Unsent messages to ADAM

I feel like a second choice like why am I not enough for you. I can see you staring at other girls and the way you laugh with them, its almost as if you wish you had met them first. You're my perfect boy but I don't like I'll ever be your perfect girl.

I know we realistically never fit together but sometimes I do feel this pull towards you that I can’t stop myself from thinking it’s fate and it’s so stupid but I can’t explain the feeling. perhaps it’s just that us together never truly happened— and I’m fantasizing happiness out of this because you never hurt me like other people did. But that acknowledgement still doesn’t stop this feeling I have.

I feel like it would never work but you know it’s that whole what if. When this is all over maybe we should go for a pint and talk.

i'm sorry i cant tell you how i feel. i cant risk our friendship over it but i do love you more than you know

I know you moved on months ago without me but sometimes I feel like I’ll never be able to stop thinking about the way you made me feel

The irony that I added these songs to my playlist for you, but I can’t bring myself to listen to them anymore.

Did you know you were lying when you said you loved me? Or is that how you treat the people you love?

I don’t know what I did for you to just cut me off, but since then I’ve forgotten what I loved most about you.

You killed me, and I hope you know how long it took me to get over you. It wasn't a big deal on your end, but on mine it was earth-shattering. Now that I've met my soulmate, I suppose I should thank you for giving me all of this character development. So thanks, I guess. I still wish the worst for you.

Thank you for showing me what it is to be truly in love, even if just for a short time. You’ll always have a place in my heart and a part of me will always belong to you. I hope we both find happiness with someone else. Forever yours, M

I sometimes wonder, do you remember all the stories I told you? Because I still think about all of yours.

When I was driving home after you broke up with me over text I realized that love wasn’t supposed to hurt like this.

i hope youre in a better place. you hurt me with your lies. it took me so long to forgive myself for what I did. you showed me what love is not, i treasure the real thing so much more. thank you for helping me along my journey of finding myself. i hope you feel peace adam. I hope youre happy.

you should be the one i'm dancing around the kitchen with at 3am and making pancakes on sunday mornings with when were older. but you won't be, we'll still have each other i know that. but we'll both have other lovers.

Hey there, I honestly am over you yet I still remember clearly our conversation and the colour of your eyes. Weird how time changes everything and some how nothing. But that is how It is.

I miss you but you only saw my skin in the sun and never took the time to recognize my soul in the moonlight.

i’ve liked you for 2 years. every time we talk, you make me feel so good about myself. nothing will ever happen probably, but these moments are enough for right now

I miss you loser. More than I should and more than you will ever know. I really hope it’s different in another lifetime. I wish we had had more time. You’ll always give me butterflies.

I wish we were still friends, I'm sorry for everything that happened between us. If I could have one last chance to make things right, I would. I wish I could've been the friend you were to me. I hope you're happier than you were when we were friends, you deserve it after everything you've been through.

You still won't accept any love from anyone. It's visible on your face and how you treat others. I wish I changed that.

It’s literally 12:25pm and you popped into my brain. I was looking back at my life and wondering when I became so emotionally distant when it came to relationships, and then I remembered you (it’s not as bad as it sounds i swear). I remembered telling you I loved you and how everything about you fascinated me, I was one of those cheesy teenagers in love. I got absolutely giddy when I thought about you I quite literally felt like I was under a spell, I mean you wrote me a song for gods sake. Anyways, I think without even realizing it the breakup had left hidden wounds in my mind and heart that I wouldn’t completely notice till many years later, not to sound dramatic or anything. I don’t want this to sound like I’m blaming you for my own emotional attachment issues, I mean I doubt you’d ever read this but ya never know. I guess I just wish I was that girl again. The girl that wasn't afraid to want someone, to let their guard down and be themselves, to love someone. There’s a guy who’s openly admitted his feelings for me, he’s so similar to you it’s kind of weird, but that’s besides the point. He’s like my other half in the sense that I’d feel lost without him. At one point I think I did have feelings towards him too but my heart just kept pulling away the closer we got. I can’t see myself being with him, or anyone for that matter. I can’t see myself being affectionate towards anyone, all I know how to do is reply to the simplest “goodnight (insert my name)” with a “night to you too bruh/fam/bro/pal” like cmon. I don’t know, I’m probably overthinking this all but oh well, the damage has been done now lmao. Anyways, maybe someday I’ll learn again that love can be fun, and that expressing love for others isn’t a sign of weakness, I’ve got plenty of time to work on myself. To close out this anonymous message, I’d just like to thank you, Adam. You truly were an amazing guy and I cherish every memory we made together. Best wishes x

god i am so fucking sorry for being so weird i regret it every single day. i hope you can forgive me eventually but i wouldn’t blame you for not doing that

hi i saw you the other day i miss you ik we were never close but yeah please msg me soon i won’t be awkward- but if you see this you might not know it’s me so msg all the girls in your contacts even the ones you last talked to months ago

I replay the memories of us together sometimes. It's not because I love you anymore though, its because i keep wondering where it all went wrong. I guess i will never know.

i’m scared you are going to talk about me the way you talk about her, as a joke, even though at some point you had to have cared about her. i don’t want to be something you laugh at, i’m sorry

I saw her whisper something in you're ear and it made my heart drop the way you looked back at me. I walked home alone and felt like dying that day.

hey i hope u never get to see this but... i really loved u alot. i miss those little giggles we would do in the back of out class, i miss how we always hung out together and texted each other, i miss how we both would look into each others eyes and smile at each other, i miss how we both would laugh over our bad grades in our math class in the back, i miss us telling cute secrets to each other and giggling as if its only us 2 in the world. i loved u with all my heart and it still breaks my heart to see u laughing with another girl. i wish i could go back to the time where it was only me and you even thought we never even got to date. this unrequited love will always bring pain to my heart. i'll always probably have a place for u in my heart because ive been stuck on you for the past 4-5 years. even though im saying this, i hope u find smo u truly love and have a happy life because u deserve it. even though its without me. i have no regrets writing this but ill always regret that i never got to confess to you.

i love you mostest. i’m not the easiest person to love all the time but i’m trying. thank you for loving me anyway. you’ve saved me.

Yes you are a dickhead and I think you know it and I definitely know it but I still care about you so much. Whatever you do, however angry you make me I still worry about you so much. I know you text other girls and there will never be anything serious between us but I’ve come to terms with that now and I just want to be really good friends.I want everything to be well for you because I want to see you happy. You probably won’t guess who this is from if you do see this.

you showed me how to love and what love should feel like, and i could never be more thankful for that. thank you for making me feel like sunshine

You hurt me in ways I would have never imagined. You still haunt my mind till this day. The memory of us at the beach at nighttime when were we were lying down and you had your hand for me to rest my head and we were looking at the star makes me feel so strange but nice. I would die to stand up and kiss u but I couldn't I wouldn't we were friends and as you said we know each other since we were 6 you cant develop feels for a person of the friend group. Sadly tho I did I developed feeling and realized them way later. I felt jealousy for the girl you were in love however you never knew. I was there the good friend the supportive one always there but you never realized how things were from my side. You using me to avoid a girl who had a crush on you still hurts me. You were pushing me on a wall you were physically flirting with me I still remember your pressure on my body. You were flirty only with me or I just hope that was the case idk that's what I was seeing and for a couple of times i thought maybe my feelings aren't one sided . I had feelings for u and in fact you were my first love not that boy nor anyone else. You will never know you would consider it creepy since we know each other ages I don't know why I developed feelings ... I just did I couldn't help it I wouldn't if I could I would have been straight it would have been so much easier for me to not fall for you but every touch of yours had me melting. Ys teasing under the desk, me annoying u, making u laugh was my favorite thing I miss our random conversations.
I was a friend to u but when I bring myself some years ago shit I would die to kiss u in the club at the beach anywhere ....
and you will never know maybe its for the better.
It hurts me remembering in how much pain you were I hope you are fine now.
However I still hold grudges for you flirting with me as a joke cause those jokes messed me up so badly. You made me realize I was in the closet and I still am I wished you hadn't i wish ... i actually don't cause my feeling for you were really beautiful and kinda deep rooted. I think about how I felt when we were close and I internally scream.

I miss you ... but its okay I trully hope you have a good life the way you want it to be

I geniunely really fucking liked you and I hate how the timing was never right. I went off the deep end and you didn't and when we hung out that day I realized we were in totally different parts of our lives and we weren't the same people we were in 2019. I'm glad I met you

The year is nearly gone now and although we never said it, I think we both knew. But I can’t do it anymore. I guess it was the right person at the wrong time.
Maybe in another life
N xx

You loved me so hard but you still broke me. I miss you, but I don't know if my love for you is the same as before.

I fell in love so fast, it never happened before
I love you, please don't break me like the ones before

I wonder if you ever felt something, if I ever meant anything to you. You never apologized for everything you did, was any of it real? did you ever tell anyone the things we said? I still can't hate you, you were my first kiss, my first love and my first heartbreak.

I love you and I will always be in this never-ending cycle with you. But, it's time for you to either admit you love me too or leave me alone.

I think I was in love with you at some point, maybe even now. I’m not too sure. I loved how excited I became to see you but it slowly died out of me when I realised you don’t care about anyone. You don’t care about anyone to the point where it’s making me dislike you. I cried in front of you all and you said nothing and didn’t even look at me. I love how you sometimes call me kid. Even though I’m not sure when it will be, I hope I get to see you soon?

i'm so certain we will be together again one day. when we're both ready. i will wait as long as i need to.

Um hi , I love you I wish it could be that easy . You’re eyes are gorgeous and your dimples make me wanna stare at you all the while longer - you give me opia . I love you Adam, I honestly wish I didn’t love you - so you don’t live in my head rent free 24/7 but ffs I do and there’s nothing I can do about it except dream about you and wish you were mine.

I don't know if I will ever forgive you for what you did to me or how you left . I thought that our friendship was more important to you than some girl that you just met but whatever i'm over it. but i'm really not because we used to be so close now we are strangers.

I know you don’t like me, there’s no need for you to pretend. It hurts but it’ll hurt less if you just tell me the truth. Sorry I wasn’t good enough.

Sometimes I think about you still and get chills. I regret not telling you how I felt all those years ago and miss you now we’re not in contact.

I'm sorry. I wish I could go back in time and fix everything because I know I'm never going to not be in love with you. I miss you bubba

I just need to say that I like you so that I can finally move on. God, why do I like you?
Here I it goes I guess..
I like you, a lot, i like how we always bicker, i like how you trust me, like like well everything about you.
What's the use in one sided love?

I'm sorry for never being good enough. I wasn't enough for you to fall in love with, even though you said you loved me. You made me feel special, you acted like you actually cared. Sending that last message to you just proved that you never really cared about me. Not enough to respond, or even pretend that it upset you? You'll always be too fucked up and selfish. You're such a dick, you know that? You are such a shitty person. You don't deserve me and I don't deserve to be treated the way you treated me. I will never have a connection with someone the way I did with you, that's why it's so difficult for me to leave. We clicked so well, I never thought that it would be possible to have that kind of chemistry on the first night of talking to someone. But as time went on, I realized we are just too different. Complete opposites. You don't feel anything and I feel everything tenfold. I was nothing to you and you were everything to me. I'm sorry for being too emotional, taking it all too seriously, but you are partly to blame as well. I would have never thought you loved me if you hadn't said that you did, fuckhead. Why did you say that? It ruined everything. I genuinely thought you cared. But you moved on before we even stopped talking...I have a gut feeling you're gonna date her after telling me you could never date anyone. When that day comes, it will be obvious how much you truly cared about me. You would call me crazy, but when I mentioned it you didn't even reassure me?? When I talked to her about it I could tell she was fighting back feelings for you. I can't do anything because I don't own you, we aren't together. She's going down the exact same path I did, you manipulative fuck. I know this was all meant to be, whatever happened was for a reason, but I wish you had never texted me that one day in late October. I wish we never started talking over something as dumb as a Halloween costume. If you hadn't felt the need to get an opinion from this random girl you never talk to, we wouldn't be in this situation two months later. If I hadn't posted that one thing on my story, you would have probably asked someone else. If I hadn't kept asking you questions and encouraged you, we wouldn't have continued talking past that first night. So many things have been said since then. It's crazy how many things can be said in two months. It feels like a lifetime. I am such a different person, I know so much more, experienced so much. You would say absolutely nothing has changed and it's been quite uneventful..I guess that's just how my mental illness works. I had a crush on you for over a year, I fucking manifested you. I brought you into my life and then my abandonment issues pushed you out. If I wasn't so fucked up mentally, everything would be great. Honestly, you'd probably like me more if I was your "emotionally unavailable alt biddie" god fuck you. You played me, dude. You acted as if you wanted me when all you really wanted was the idea of me. You couldn't deal with a real person who has fully fledged emotions (something you'll never, ever, begin to understand, you fucking asshole) you wanted attention, a distraction. I wanted that too but I need so much more. I need someone who can actually be with me and a part of my life. Someone who really cares and loves me unconditionally. I thought I needed you, but you are so fucking terrible for me. I'm glad that I'm making the steps to get over you, but it hurts so bad. And we never even fucking dated!! God. How did you turn my life upside down. You were my first experience with love. With anyone showing interest in me. It was so intense and moved so quickly, but you were on a completely different page. I was living in my own fantasy world clouded with love. You were just..living. This shit happens to you once a month. I thought I was special..you told me I was special. But then you told me I wasn't? You were lying? You never said that? I don't fucking know dude, you're just the worst. I'm sorry my bpd got in the way of everything, I'm sorry I couldn't be the perfect girl for you. Hopefully, she is. Or maybe that's all in my head too. Whatever. Fuck you, Adam.

as much as i knew we weren't right for each other, i cant stop thinking about you every day. it never stops and i just wish you felt the same way.

I’ve never been so stuck on someone. I wish you would stop playing with my feelings so I could either move on or fall in love.

I know it wasn’t real. How could you abandon me once I was hospitalized? Mental illness is still an illness. I don’t remember a lot. I just wish I had closure. You can go fuck yourself.

I miss you. Ur an idiot and you've made mistakes but ur my idiot. Ur mistakes dont mean you dont deserve another chance in life.We will get through this and you will come back to me i jusy know it. But it's hard without you. It's hard not being able to check up on you. See you soon bumblebee x

I don’t hate you. I hate how you made me feel not good enough. I hate what you did to me. It hurt and my relationships now take so much effort out of me. I wish I could love effortlessly again.