I’m angry. Not the loud kind.. the exhausted, breaking kind.

This didn’t start today.
You did something similar in September too. You were unwell, you didn’t rest properly, and we didn’t meet for four weeks after being close the way we were. I swallowed that pain telling myself my expectations were unreasonable. I can’t keep doing that anymore.

Yesterday I had fever and wheezing. I genuinely needed someone. My mom was hesitant to leave me alone, and yet I sent her away forcefully...because I believed I would see you. I took medicines, rested, and tried to pull myself together just so I could be my best self when you came.

I was physically drained, but I still went ahead and cleaned the entire house and washroom extra, organised things, and took a head bath even though I didn’t have the energy. I know you never asked me to do any of this. I did it willingly ...because that’s how I love. Because that’s how I show up.

By evening I felt slightly better but I skipped eating a simple sandwich I was craving because I didn’t want my cough to worsen and risk meeting you. It sounds small, but it shows how carefully I was organising myself around this.”
All u had to do was rest.. nothing else right.. It wasn't just that u got injured, u were already sick, atleast for the sake of that u could hv rested to not tire urself for next day ?
U had cancelled previous week as well
Is this a huge demand rajath 😭

When you went quiet through the day, a part of me got scared. Another part of me assumed maybe you were resting, finally taking care of your health so that you could come. I didn’t see anything that made me think otherwise. And honestly, if you had told me earlier that you were hurt or unwell, I would have been okay with it. Genuinely.

What broke me was this:
You kept sending reels like nothing had happened.

If I hadn’t asked about badminton at night, when were you planning to tell me? Morning? I was exhausted, already in bed, and strangely at peace by 10 PM thinking that if anything was going to change, I would know by now. I was ready to sleep with the excitement of seeing you the next day.

Instead, I found out late .. CASUALLY After I asked.
And you laughed about how you screwed up.
I lost my mind.
I had already accepted that you coming was 50–50. I wasn’t demanding certainty. What I needed was basic consideration. I wasn’t saying “don’t come because the weather is bad” casually.. I was saying it because I cared. And yet, you didn’t think it was important to update me even once, knowing very well that I’d be waiting. U screwed up chances of coming all by urself..it's not bad luck.

Every single time you hurt me, I swallow it by telling myself it’s wrong to expect.
But the truth is, I only expect what I would have done if I were in your place. Yesterday was a live example of that.

This hurt hit harder because I had planned everything around you while being physically sick and emotionally drained. I had chums, cough, fever and still I showed up in every way I knew how. I stayed alone. I rearranged my world. Just for you.

I know I do this out of love. I also know you’re not there emotionally the same way. But I would have done the same for a friend. That’s my baseline. And the gap between what I give and what I receive is crushing me.
What stung THE MOST, when i said i genuinely wanted to meet u once before this year ends u said me too...but u didn't even say we'll meet back at home ???? If not banglore??? U know I'll be home...all u said was ya i wanted to as well...that's it😭.. we will go more than a whole freaking month without meeting... Whole december to be specific...and it hurts how it doesn't bother u one bit?
I'm ur closest frnd u claim...
If this is how closeness looks like to u then I need to be honest about how much it hurts me

I’m exhausted beyond what I can take anymore.
I’m tired of eating my pain quietly.

The old version of me would never have expressed this so raw. I kept walking on eggshells, scared that if I showed anger you would shut down. I kept forgiving, softening, understanding even when many things should have hurt me more than they did.

I’ve reached a point where if you shut down instead of understanding me, that itself will show me the strength — or the limits — of what we have.

Maybe this anger will fade in a few hours or days. It usually does.
That’s exactly why I’m writing this now.

Because I don’t want to hide myself anymore.
I can’t.
From here on, I will meet you only at the frequency you meet me.

This isn’t me forcing u for an answer to choose me, give a verdict..nothing ...none of it
I genuinely feel these r basic human needs !
When in despair i said ok i won't expect anything from u ..u only said...frndz won't expect anything?
I love u but these expectations were from a frnd's need for ur presence
This is information ..about what your actions do to someone who genuinely cared, showed up, and waited.

Idk wat to do anymore
It just pains really really bad