Its breaking me from the inside...

I kept playing badminton even when my body was done, even when I was breathless, even when my arms were shaking and my palms had more bruises than i showed, it was bleeding after a point..…but i kept playing ...because I wanted to use whatever little time I had with you. I wanted to learn something from you while you were right there, next to me. I wanted to try matching you, even though I’m nowhere close. I didn’t want the hour to end.

And I kept riding… even when my shoulders were hurting, my legs were shaking...and my palms couldn't hold the handles and balance anymore… even when the traffic was too much...and I was too exhausted to hv ridden 8 km back and forth and though you showed hesitation i kept saying it's fine...only coz I just wanted whatever time i get with u....while u were apologising for going that far but not getting anything, all i was grateful for was, atleast im getting to spend time with u .… even when I knew you would drive better. I still rode. Because that’s the only time I get with you where you’re right behind me, talking, laughing, complaining, arguing, humming songs. That’s the only space where it feels like I get to take care of you in some tiny way.
I didn’t realise that until yesterday...its stupid ik.. it's about safety that i should hv thought, i genuinely thought I can handle it..my exhaustion...I'm sorry...I couldn't do better...

I wasn’t trying to impress you. I wasn’t trying to prove a point.
I just wanted to hold on to those moments because they’re all I get.

Maybe that was stupid.
Maybe you didn’t notice.
Maybe it didn’t matter at all to you.

But it mattered to me.

And when you got irritated… when you said you were pissed at my u turn..that broke me...when u correct my driving or give suggestions I don't feel bad...but u said u were pissed...that hurt..… when you compared me to others… when you said those girls learned faster… something inside me cracked even more... Not because you were wrong. But because the only reason I even pushed myself that far was you...I already had pushed more than my limits and even that felt not enough...I was devastated...
The only feeling that kept ringing in me for the rest of the night was IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH...ILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH.. I wasn't trying to prove anything consciously...its subconscious ig ...the desire to be strong in front of u?

You didn’t see the intention.
You didn’t see the effort.
And maybe it wasn’t your fault.
But it hurt.

I walked away pretending to be fine, but I wasn’t.
I cried the second I was alone.
Not because of the driving, not because of badminton.
But because I realised how much I keep giving without telling you why.

And the truth is —
I just wanted you to see me.
Not as perfect.
Not as strong.
Just… as someone who tries.
Someone who cares.
Someone who shows up for you in all the ways she knows.

I wish you knew that I ride because I want to be there with you.
I wish you knew that I play because I want to learn from you.
I wish you knew that these small hours with you make me push past limits I didn’t know I had.

You probably won’t understand any of this.
Maybe I don’t want you to.
Maybe someday i want u to read this...? To know why i did what I did...

When u asked if I'm crying or why am I sad...I think I yelled or spoke too loud....that was me overcompensating and trying to hide smtg u caught 🙃...I did hv tears.. I was sad . But I also knew none of this would make sense to u ..ik u didn't compare me or critsize my riding to hurt me...ik ur intensions....it's just... All I wanted for u to know was ... I DID IT ALL FOR U...JUST TO BE WITH U .. and if i admitted this in that moment it would overwhelm u..u would push me away...feel bad abt urself? I didn't wanna burden u.. I didn't wanna hurt u ..I'm hurting nd it's more than enough I didn't wanna pile up on u...I'm sorry that it has all come down to this where I'm hiding basic of emotions...idk wat else to do....it feels better this way...I don't want u to see my tears...I don't want to seem as TOO MUCH...which i already fear is what's engraved in ur mind nd heart 🙃

That’s all.