Unsent messages to IAN

I wish you knew how much you hurt me. And I hope nobody ever does to you what you did to me because I know deep down your a good guy you just lost him along the way?❤️

we were young and I was immature but for what its worth.. for what I thought love was, I felt it for you

Why don't you love me anymore when all I do is love you! This is the color of the rose I gave you on our first date. I hate pink

you helped me feel everything and for that i am grateful.

but i think whether it was intentional or not, you made it clear that i fell short in so many ways. i'm tired of feeling insufficient.

i still love you, but i want to get to feel like a whole person, who's actually worth something.

I wish we talked more. You being the age I thought you were at first would've been better but I'll take what i can i guess. Too bad we're both socially awkward fucks lmao.

I almost called you twice yesterday. I saw your car on campus and cried in mine for a little, and just wanted a hug. I kind of regret not calling.

but it’s not fair if I do.

i’m not doing so good. idk. idk if it gets better ever.

and yet despite all my anger and hurt, I still wish you could hold me till the world becomes less scary.

but you can’t.

i don’t even have the words.

idk if you really get it. i'm just tired of feeling like a scared thirteen year old girl again. i miss you, but idk if i miss how you made me feel.

I wish I could take it back and say sorry.I would do anything to go back in time for just one more day with you.

I wish I could take it back and say sorry.I would do anything to go back in time for just one more day with you.

You were the first person to ever make me truly feel the love of the world. I hope you feel it, too..

i kinda just wish you could hold me till it all gets less scary.

but you can't. trying my best not to call you.

If u hadn’t moved away I’d be having all these first experiences with you, not him.
I wish you hadn’t moved. I just feel empty.

I saw your car. I really wanted to find you and hug you. you asked for no contact. I’m trying so hard to respect that.

I saw your car. I really wanted to find you and hug you. you asked for no contact. I’m trying so hard to respect that.

I saw your car. I really wanted to find you and hug you. you asked for no contact. I’m trying so hard to respect that.

I really miss you a lot. I have so so so many regrets leaving you, I really just want to be eating Garlic bread tear and share with you right now

it’s been two weeks. i cry less than a week ago, but i still miss you.

i literally drove down 203 yesterday because it was the closest i could get to you.

i look through the photos from that day all the time. i know now why that jp saxe song tells me not to do that.

i miss the parts of our relationship that were magic and made me feel like i was floating. but i think there was enough anti-magic that it hurt a lot more than it was supposed to.

i hope one day it works out for us.

e

i like you, i have interest in you. you seek and go girl after girl, why? i could give you all that, but i guess its hard doing so seeing as we are both boys and, you, are homophobic... i hope one day we can be together and just kiss under the rain ian, i like you but you dont even know me lol

getting these from you is still one of my favourite things. please dont be sorry.

there are so many things in my life that are so saturated with you, and now everything feels empty.

sometimes i check find my friends to see if youre close.

i just wanna give you a big hug.

a & f
em

getting these from you is still one of my favourite things. please dont be sorry.

there are so many things in my life that are so saturated with you, and now everything feels empty.

sometimes i check find my friends to see if youre close.

i just wanna give you a big hug.

a & f
em

I've liked you since my freshman year but every time I get my hopes up some other girl takes your breath away. I've seen it for two years now I'm numb to it . But it still hurts . Because I still saved those thoughts, tik toks, false hopes . Makes it harder every time but I tried to just not let it bother . Now here I go again heart broke . Watching it play out once again as all that manifesting and hoping goes to waste . I mean what's one more heartbreak ? I've gotten it hurt before .

i love you and miss you.

i miss Ellie and your family.

one day, my love, we will be back together again. for now, i'll just stare at you on zoom, and wish i was sitting there with you.

emma

it gets better for us, i promise.

i listened to one of your old voice notes this morning. can i call you one day? you can just send me to voicemail, but i want to hear your voice.

kinda bummed music was cancelled bc it meant i didn’t see you today.

em

i love my new ring, and i love seeing your smile light up in spanish at slav saying something silly.

you make me want to be better. if im better for me, i can be better for you.

forever and always right?

praying for you always,

em

I check my name constantly. I miss you so much.

but idk.

I don’t think you know how often you made me cry. I think if you did, it would devastate you.

You told me that I never let you get to be hurt. I was hurt far more often than I told you. I still wanted to protect you, even when you made me feel insufficient.

I am not going to be small anymore to make other people comfortable.

e

I still want to love you.

but I can’t even love myself right now.

and I just want you to hold me tight.

em

Why'd you put in the effort and come to me when you knew what you wanted all along was totally different.

I keep having this dream where I find out I’m pregnant and I have to decide if I’ll tell you or not. I still don’t know the answer.

E

my heart still and will always belong to you. theirs always going to be a little hole in my heart because of you. but it wasn’t your fault. i still love you just not in that way.

i pin your zoom video every class. emily gets mad at me.

sometimes it makes me happy to see your face.

sometimes it crushes me a little.

i think it all comes and goes in waves.

idk if you'll ever even see these.

i'm sorry for adding to that note. its not fair for you to have to live in my brain. i dont know how to do this. i broke both our hearts and i cant move past that.

yours,

em

its been a week since you last held me in your arms.

i see you in everything.

i dream about you every night.

i just want a hug.

you smiled in the middle of music class today. my heart melted.

it's hard to explain, but i think i realized that i lose myself in relationships. i give up my ambitions and my goals and my hopes, because i really wanted to make you happy.

I avoid going to campus, because i think if i see you, i would run to you.

ian, i miss you so much. it feels like i put my heart through a garbage disposal.

this sucks.

i'm sorry i dont have the capacity for a romantic relationship and it's okay if you can't just be friends. i get it. i just don't want to lose you entirely.

em

i told you i was scared of getting hurt again and then you hurt me more than anyone else. i hope u got what u wanted and are happy now.

I want to hug you real tight, hang out with you, and just talk... I wish I could tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you.

I’m so in love with you. one day I want to marry you and have your kids and grow old together and just be in your arms forever. long distance sucks. I love you babes

you were the light to my dark lane . you made me happy and feel loved and now your gone you left me. i do wish i was as pretty as you wished , i as perfect as you’d like because in my eyes your more then life itself. you gave me purpose when nothing else did you made me smile when no one else could and , for that i thank you , i know i’m just another name on the list but you were more i’m sorry you’ll never see me as the beautiful girl worth keeping and fighting for. you saved me and broke me you were my tears and my best bragging moments but to you i was a embarrassment. one day you may love me or not but i will always love you

i’m afraid that we might be soulmates & i’ll always miss you but i’ll never be able to forgive you for sleeping with her.

I was going through such a hard time and you made me believe you were different. You lied to me and made me trust you just to hurt me and turn your back on me when I needed you the most. I hate you, but a part of me will always miss you.

you cheated on me so many times. you lied to me so many fucking times, but somehow, I'm the bad guy when I feel insecure or unloved, or any slight difference. I remember when I got the first screenshots of you talking to other girls. being shown that I'm not good enough, sticks.
but when I cry, or feel insecure, you have the audacity to get mad at me. but deep down, you know I'm not here for a long time, I'm here till you find the next best thing, to replace me, again. but I stay, because you're everything to me, and in my eyes. but, ill never be like the other girls. no matter what. and I fucking hate you for how you treat me, and how you make me feel but I hate me too, bc I'm not skinny enough, or pretty enough, or overall enough for you, but then again I think I'm better than you, bc even now, I'm 100% loyal to you, even when you weren't to me. I wish we never met. fuck. you.

I loved you more than anyone then you broke me more than anyone . I wish you the best . We will never complete our plans but that’s okay .

My heart always will have a special place for you. i’ve never felt the way I did with you towards anyone else. i’ll love you forever.

i wanna show you how short i cut my hair, so you can ask me whats wrong, and we can talk like we used to

I would’ve given you the world. I was falling in love with you, while you were still in love with her.

I still love you. I have no idea if you do or ever did. You wanted to be good friends.
So where are you?

i would’ve done everything for you. i told you i’d be here despite your past, i shouldn’t be, but i am. remember that.

every night i look up at the stars and tell them how much i miss you and that i hope you’re doing okay

This is the color of the hoodie I gave you! I love you so much, you never did anything wrong. I'm so sorry we are in this situation, but I think we will always find our way back to each other, especially once things change. For now, please forgive me for the decision I made.

I couldn’t be your go-to anymore and I couldn’t let you be mine. It was killing me. I hope you are happy in your solitude or that you’ve found someone worthy of disrupting it.

You’re a great guy, I miss you so much. Not even in a romantic way just in the way that you could always make me smile. I hope she makes you so happy... YOU DESERVE IT!!!