Hey bubs... Thank you for this. I had to learn to love myself. I know I’ll love the next one better because of you. I just wish it was you.
I don’t regret meeting you. I wish I could do it again actually.
xoxo

I think it's great you make me pick up on things I have to work on. Sounds odd but it goes back to the beginning where I started. Seeing you, my inner thoughts, the being anxious about how I came off. The impressions. That's still insecurities. Better than I was and I already knew there's so much room to continue growing. I'm just glad you do that for me. Not just what I need to do to help myself, you gave me subtle compliments too without meaning to , the trust thing was huge for me. That you said you trusted me 100% to help you. But I'm confused. Why me after all this time? If it is just to save the money vs. going to an professional why not ask someone else? why me , ya know? Im sure it was weird to see me same as it was weird for me to see you. Difference is I didn't think you would want to ever hear my voice , see me in person. That's what your friend made it out to be. He told me so many times you couldn't care less. But you said something about my mom , what she thought about me leaving. And you were surprised she would want me to go. Subtle compliment too , unless it just had something to do with the "she's going to lose her mind while she is away" thing I was told came up and you were surprised my mom thought it was a good idea to send "a crazy girl" off on her own. I'm not sure anymore. I felt out of line for asking about who shared the gossip I shouldn't have brought up the past like that. It just slipped out because I felt comfortable at that moment and forgot the situation. I'm sorry for that. I wish I could hear your side of the story. Good and bad and gutted. Ya know? I would like to know what you thought tonight.

I just wish I knew then what I know now and changed before it was too late , before I had made a mess and broken what was our life. I could never tell you it , but I really wish I was her. I miss you, and us, the laughs and even you laying flat on top and crushing my airways. I'd rather suffocate from you being here than being alone with the love I still have for us while wondering if she is giving you more than I ever could.

I want to know who the little birdies are that have been telling you that I say hurtful things or I feel anything but love for you even now. All the advice I have been given is to just move on or get with someone else and I shut it down everytime and have made it clear that you are still my person at least in my own heart. I know you dont hate me. yes I know you are happy with her. you were not the toxic one i was. yes i blamed everything on you or whoever else. I made things so hard I really did. I know. I wish I hadnt been so insecure that I was jealous of every goddamn thing you did , my head was so fucked up then I cant even figure myself out I dont know how you did so good with me. I wish I had valued the people in your life the way I do now , even though it feels like I shouldnt be allowed to at this point. I wouldnt say im depressed but it does hurt when I think about how you said you are glad that it turned out this way, or how much happier WE are now with our lives, jesse, im sure you are and im so so glad for you for it but the worst part about reaching this mental clarity about everything is realizing how awful I was, how better I am now , and worst of all how I cant fix any of it or have you here to maybe finally make you proud of me. so yes I suppose not being a psycho-bitch (lol) has its perks , but I am by no means happier without you in my life. I still think of you everyday, see things that I want to show you, forget at the gas station that I dont need to buy the almond hershey bars anymore , and I forget how much I loved how I could tell when you were close to home because I could hear your car engine over a mile away. theres nights all I want is to hear that damn car engine, or to rub your b***s for fucks sake. im trying to say I miss you. even when Im no longer a psycho im still a rambler

im glad I texted you the other night, but I wanted to say it out loud, perferably in person were you could see how what I was telling you was the truth , so you could hear how seriously I meant what I had to tell you. I knew you were going to say no, but I dont know why. I can guess but Im not sure its because you hate me anymore. so why is it? I've been worried today I realized it was because I was worried I had said too much and upset you, or overstepped the boundaries of what was appropriate for me to say. and because I chose now to talk does that mean that it is now over for good? I dont want that if im just being honest. but I am trying so hard to be right by you whatever that means this time. so even regardless of whatever I feel im only trying to show my love through the support of yours to her. I love you, I want you to be happy, it feels selfish of me to say that and still wish it was me though. It probably is. im working on it.

wish you could be here before the house is gone and I lose this too. so many memories and its lonely sleeping here without you just want the chance to run out into our drive way to hug you as you pull up before its no longer our driveway anymore. 2 maybe 3 days left and counting.

i need your advice about my dad. I can hear you now saying "surprise,surprise" but im scared and I miss your help

last one because I have done WAY too many of these tonight. I dont know. I read the messages under my name and tonight was the first night that I saw any of them. I cant say any of them were truly from you I guess but its almost like there were a bunch that I could hear your voice in , or were too similar to us and whats happened that I did think it was you. Well, I just found a very very long one. that one hurt the very most to read. I dont know if you look under your own name or if all of this , you , these if its all wishful thinking but if you do read this im sorry for what I put you through and I am so glad that you are okay and now im realizing even more things now than before and im crying at this point. wow.

last one because I have done WAY too many of these tonight. I dont know. I read the messages under my name and tonight was the first night that I saw any of them. I cant say any of them were truly from you I guess but its almost like there were a bunch that I could hear your voice in , or were too similar to us and whats happened that I did think it was you. Well, I just found a very very long one. that one hurt the very most to read. I dont know if you look under your own name or if all of this , you , these if its all wishful thinking but if you do read this im sorry for what I put you through and I am so glad that you are okay and now im realizing even more things now than before and im crying at this point. wow.

You have no idea how happy am I that I found out you are a psychopath before I gave up everything for U

i love you v v much and i regret all the decisions i made. i hope you understand why i broke up with you, i mean you made me extremely happy but if i couldn’t even make myself happy what was the point. and yeah we tried being just friends but that didn’t work either, that was just very toxic and that’s why i have decided to let go. it’s better for the two of us to try and move on, and maybe we will reconnect in the future or in another lifetime. i hope your doing well. i love you with all my heart

I’m not going to stoop to the sad level of trying to hurt you. I want more for self and my soul. Goodluck with that though ?

Do you ask ME for help because you know I love you and would do anything you ask of me. Or, because the trust is genuine. Do you not have that for anyone else? I find that hard to fathom with the friend list I know you have. Or even the amazing girlfriend I have heard so much about. I would bend over backwards to try and give you the world, I honestly would, no question about it. I love you to an extent I didn't know I could. And you were my biggest loss, it still feels that way after all this time. I would like to think that this time was needed , the breakup I mean (for the both of us , I was too far off the deep end and you needed a genuine break) especially seeing how much I have grown and bettered as a person. However it always comes back to you. I want to think that you trust in me genuinely , that you do care, no matter the rumors I've heard. It crushed my heart to bits being told the love from you wasn't real, but you never said it to my face so how can I take those rumors fully to heart. No matter what I have stood my ground when it comes to my feelings for you. Cut people out because of it. I will love you till I'm finished and I refuse to brush it away as if it wasn't truly there for me. You were my biggest regret, but because of how I treated you at the end. I can wish all I want to have known better then but all I can do is learn more now. I haven't tried with anyone else. The desire really isn't there. Even though for some reason the most popular topic of discussion seems to always bring up my love life (sorry it's pretty non existent) I needed to work on me then and Ill continue to work on me now. It makes me a bit sad when I think you could be using me and my feelings for you to an advantage. I almost was blunt and ballsy enough to ask the other night if that were the case, but I caught myself because it felt far too inappropriate of a question especially after I had once already brought up the past earlier in conversation. I don't know what and all has been said. I wish I could openly tell you now. Too inappropriate for a taken man though. Love you.

I think a lot about what it would be like to go to that place we said we would move to together. I mean. I said I would go on my own and I probably will. I even told you when I saw you , being worried you would be upset about me going to YOUR place. Your friend made something out of it telling me I only wanted to go in hopes of seeing you. That wasn't the case. I'm not nicholas sparks and I didn't expect it to be like a movie. I only wanted to experience the place you loved so much, and the place we had planned to visit and or live eventually. I really did want it to be with you. A lot of my thoughts changed when we were over for good. But the idea of you being my person never faltered. I can't picture things unless it's me alone or it you with me. Sad. I think of what it would be like to drop it all and go. Together. It never mattered what people thought, it matters even less now. It is my life. It could be ours if you ever wanted it to be. It is my fantasy though. To go disappear. Not to go back in time as if none of it happened but to move forward as if it all did, and we GREW. I'd love to do that with you. I mentioned something like it once. I called it fairy tales and rainbows. You said then that love like that didn't exist, but it does for me. If you asked I would go in a heartbeat even just to get a to know the man you are now and to have an adventure. If we loved each other then, which I believe we did, Id love us now. I don't regret growing up in that sense with you, only that I behaved so poorly. You truly gave me a beautiful taste of adult life and it holds my best memories thus far. At this point though I'm only rambling about the life I wish we could have. Its a sweet and sad fantasy I catch myself painting in my mind time to time. If it wasn't obvious now is one of those times.

You said that you would come back but you never did, you took a piece of me that I can never get back

I have 47 photos, 2 videos and hundreds of texts from you. I’m going to start deleting them and visualize all the ways you broke me. Hopefully I don’t miss you after you are gone. It hurts, but I know you are poison. I wish it didn’t hurt so much. Especially because I know you don’t give a flying fuck about me and you were just an illusion.

sometimes i wonder if you're friends with me because you like me or because i'm the only friend you have that listens to the same music. it shouldn't bother me but it does. im sorry.

you’re the most beautiful girl i’ve ever seen. everything about you is perfect. wish you were mine

You were the worst decision with the best smile

thank you for saving me. i owe you everything

To my moon: I miss you so so much, I’m sorry for everything, pop pop pop <3
Yes you <3

what sucks is everything i wish i had said, and now you’ll never hear.

i’ll always love you my darlin even though u don’t feel the same anymore, i miss everything about u

I'm sorry. I miss you. I just wish I could have changed sooner

sorry:(

two people too scared to tell each other they were in love. but i still am. and you aren’t.

You are doing so well now, I’m proud of you despite how much people bring you down. <3

I realised I hadn't loved you in a while, I'm glad it ended, but I'm sorry.

Why can’t I stop thinking about you.

You hurt me so much. All those years of friendship down the drain. I miss you

you’re such an awful person. yet i still miss you more than anything and i hate that

I’m happier with her. It’s time to move on

i missed this site

I will never forgive you for what you did to me.

I wish I would have asked you sooner. I wish I wasn’t so afraid.

jessa i miss you ur my moon

what are the chances…?

I wonder if you knew that I had a massive crush on you the whole time, beautiful green eyed girl

All I wanted was to feel wanted by you. I never wanted us to end. I will always love you so much.

You'd be proud of me. You're the first person I think of when I have any news. I miss you.

i wish i could go back and treat you better.
every day.

ending things was fair. i still miss you all the time though. i wish i hadn’t messed up

you’re the closest and sweetest person i’ve ever had. i love you so so so much.

I daydream about you constantly

LOVE YOU SO FREAKING MUCH FOR REALZIES NO JOKE.

Purple is your favourite colour. At least it was. I’m your favourite person. At least I was.

You loved me but I didn't always feel loved.

Sorry I was so awkward. And we didn’t talk much. Love you loser

Love me again.

I promise i'll be what you want this time.

In the darkness,
I saw you
And she was beautiful