Unsent Messages

Sometimes when I feel like I'm never going to get over you I like to read stories from other heartbroken people. They ended up losing the guy who was supposed to be "the one" too so maybe you weren't really the one even though I wanted you to be. I don't know. I saw you again today when I least expected it and it caught me off guard. I've been locked inside for so long I thought any dose of reality would make me feel a million things. Obviously it made me feel something otherwise I wouldn't be here again. It's just exhausting. You've forgotten all about me and I have thousands of things I want to say but they have nowhere to go. Anyway, I saw you today and I think it was a good thing. For the longest time you've existed just in a theory. He exists in a world that's millions of miles away. We're in the same town still and yet it still feels like we've never been further apart. I feel better now than I have. I still miss you. I still wish things were different but it was good for me to see that all this time you were right in front of my face and weren't far away at all. You've been right here this entire time. And we still never ended up together. Because we're not meant to be together. Because you don't love me and I can't make you love me. I know, I know- a little late for realizing but you were always smarter than me. I'm happy I saw you today. I'm happy that you're happy and alive and doing well and life for you has been better than ever than before. I'm not there yet but I think where I am is a place where I can see that our lives aren't connected anymore and feel those feelings and be okay with them. We aren't together. You aren't coming back. And if you had seen me too, you wouldn't have wanted it. Because you don't want me. And that's okay that you don't want me because the you now is a you that doesn't exist in our story anymore. I am still waiting for a you that lived and died in a five month window two years ago and that you has packed their bags and grown up and locked whatever we were deep down in your subconscious. Past you and current you have one thing in common. We were always so close to getting it right and yet missed each other every single time. I want to sign off with "I love you, Will" but I think maybe after a good year and a half of having my heart just be destroyed by you making it very clear you never loved me, maybe I can say that I loved you. I really did love you. And now I really can let you go. I think it's time for me to accept this and let it go. I'll still wonder and hope and think about you but I need to think about me because I can't waste my life over someone who probably hasn't thought about mine in months. Good luck and keep staying safe. I don't want to wish you bad things or love you or hate you or miss you or want you or think about you anymore. I just want to keep what we were locked up for a while. At least until I have something to replace those feelings with. Something that doesn't hurt me. Something that wants to stay.