I wasn’t spiralling because of “love”.
I was spiralling because I’ve lost someone to a bike accident.
And every time you ride..especially at night... that fear switches on in my body whether I want it or not. You don’t know what it feels like to grow up with that kind of trauma inside you. And maybe you didn’t connect the dots… but that’s the reason I wanted to disable Instagram during your trip.
If you were going on a normal trip, disabling Insta wouldn’t even be in my mind..I wouldn’t spiral. My nervous system wouldn’t react the way it does.

But with a bike trip, it’s different.
I know you won’t text through the day.
I know snaps will be random.
And if I subconsciously get used to you texting me every night between 9–11, and just one day you don’t… I will spiral thinking you’re riding in the dark, or something happened.
That’s why I wanted to break the pattern before it formed.
To protect myself quietly, without dumping anything heavy onto you.

But you immediately associated my plan with
“I know you love me but don’t do this.”
As if my love is the problem.
As if caring about you is something shameful that I should reduce or hide.

The worst part is...this isn’t even the first time.
In August, when you went out for that late-night ride, I called you for the first time by myself at that hour,a I’ve never called you. But I did that night because I knew you were riding in the dark and I had no idea if you reached home safe. Even that day, you told me, “Don’t care this much.”
I didn’t explain myself back then either.

But I had told you I lost someone like this.
You just didn’t connect it.

And I’m not going to force you to hold my trauma.
I didn't want to ask for reassurance every night
I didnt wanna impose my trauma on you.

I just wish..for once..you didn’t make me feel bad for the way I care.

Because honestly, I’m tired of shrinking myself to seem manageable.
you made me feel like loving you the way I naturally do is a problem.
Like caring this deeply is something I should feel guilty about.
Like I should learn to be smaller, quieter, less emotional, less myself.
I’m tired of apologising for loving in a way that’s natural to me.
I’m tired of being made to feel like I should mute the softest, most genuine part of who I am.

I wasn’t disabling Instagram to get attention or to make you chase me.
I was doing it because I know myself.
Because I know how my brain works with fear.
Because I wanted to break my own pattern quietly, without placing the burden on you.

But somehow, even that intention got twisted.

And the truth is:
You don’t let me care for you.
Not even in the smallest ways even my friends let me care for them.
For me, care is intimacy.
And you keep shutting that door..politely, indirectly, unknowingly...but it still shuts.

And every time it happens, something inside me cracks. I'm so exhausted
But I still show up with softness, because I don’t know how else to be with someone I love.

Yet moments like today make me wish I was different.
That I didn’t feel this deeply..
That loving someone didn’t hurt this much...

I wasn’t trying to pull away from you.
I was trying to protect the tiny parts of me that are still trying, still loving, still choosing you..even when I shouldn’t.

Maybe one day I’ll just go numb.
Maybe that’s what it takes for you to feel “peace.”