Unsent messages to JULIAN

Dammit bruh. I cant stop missing you. Although we never dated I miss you so damn much. I miss the endless hours of talking to you. My heart fluttering every message sent. The secrets shared that we had kept silent. The secrecy of our relationship. The dirty little comments. The damn flirting. The constant flirting. You made me laugh and you r so cute. It been years since we last talked but I still miss you. I can't stand listening to my friends have crushes cuz I end up thinking abt u. And I end up going in circles convincing myself that u were bad aft what u did. But I cant help it. I don't know if I love you or if I just miss the ecstasy of falling in love. I hate u. But I miss u so much.

you deserve the world. i miss you, but i really dont want you back in my life. we were right for each other while we were. not anymore.

If you wanted to you would. You’re the first boy I ever loved. It hurts to think you never saw me that way. Nor you ever cared. Because you still long for her... I watched it all. How you never saw me in the room because your eyes were fixated on her. I almost got used to the loneliness I felt as I watch you look at her as if she’s the only girl in the world. I watch and I watch. I cry myself to sleep as I get reminded that I wasn’t enough. For you, your friends, your family. I wasn’t enough. I get it, you know? She’s beautiful. I hate that I cant even hate her because she’s the kind of person I wanted to be. Strong and beautiful. I get why you were so charmed by her— that’s the worst part. I thought supporting you throughout it all would make me forget that I’m so inlove with you. It didn’t. I thought I could just forget all about it. Everyday I tell myself “I’m fine I’m fine” as I imagine dancing with you under the stars and you kissing my cheeks while caressing my face. I find it hard to seek comfort from the presence of other people because they just remind me that I’m no longer with you. Merry Christmas, Julian. Thank you for the good times. I love you, I always will. You know that.

your soul is like no other. i want to be held in your arms forever. trapped in your gaze forever. your touch is so gentle. i love you more than yesterday and ill love you even more tomorrow.

i saw you and your girlfriend together. it hurt. you were never mine but i was always yours. i still am.

where do i begin?
you’re really good at drawing. You can go a long way with that type of talent. we kinda drifted, and we should definetly talk soon. if you’re up for it. hope you’re doing good. wish u the best

Things are getting a bit better now. I still wish you’re here though. All i want is to be by your side. You and me against the world typa thing. It’s been months, hasn’t it? I wonder if you think about me too. I wonder if you still remember me.

You're my best friend and I think I'm truly in love with you. I hope I never loose you. I wish you felt the same.

I am so in love with you, but you act like you love me and then you flirt with other girls, I don't want your indecision, I don't deserve that.

As my eating disorder gets worse my hair falls out and i bruise easily. I need you. But you dont need me.

I know how cold hearted and unapproachable I seem. And I know I can be dense sometimes. But you're my weakness. Always have been. I say to myself im over you, I'm over the wasted potential that we had, but it does keep me up at night. Do you ever think about what we could have been? If I wasn't so weak? We don't say much to each other asides from the daily ”how are you?” or ”what did you do today?” but I know deep down you knew. You knew that it wasn't gonna work but don't want to confront me about it. I've always liked that about you, how you care about your relationship with other people and how your actions may affect it. You've always been so kind. I wish you had more confidence, I know, easier said than done, but you're genuine about everything. That's what made you stand out from the rest. I hate myself for closing myself up, for not showing you how much I deeply care about you, but whenever I try to you push me away. I was stuck. I thought: you didn't need me, right? So what am I doing here still? I'm wasting your time and everybody’s time. Like beating a dead horse. It's not like you have to talk to me. We have nothing In common aside from the fact that we're both total introverts who like RnB music and cats. Other than that, what else? What else is there? Do you know how it feels like to know you're not wanted there? You can be so mean sometimes. I thought I'd forgotten it, but now that Christmas is coming up it made me think about you. And I probably will for a while. I stopped wishing you think about me too. But deep down I wish you do.

we talked. you hung out with me even when it put you out of your way. you paid attention to me for one day and then you threw me away like trash. you asked me for music recommendations and acted as if you cared. you asked me if I was okay with you going to sleep, and I wasn't because all I want is to talk to you but you don't want the same. you have girls that are friends but you touch them too much and it makes me jealous but id never admit it because I'm stubborn. you wouldn't like me because I'm not your type. I'm not sporty and fit, or tan and lean, I'm not funny and my voice is annoying even though you called it soft and cute, but that was a while ago, your a flirt and I think you know it, you complain about not having a girlfriend but you know damn well that any girl would go out with you if they got the chance. I told you things, I trusted you with things.

I still think about you every second and ask myself what went wrong that day.
I miss you.I miss the way you looked at me.I miss sharing the bed w you . I love you.

every time i get a notification from you, my body can't stop from feeling happy and getting butterflies. you make me laugh and you make me happy

i kinda miss you and that random whataburger we stopped at when it was 1am. almost fell asleep the drive back

You broke my heart but I miss you a lot because I still loving you. I love you like I didn't love someone. V

I hate you but I don't in a way. I know if you tried to come back I would let you because you made me so happy. But you probably won't ever try. I wish you the best and yes I did love you.

there was a time where i had a crush on you but realised that i preferred you as my best friend. i miss you, i am sorry for leaving you. i am so sorry, love niikii, please come back

i really did like you. you were the first guy i had real feelings for. but you toke advantage of that. fuck you.

ay amix te considero uno de mis mejores amigos se que no hemos hablado tanto estos dias pero verga no sabes cuanto aprecio tu amistad D:y espero poder durar hasta que seamos viejitos vale verga aun asi todo rarito te tkm y espero siempre puedas confiar en mi perdon por haberla cagado tantas veces

It's not because I didn't like you. It's because I liked you too much. The kind that I want to spend time with you and only you. How am I supposed to tell you that when I know that I'm that complete opposite of the girl you once fell in love with? You're so dense sometimes.

I love you, or maybe who I thought you'd be. You hurt me so much sometimes, but I can't help but love all the little things about you. It will always hurt, knowing I'll never be what's easy, I'll never be your first choice, I'll never be enough.

You were the first guy I genuienly loved and hoped you would be mine forever, but you stopped trying. I thought you’d never give up on us? You fell out of love.

I’ve always loved you. I loved you before I even learned your name. I hope you’ll love me as I do you.

I know I wasn’t in a good place when we started dating I was trying to convince myself I was ok for you but I was and I depended on you to much for my happiness and I’m sorry just know I thankful for you and I love you always

every time i hear your name i think about how you maked me laugh but now you are focousing on another gil

hi Julian we just had a little arguement,nothing big lol.You made me cry a little lol.i hope the best for you and her.tbh imy lol.bye

We aren’t together anymore but I still have feelings for you. Yet you keep playing with her instead..

julian, i love you. does are big words huh?i know. but i felt it whenever i talked to you. i know things arent going to work out or go any further then this. but these few months, ive never felt so amazing ive been struggling with depression and just seeing your texts brightens my day. im so in love with you i really wish you knew how much you mean to me. than you for being my first love even when ive dated a guy before you i just didnt love them, but youre so differnt from the rest and whenever what we have going on right now ends i hope you know that i woudlnt be here with out you and that youve made my world way more brighter.

you told me you wanted me to move on but that you would be back so we can get married... we could've made each other so happy rn tho :(

I've liked you for a while i think you knew but you said i wasn't your "type" and i get that but i wish that we could've been friends and then maybe get closer.

Why did you feel the need to speak to others girl while we were together? You were my first love, and ever since I still haven't been able to love anyone else.

so your at your cousins birthday right now, but i just wanted to say i love you so much and miss you even though its only been a few hours. if i could stay up all night talking to you i absolutely would i wish i could do it every night. im in a kinda weird place right now and wish you could talk to me because you always seem to make me feel amazing and safe and loved. i dont think you know how much you mean to me julian, ill love you forever even if you ever loose your love for me

i hate the way you made me feel. so used and useless, like i was only good for things i didn't deserve. i fucking hate you. so so so much.

Hey, um, I miss you a lot. I don't have those feelings anymore but... It'd be great if we could be friends again.

the first time i saw you, i liked you so much. you were so handsome when i saw you walking through the halls. i wish i would’ve confessed my love for you at my last day of school.

What we did was converting much big sad energy in happy during shorter time. We had a lot of power. (P=W/t)

you pop up im my mind every now and then im sorry for what i said ill always love you i wish i knew you loved me too

Hello! It's me, again, this is the second part of the letter, from the bible rather haha.
It's crazy to think how one person can change your life when they step into it. They make it bright, colorful, they make you happy. But then all those good times turn into memories when that person leaves, it's like a forever rain cloud hovering over your head 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This is how I feel right now. He is happier now that I am not in his life, but I wish it was so when I was there. Was it funny to know that I liked him and that he didn't do anything about it? Probably yes. It's like when you are afraid of something. Have you ever wondered what it's like to have a crush on you? Well, it's crazy, since I had to stay away because you made me nervous, you made me blush to the extreme, but there was a part of me that wanted to get closer to you. Enough so that maybe I was no longer afraid of you. And for some, fear turns to anger, sometimes tears, and most of the time it turns into something I never thought I would ever feel; love. Fear turns into love so fast it's crazy. It's like they chase you until you run out of breath and can't go any further, so you turn around and see what's coming after you. You get confused with yourself and what you see, but in the end the only thing you are running from is yourself. You run away from your own feelings and emotions, and when all is said and done, you find yourself stopping, turning around, and returning to the fear you once felt for a certain person. In short, it is horrible but surprising at the same time. This is how I felt about you. And you will always be in my heart, because having you by my side I could not. I actually cared about you. I stayed when everyone told me to leave, when they told me you didn't care and I kept chasing you, it only made your ego higher and your pride lower. I loved you even when you gave me reasons not to. It was my fault for insisting on someone I didn't love. When you are in love, you do whatever it takes to be with that person, even if they treat you like trash.

Do you have any idea how bad it feels to have your feelings made fun of? I hope you never get that damn feeling, it's horrible. It is that moment when you feel alone as fun and / or entertainment for that special person. I hope they never hurt you like that.

Some days I couldn't stop thinking about you, and other days I wondered why I was wasting my time on you.
Imagine, every night writing something nice to you in your chat, without sending it, and instantly deleting the whole message, knowing that you won't mind, that's how it has been all this time, and although also, I don't know why I keep doing this, no it has a case, but good.
I think you took the other letter wrong, at no time would I dare to call you "stupid", I would have no reason to do so, sorry if you interpreted it that way.
Do you know what is curious? That I see you almost daily, because we live relatively close, apart from seeing you at school, I see you on the street, either when I go out to train and you hardly go for the tortillas or something else, or when I return from training and you you're out for a reason. The most epic thing is that we have a family relationship of friends haha. Something complicated to understand, I know, but later you will realize what I am talking about.

You were like my model, what inspired me the most to draw.

You have to let go of who never wanted to be. I'm not asking you to love me in return, but I need to vent, even though words aren't everything. The saddest thing is that you can get to love someone so much and still be wrong. And how you will have realized, I will be very quiet but I have a lot on my mind to express.

Do you know what is the worst of all? You took a big part of me. Why? Slowly I let myself modify, A.V. slowly disappeared, to become something you wanted, and you managed to take my being. But as I got over it, I recovered it, it was really very difficult but now I can say that I did it.

I asked everyone to stop calling me that nickname because It only reminds me you don’t call me by it anymore.

heyy, I miss you and I know we both did not want to end things like this, du hast mich nach wieder mehr Kontakt gefragt and I was happy aber warum kam nichts danach pls call me I wanna explain everything but im kinda moving on as good as I can now bc u r done with me es tut mir so leid imyawwchb

Siempre serás mi gran amor, y aunque hayan más personas, siempre serás el dueño de mi corazón, te amo hasta el infinito.

I still don’t know what you meant when you said you loved me. You lied about everything but I would often question if you were being genuine when you said that.

julian, im sorry, ur too good for me. i wish i was different, i wish i could be who u think i am. come visit soon please.

When you went with me to see that movie, all my plans were ruined. I wanted to enjoy it, you know. But you just had to sit next to me. I was so nervous I thought I'd pass out when the movie ended cause my heart was racing so much, I was so busy thinking about you that I can't even remember what the movie was about haha

"They wanted to see us apart", I thought. They just wanted to see us apart, right? All I have to do is fight. But you couldn't do that for me. They wanted us apart. You wanted us apart.

I really want us to work but it feels like you’re pulling away. I just want you to want me like you used to, cause I want you more now than I did before.

you made me hate myself even more. You left scars on me but i don`t want them to heal because they remind me of you...

You once jokingly said to me, "I love so much" when I did something for you. I know you skipped the "you" on purpose. You knew it would give me hope. You knew what
I felt. Damn, You're cunning.

I miss you. It's not the same anymore and we both know that. I liked you a lot and I wish I could've told you.