Unsent messages to EVAN

i'm confused why i liked you. i didn't even really know you. but i miss you, i wish i had gotten to know you better.

Sorry I’m so clingy,I just know how this is going to end and I don’t want it to just yet. Fuck, why you?

I can’t believe you led me on and continued to let me believe I had a chance when you had a girlfriend all along.

You stuck around for a long time, i'm sorry I couldn't feel what you felt or give you what you needed. I'm getting a little bit better every day, I hope you are too.
E

Today I realized that I'm not angry at you, in fact I've never been. In reality you hurt my heart so terribly. And for the past year, it has been easier to be angry that it was to acknowledge the pain you've caused me. Dear God, I miss you so much. I miss talking to you, and I miss your smile. I just miss you so much. But I know there's no going back. And the reality is as many good qualities you have, there's double the amount of mean, terrible qualities. I don't miss those. Maybe now I'll be able to move forward.

i hope you can forgive me. im not over you, and i hope we connect sometime in the future like we did before. ill wait for you to want to talk to me. i could never love anyone the way i did you. the only reason i pushed you away was because i didnt want to hurt you. im sorry. please forgive me. please love me.

this is the best feeling ever i think about you and i feel nothing i’m listening to my sad songs i used to cry till i couldn’t breath to about you and i can’t even force a tear i’m so so so over you this is the happiest i’ve felt in years

(if you think this is you it is)

Whenever I'm around you the world stops I don't know what to do but I know that were meant to be together
I don't know how to tell you but I know that other girls like you too... This is never going to get to you or anything like that but I now know that I can come here. The reason that I'm not friends with my ex best friend is because she kept flirting with you when she knew that I liked you and she knew how long I liked you. I've liked you for about a year now and you only think of me as a sister because of how close we are.. or something like that. I know that we are bestfriends but we can evolve from that into something amazing. If you ever read this then know that it was sent with love and me crying over my laptop finally opening up about this. Please choose me.

It hurt so bad to see you fall out of love with me over time. But through your lack of love, I found how to love myself.

kinda deadass fucking mad at u, literally im nothing but nice to u and im always there for u and constantly reminding u that i am and u dont even say thank you back, like i get it u get in these stupid moods and u say "its just me being me" and i try to understand that and be kind, but all i fucking want back from u is the same thing, if i seem upset just ask me whats wrong or a simple "i hope u feel better" literally anything. im too fucking nice to you for everything youve ever done to me, u hurt me, u still do, lied to me abt loving me and led me on, and i told u "its okay" when u ig apologized. ur horrible to me lol and idk why but im still not fully over u, like we hung out for the first time in like 3 and a half months last week and i enjoyed it sm, but im so fucking mad at u, and myself for how horrible u are to me and how nice i am despite the horrible things u do to me. then u complain to me abt these stupid, blonde basic ass girls who treat u like shit, and u whine and cry to me, abt it, its so fucking annoying because u take advantage of me because u know despite our past im always gonna be that person whos there for u, and that person whos gonna listen to u. i mean like, come on evan seriously??? ive never done anything in your life to even allow u, or give u a reason to treat me like this. im just trying to be your friend nad youre always so mean to me and i dont deserve it. yet ofc im not gonna be friends with you, because somehow, for some reason, i dont want to lose u, and ur the only person i enjoy talking to? i hate facetime, but not when it comes to you, hate video games, unless its with you, i hate listening to long videos of people talking or long convos, unless theyre with you. youre somehow the only person i genuinely enjoy talking to and i hate it sm, like idek if i still have feelings for u, i dont think i do, but a chunk of my heart is still in love with you waiting for u to tell me u want me back. because even tho u make me hurt, and make me sad, angry, jealous, all of those things, you still make me extremely happy. but i still kinda hate u lmao, also hate u for talking to one of my friends and then ending things w her now ur talking again as "friends" but today u facetimed her instead of me when u asked me to earlier, and u played video games with her even tho u asked me too. so fuck u for making me think things, and fuck you for hurting me, fuck you for making me still love you. and also fuck, ***na, *a*dy, and you. fuck. you. but i also love you and want you to love me back and realize that im the one whos always going to be there for u, always going to care, always going to love you. fuck you.

the “closer” we got, the more i thought i needed you. i was wrong. i’m so happy now and i hope you are too.

I miss how close we were and all the fun we had. I miss hugging you and telling you how much i love you.

when i was with you the world felt unreal. i hate you for being manipulative but i still have mixed feelings. i miss talking to you.

i don't think i even realized that i actually had feelings for you until you called me for the first time in months since we stopped seeing each other. your voice made my heart jump. i know things are complicated with you and you may not be ready or see me as more than a friend, but i'd wait for you as long as you needed. i'll bake you whatever pie you want.

i wish you knew how i felt on that ft call, maybe you would have not bullied me while i had a panic attack

I'm still not quite sure why you had such an effect on me. Maybe it was the way you looked at me like we were something we weren't.

I love you bub. Thank you for being my home and safe space. I just want you to be happy even if it's not with me

You were my home and my safe space and I don't know how to move on without you. I want you to be happy. Thank you for everything

do u know i love u?
i’m so scared that i will lose u, i want to break my heart by leaving before u break mine. but u show me the love i deserve, the forgiving type the one that loves unconditionally. yet i’m so used to love that is filled with hatred that i can’t manage to think that our love with fester into that. lots of love yours truly

I miss you every day. I compare everyone to you. I cannot shake the thought of you and what we would’ve had if you had stayed. But you changed your mind, and that is all I was left with.

I had a dream about you the other night. I screamed at you and said that I hated you, but I still loved you. The two most opposite things in the world, but how is it true that I feel both for you? Seeing you having lunch with my ex best friend last week, broke me. All the feelings I've ever had for you came flooding back. I don't know what to do. I want so badly to reach out to you, but I don't think I can take anymore pain. I hate that if you called me right now, I'd pick up in an instant. I hate that I miss you. I hate that you broke my heart. I hate that I am still searching for a way to put it back together. I hate that I still love you even after all you've put me through.

telling my friends you stood me up 4 times is worse than telling them what you keep asking me not to. idiot.

When I look at you my heart stops and my face heats up. You make me feel like the only one in the room..

this is so dumb y am i writing this actually whatever beneath ur bullshit i know u care abt me and honestly i love you too i know that’s something u will never say to me and that’s ok i’m glad i’m at least ur homie:) pain.

i feel like i care abt u way too much ? u annoy me the most but ily honestly and i wish you knew, kinda scared to tell you though so ig i won't

it’s my fault if i hurt and i’m sorry. we weren’t even dating and i regret it so much because i miss you. you made such an impact on me and i’ll never forget that.

You are the one who I want to spend time with all the time, however, we are a secret... just a secret.

i think that i've repressed every single aspect of our relationship. when i look at you, i don't see you as my first. i see you as simply an obnoxious piece of shit.

I can't believe I saw you having lunch with my high school best friend. The universe is funny like that. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. I couldn't look you in the eye because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I want so badly to reach out to you and ask why you guys were together. But I know the answer would just hurt me more. Thinking of my future without the possibility of you in it, hurts like hell. The finality of that chapter in my life closing, scares me. I held onto hope that we would meet up in 10 years and fall back in love, but my hope was destroyed the instant I saw you and her together. I've reread our love story everyday for the past year, but now it's time for me to close the book and move on. This is my goodbye to you, I'll value our memories forever, but I don't love you anymore.

I'm so scared that you are falling down the dark path again. I don't want to lose you and I don't understand how no one around you sees it. Please don't leave me.

I thought you would be a better person than this. I guess I learned not to expect so much otherwise you'll be let down.

you mentally broke me, made me feel that I had to do things to keep you. You told everyone what you made me do as some kind of accomplishment.

Even though we don’t talk I hope you know I’d do anything just for things to go back to how they used to be I miss you :(

You were my bestfriend. Your the sweetest person i know and i’m sad we fell off. I hope she makes you happy. i shouldve taken my chance when i had it. I am always here if u need me. I love you

I still feel like you’re by my side every day and I look for you in every guy I date. you really are irreplaceable

It seems that I don’t care anymore but I still wait for your messages. I miss you every single day. And I can’t do anything about it.

Okay i cant express my feelings to your face so im going to express them here where you will never see then anyways i just wanted to say i wish i could tell you how much i like you like I literally liked you from the minute i saw you even though you are so quite and shy sometimes and sometimes you say shit that you know i hate but i just cant stop liking you and i wish i knew how to because bitch i really do need to move on but its hard since were friends so we will always we eachother and everytime i see you i just know i still like you , and i heard that you liked me but bitch we both know we aint ever gonna do anything about it so yeah .. but if you ever do see this um u wont know its for you and who its from but seriously just say you like her chances are she probably likes you too ?

I’m sorry we were so young we fucked each other up. I know we still love each other deeply. Forever. I wish you the best.

We haven’t spoken in almost 4 years and yet I still think about you and our friendship frequently. We were young and stupid and you taught me so much about myself. I forgive you. I miss you. I wish you were thinking of me. I miss our friendship so much and wish that our follow forevers on tumblr stayed true

I'm not mad. Really I'm not. I understand to an extent and I know why you felt like you had to be rude in order to get the message across. I just wish you hadn't let me go on believing for so long. You helped me a lot but you took a lot of it when you left. Im getting it back tho, and this time I'm letting me heal myself. That way im not relying on anyone else. Thank you for teaching me that I am the only person that can help me rn.

I care about you i just wish you felt the same. You’ve always been more than just a friend to me which is why i can’t let go and will always go back if you need me.

I thought that I was falling in love with you, but I really was just falling for the idea of you. show me your true colors and we can start again

When I knew you I thought I knew what love was, but as the years have passed I’ve realized I’m completely clueless

i gave it my all, I sacrificed everything and loved you unconditionally... why couldn't you love me back?

i gave it my all, i sacrificed everything an loved you unconditionally... why couldn't you love me back?

you taught me how to love myself. Your kindness made me fall for you, but your not mine. your heart belongs to someone else. i will love you always.

oh evan, i truly do hope you're happy with her now. just please tell me you didn't cheat with her while we were together? i know it's stupid, but i see us being together again one day. oh well, for now we just stick to being friends i guess. if it means i get to spend a couple hours of my life with you, it's enough for me.

i felt you losing feelings & all i could do was lay under the stars and pray that you get the life you deserve

i don’t believe in soulmates anymore, it still feels like a cruel joke sometimes. take care of the piece of me that you took when you left.

I really wish I would’ve responded to you again, but I had what everyone else was telling me stuck in my head. We barley talked and it was over a year ago but we had some really great conversations. I felt like for the first time in a long time I was really myself. I’m sorry I’m such a dick.