Unsent Messages

Thank you for everything. You mean so much to me then and now. I feel so special to have been able to love you like that and hopefully to have been loved by you too in a similar way. I struggle most wondering what I could have meant to you. Worried you meant far much more to me. Either way. I owe a lot to you, growth , the memories , lessons. many things. I'll always have a home for you in my heart for you. If there's ever a time... come back to me? If it's supposed to be in sure it will. I'll never not want to hear your voice or see you. Even if it's just to hear from you I'll be around. You're special to me. Really. Really. Special. I hope you know it in your own heart and the girl you are with or any others after... I hope they realize it too. It's like you were a special penny that got put onto my path for me , but oh man did it fuck shit up , haha , but it was beautiful and romantic in a lot of ways before it got sad and ugly. It's really hard to think of letting go, I never wanted to. But .. I don't know what to do. I still can't think of having someone else? It feels like cheating? I know I gave you my heart but when everything was over I thought my heart would come back to me.. and its taking a long time. Having to rebuild one on my own over here.

I have one memory I can't stop replaying. It was the night in the hotel for my birthday. You spent the night with me, the part I play over and over though is in the bath , when it was late , the room was dark , and I wasn't trying to seem cool anymore , most of the alcohol had warn off and I relaxed. You had the TV on and we laying in the bath together. You watched the news and I got to lay on your chest and run my fingers against your chest. You made it clear you didn't want me to be emotional. Get too close. That's why I would drink so much. I thought I would be able to hold it together better for some reason , or maybe just that it would hurt less. But you let me hold you that night in the bath , you held me back and I felt really okay in that moment. It hurt after. But you let me have that moment. Im really grateful for it.