Unsent Messages

I made it back to my dads. It was hard to leave again. Not just the place or having seen you or revisiting places but leaving my mom all over again. After thinking so much about you over these last several months and what it would be like to see you again , now that I have I don't know how to feel. I wanted to hear from you I wanted to see you , I wanted to hear you call me my old nickname and I wanted a hug. But having it feel semi out of context and not planned but super spur of the moment , the fact it happened made me feel semi lost again. I didn't think being back around there would make me sad but it did because it made me remember what I had left. I drove past your house and tried not to look too hard because it's sad I don't get to go anymore and all the memories still come flooding back in everytime. I went to the reservoir and I let myself cry for just a minute too . But I couldn't leave without going. I'm so glad you can reach out to me and be as nice as you always are if you need something, I'm glad I was able to be in your presence and things went mostly well. I'm glad you felt like you could hug me and ask me questions and trust me on things. But does that come from feeling nothing for me anymore? Or feeling something still? I don't know how tight I hugged you back I tried to be as loose as I could to protect boundaries but goddammit that's all I have wanted for a long time and if things were different I would have hugged you a lot harder. I couldn't even look at your face really because I was so scared my heart would break. So worried I'd see nothing in your eyes or worse I'd look at you and be sad having your face fresh in my mind again when you aren't even mine. Even worse Im so scared it could be both. I think I looked at you too much. I hope atleast I looked happy. I know I'm working myself up emotionally but seeing you guys, being there. It's all I have been thinking about since and I just keep analyzing the whole experience. Good and bad. It was pretty emotional for me when I didn't expect it to be as much. I wasn't planning on doing that
it just .. happened and I rolled with it. And at times when I was there I caught myself being anxious and acting a certain way and tried to stop. I tried to relax and just be me. Not whatever anxious crap I was doing. At one point I realized I'd been staring at you and I got embarrassed. At one point even I realized I had the stress hives and could feel that my face was hot and more than likely bright red from blushing out of embarrassment. I tried to hide my stress hives on my chest with my jacket. during other times your friend made me so unbelievably uncomfortable and I just felt so unwelcome and that I had made a really REALLY bad choice coming. I wanted to leave earlier but I was hoping maybe it would get better. I don't know if it ever really did. So I got up got my stuff and waiting outside for the rest of the time till my ride got there. Maybe I let myself down a bit allowing myself to day-dream the perfect scenarios too much. Christmas for sure was special but it was harder on me for sure being the first year without you in it. As much as I'm glad I'm growing. As much as I appreciate the chances I'm getting right now I go back to thinking sometimes about how different everything is from the way I had expected it to be at this time and it's sad and scary for me. Trying not to dwell on it though and keep pushing forward. I have to succeed you know. Growth isn't easy. It fucking hurts and it's sad and scary. I really miss you. I love you so much still. Im glad I could reach out to your mom. And I hope you did infact tell your other set of parents how I wished them a Merry Christmas. I wish everyone knew how much I truly cares about them. It's sad when I think that they aren't my "family" anymore though. When I came out of all the nasty stuff after we broke up everything just hit my in the face like a ton of bricks and I realized truly how awful I'd been for how long and to how many people , none who deserved any of my ugliness. I tried to mend it all. I hope people know how much I love them. How sorry I am. When I worked on myself all that time I felt really really great better than meds great. But now as time goes on and it's time to talk my larger issues (meaning the reoccurring, the drinking , smoking , eating , and even the continued mental ones) I'm wanting to go into meds again. It's time. I really do acknowledge that even if I have gotten better than I was I could be doing even better than that. And that's all I'm trying to do for myself. Just keep going. Always keep improving. I may not like the fact I need the meds but seeing how ugly things can be how much I can lose. I need to take care of myself. And there's always the desire to make you proud when I couldn't before. I know that all of this sounds so simpy. I'm not saying it isn't. But that is why I worry about if you know these things about me. How I feel. That you could easily take advantage. I know deep inside you are an amazing person who wouldn't hurt me like that but I'm really scared of it no matter what because of how strongly I feel. I hope that makes sense.