Unsent messages to JESS

I thought I was okay. I thought I was over it. Well not over it perusay in the sense that I was done loving you. The almost opposite; I thought that I was strong enough to love her and you and her for you. That my love for you was strong enough that if I wasn't enough than I was glad she was and it was okay. it is okay one way or another but you are occupying my thoughts again and you hadn't in the same way for awhile which kept on the "I'm okay" feeling. The "I'm happy for him" feeling. But what the fuck. I could say your name. I could talk about the past. I could see the new pictures of you and your new love if I wanted. But now it stings again. Why does it stings again? What changed? I thought being almost 500 miles away would help.

Why. Why. Why. WHY DID I DREAM OF YOU. WHY THAT DREAM.
Not to mention I rarely remember my dreams anymore and if I do they haven't been of you in a bit. Why did this one have to be so sweet? when you have had appearances before it hasnt been as beautiful or picturesque as this last one. I wish it was real.. I felt .. really happy. But I woke myself up. It was a melancholy morning that day. I thought I was past this.

i hope you know i still have feelings for you, and still hoping you come back i miss you. i have tried to forget you, nobody compares to you. you’re the most amazing person in the most simplest ways.

i miss you, i tried to reach out but i felt so stupid and like i was annoying you. i just wish i could go back and redo things, maybe then we'd be together

I’ll never understand how everything could change just like that, but just know that nothing changed for me. I will love you forever and always. We’ll roam the earth with Ascot endlessly in my dreams.

you deserve the world, and i'm sorry i couldn't give it to you. i know your worth but i don't know mine.

i love u sm and ur so beautiful. i’m so proud of u, blue had always reminded me of u i think it’s cuz of ur eyes. also kinda red but i think blue more. i hope we’ll hug again soon.

listen I know it sounds stupid but do you still like me? it's just that you said so that one time, then you ghosted me.

Happy Thanksgiving , wish you and everyone in your family the best. I hope you and your girlfriend got to see the family , even when I was awkward it still was special to me to be apart of your families holiday's. Thought of you today.

Doesn’t it get exhausting being so goddamn pissy all the time? Your mood swings are giving me whiplash, and I’m am officially turned off and no longer interested in your fucking mess.

I’m not going to stoop to the sad level of trying to hurt you. I want more for self and my soul. Goodluck with that though ?

i wish i could kill you then tie to you a cieling fan at your funeral and make you swing around while "i like to move it movie it' is playing on max volume

I started to get realer feelings for you but you couldn’t let your past go and instead made our future apart of it

Im so happy I randomly met u that day and the fact that we hit it off nicely. Im so glad u introduced me to the one ive now fallen in love with im so thankful ive met u and have been able to make u happy.

i fucking loved you sm man. now i really do get why ppl say j’s are toxic. this is fr right person wrong time. there’s sm more i wanna say to you but can’t because you don’t care at all lol. i miss you please come back.

I don’t miss you and I never will. But I will always miss the way you made me feel when you loved me too.

sometimes i wonder if you're friends with me because you like me or because i'm the only friend you have that listens to the same music. it shouldn't bother me but it does. im sorry.

You said that you would come back but you never did, you took a piece of me that I can never get back

I will always love you even though you screwed me over I cannot get over you how hard I try and it breaks my heart

you promised me you’d love me forever, we’d live happily ever after. where did beating me fall into that?

Even if your first response was "good" and a laugh , were you actually glad to hear I was going to leave? Wish it wasn't the way it was and I could say goodbye like it matters.

last one because I have done WAY too many of these tonight. I dont know. I read the messages under my name and tonight was the first night that I saw any of them. I cant say any of them were truly from you I guess but its almost like there were a bunch that I could hear your voice in , or were too similar to us and whats happened that I did think it was you. Well, I just found a very very long one. that one hurt the very most to read. I dont know if you look under your own name or if all of this , you , these if its all wishful thinking but if you do read this im sorry for what I put you through and I am so glad that you are okay and now im realizing even more things now than before and im crying at this point. wow.

last one because I have done WAY too many of these tonight. I dont know. I read the messages under my name and tonight was the first night that I saw any of them. I cant say any of them were truly from you I guess but its almost like there were a bunch that I could hear your voice in , or were too similar to us and whats happened that I did think it was you. Well, I just found a very very long one. that one hurt the very most to read. I dont know if you look under your own name or if all of this , you , these if its all wishful thinking but if you do read this im sorry for what I put you through and I am so glad that you are okay and now im realizing even more things now than before and im crying at this point. wow.

i need your advice about my dad. I can hear you now saying "surprise,surprise" but im scared and I miss your help

wish you could be here before the house is gone and I lose this too. so many memories and its lonely sleeping here without you just want the chance to run out into our drive way to hug you as you pull up before its no longer our driveway anymore. 2 maybe 3 days left and counting.

im glad I texted you the other night, but I wanted to say it out loud, perferably in person were you could see how what I was telling you was the truth , so you could hear how seriously I meant what I had to tell you. I knew you were going to say no, but I dont know why. I can guess but Im not sure its because you hate me anymore. so why is it? I've been worried today I realized it was because I was worried I had said too much and upset you, or overstepped the boundaries of what was appropriate for me to say. and because I chose now to talk does that mean that it is now over for good? I dont want that if im just being honest. but I am trying so hard to be right by you whatever that means this time. so even regardless of whatever I feel im only trying to show my love through the support of yours to her. I love you, I want you to be happy, it feels selfish of me to say that and still wish it was me though. It probably is. im working on it.

I want to know who the little birdies are that have been telling you that I say hurtful things or I feel anything but love for you even now. All the advice I have been given is to just move on or get with someone else and I shut it down everytime and have made it clear that you are still my person at least in my own heart. I know you dont hate me. yes I know you are happy with her. you were not the toxic one i was. yes i blamed everything on you or whoever else. I made things so hard I really did. I know. I wish I hadnt been so insecure that I was jealous of every goddamn thing you did , my head was so fucked up then I cant even figure myself out I dont know how you did so good with me. I wish I had valued the people in your life the way I do now , even though it feels like I shouldnt be allowed to at this point. I wouldnt say im depressed but it does hurt when I think about how you said you are glad that it turned out this way, or how much happier WE are now with our lives, jesse, im sure you are and im so so glad for you for it but the worst part about reaching this mental clarity about everything is realizing how awful I was, how better I am now , and worst of all how I cant fix any of it or have you here to maybe finally make you proud of me. so yes I suppose not being a psycho-bitch (lol) has its perks , but I am by no means happier without you in my life. I still think of you everyday, see things that I want to show you, forget at the gas station that I dont need to buy the almond hershey bars anymore , and I forget how much I loved how I could tell when you were close to home because I could hear your car engine over a mile away. theres nights all I want is to hear that damn car engine, or to rub your b***s for fucks sake. im trying to say I miss you. even when Im no longer a psycho im still a rambler

I just wish I knew then what I know now and changed before it was too late , before I had made a mess and broken what was our life. I could never tell you it , but I really wish I was her. I miss you, and us, the laughs and even you laying flat on top and crushing my airways. I'd rather suffocate from you being here than being alone with the love I still have for us while wondering if she is giving you more than I ever could.

Hey bubs... Thank you for this. I had to learn to love myself. I know I’ll love the next one better because of you. I just wish it was you.
I don’t regret meeting you. I wish I could do it again actually.
xoxo

I’ve never liked someone like you before, ever. I don’t even know what it is but I want to be with you forever.

I love you so much and I wouldn’t take back meeting you for the world even though some parts weren’t perfect.

Hey CP,
Thank you for being the greatest friend i could ask for, i love you more then words can explain.

There are not a lot of people who truly hurt me. Congratulations on being one. Don’t bother reaching out in the future. You deserve each other.

I cried about you for the first time in a while. How do you stop trying to talk to someone when you just wanted to see them before you left?

i love you. youre just so amazing. so glad to call you my best friend. the only bad thing i can say is that sometimes youre distant. but its alright xx.

I'm sorry for the pain. You were the greatest gift in my life and I will always love you. I just wish we had more Time. Xxx

I’m really scared I’m going to end up hurting you. But you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and you deserve the world. I love you Jessie baby.

I genuinely felt blessed to have found someone who I could call my bub, my best friend and my person, all rolled into one. It was heartbreaking to have that torn away in the blink of an eye, but I’m slowly beginning to accept that it just wasn’t our time. Hopefully you never feel the same hurt and confusion you caused me, because I genuinely wish you all the happiness in the world. I know you’ll find it one day. I also know I did the right thing by taking a step back to concentrate on school and bettering my mental health, but common sense doesn’t fill the you-shaped hole in my heart. I really miss you. I really do. I know I was always too proud to admit it, but I miss you with every fibre of my being. Every day feels a little bit emptier without your laughter, because absolutely nobody compares. Nobody makes me feel so safe, secure and worthy of love. I’ll never forget you or what we had, and I solemnly promise to love you for forever and a day. I just didn’t realise our ‘forever’ would arrive so soon. I hope we find each other again one day bubba, but until then, take care :)

ur actually the most funny person i've ever met and i never want to not be friends with you ever again. looking forward to bea

I changed for you, you just won’t give me another chance, if you knew how much I could do right this time then we can be happy

I love you. That’s something I’ve never been able to say to you or anyone, because I know you’ll never love me back. But I’ll always keep hoping that maybe someday that will change.