Unsent messages to MARCEL

WHY WHY CAN'T I GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD WHY??

Hope you’re doing well sorry for leading you on

I would do anything to have you back. But you keep hurting me and hurting me. I know i’m not freaky and don’t match your energy, i’m sorry. But i feel like you’re the one i really do it kills me that i can’t talk to you when you block me because everything i think about involves you.

careful, if you keep pushing me away i just might hate myself enough to not come back no matter how much i love you.

do you think these memories are constantly on my mind as well? It’s all I think about but I also think about the fact that will never have that back, you’re not coming back to me and i guess i just need to accept that. I know there’s no moving on from you but there’s nothing else i can say, nothing more i can do

while i have a piece of your heart you have all of mine. it’s yours to do with as you please, but please if you’re not coming back to me set me free from the hurt, the pain, the missing you.

i understand, as much as it seems like I might not I really do. i get it and i know i ask for a lot of you but I do have to ask something else of you. Tell me something that’ll make me hate you. Tell me something that i’ll never forgive you for because I don’t know if i can do this anymore. You have my heart and i think you always will. but everyday i wake up and you’re not there, i break. and im tired of breaking. I understand that you’re not coming back, I really do. but I can’t make myself let go of you so I need you to make me. I need you to make me hate you.

earlier in your arms all i could think was wow this is where i truly belong. it doesn’t even matter anymore if my heart is not what you want because regardless of what i do, it is yours. there are so many things i want to say to you. so many times i wish i could just beg you to stay. beg you to hold on just a little tighter. everyday i wish i could ask you to just come sit with me as you did today. just to see your face everyday but my head is filled with unrealistic ideas of what we are when the truth is to me, you are a stranger who holds my heart and to you, i am just a girl. i fear i imagine things instead of just taking them at what they are and in the end all i am left with are tears and a name to cry out of a man who is not mine and who cannot stay.

that’s not why i leave my house unlocked lmao and you know as well as i couldn’t sit there as you read them. my thoughts are mine as well as yours

it’s okay to be stuck, it’s okay to be scared. i admire how hard you try for everything that you do. if you truly want to read the letters I will be gone tomorrow from 8-4, but I will leave the notebook on the bed with the bookmark in a place where I started you can take it if you’d like.

i don’t want to add to that struggle so i’ll go if you need me too, if it makes things easier for you. my heart burns with how much i miss you and my journal is filled with letters to you but i don’t care how unhappy it makes me, if you need me to go i will.

you used to make me into the best version of myself, into everything i want to be. you made me a better person. im sorry i broke us and im sorry i’ve tried to put us together again when it’s just not
happening

I don’t understand how you don’t know that there’s so much to look at, from the way your eyes wrinkle when you smile to the way your lip curls when you truly laugh. It is the exact reason I think of you in every quote i pin on my Pinterest

not anything for you to look at, but everything for me to. and about all that ass, it has shockingly gone missing. i miss talking to you

i can’t see the moves because you don’t have any, you physically cannot dance. at all. and of course i stare, there’s a lot to stare at.

well that’s why i gotta stare because i’m blind, duh. and i DOUBT you see every look, actually i know you don’t

I most definitely do not, ive recorded myself sleeping before so that i could know. and you most definitely do not have 20/20 vision with those glasses Urkel ?

i most certainly do not snore. and you couldn’t see through a glass window if you tried, sorry there bud.

FIRST OFF you always snore in my ear ? and i didn’t know you were suddenly aware when you were sleeping bc you do talk. and third if i tried to hid it your dumby butt would never notice. TR

i hated it when you snore in my ear but i like to listen to you talk in your sleep. we both know i’ll never be smooth with the staring but why would i stop. TR

facetiming you made me realize how much i missed you and strangely enough how much i missed watching you sleep. sadly no update on the MOUSE (because it’s not a freaking rat). hopefully soon i’ll know more

i know it’s a terrible thing of me to ask, to ask you to come back to me but that’s all i wish for. for us to be whole again, it’s what i want. and while i know i should not long for things that i want instead of that which longs for me i cannot help it. i want you, i want you at my side, i want to feel your love and for you to feel mine. i want you to believe that my feelings for you are genuine and to trust that all i have to give you is love. hopefully soon i will be allowed to show you. TR

i miss you. i know i should worry about losing you because i’ve already lost you but i do. i fear that you’ll never come back even though it’s what i want so badly. TR

i know it’ll seem hard to believe but without me you seemed at peace , happy even. I thought you were already long gone so i couldn’t let you believe i missed you because then i would just look like a fool. I wish so many times I hadn’t thought I’d known what was best, but i can’t change that now. TR

you said you weren’t ready for a relationship. i accepted that. you asked her out after a week. i’m glad your happy

i don’t think you’ll ever truly understand how hard that was for me to do. how much doing that broke me. you think i ever wanted to do it? i hated every second of it but i thought doing it was necessary to protect you. i don’t think i ever truly believed that i deserved you. i don’t think i ever will. TR

in my life I’ve learned the one way to get someone to leave you alone is to be cruel. Because if you are cruel no one wants to be around you. and the fact that you honestly believe I only ever loved you as a friend shows just how cruel I can be. i didn’t make that book out of love for a “friend”. I didn’t spend hours making gifts that I never gave you for a friend. I didn’t write stories about a future for us as a friend. but I did know I was hurting you and I knew that you wouldn’t let me go if you knew the truth. The truth that I loved you in more ways then just a friend but i was so very broken and i couldn’t put you through the endless nightmares and issues. i’ll admit the way I went about it was not healthy nor kind but you should know neither of those things apply to me. i knew you wouldn’t let me leave unless i hurt you. I had to do what I thought was necessary to truly get you to let me go because you deserve so much more. if you think I didn’t want to be at your side once more way back then you are wrong. But I knew if I took my place at your side I would cost you nothing but pain. you were never just a “friend” to me. maybe one day you’ll understand the need that I had to be cruel. TR

i wonder, why are you the person my thoughts drift towards, why even with tears rolling down my face, i think of you. why, even though i know we cannot be together, why. i so dearly wish we could. you don’t miss me but i miss you. you don’t love me but i love you. i don’t think you know how much i need you, but you will never need me like that. i’ll get over it, over you; one day. i will but until then, i guess i just have to miss you. i have to long for someone who doesn’t long for me, how cruel. maybe by the end of it all, i’ll never forgive you for the pain you cause me, i hope that is the case. i hope the pain i feel leads me to hate you like i wish i have been able to for so many months. i hope that one day i will realize how so very irreplaceable i was to you and that i hate you for it. i hope that day is soon. i hate so very many things but so far you are not yet one of them. i hope i can add you to that list one day. i hope one day i realize that i deserve someone that doesn’t find me quite so irreplaceable. but i have yet to get there. i have yet to deserve anything better. i have yet to start hating you even when you subtly nudge me forgetting that in doing so it just reminded me of when you truly pushed me into that door. for that i should hate you but i don’t. maybe one day all i will be able to remember is the anger i felt from you that day, but today i remember the love of before. i wish i didn’t. i wish i didn’t love you. TR

illl miss you until you find me again but i fear i only ever choose wrong. maybe when we come back together you’ll laugh at all the mistakes i’ve made or maybe you won’t think their funny at all. until then, i think i must just watch you accomplish your dreams from afar, i love you always. TR

i fear i must once again be the villain in your story, it’s not something i can do any longer. i care for you and i do love you still but i can’t sit here and long for you when i know you’re not coming. maybe deep down i knew i shouldn’t have started this. maybe that’s why i need to end this. i truly don’t want to, i would give nothing more then to continue this on forever. i would give nothing more then to love you forever. but i fear that we don’t always get what we want. I simply cannot let my heart break for you forever, i fear this has the power to ruin me and i don’t think that ruin is something i can survive. i love you always. TR

i don’t know how to do this, here i lay trying to sleep in a bed when all i can think of is the few nights you laid here with me. they are not enough, they will never be enough. TR

i look forward to getting to know the person you will become in two years or ten years or however long we will be apart. maybe then things will work out. i await the many memories yet to come, until then, i guess i’ll see you around. TR

That night like many others, I just wanted you there. I wanted to cry but only in your presence and when you just sat there silent but staring, i knew. maybe in 2, 4, or even 10 years we'll meet again. maybe by then we'll both be married with kids and just happen to see each other in passing at an airport. Maybe i'll even have the courage to go say hi. but by then i think we'll both know its too late. And maybe that is the story writing itself through the absence of each other. Maybe the book finishes with us each having a life of our own because what could have been was narrowly missed and all that is to be left is what is. TR

If none of that was from you then i have fooled myself once again into thinking that you cared for me even after everything that I have done. Its just a giant fools game that I play, Like Icarus, I flew to close to the sun and for it i got burned, I thought that maybe if you still loved me we could make it work but it is clear that you dont and maybe its time i stop looking to the past and i start looking to the future. I love you always marciemac.

I want to know I did love you when i got back, I just couldnt love only you and i felt like you deserved more than that. "Its not your fault that i ruined everything". If you happen to see this just know this is my goodbye. i dont want to be the reason for your unhappiness or the reason for issues with you and your girlfriend. For that and many other things i am truly sorry. You deserve to show the world the amazing person that you are without me holding you back. I am sorry for the ways that I hurt you

I know that u have a girlfriend but u r the first person who showed me how to love myself even if I hate myself.

give me a sign. talk to me. I can't stop thinking about you. every night we texted was something special :' )

I like you, but I'll never have the guts to say it. Every time we texted, my heart would always flutter. We don't talk much anymore, and even though we still say good morning and goodnight to each other, I want to talk to you again. I want to be more than just friends. And yes, I guess you did introduce me to Solo Leveling :' )

I wish I could be her, maybe then you'd give us another chance. Please stop ignoring me, I love you, okay?

I know it was bad timing. But it hurts so freaking much. I crave you in the most innocent form. I crave you in ways where I just want to be next to you and nothing more or less.

Hey man Idk if I‘m over you but I hope you‘re doing well and just wanted to say that I wish you only the best for your future and would really like to talk to you one more time just about random things and how you life is doing

I wish things be different, but they probably won’t be. I just want you to know, that I love you with all my heart and I’m just tired of doing everything on my own. I wish you the best, and I’ll be always for you, but we’ve never meant to be and I get it now. Maybe in another life things will be different.

I still sit in my room sometimes and cry thinking about how no man has seen me, touched me or been in me like you have. It kills me thinking how many girls you've treated like they are me now since we broke up. It's been a whole year almost since we broke up officially. It's crazy because i'm finally moving on from you but im also so scared to move on. I'm so used to being heartbroken over you, being sad, or being mad about you. Everything used to be about you and now im actually happy. I got my own apartment alone and a new job. I wish I could've shared these new and fun and proud moments with you but you gave up and wanted nothing to do with me. You were my everything at one point, Marcel. I pictured my whole life with you. I wanted to have your babies and meet your family. I told my mom all about you even though I lied to you and told you she didn't know. She knew. I told her I was in love with you. She was really upset at first because she knew no other guy had ever had me the way you did. I told her I was gonna introduce you guys soon and how I changed my mind because of you and actually wanted kids of my own. She knew how much I loved you. She held me when I wanted to die because you broke up with me through text. I curled up in a ball in the shower and yelled and screamed because I felt like part of me really went away and I couldn't handle it. I even told my dad about you. I really wanted you to be my forever. You went from childhood friend to my best friend and lover. You've done so many horrible things to me but I stayed because even when you just used me for sex even when you would only text me because your new girl didnt want to hook up I still was there because that was the only way I could see you. I knew every morning after you left or I left that I would have a depressive day or week but it was worth it because when we were together all I could feel was happiness. I loved how playful and how much we could laugh and tease each other. I really miss you rubbing my back. I don't remember what it sounds like to be called baby by you anymore. I don't know what the feeling of waking up and looking forward to your "good morning baby" text is like anymore. I don't think I'll be able to love someone like I loved you. No matter how much pain there was it would never overpower the love I had for you. My feelings were so fucking passionate towards you. I woke up today feeling weird because I think Im finally forgetting you. I don't feel empty or lonely or sad. I wake up feeling happy now and im scared Im going to forget you. You were the only thing that was RIGHT when everything else in my life was wrong. I'm no longer that broken girl I was when we were together. I hope you think of me when you eat pizza and hear me saying "picza". I'll always love you and you'll always be my one and only Marcel. Thank you for being my friend for 12 years. Thank you for not judging me for being broken. Thank you for finding me pretty. Thank you for allowing me to love you. Thank you for endlessly making me laugh. Thank you for all the music you put me on. Thank you for never letting me pay. Thank you for giving me hugs when I needed them. Thank you for making me feel safe. My dad never even made me feel safe like I did when you held me. Thank you for pushing me to do my homework when I didnt want to. Thank you for staying up later to talk to me when you didn't have to anymore. Thank you for being in my life the years that you were. Thank you for helping me learn how to pronounce words in english because you knew I was insecure about it haha. Thank you for always getting me when I would black out from drinking . Thank you for always letting me be a crackhead and buying me my NOS drinks. I love you. I really miss you. I miss our memories. I miss the way you smell so so so much. You would leave my room smelling like you for days.We had amazing memories and good times regardless of what has happened. Even though I still hurt I forgive you. (I picked red because you ended up choosing it as your favorite color because of me :* ) I love you and I'll love you in every lifetime

you and i were a mess, a crazy chaotic mess. somedays i think we could've made it if you loved as i loved you. thank you tho, you taught me how to love with all i have and i will always love you. see you in 17.5 years hun :)

its been about a year and a half probably two and when we get close for a period of time I hate how I get attached even knowing u don't want me more than just my body. I wish u knew what love was and that I was the first to show u what it felt like. You broke me in so many ways and I could never hate u and forever drop u and I hate it. I hate how u can make me so happy and so upset so easily and how easy it is for you to just leave. why wasn't I ever enough for you I tried so hard and in times when I didn't it felt like it didn't matter what I did I just never was going to be enough. I wish u left me sooner because seeing u have eyes on other girls while u were with me hurt like a bitch. You caused so much pain and yet I still can let myself get close to u again and again.