Unsent Messages

Too many things are happening all at once. I don't want to be in control of ANYONES feelings not yours not your best friends. I don't want to lose anyone the way I lost you and it would have been different if I didn't know his true feelings but now I have a confirmation and it just adds to the list of things I'm trying to ignore. I want to be okay on my own I don't want to hurt anyone anymore but what about now when hurting and losing someone may be connected. We used to be able to talk about him together. And anyways I didn't have to deal with this when I was with you. Too many feelings. I just want to feel relaxed. That's why Im traveling and not settling down to freely keep roaming and what am I supposed to do now. It just comes to a point sometimes and my cynical side would like to shut down all the sensitive people or all the feeling-y related-ness but my lonely side is scared if I do that and am truly alone that I may not be happy by myself. And regret shutting so many people out and that's my fucked up mess. I wish I wasn't so fucking scared all the goddamn time. Holy shit.