Unsent messages to CHRIS

i'm boarding now. the last time i was on a plane i was flying across the world to tell you i still loved you, my reviving sunshine. i hope you play the james brown and think of me.
forever yours.

I’m sorry the last girl hurt you but I don’t understand why I have to suffer her consequences? Why am I not good enough to try for?

i wasn’t enough for you. i knew that, but i didn’t care. i tried anyway. i should’ve walked away a long time ago.

it was the first time in my life i was truely happy and then you came in and made it better. you knew what i went through. and you still left.

you will be the reason i never waste my time. i can’t go around wasting all my years on people who don’t deserve them.

God, I miss you so much sometimes. We weren’t healthy but you were my first love, my first trust. I still remember our first kiss on that playground, the feel of your hand in mind. I just hope you’re okay. That you’re healing. Please just be okay, Saturn.

Every time i say "hi chris" I feel like i'm Lorelai Gilmore and you're just that sweet boy i met when i was 16

I don't know how I'm gonna tell you that you're one of the reasons I flinch when my boyfriend gets mad.
You're one of the reasons I panic whenever there is a hint of frustration in his voice.
You're one of the reasons I apologize for asking to do something I want to do.
Yet you stand there, acting like a Saint because you helped people.

Hey! I dont know if you'll remember me, but I sat next to you in language arts our freshman year. You used to say hi to me everyday and ask me how I was doing. I was so depressed and so many things were going on in my life at that point. Thank you for that. I still remember that after almost 7 years. I hope we meet again someday.

today wouldve been 2 years. my heart weighs heavy today. Wishing you well always. I wonder if you know what today is?

today would’ve been 2 years. my heart weighs heavy today. wishing u well. I wonder if you’re even aware of what today is?

i hope one day i'll be good enough for you,so your eyes can shine for me but in the meanwhile,ill wish for you

it’s been nearly three years since i’ve seen you, and for some reason i can’t bring myself to forget you. we’re separated by 500 miles but somehow you still reside in that little corner of my brain you took over so many years ago. i hope you’re well, with her. and happy, and content, and well taken care of. you really do deserve it. i feel so incredibly guilty for wanting you to come back to me, even though you were never mine to begin with. i just can’t shake this feeling that you’re meant to be mine. time will tell, right? i don’t think you’ll ever see this, but if you do- hi. i miss you.

It’s been years & no one compares to you. I wish you felt the same way about me. Sometimes I wonder if you do

you’re starting to feel like a memory. it scares the hell out of me. I remember crying into your shirt and telling you how much i would miss the smell of food on you. what does it sound like when you say my name? i can’t remember.

i hope she makes you happy because you deserve it so much. she's something i couldn't be. i love you, be careful.

i love you but i'm so afraid to admit it. i hope she makes you happy, because you deserve it so much. i know you probably hate me but i love you with all my heart.

i miss u this morning. Our 2 year anniversary would be coming up soon. damn. that’s sad as shit. I really thought we had forever.

hey bud,
I hope life has been treating you good. I’m vaping again. I feel like a fuck up lol. i miss u, wish i could tell you about my life.

it’s been months but i still have hate for you in my heart. i despise your ugly ass. thank god i came to my senses and discovered that i like women and not your crusty male ass.

You were my first love. Even though we didn't work out, I will always want what's best for you. Love you always.

thank you for teaching me that no matter how much you could love someone you can't make them stay. hope your happier with her. i'd say i'm waiting for you but for what. so you could destroy me again. i loved you so much i stopped loving myself so thank you for leaving. you made me realize you aren't shit. and i deserved better. lol btw your mom and siblings still text me ig they liked me better than you did. but also fuck you cause your so replaceable and you're not even that good of a person i was just too co dependent but i'm past that now. i'm glad i'm starting to forget you. the dude i'm with is better than you in every way :)

you meant a lot to me. the cuddles and everything. ig there will always be a place for you in my heart

I wish you could see yourself in my eyes.Thank you for being so kind to me all the time. You have so much love to offer and I hope you find someone who loves you unconditionally. It’s a cold world out here but you’re a rare one, please don’t let someone change that.

With Love,
T (from oc)

you’ve been so heavy on my brain. i want happiness for you so bad!! but more than that i wanna be there to watch it, so so bad. but i cant

I don't know if this is love but all I know is that I feel something for you. I don't know if you feel the same way, or maybe you simply just use me for my body. You're an ass, but I can't stop thinking about you. I'll forever miss you. Maybe one day we'll find our way back to each other , but for right now I need to learn how to live life for myself and I need to focus on my future.

it’s been over a year. i still miss you. if only it were different. if only we were more mature. i miss you.

I doubt you’ll ever read this, but thinking of you honestly makes me so fucking mad. You were so manipulative and probably still are. I don’t know the person you are today, but I really hope you’re striving to be a better person and gain more perspective. Grow up.

sometimes missing you hits me like bricks in my chest. i can physically feel the heaviness on my heart. i’m always wishing you the world

even tho we never really dated u broke me, i still love u and i hate myself for that. but if u came back i wouldn’t say no

i don’t know how you could forget us so easily. i tried so hard to forget you but my mind won’t let me.

Dude i loved you so much. You saved me from myself, but the distance was too much for us to handle. I broke after all the times you fixed me

i guess i’m missing you tonight. this always feels so one sided. i wish u missed me and cared about what i was up to.

I love you so much and you just don’t understand it, I don’t even know if you Iove me back. But no matter what you do I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

I hate the fact that I dont hate you, you shattered me. Im sorry I wasn't enough to make you stay, please come back, I need you.

I still love you & I think about you every single day. You were my whole heart and soul, It sucks I couldn’t forever be yours and someone else is. I miss my best friend, you were my person

I wish we never ended the way we did . What did I do wrong that she gets what I begged for just time from you . I miss you but I could never hate you I hope your happy

why did you do it? and why do you still continue to lie to this day? i wish you could’ve just told me the truth instead of lying and manipulating me. why won’t you let me be happy?

i wish you would let me be there for you. i miss you and i love you with all my heart. it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

you hurt me in a way nobody else did. you made me believe I could have been everything with you, and in one second, you crushed me. but thank you, thank you for hurting me. I grew from that pain and am becoming the best version of myself I can be. no one will make me feel that way again, but im just sorry that I let you into my heart.

I wish that you fought for me more. That you needed me in your life. Wish that you didn’t make me feel like a second option. I miss you even tho I know you don’t.

I tried to love you the way you love me, but I can’t. I’m sorry. I really am.
I pick grey because I’m wearing your grey hoodie right now.

I know I’ll never tell you how I feel...you have a gf and I have a bf...and we’re both happy...but part of me wonders if I never moved...if we would’ve ended up together...I think you’re the guy I always liked...and part of me always will

It’s funny because in your mind I’ll probably always be “ just that girl cass used to be friends with from summer camp”

I am sorry that I ran when you told me you loved me even though I have never been so sure of someone in my life. I miss you.

sometimes when i sit down to pee i look up at the doorway and expect you to be standing there; snapping your fingers & swaying in your stance & watching me pee. but you never are. i miss that so much.

you once told me i was the biggest reason why you wanted to kill yourself, you’ve also told me that i was malicious and evil. no one really ever recovers from being told something like that. please, when you find your girl, be kind to her, think about your words and how they could stick & if they could cause her harm later. i wish you well.

Sometimes I think of you and smile. Sometimes I think of you and cry. My favorite version of you is when I was helping you move in. And you had said to me “when we get home”. You probably don’t remember. But I do. I miss home. I miss you.

If you had never left. I would have spent a life time thinking you actually loved me. I love you. Pinky.

Since you left I’ve met so many people named Chris. And every one reminds me of you. Come back, please.