My longest confession ever:

I don’t know when loving you started to feel like walking on eggshells.
All I know is that somewhere along the way, I began measuring every word, every concern, every impulse to care ..not by what felt honest to me, but by whether it would overwhelm you.

That’s the part I never say out loud.
I struggle now not because I don’t understand you.. but because I understand you too well.
I see how you withdraw when things get heavy.
I see how you go quiet when emotions rise.
I see how closeness scares you more than distance ever does.
And instead of turning away, I learned to shrink.
I learned to love you in the only way that felt “safe” for you ..by holding back the parts of me that show up instinctively.
My language of care has always been presence.
Showing up. Sitting quietly. Being there without demanding anything.
That’s how I love ..even friends. Especially people I care about.
But with you, even that feels like too much sometimes.
Every time I sensed a shift ..a tired tone, a quiet withdrawal, a heaviness .. my instinct was to ask, to understand, to adjust properly.
But I stopped doing that.
Because every time I did, I felt like I was crossing a line I didn’t know existed.
Your boundaries don’t come with explanations.
They come after I’ve already crossed them.. and then I’m left wondering what I did wrong.
Coz there was a specific instance where i said if u had just mentioned the severity of the situation i would be more understanding and u said, u letting me know of the existence of the situation itself was a big deal for u, which u hadn't done for any other frndz of urs, u told only me and telling the severity wouldn't be smtg u r comfortable with . And i felt so bad abt myself that i failed to see ur effort, i didn't wanna be dismissive of how much of urself u were willing to reveal of urself...but i didn't know what's too much anymore, coz for me that detail felt bare minimum...
So I learned to guess.
To predict.
To silence questions before they formed.
I learned to walk carefully.. not because you asked me to, but because I was scared that if I didn’t, I’d lose you.
That ull feel I'm too demanding and i invade ur space
The hardest part is that I don’t think you ever meant to hurt me.
I genuinely don’t.
I know you don’t withdraw to punish.
I know you don’t shut down to reject.
You do it to protect yourself.
But loving someone who protects themselves by disappearing… slowly teaches you that your needs are dangerous.
I’ve tolerated this discomfort because I told myself this is what loving you looks like.
That patience means understanding your limits.
That love means not resenting you for wounds you didn’t choose.
That if I truly care, I should adapt.
But i wanna be there for u, idk how to.. i don't even feel like I'm able to love u in ways i want, whatever I've shown u isn't even half of what I'm capable of
Are my needs too much ?
Am i asking impossible things? I just want u to know that i want to be part of every small sorrow of urs if not happiness, i want u to know that NTG u could ever express can remotely feel like a burden to me, i feel privileged to be chosen by my loved ones in the times of despair coz that's LOVE for me
So
I swallowed the urge to ask.
I ignored the ache of not being let in.
I convinced myself that closeness being rationed was normal.

I told myself: If I abandon him now, knowing why he is the way he is, what kind of person does that make me?

What I didn’t realise is that somewhere in that logic, I abandoned myself instead.
I don’t want you to change who you are.
I’ve never wanted that.
But I wish you understood that asking for clarity isn’t pressure.
That wanting to know what’s happening inside you isn’t control.
That caring out loud isn’t suffocation.
I wish you knew how exhausting it is to love someone while constantly monitoring whether you’re allowed to.
There was a time when i said i wanted to call u just to comfort u nd u said u would let if i was ur gf and that stuck in my head
I was like idk what qualifies as gf privileges in ur dictionary anymore and i didn't ever wanna overstep
So i learned to be quiet
I tolerate this because loving you still feels real to me.

I don’t know anymore what closeness is allowed and what isn’t.
What care is welcome and what crosses an invisible line.
What feels basic to me but feels like a privilege to you.

I replay conversations in my head, wondering whether my instinct to be present, to sit with you, to hold space.. is something you want or something you tolerate
Because I’m not trying to demand a role.
I’m not trying to claim a place I don’t have.
I’m just being myself and I’m scared that being myself is exactly what could make you retreat.
Because when things are light, when you’re present, when you’re yourself ..I feel calm in a way I don’t often feel.
Because my heart still believes in you, even when my nervous system doesn’t feel safe.

Maybe one day you’ll realise how carefully I’ve been holding myself just to stay close to you.
Or maybe you won’t.
I don’t trust that there’s space for all of me.
All I know is this:
I didn’t love you loudly because I didn’t care.
I loved you quietly because I was scared that my full presence would cost me you.

And if THIS isn’t love, I don’t know what is.