The night I saw that you both follow each other again, my heart stopped my head exploded, I felt betrayed and the pain was immeasurable
I couldn't sleep all night, i literally couldn't sleep nd i spammed u reels and i thought I'll ask abt it in person but somehow my intuition said u wouldn't come so I asked u abt it anyway...ur answer was convincing enough but I don't understand the necessity 🙃 if ull be left unbothered why follow u at all? Would u be ok if the person u r in love with is back in touch with someone she was completely in love with for so long especially when the person u love hasn't even chosen u ? I hv no place to question these but it ripped my heart rajath, but i chose all of this isn't it ..

And then there’s this other part of me… the part that still wants you in ways I can’t admit to you. Not just physically, though that’s there too, strongly and painfully. But emotionally. I imagine closeness with you that we haven’t reached in real life. I imagine looking at you without you getting intimidated. I imagine a softness, a warmth, a version of us that exists only in my mind. And every time reality doesn’t match that version, the fall is harder...I feel so shallow and empty, like my soul is drained out of life..

I keep telling myself you’re scared, that you don’t want to hurt me, that you pull back because you feel things u can't admit...But some days I don’t know what to believe. Some days I don’t know if I’m holding on or letting go. And the truth is, I’ve been trying to detach not because I don’t care, but because caring this much without knowing anything concrete is exhausting.

I wish I could tell you how much I wanted emotional intimacy with you, how deeply I feel things, how much I crave that feeling of being lost in you. But I can’t. So I let myself say it here instead, in a place where it won’t overwhelm you.

Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe it’s a lesson. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it’s everything. All I know is I feel too much, and I don’t know how to stop feeling it. And I’m tired of carrying all of this alone, even though I know I have to.

I wish you understood that I have wants too. It’s not just about managing your fears or your pace or your comfort. I want things. I want closeness. I want consistency. I want to feel like what matters to me isn’t always the last priority. And it makes me angry that I suppress my wants just so you don’t feel overwhelmed, while you get to step back whenever things feel too much. I’m tired of adjusting the way I feel, the intensity I have, the way I express everything, just to keep things “safe.” It’s like my needs don’t get space because your fears take up all of it. And I don’t want that. I want to feel like what I want matters too. I don't wanna feel like I'm the problem rajath 😭 i just wanna love u, openly, i wanna choose u everyday

You have no idea how much I’ve longed for you, even on the days I pretended I didn’t. Every time you pull back, it hits me in a place I don’t show you. I don’t know how you can feel something, then step away from it so easily. I wait for you to come closer, even a little, and instead you disappear back into your head. It hurts more than I admit, because I always end up holding the space for both of us. I keep hoping one day you’ll want to come close without being scared, without overthinking, without shutting down. I want you..not in pieces, not in moments, not only when desire takes over but fully, willingly, steadily. I want that more than I can say.
What are u even scared of?

I’m exhausted doing the emotional work for both of us. I’m the one soothing, calming, waiting, adjusting, understanding, explaining, holding boundaries, managing expectations while you get to just feel whatever you feel without carrying the weight of how it affects me. I can clearly see u avoid all the emotional processing that's necessary for u to ever move forward, ur insane hours of playing badminton...wat do u think? I don't know, that it's an escape, u keep escaping while I wait patiently? Don't u feel the need to get clarity 😭
Do u not feel a shred of love for me ???? An ounce of love ???
I want all of you, not just the version of you that shows up when things are light and easy. I want the parts you hide, the parts you’re scared of, the parts you don’t trust yourself with. I want a version of you that doesn’t disappear when things get intense. And maybe that’s the real ache that I want all of you, but you only give yourself to me in fragments, and I’m constantly stitching them together hoping they’ll form something whole someday.
U show me ur worst sides I'll still love u and choose u and stay by ur side, why can't u see it already? Haven't u seen me love u on my most hard days ? Can u for once take a bet on me 😭😭 over ur fears
For once be ur most vulnerable and completely genuine self and see how I'll adore all of u no matter how messy it could be
Listening to u , all day all night is smtg i feel grateful for, that u trust me with those parts , u can't remotely be a burden to me if tats ur fear

Idk what to do rajath 😭 my skin burns ... I want u ..so bad...