Unsent messages to JESS

I realised I hadn't loved you in a while, I'm glad it ended, but I'm sorry.

You are doing so well now, I’m proud of you despite how much people bring you down. <3

i am sorry for all your pain, you’ll grow and heal, i promise.

i miss you sissy i'm scared to forget you. i love you

I hate myself for having fun without you

thank you.

ill wait for you in paris angel, i hope you come.

You’re pretty ;)

Thank you for being here again, i missed you when apart

i miss you. why did you have to end it
:(

you saved my life.

you hurt me so much and you don’t even know. i still love u tho

ur so cool and the prettiest person ive ever seen

You loved me but I didn't always feel loved.

LOVE YOU SO FREAKING MUCH FOR REALZIES NO JOKE.

jessa i miss you ur my moon

I wish I would have asked you sooner. I wish I wasn’t so afraid.

I will never forgive you for what you did to me.

i missed this site

you are so perfect and i love you so so so much... and i have never loved anyone so that's saying something. please spend the rest of your life with me or i will be upset

You chose her then came back when it never worked out, yet i was still there for you. How can you act like thats okay?

i’m in love with you. i’m sorry i can’t tell you in person, but you’re my best friend, my one and only at times.

Hey, hope you’re doing well. Sorry i haven’t been such a good friend recently. Just know I love you still and if ya wanna talk you can

And break up with him. He deserves whatever he gets he kills himself and the world is one down an evil person

i was rem and your misa fuck I loved you so much but I can’t do it anymore. I put everything I could into you and you stabbed me in the back nothing you tell me is real

fuck you, i dont know why i call you my friend , you are so toxic and everything you do hurts me so much , i have cried too many tears over you thinking you were going to end it all , i would much rather have no friends than you as my friend any longer

I think you are my soulmate. I enjoy talking to you, I will wait for you even if it means I will have to wait till you are old and wrinkly

you, you are the feeling of trying and failing to hold in a smile or laughing at a stupid joke for a little too long you are the warmth of the sun on the back of my neck when summer tries to suffocate me you are the emptiness that sits on my chest on the days you don’t reply and you are the best friend i could ask for. love me for as long as you want me because i will love you until i die

i really didn’t wanna keep you waiting but i just didn’t know how to tell you. i didn’t wanna be just an ‘quarantine love’ :( you’re too perfect and i can’t keep up with you.

Thank you for everything. You mean so much to me then and now. I feel so special to have been able to love you like that and hopefully to have been loved by you too in a similar way. I struggle most wondering what I could have meant to you. Worried you meant far much more to me. Either way. I owe a lot to you, growth , the memories , lessons. many things. I'll always have a home for you in my heart for you. If there's ever a time... come back to me? If it's supposed to be in sure it will. I'll never not want to hear your voice or see you. Even if it's just to hear from you I'll be around. You're special to me. Really. Really. Special. I hope you know it in your own heart and the girl you are with or any others after... I hope they realize it too. It's like you were a special penny that got put onto my path for me , but oh man did it fuck shit up , haha , but it was beautiful and romantic in a lot of ways before it got sad and ugly. It's really hard to think of letting go, I never wanted to. But .. I don't know what to do. I still can't think of having someone else? It feels like cheating? I know I gave you my heart but when everything was over I thought my heart would come back to me.. and its taking a long time. Having to rebuild one on my own over here.

I have one memory I can't stop replaying. It was the night in the hotel for my birthday. You spent the night with me, the part I play over and over though is in the bath , when it was late , the room was dark , and I wasn't trying to seem cool anymore , most of the alcohol had warn off and I relaxed. You had the TV on and we laying in the bath together. You watched the news and I got to lay on your chest and run my fingers against your chest. You made it clear you didn't want me to be emotional. Get too close. That's why I would drink so much. I thought I would be able to hold it together better for some reason , or maybe just that it would hurt less. But you let me hold you that night in the bath , you held me back and I felt really okay in that moment. It hurt after. But you let me have that moment. Im really grateful for it.

you broke me but i’d take you back in a heartbeat princess. it’s been two years now and i just want to hold you again x

you deserved so many better things in life and im truly sorry that i treated you like that. our time together was short but i never forgot you.
archie

I posted something for you last night. I don't think it went through. I was trying to tell you that I hope this year gives you everything you could ever want and more. I love you , you deserve it! Did you have a good night last night ringing in the new year? I hope so. Although, I had to laugh last night when I remembered your old bedtime being ten pm lol. Did you stay up anyways? If you did I hope you had someone to kiss. Wish it could've still been me and you as the ball dropped. But it's okay.

im sorry im so bad at commitment. im trying by my ex messed with my head so badly I don't if i can. im sorry you have to deal with me but im glad you put up with me. ur cute.
please don't be hurt if i stop trying.

You made me question everything. I don’t know if I love you, but my soft spot for you is fucking strong.

I made it back to my dads. It was hard to leave again. Not just the place or having seen you or revisiting places but leaving my mom all over again. After thinking so much about you over these last several months and what it would be like to see you again , now that I have I don't know how to feel. I wanted to hear from you I wanted to see you , I wanted to hear you call me my old nickname and I wanted a hug. But having it feel semi out of context and not planned but super spur of the moment , the fact it happened made me feel semi lost again. I didn't think being back around there would make me sad but it did because it made me remember what I had left. I drove past your house and tried not to look too hard because it's sad I don't get to go anymore and all the memories still come flooding back in everytime. I went to the reservoir and I let myself cry for just a minute too . But I couldn't leave without going. I'm so glad you can reach out to me and be as nice as you always are if you need something, I'm glad I was able to be in your presence and things went mostly well. I'm glad you felt like you could hug me and ask me questions and trust me on things. But does that come from feeling nothing for me anymore? Or feeling something still? I don't know how tight I hugged you back I tried to be as loose as I could to protect boundaries but goddammit that's all I have wanted for a long time and if things were different I would have hugged you a lot harder. I couldn't even look at your face really because I was so scared my heart would break. So worried I'd see nothing in your eyes or worse I'd look at you and be sad having your face fresh in my mind again when you aren't even mine. Even worse Im so scared it could be both. I think I looked at you too much. I hope atleast I looked happy. I know I'm working myself up emotionally but seeing you guys, being there. It's all I have been thinking about since and I just keep analyzing the whole experience. Good and bad. It was pretty emotional for me when I didn't expect it to be as much. I wasn't planning on doing that
it just .. happened and I rolled with it. And at times when I was there I caught myself being anxious and acting a certain way and tried to stop. I tried to relax and just be me. Not whatever anxious crap I was doing. At one point I realized I'd been staring at you and I got embarrassed. At one point even I realized I had the stress hives and could feel that my face was hot and more than likely bright red from blushing out of embarrassment. I tried to hide my stress hives on my chest with my jacket. during other times your friend made me so unbelievably uncomfortable and I just felt so unwelcome and that I had made a really REALLY bad choice coming. I wanted to leave earlier but I was hoping maybe it would get better. I don't know if it ever really did. So I got up got my stuff and waiting outside for the rest of the time till my ride got there. Maybe I let myself down a bit allowing myself to day-dream the perfect scenarios too much. Christmas for sure was special but it was harder on me for sure being the first year without you in it. As much as I'm glad I'm growing. As much as I appreciate the chances I'm getting right now I go back to thinking sometimes about how different everything is from the way I had expected it to be at this time and it's sad and scary for me. Trying not to dwell on it though and keep pushing forward. I have to succeed you know. Growth isn't easy. It fucking hurts and it's sad and scary. I really miss you. I love you so much still. Im glad I could reach out to your mom. And I hope you did infact tell your other set of parents how I wished them a Merry Christmas. I wish everyone knew how much I truly cares about them. It's sad when I think that they aren't my "family" anymore though. When I came out of all the nasty stuff after we broke up everything just hit my in the face like a ton of bricks and I realized truly how awful I'd been for how long and to how many people , none who deserved any of my ugliness. I tried to mend it all. I hope people know how much I love them. How sorry I am. When I worked on myself all that time I felt really really great better than meds great. But now as time goes on and it's time to talk my larger issues (meaning the reoccurring, the drinking , smoking , eating , and even the continued mental ones) I'm wanting to go into meds again. It's time. I really do acknowledge that even if I have gotten better than I was I could be doing even better than that. And that's all I'm trying to do for myself. Just keep going. Always keep improving. I may not like the fact I need the meds but seeing how ugly things can be how much I can lose. I need to take care of myself. And there's always the desire to make you proud when I couldn't before. I know that all of this sounds so simpy. I'm not saying it isn't. But that is why I worry about if you know these things about me. How I feel. That you could easily take advantage. I know deep inside you are an amazing person who wouldn't hurt me like that but I'm really scared of it no matter what because of how strongly I feel. I hope that makes sense.

I have 47 photos, 2 videos and hundreds of texts from you. I’m going to start deleting them and visualize all the ways you broke me. Hopefully I don’t miss you after you are gone. It hurts, but I know you are poison. I wish it didn’t hurt so much. Especially because I know you don’t give a flying fuck about me and you were just an illusion.

I think a lot about what it would be like to go to that place we said we would move to together. I mean. I said I would go on my own and I probably will. I even told you when I saw you , being worried you would be upset about me going to YOUR place. Your friend made something out of it telling me I only wanted to go in hopes of seeing you. That wasn't the case. I'm not nicholas sparks and I didn't expect it to be like a movie. I only wanted to experience the place you loved so much, and the place we had planned to visit and or live eventually. I really did want it to be with you. A lot of my thoughts changed when we were over for good. But the idea of you being my person never faltered. I can't picture things unless it's me alone or it you with me. Sad. I think of what it would be like to drop it all and go. Together. It never mattered what people thought, it matters even less now. It is my life. It could be ours if you ever wanted it to be. It is my fantasy though. To go disappear. Not to go back in time as if none of it happened but to move forward as if it all did, and we GREW. I'd love to do that with you. I mentioned something like it once. I called it fairy tales and rainbows. You said then that love like that didn't exist, but it does for me. If you asked I would go in a heartbeat even just to get a to know the man you are now and to have an adventure. If we loved each other then, which I believe we did, Id love us now. I don't regret growing up in that sense with you, only that I behaved so poorly. You truly gave me a beautiful taste of adult life and it holds my best memories thus far. At this point though I'm only rambling about the life I wish we could have. Its a sweet and sad fantasy I catch myself painting in my mind time to time. If it wasn't obvious now is one of those times.

Do you ask ME for help because you know I love you and would do anything you ask of me. Or, because the trust is genuine. Do you not have that for anyone else? I find that hard to fathom with the friend list I know you have. Or even the amazing girlfriend I have heard so much about. I would bend over backwards to try and give you the world, I honestly would, no question about it. I love you to an extent I didn't know I could. And you were my biggest loss, it still feels that way after all this time. I would like to think that this time was needed , the breakup I mean (for the both of us , I was too far off the deep end and you needed a genuine break) especially seeing how much I have grown and bettered as a person. However it always comes back to you. I want to think that you trust in me genuinely , that you do care, no matter the rumors I've heard. It crushed my heart to bits being told the love from you wasn't real, but you never said it to my face so how can I take those rumors fully to heart. No matter what I have stood my ground when it comes to my feelings for you. Cut people out because of it. I will love you till I'm finished and I refuse to brush it away as if it wasn't truly there for me. You were my biggest regret, but because of how I treated you at the end. I can wish all I want to have known better then but all I can do is learn more now. I haven't tried with anyone else. The desire really isn't there. Even though for some reason the most popular topic of discussion seems to always bring up my love life (sorry it's pretty non existent) I needed to work on me then and Ill continue to work on me now. It makes me a bit sad when I think you could be using me and my feelings for you to an advantage. I almost was blunt and ballsy enough to ask the other night if that were the case, but I caught myself because it felt far too inappropriate of a question especially after I had once already brought up the past earlier in conversation. I don't know what and all has been said. I wish I could openly tell you now. Too inappropriate for a taken man though. Love you.

i love you v v much and i regret all the decisions i made. i hope you understand why i broke up with you, i mean you made me extremely happy but if i couldn’t even make myself happy what was the point. and yeah we tried being just friends but that didn’t work either, that was just very toxic and that’s why i have decided to let go. it’s better for the two of us to try and move on, and maybe we will reconnect in the future or in another lifetime. i hope your doing well. i love you with all my heart

You have no idea how happy am I that I found out you are a psychopath before I gave up everything for U

I think it's great you make me pick up on things I have to work on. Sounds odd but it goes back to the beginning where I started. Seeing you, my inner thoughts, the being anxious about how I came off. The impressions. That's still insecurities. Better than I was and I already knew there's so much room to continue growing. I'm just glad you do that for me. Not just what I need to do to help myself, you gave me subtle compliments too without meaning to , the trust thing was huge for me. That you said you trusted me 100% to help you. But I'm confused. Why me after all this time? If it is just to save the money vs. going to an professional why not ask someone else? why me , ya know? Im sure it was weird to see me same as it was weird for me to see you. Difference is I didn't think you would want to ever hear my voice , see me in person. That's what your friend made it out to be. He told me so many times you couldn't care less. But you said something about my mom , what she thought about me leaving. And you were surprised she would want me to go. Subtle compliment too , unless it just had something to do with the "she's going to lose her mind while she is away" thing I was told came up and you were surprised my mom thought it was a good idea to send "a crazy girl" off on her own. I'm not sure anymore. I felt out of line for asking about who shared the gossip I shouldn't have brought up the past like that. It just slipped out because I felt comfortable at that moment and forgot the situation. I'm sorry for that. I wish I could hear your side of the story. Good and bad and gutted. Ya know? I would like to know what you thought tonight.

I didn't think today would go the way it did. Asking to come over was a quick decision , I wasn't really thinking it through , but I thought the worst that could happen is I wouldn't be welcome. And it seemed like I was (atleast.. you gave me the okay while your friend was sexualizing everything and making me uncomfortable) but in the end I came over. It was actually really nice to be there all at the same time Except for the tension and aggression from you know who. He really hates how much I still care or how I wanted to be nice to you as much as I could (I was so worried about what to expect from you) He wants me to be over it , over you and be all his. Even if I was over you though, I never would be his. And I realize now I can't really be close to that anymore , in all the ways your friend is already toxic having some twisted love fantasy does make things worse. And I wonder about everything he has said and wondering if it was part of some sick manipulative game to try and win me from you.To be honest though I thought it was the perfect opportunity to be there so I wouldn't get trapped alone. I don't know if you guys talk about me , I don't know if he has made any illusions to you about what has been going on. I didn't want to be there alone and get stuck by myself. But whereas I thought you would be in the corner or not there at all by the time I arrived you really surprised me by talking to me and giving me that hug, even though it wasn't in any sort of way, it was nice of you. I tried to just be human , relaxed but I worry I gave off the wrong kind of energies , you always said I was terrible at first impressions so maybe you know enough about me to guess what I was feeling. And for us that was very close to a first impression , it's been months. A lot has changed. I know it doesn't matter to anyone but I wanted to look and act how I feel , I wanted it to be clear id grown , worked on myself and how most importantly I just feel good inside. Even if some of the pieces are still missing.

How is it I could be so happy to research light bulbs? Haha it's so silly and stupid and I'm really not sure why you asked ME , it made me feel so special, like you trusted my input I guess? maybe it shouldn't have made me feel special. Maybe you were just too tired to Google it on your own, who knows? But I was so happy and I guess that's lame. But I got to tell you Merry Christmas !! It made me so freaking happy!! I miss you and I'll always have a special love for you , Im such a loser lol . I'm glad you asked me to look up the light bulbs, whatever the reason for it was. I hope you really are okay. It was weird to hear from you again, almost in a sad way because I don't know how you feel about me or what you think. I hope you don't think bad about me. Glad I helped with something , that I was helpful to you. It made me feel really good and really happy.

i can’t imagine my life without you, so i’m going to stay quite about how i feel because you probably don’t feel the same

god it hurts every day i've been without you. you left, all of a sudden with no explanation and no answers and i have to try understand what happened. i'm losing my mind.

Postcard from the halfway to nowhere checkpoint:

Thinking of you. I guess not sure what to say. I still feel for you. It's all happy thoughts. Being away for awhile has been good for me I think , to stop seeing "our" places so much. I drove those back roads too much. When I do go back and you won't be there it will probably be hard on me a little bit. Not being "home" makes it feel like a vacation and not separation. Logical mind knows our house isn't our house, and you won't be there for Christmas. But late at night or when I'm daydreaming I forget for a few seconds. You were out of my mind for awhile when being here was fresh and exciting but this last little while you've been popping back up again. I used to think of it as doing Good vs. Bad. Think of you and your girlfriend and being happy for you = good. Thinking of memories we had and being happy to share them in conversation (almost) painlessly = good. But I felt like missing you and still wanting you back , the dreams about us meeting and fixing our issues = bad. Not sure what's good or bad anymore. As a side note. I've been wanting to make one of these again for awhile. But I felt that was another bad habit. And on top of it all I feel like I've been manipulated through these, or through conversations with shared friends. Taking a step back for awhile may help. Wanted to get this out there first. I hope you have a Merry Christmas. ❤️

heyo, i love you man a lot and care about you a lot, we havent seen eatchother in a while and imu but hopefully soon. stay rad

I know you don't care. I know you'll never see this. But it still helps to pretend I'm going to you. That you are there. Which is pretty pathetic if I think about it too much but I'll go with it for as long as it works for me. Love you, goodnight.

Too many things are happening all at once. I don't want to be in control of ANYONES feelings not yours not your best friends. I don't want to lose anyone the way I lost you and it would have been different if I didn't know his true feelings but now I have a confirmation and it just adds to the list of things I'm trying to ignore. I want to be okay on my own I don't want to hurt anyone anymore but what about now when hurting and losing someone may be connected. We used to be able to talk about him together. And anyways I didn't have to deal with this when I was with you. Too many feelings. I just want to feel relaxed. That's why Im traveling and not settling down to freely keep roaming and what am I supposed to do now. It just comes to a point sometimes and my cynical side would like to shut down all the sensitive people or all the feeling-y related-ness but my lonely side is scared if I do that and am truly alone that I may not be happy by myself. And regret shutting so many people out and that's my fucked up mess. I wish I wasn't so fucking scared all the goddamn time. Holy shit.