Unsent Messages

I still sit in my room sometimes and cry thinking about how no man has seen me, touched me or been in me like you have. It kills me thinking how many girls you've treated like they are me now since we broke up. It's been a whole year almost since we broke up officially. It's crazy because i'm finally moving on from you but im also so scared to move on. I'm so used to being heartbroken over you, being sad, or being mad about you. Everything used to be about you and now im actually happy. I got my own apartment alone and a new job. I wish I could've shared these new and fun and proud moments with you but you gave up and wanted nothing to do with me. You were my everything at one point, Marcel. I pictured my whole life with you. I wanted to have your babies and meet your family. I told my mom all about you even though I lied to you and told you she didn't know. She knew. I told her I was in love with you. She was really upset at first because she knew no other guy had ever had me the way you did. I told her I was gonna introduce you guys soon and how I changed my mind because of you and actually wanted kids of my own. She knew how much I loved you. She held me when I wanted to die because you broke up with me through text. I curled up in a ball in the shower and yelled and screamed because I felt like part of me really went away and I couldn't handle it. I even told my dad about you. I really wanted you to be my forever. You went from childhood friend to my best friend and lover. You've done so many horrible things to me but I stayed because even when you just used me for sex even when you would only text me because your new girl didnt want to hook up I still was there because that was the only way I could see you. I knew every morning after you left or I left that I would have a depressive day or week but it was worth it because when we were together all I could feel was happiness. I loved how playful and how much we could laugh and tease each other. I really miss you rubbing my back. I don't remember what it sounds like to be called baby by you anymore. I don't know what the feeling of waking up and looking forward to your "good morning baby" text is like anymore. I don't think I'll be able to love someone like I loved you. No matter how much pain there was it would never overpower the love I had for you. My feelings were so fucking passionate towards you. I woke up today feeling weird because I think Im finally forgetting you. I don't feel empty or lonely or sad. I wake up feeling happy now and im scared Im going to forget you. You were the only thing that was RIGHT when everything else in my life was wrong. I'm no longer that broken girl I was when we were together. I hope you think of me when you eat pizza and hear me saying "picza". I'll always love you and you'll always be my one and only Marcel. Thank you for being my friend for 12 years. Thank you for not judging me for being broken. Thank you for finding me pretty. Thank you for allowing me to love you. Thank you for endlessly making me laugh. Thank you for all the music you put me on. Thank you for never letting me pay. Thank you for giving me hugs when I needed them. Thank you for making me feel safe. My dad never even made me feel safe like I did when you held me. Thank you for pushing me to do my homework when I didnt want to. Thank you for staying up later to talk to me when you didn't have to anymore. Thank you for being in my life the years that you were. Thank you for helping me learn how to pronounce words in english because you knew I was insecure about it haha. Thank you for always getting me when I would black out from drinking . Thank you for always letting me be a crackhead and buying me my NOS drinks. I love you. I really miss you. I miss our memories. I miss the way you smell so so so much. You would leave my room smelling like you for days.We had amazing memories and good times regardless of what has happened. Even though I still hurt I forgive you. (I picked red because you ended up choosing it as your favorite color because of me :* ) I love you and I'll love you in every lifetime