.

i will never forgive myself for what i did. i wish when you looked at me you still saw something beautiful and pure.

i think i am over you, or if not the closest i have ever been to getting over you. imagine not valuing me, u really missed out x

you’re the best brother i could ask for. i hope you have the best life because you deserve it. i love you so much more than you’ll ever know

i regret not choosing you. i want our friendship back, but it will never be the same as it was before.

Sometimes I miss you. I miss you rambling about your stupid kins, I miss you rambling about your friends and the dumb shit they do, I miss when we played games together. I miss you. I love you. Please don't leave me hanging like this