Unsent messages to RAJATH

The night I saw that you both follow each other again, my heart stopped my head exploded, I felt betrayed and the pain was immeasurable
I couldn't sleep all night, i literally couldn't sleep nd i spammed u reels and i thought I'll ask abt it in person but somehow my intuition said u wouldn't come so I asked u abt it anyway...ur answer was convincing enough but I don't understand the necessity 🙃 if ull be left unbothered why follow u at all? Would u be ok if the person u r in love with is back in touch with someone she was completely in love with for so long especially when the person u love hasn't even chosen u ? I hv no place to question these but it ripped my heart rajath, but i chose all of this isn't it ..

And then there’s this other part of me… the part that still wants you in ways I can’t admit to you. Not just physically, though that’s there too, strongly and painfully. But emotionally. I imagine closeness with you that we haven’t reached in real life. I imagine looking at you without you getting intimidated. I imagine a softness, a warmth, a version of us that exists only in my mind. And every time reality doesn’t match that version, the fall is harder...I feel so shallow and empty, like my soul is drained out of life..

I keep telling myself you’re scared, that you don’t want to hurt me, that you pull back because you feel things u can't admit...But some days I don’t know what to believe. Some days I don’t know if I’m holding on or letting go. And the truth is, I’ve been trying to detach not because I don’t care, but because caring this much without knowing anything concrete is exhausting.

I wish I could tell you how much I wanted emotional intimacy with you, how deeply I feel things, how much I crave that feeling of being lost in you. But I can’t. So I let myself say it here instead, in a place where it won’t overwhelm you.

Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe it’s a lesson. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it’s everything. All I know is I feel too much, and I don’t know how to stop feeling it. And I’m tired of carrying all of this alone, even though I know I have to.

I wish you understood that I have wants too. It’s not just about managing your fears or your pace or your comfort. I want things. I want closeness. I want consistency. I want to feel like what matters to me isn’t always the last priority. And it makes me angry that I suppress my wants just so you don’t feel overwhelmed, while you get to step back whenever things feel too much. I’m tired of adjusting the way I feel, the intensity I have, the way I express everything, just to keep things “safe.” It’s like my needs don’t get space because your fears take up all of it. And I don’t want that. I want to feel like what I want matters too. I don't wanna feel like I'm the problem rajath 😭 i just wanna love u, openly, i wanna choose u everyday

You have no idea how much I’ve longed for you, even on the days I pretended I didn’t. Every time you pull back, it hits me in a place I don’t show you. I don’t know how you can feel something, then step away from it so easily. I wait for you to come closer, even a little, and instead you disappear back into your head. It hurts more than I admit, because I always end up holding the space for both of us. I keep hoping one day you’ll want to come close without being scared, without overthinking, without shutting down. I want you..not in pieces, not in moments, not only when desire takes over but fully, willingly, steadily. I want that more than I can say.
What are u even scared of?

I’m exhausted doing the emotional work for both of us. I’m the one soothing, calming, waiting, adjusting, understanding, explaining, holding boundaries, managing expectations while you get to just feel whatever you feel without carrying the weight of how it affects me. I can clearly see u avoid all the emotional processing that's necessary for u to ever move forward, ur insane hours of playing badminton...wat do u think? I don't know, that it's an escape, u keep escaping while I wait patiently? Don't u feel the need to get clarity 😭
Do u not feel a shred of love for me ???? An ounce of love ???
I want all of you, not just the version of you that shows up when things are light and easy. I want the parts you hide, the parts you’re scared of, the parts you don’t trust yourself with. I want a version of you that doesn’t disappear when things get intense. And maybe that’s the real ache that I want all of you, but you only give yourself to me in fragments, and I’m constantly stitching them together hoping they’ll form something whole someday.
U show me ur worst sides I'll still love u and choose u and stay by ur side, why can't u see it already? Haven't u seen me love u on my most hard days ? Can u for once take a bet on me 😭😭 over ur fears
For once be ur most vulnerable and completely genuine self and see how I'll adore all of u no matter how messy it could be
Listening to u , all day all night is smtg i feel grateful for, that u trust me with those parts , u can't remotely be a burden to me if tats ur fear

Idk what to do rajath 😭 my skin burns ... I want u ..so bad...

I wasn’t spiralling because of “love”.
I was spiralling because I’ve lost someone to a bike accident.
And every time you ride..especially at night... that fear switches on in my body whether I want it or not. You don’t know what it feels like to grow up with that kind of trauma inside you. And maybe you didn’t connect the dots… but that’s the reason I wanted to disable Instagram during your trip.
If you were going on a normal trip, disabling Insta wouldn’t even be in my mind..I wouldn’t spiral. My nervous system wouldn’t react the way it does.

But with a bike trip, it’s different.
I know you won’t text through the day.
I know snaps will be random.
And if I subconsciously get used to you texting me every night between 9–11, and just one day you don’t… I will spiral thinking you’re riding in the dark, or something happened.
That’s why I wanted to break the pattern before it formed.
To protect myself quietly, without dumping anything heavy onto you.

But you immediately associated my plan with
“I know you love me but don’t do this.”
As if my love is the problem.
As if caring about you is something shameful that I should reduce or hide.

The worst part is...this isn’t even the first time.
In August, when you went out for that late-night ride, I called you for the first time by myself at that hour,a I’ve never called you. But I did that night because I knew you were riding in the dark and I had no idea if you reached home safe. Even that day, you told me, “Don’t care this much.”
I didn’t explain myself back then either.

But I had told you I lost someone like this.
You just didn’t connect it.

And I’m not going to force you to hold my trauma.
I didn't want to ask for reassurance every night
I didnt wanna impose my trauma on you.

I just wish..for once..you didn’t make me feel bad for the way I care.

Because honestly, I’m tired of shrinking myself to seem manageable.
you made me feel like loving you the way I naturally do is a problem.
Like caring this deeply is something I should feel guilty about.
Like I should learn to be smaller, quieter, less emotional, less myself.
I’m tired of apologising for loving in a way that’s natural to me.
I’m tired of being made to feel like I should mute the softest, most genuine part of who I am.

I wasn’t disabling Instagram to get attention or to make you chase me.
I was doing it because I know myself.
Because I know how my brain works with fear.
Because I wanted to break my own pattern quietly, without placing the burden on you.

But somehow, even that intention got twisted.

And the truth is:
You don’t let me care for you.
Not even in the smallest ways even my friends let me care for them.
For me, care is intimacy.
And you keep shutting that door..politely, indirectly, unknowingly...but it still shuts.

And every time it happens, something inside me cracks. I'm so exhausted
But I still show up with softness, because I don’t know how else to be with someone I love.

Yet moments like today make me wish I was different.
That I didn’t feel this deeply..
That loving someone didn’t hurt this much...

I wasn’t trying to pull away from you.
I was trying to protect the tiny parts of me that are still trying, still loving, still choosing you..even when I shouldn’t.

Maybe one day I’ll just go numb.
Maybe that’s what it takes for you to feel “peace.”

Its breaking me from the inside...

I kept playing badminton even when my body was done, even when I was breathless, even when my arms were shaking and my palms had more bruises than i showed, it was bleeding after a point..…but i kept playing ...because I wanted to use whatever little time I had with you. I wanted to learn something from you while you were right there, next to me. I wanted to try matching you, even though I’m nowhere close. I didn’t want the hour to end.

And I kept riding… even when my shoulders were hurting, my legs were shaking...and my palms couldn't hold the handles and balance anymore… even when the traffic was too much...and I was too exhausted to hv ridden 8 km back and forth and though you showed hesitation i kept saying it's fine...only coz I just wanted whatever time i get with u....while u were apologising for going that far but not getting anything, all i was grateful for was, atleast im getting to spend time with u .… even when I knew you would drive better. I still rode. Because that’s the only time I get with you where you’re right behind me, talking, laughing, complaining, arguing, humming songs. That’s the only space where it feels like I get to take care of you in some tiny way.
I didn’t realise that until yesterday...its stupid ik.. it's about safety that i should hv thought, i genuinely thought I can handle it..my exhaustion...I'm sorry...I couldn't do better...

I wasn’t trying to impress you. I wasn’t trying to prove a point.
I just wanted to hold on to those moments because they’re all I get.

Maybe that was stupid.
Maybe you didn’t notice.
Maybe it didn’t matter at all to you.

But it mattered to me.

And when you got irritated… when you said you were pissed at my u turn..that broke me...when u correct my driving or give suggestions I don't feel bad...but u said u were pissed...that hurt..… when you compared me to others… when you said those girls learned faster… something inside me cracked even more... Not because you were wrong. But because the only reason I even pushed myself that far was you...I already had pushed more than my limits and even that felt not enough...I was devastated...
The only feeling that kept ringing in me for the rest of the night was IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH...ILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH.. I wasn't trying to prove anything consciously...its subconscious ig ...the desire to be strong in front of u?

You didn’t see the intention.
You didn’t see the effort.
And maybe it wasn’t your fault.
But it hurt.

I walked away pretending to be fine, but I wasn’t.
I cried the second I was alone.
Not because of the driving, not because of badminton.
But because I realised how much I keep giving without telling you why.

And the truth is —
I just wanted you to see me.
Not as perfect.
Not as strong.
Just… as someone who tries.
Someone who cares.
Someone who shows up for you in all the ways she knows.

I wish you knew that I ride because I want to be there with you.
I wish you knew that I play because I want to learn from you.
I wish you knew that these small hours with you make me push past limits I didn’t know I had.

You probably won’t understand any of this.
Maybe I don’t want you to.
Maybe someday i want u to read this...? To know why i did what I did...

When u asked if I'm crying or why am I sad...I think I yelled or spoke too loud....that was me overcompensating and trying to hide smtg u caught 🙃...I did hv tears.. I was sad . But I also knew none of this would make sense to u ..ik u didn't compare me or critsize my riding to hurt me...ik ur intensions....it's just... All I wanted for u to know was ... I DID IT ALL FOR U...JUST TO BE WITH U .. and if i admitted this in that moment it would overwhelm u..u would push me away...feel bad abt urself? I didn't wanna burden u.. I didn't wanna hurt u ..I'm hurting nd it's more than enough I didn't wanna pile up on u...I'm sorry that it has all come down to this where I'm hiding basic of emotions...idk wat else to do....it feels better this way...I don't want u to see my tears...I don't want to seem as TOO MUCH...which i already fear is what's engraved in ur mind nd heart 🙃

That’s all.

Sometimes I feel like I’m delusional. Like maybe this version of love I have for you will fade someday. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just obsessed or too anxiously attached or if this is all something I built up in my own head. But then I remember how hard some days have been with you and I still chose to stay. I’ve never shown even twenty percent of the patience I’ve shown for you with anyone else in my life. It’s exhausting at times, genuinely exhausting, but something in me kept choosing you. Udk how much ur silence pierces my heart
I sense every slight drift in ur mood but i don't question or try comforting coz I fear u take everything as pressure nd get overwhelmed..
I'm a person who wants to walk by ur side in smallest of ur struggles ( my love language) but ik u r the person who prefers silence nd space to feel safe, not a constant presence ( learnt this is how u wanna be loved ? ) it was so hard to adapt coz I didn't wanna let u face it alone..but i knew u wouldn't let me in either

And I’ll be honest. If I had known I would fall for you this deeply, this steeply, I would’ve backed off long ago. I really would have. I didn’t see this coming. I didn’t see myself going this far. Like I said before, loving you felt safe only because I thought you were unattainable, like someone else’s. I was loving you quietly on the side, telling myself nothing would happen, so it wouldn’t hurt. I didn’t know that if it ever surfaced like this, it would consume me in ways I wasn’t prepared for. I always imagined loving my life partner like this someday after marriage, not in this messy, confusing, terrifying space. Yet here I am.

But I also realised something else. If this has to end someday, I want it to end in a way that feels meaningful, not messy. Not as a situationship or something confusing or something I’ll forever question. I don’t want us to drift apart slowly because things got too heavy or too scary. I don’t want it to fade without ever knowing what it could have been. I want us to at least try once. Properly. With clarity. With honesty. With a little courage on both sides. Even if it fails later, at least I would know that we didn’t end like this, with confusion and fear and silence.

If it’s a no from your side someday, I want it to come after we’ve truly tried. After we gave it a real chance. After we saw what it feels like to be on the same side, actually meeting in the middle instead of circling around the idea of it. I don’t want it to end without meaning, without dignity, without that last bit of honesty we always promised each other.
I want u to drop all ur guards down with me atleast once before deciding a NO


I don’t know if you’ll ever read this.
But if you do, I hope you understand that none of this comes from pressure.
It comes from how deeply all of this mattered to me. And still does.

If it has to end, let it end beautifully.
Not like this.

I realised something today.
I don’t know if it even means anything anymore, but I need to write it somewhere.

I spent hours today with the only female colleague I feel closer to in my team. We tried a bookstore, walked around Indiranagar, sat in a café, even wandered the same lanes I’ve walked with you so many times. And it hit me that the entire stretch of time didn’t feel even 5% like how I feel when I’m with you.

We were talking, laughing, eating, walking in the park… everything people normally say should feel good. But it didn’t come close, even the movie yesterday...It didn’t feel like that comfort or that quiet happiness I get with you. It didn’t feel like that ease. It didn’t feel whole.

Even in the most normal conversations with you, I feel more like myself than I did in hours with people I technically get along with.

And then I saw Corner House today.
And without even trying, my mind went straight back to 3rd September.
That evening.
The rain.
That weird in-between moment where the confession was half happening, half being swallowed.
The way everything felt heavy and light at the same time.

I realised something else too. I didn’t fall for you because you were available. ( Sometimes I did fear this is the only reason)
I fell because something about being with you feels like home in a way I’ve never felt with anyone else. I didn’t choose you because I was lonely. I chose you because something in me relaxes when you’re around.

It’s strange. I don’t know what you feel, how you process things, or where your mind goes. But whenever I spend a day with other people, especially today or even yesterday after the movie, it becomes so obvious that the comfort I feel with you isn’t common. It’s rare. And whether or not anything ever comes out of all this, I can’t deny that it’s real.

You’re definitely the first person I genuinely liked completely on my own, not because you tried to impress me or be someone else like literally every guy before. I was so tired of people pretending. With you, I’ve seen the most unfiltered, real version of you. No pretence. No sugar-coating. Nothing. We’ve both been ourselves because this romantic angle wasn’t there initially and we never tried to be perfect. Our arguments, our differences, our debates… we are so different and yet there’s this comfort and respect.

I like how natural things were between us. I’ve seen you as you are. And your flaws never felt like flaws to me. Everyone has flaws. What matters is being accepted without it feeling like a compromise. Somehow accepting you never felt like effort. It just happened.

Apart from wishing you were more emotionally open and clearer in communication, which I know is just your nature, there is nothing in you I’d want to change. I genuinely love you and accept you as you are. I just wanted your love someday. The side of you that you don’t show or surrender to anyone. I wished I had that.

Sometimes I wonder if you could ever meet me halfway someday. If you could ever accept me as I am. If my depth really scares you that much. If my depth is actually the thing that could balance things u dislike in me...

I don’t know why I’m writing this.
Maybe I’m scared I’ll forget these things someday.
Maybe I want to remember that my feelings weren’t random or delusional.
Maybe I want to remind myself that what we had, even at its smallest, meant something.

I don’t expect anything from you.
I’m not asking for anything.
I just wanted to put this somewhere so the truth doesn’t get lost in all the chaos.

These thoughts aren’t lost.
And maybe someday, if you ever come across this, if u recall there's a place I hv dropped these msgs for u ..just know that you were loved, ull be loved ( in my own way )

U only saw the version of me thats scared of losing u
Idk if ull ever really see the version of me that’s stable, calm, and strong…
the one I wanted to be for you...to never let u feel, even for a second that u r unloved or unworthy of love or difficult to love.
I'm trying so hard to learn ur language so that u don't hv to spend a single second translating it for me 🙃
But I'm also trying to figure out how to spk my language without fear or scaring u.

I don’t think I’ve ever cared about someone this much while saying nothing out loud.

I know you have your own fears, your own guilt, your own way of dealing with things. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I know none of this was intentional.
But still, it did hurt.
And I don’t even know what to do with all of that, so I’m just putting it here.

I never wanted anything big from you ..not a label, not a decision, not clarity on a deadline… just presence. Just small things. Just the feeling that I mattered even a little. Maybe I expected too much, maybe the timing was wrong, maybe you were not ready. I don’t know. I genuinely don’t.

What I do know is I loved you in my own way. Quietly, deeply, consistently. Even when I was scared, shattered myself. Even when you confused me. Even when I didn’t say it directly. I've always tried to protect u, ur sanity and wellbeing over mine.
And I think a part of me still does.

I’m not letting go, I’m not moving on, I’m not pretending I’m fine.
I’m just tired.
And I’m putting this here because I need to put this weight down somewhere.

You were important to me.
You still are.
I just wish things hadn’t become so hard.
I wish u were with me in this fight or process...I feel so alone...I wish we could figure it out together...

How can smtg hurt this much? The numbing kind, the loss, helplessness, not being able to translate my despair into words,
I ...i feel dead , brain dead? Head hurts.. chest hurts .. eyes swollen nd burning, feeling the marks u left (literally) , the pain those marks cause everytime I move in my bed.. reminding me of u ..
Can u ever heartily choose me ..

You broke something in me that I didn’t even know could break. I never expected to feel this weak, this emotionally disposable, this small. I..
trusted you with parts of me..I CANT EVEN COMPLETE THE SENTENCE. Ik I'll loose u in the capacity we are in right now, someday but ..Losing you won’t hurt as much as realizing you never understood what all of this meant for me. I wish u atleast knew that I gave u all of me.. including my soul..

We both created a bond that neither of us are strong enough to handle properly.
It's been exactly 2 months to today that it all began, can't believe what all happened in this span and where we stand rn

I might be completely wrong but ..
U said i know all of u.. but I feel ur ALL OF U stops at the surface u r comfortable showing. But i felt the unspoken parts ? the places even u refuse to look at. And that’s where my love rooted... When I've spoken abt it, u always denied that u r not that complex and that i should stop ASSUMING, sometimes I feel ik u more than u do ( in certain matters but u r in denial ) I might be wrong but.. if u would atleast try answering the questions i ask, i wouldn't hv to assume everything by myself, because i don't get answers from u, I assume, that's how i move forward?
Everything i romanticised is showing the reality now ..
U did let me in deeper than u usually allow anyone. That wasnt delusion but
The painful truth is depth of knowing doesn’t automatically translate to readiness for love. But i thought if u were brave enough to let me in ull be open and ready for love..my bad
I wish I didn't mistake this for ur capability of love, i only ever imagined loving u than u loving me but u don't even let me love u... It's so painful...
I wish I respected nd valued how u were with me nd not get greedy of wanting more..we would hv had such a beautiful platonic nd pure equation...
Now I feel it's entangled with malice 💔

U sent ..that u hope I meet someone who spks my language so that I needn't spend eternity translating my soul..
I know you sent that reel with warmth, maybe even care, but it still stung a little...because it felt like you were quietly wishing me a kind of love you already feel you can’t give. I get it, though. I’ve stopped expecting a yes. I just have a strange mix of love and peace, and the quiet hope that someday, difference won’t scare you the way it does now. That willingness to understand the other person is half the battle won in itself. Similarity is comfort but difference brings depth, donno if u can ever grow into appreciating it

The week was weird isn't it
First day i expressed how much I love u, second day i showed u.........third day i expressed how scared I'm of loosing it all. U were flattered when i expressed how I miss u every second but annoyed at my fear of loosing u...I hope ull realise that depth comes in package, everything is equally intense.
Ik u said we r opposites.. but i thought ull eventually see that someone like me will be more willing to try and understand u on days u can't voice it ..but I'll learn to understand eventually anyway...than someone who's more like u or less like me.. creating gap even if love existed ? Just know one thing about me , no matter how drained or difficult it gets, im not giving up on u even on my hardest of days , I hope ull hv half this patience when u r ready

You are a person I have loved wholly. Whether our story becomes the one I dream of or a chapter I mourn, I will carry what I learned from you: how to love fiercely, how to risk honesty.

I love you. I really, really do. Not in a way that feels movie-like or dreamy, but in a way that has slowly filled up every corner of me without asking for permission. I love all of you, even the parts that are bitter, confusing, and hard to love on certain days. I love you on the days when you shut off, when you act like you don’t care, when you vanish into your moods, and when you say things that hurt without meaning to. And even on days when it exhausts me completely, by the next morning, the exhaustion dies, and I go right back to loving you like I always did. It’s like my heart resets overnight, even when my brain tells it not toYou know, sometimes I wish I could stop. Just stop caring, stop wanting, stop checking if you’ve seen my messages or wondering how your day was or what mood you’re in. But I can’t. Because for me, loving you never felt like a choice, it’s something that just... happened. Slowly, quietly, and now it’s just there.

I love you. I really, really do. Not in a way that feels movie-like or dreamy, but in a way that has slowly filled up every corner of me without asking for permission. I love all of you, even the parts that are bitter, confusing, and hard to love on certain days. I love you on the days when you shut off, when you act like you don’t care, when you vanish into your moods, and when you say things that hurt without meaning to. And even on days when it exhausts me completely, by the next morning, the exhaustion dies, and I go right back to loving you like I always did. It’s like my heart resets overnight, even when my brain tells it not to.
You know, sometimes I wish I could stop. Just stop caring, stop wanting, stop checking if you’ve seen my messages or wondering how your day was or what mood you’re in. But I can’t. Because for me, loving you never felt like a choice, it’s something that just... happened. Slowly, quietly, and now it’s just there.

I love u in ways i never imagined i can love. I hope to see just 10% of it atleast, in ur eyes, someday