Unsent messages to SEBASTIAN

I have loved you for so long. I never expected to give you my heart but here we are. This break will heal us.

I don't believe you when you say you love me when you only look at me with loving eyes when we're having sex.

You linger in the far back crevices of my mind, even after being apart for almost a decade.

An entire decade. Sometimes I struggle accepting how quickly time has fleeted.

Because every so often, I’ll get a breath of fresh, crisp Autumn air and it transcends me back to Germany.

I’m then filled with the most vivid memories of us.

We were so young. So vibrant. So spontaneous.

Even though I feel like we knew we weren’t right for each other, we were still somehow addicted to the moment.

I sometimes wonder where we’d be in life had we not gotten separated, or at least separated at such a young and vulnerable age.

I then wonder if you ever relive the same flashbacks that I do.

I guess I’ll never know, and that’s okay.

Every path is crossed for a reason and I wouldn’t change a thing about our history, because then that would rewrite the story I have now.

I miss you. I miss holding you, kissing you, seeing your name on my phone. When I see you now or hear your name I realize just how much I need you. I want to be with you, but I know you're scared. I fell in love with you. I want us to work.

I know your happy with her but it’s unfair how we spend so much time together and we have so many memories and you just left because it got hard

Yes, i did truly like you. Its crazy how i can still be nuteral with you after all the things youve done to me.

Yes, I did truly like you. Its crazy how i can still be nuteral with you after all the things youve done to me

I have written you at least 50 love songs that you will never hear but more then anything I just want you to know how incredible you are.

i miss you, when you're not by my side. everyday i can't sleep, i just take your sweather, which smells like u and suddenly i feel safe. i feel good. i love it, how you can play with my siblings like they were yours, how you can talk to my father like he were your best friend, how you treat my mum so respectful, how i can look you in the eyes and they suddenly begin to shine.
i love you.

I wish i would have told you about my feelings but now it‘s to late. You are happy with your girl and that is all that matters❤️ Maybe one day it is going to be us? But we are so young we will se how life is gonna end one day! You are forever in my heart❤️

I didn’t wanna do this again but I couldn’t stop myself. I don’t know what I want from you. I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t know what I want for myself. I know - or at least I think? - you’re interested in somebody else and everything but I feel stuck. Like I’m caught in this limbo between wanting you and hating you. I’m stuck in the past, like always, holding on to something I’m not sure even exists anymore. I really miss you but I’m too scared to let you in again. Every time I want to get closer I stop myself. I’d rather be alone than ever let myself love you a second time because I don’t want to be forced to get used to your absence again. I’d like to think that you still think of me but I suppose I can’t be sure. Maybe we should talk about things or maybe we should just sit in silence and never acknowledge a single thing. The longer I sit here in silence though, the more these feelings brew and boil over inside of me. A large part of me genuinely hopes you’re reading this because this is the only way I can get myself to reach out. LB

ayo. u were a ok boyfriend ig.. being around you made me feel so shy but like in a way that i wanted to hide cause lowkey didn’t wanna date you. anyways, thank for introducing me to your ex while we were “dating”, she kinda helped me realize i was lesbian. uh that’s it, bye.

la cicatriz que me dejaste, no se ha borrado. te extraño y sé que eso no esta bien porque tu me rompiste, me jodiste y ahora solo trato de salir adelante pero anhelo volver a coincidir y que funcione.

Perdóname por ese último mensaje. A veces pienso en ti y en todo lo que me hiciste sentir y crecer como persona. Te sigo queriendo a pesar de que ya pasaron años desde la última vez que te vi. Te deseo lo mejor de este mundo.

Extraño hablarte como lo haciamos antes, quedarnos hablando de tonterías hasta las 5 am, te amo, perdón por nunca decírtelo

I was too shy to talk to you but I loved the warmth of your hugs. Your purple sweater is so warm and comfy. I wish we can be friends, my gamer boy.

Lamento haberte dado la oportunidad de romperme, ya no puedo estar con alguien sin pensar que lo aburro o que no soy suficiente. No solo me hiciste insegura, me hiciste inestable y no sé como lidiar con eso. Pero lo peor de todo eso, es que no puedo dejarte solo, porque estás peor que yo. Ves lo que ocasionas?

I hate you. I was nothing but nice to you but you always found a way to make me feel like shit for caring. I really did love you even if you won't except that, and as much as I wanted us to work out you lost more than I did.

i moved on, it took me forever, but i did it. but i want you to know that im still here if you if you need anything. i will always be. i will always care for you no matter what. our relationship was shit and we never really knew each other. but after you left my heart decided to fall hard for you. im sorry i wasnt good enough for you and you found someone better, but that was a long time ago. i hope one day we can be friends. i love you. everything about you. im sorry.

The first person to ever make me feel a little bit wanted... but then you stopped. Am I not good enough?

I did love you. You still think that I used you but I wasn't trying to, I swear. My feelings for you were true. I wish we didn't stop being friends but you'll never find it in your heart to forgive me and I'll just have to live with that.

I like you a lot but i know you don’t feel the same and it’s eating me up inside because i’ll never be good enough

i regret leaving you because you "cheated" on me. we weren't even dating but it was so real in my mind that you being with her felt like you were cheating on me. I should have stayed. Because now that i know what life is like without you I don't want to life. Its too late now though, you have a girlfriend...and i recently broke up with mine. but god do i miss you. sounds cliche but i do think of you first thing when i wake up and you are in my last thoughts before sleep. i act okay but when i hear your voice during class i want to cry and my heart starts beating so fast i think i will faint. why did i leave? i should have stayed, through the jealousy and the pain. why didn't i stay..give me a sign please ill change, ill be better i swear, ill go to therapy and stop being self destructive just take me back. please.

i have never loved someone quite as much as you. or in the same way. you are an amazing person, and i love everything about you. your smile is probably my favorite, though. you make me laugh harder than i have with anyone. i'm so comfortable with you, and your arms feel like home. thinking about you makes me smile and gives me butterflies. looking you in the eyes , my heart stops and i wonder how i got so lucky. i will love you forever, no matter what. that's not a promise, it's just the truth.

i don’t think you understood how much you meant to me. i loved you and i put all my trust and hope into you and you still left me. you showed me what i had ever wanted and then took it away in the matter of days. i’m sorry i wasn’t enough

your my best friend and i love you more than words can describe i know i never was good enough for u u always picked the other girl in the end and i hate u for it but i still can’t get over u it’s been over a year and everytime i see u it all comes back. i thought it went away for good but seeing u again i guess i found out it’s not gone and i hate myself for loving u like this

You broke me more than I ever thought someone could, but why do I still love you more and more every day??

sebastian i love you but you love her and youll probably never see this but youre my best friend and i cant imagine life without you we used to date and i fucked up and ended it im sorry i wish i could have a second chance but youre with her now and youre happy and thats all ive ever wanted for you

you know, i used to think back on all of our memories and it would hurt my heart. i could actually feel my heart break with each thought. i used to see you with your new girl of the week, and it would kill me. the tears would just fill my eyes seeing you with someone who wasnt me. i loved you more than anything. it took me a long time to fully recover from my heartbreak from you. but i have finally got there. i am finally able to think back on our memories, and just smile. i am finally able to see you with someone else and feel happy for you. i thought i would never come this far. especially when we were off and on again. i thought i would always be stuck on you seb. but something i realized in my heartbreak was this: if you love them, let them go. which is such a true statement. i needed to let you go. i needed you to let me let you go. i needed to realize and accept that i am not what you need right now, and you are not what i need. and thats okay. its okay that you have moved on, because i have too.
but there is just one more thing i want to say. i believe that sometimes, when two people meet, they connect in a more powerful way than most can. they create this tie between them that cannot be severed: no matter the distance, no matter the pain, no matter the issue... it just cannot be broken. and sebastian, we have that. the way that we look at each other isn't the way exes do. there is still some sort of care there, and there always will be. we cant deny that. because of this unbreakable tie, i will always be here for you when you need me. always. not matter the distance, no matter the pain, no matter the issue.... i will be here. a piece of my heart will always belong to you seb. and i mean that.
whatever our souls are made of, yours and mine are the same.

love,

forever yours

i only miss the idea of you. the idea of what was so easily attainable but always out of reach. i fucking hate you for just disappearing but i cant help but keep falling in love for the idea of what we couldve been.

if i could go back and decide to stay i would. this isnt worth it and i hate that i messed it up. youre a good person, trust me.

fuck im sorry. i hope you can be okay one day and im sorry i couldnt help you get there, i got too scared

I chose black because now every time I think of you, I just see darkness. sometimes, I wish I never knew you. I hate the way that you talk and I hate the way that I felt whenever you lied to me in my face even though I knew you cheated on me. You cheated on me. After telling me I was your world and you would love me forever. How can you love someone so much just to cheat on them after. I will always remember that pain you gave me. And the insecurities you left me with, thinking I’m not good enough for someone. I don’t wish you harm, but I hope you find someone that changes you into someone better. and I hope I never ever have to see your face ever again.

skating and being a bigot doesnt make you cool. i was into you for three years and for what? youre a bad person, but i guess im even worse for thinking i had a chance with such a shitty person

We were only kids when I realized I cared for you in a way that I've never cared for anyone else and that space will forever be your