Unsent messages to BRENDAN

Why am I not enough for you

i think im getting over you, it's scary.

did you ever have growth? like the flowers you gave me then, did you ever blossom into a better person?

its weird. i'm in a new apartment you've never been in, in a new job, my life is brand new completely wiped of you. i thought i'd be okay, you'd be so distant it wouldn't matter to me anymore, the slate would be clean. but fuck, man, i still miss you sometimes. maybe it was the comfort we had together, the ease. maybe we were meant to be something after all. maybe we weren't. i don't know. i think i want to talk to you again but i don't know anymore

Why did you have to end it? I don’t believe that nothing happened. What did I do? I thought we were perfect. We could have easily made distance work and you know it.. but you left and took my heart with you.

i hate to admit that you were my first love. its been on and off for 3 years and you've hurt me in ways i didnt think were imagineable and i still cant recover. pls stop coming into my life again, you already know id come running back no matter how hard i try to resist. i need to move on but i cant

i wish you knew how much you meant to me and how much i loved you, but you still wouldn't choose me in the end.

as much as i hate you and what you did to me, i care for you. i always will. don’t treat the next girl the way you did me.

i knew we were long distance and you probably forgot about my existence but seeing a message from you that wasn’t just an answer to mine would’ve been nice every once in a while, i mean literally the next thing i hear from you is that you’re dating someone else, what the hell man? we had something i thought, but i guess i was just naive because you were the first person to like me back, i just wish we could’ve become something more even if we were long distance

i hate that you’re always on my mind. you’re the only one i will ever truly want. and it’s so stupid, isn’t it? it’s been so long but the smallest things will make me ache because they remind me of you. i wish i could hate you. you made me feel like shit, you would talk shit about me when i wasn’t around, i became your last choice and all i ever did was love you. i feel sick every time i remember the way your hands felt in mine or the lightest trace of them on my waist. i sound delusional. i always tell myself there’s something wrong with me because of how much you engraved your stupid thinking into my brain. you told me you never thought i was pretty and that’s all i think about when i look in the mirror. and i want to say you’re shitty for that so, so bad, and i remember some of the other times where you smiled at me as if you might have actually liked me. but in the end it feels like you never did. i wish i never fell for you but it gets addicting remembering the way you make me feel. and it’s so pathetic. i wish i wasn’t this broken about it years later but you were the only person i ever had and ever will truly love. i know i’m over you. but i remember the billion different things you made me feel and it makes me so mad that you did all that and went on like nothing happened. but in the end i still hope you’re okay. i hope you’re happier. i think i am, not that you really care.

you were my first love, even though it ended as me watching you from afar. from 1st grade through 8th, you made me a fool for your attention, but i learned and grew from it in the end. I can't believe were in highschool now.

I was never able to form a stable relationship after you... some days I think you invented the art of ghosting

Sorry I ghosted you, I couldn't face you knowing I faked it the majority of our relationship. you were there and I was lonely.

i wish you would have just let me love you instead of using me as a bandaid to cover up your brokenness.

hey brendan(s), this most likely isn’t for you, unless it is then hello to my brendan. i just wanted to write this to let you know without actually letting you know that i think i’m finally over you. that sounded so dyslexic i’m sorry lmao. but anyways, i no longer smile at my screen when i see your name, i don’t make up scenarios in my head about you before i close my eyes, i don’t feel connected to you anymore. however, despite all of that, i still do miss you. if you decided you want me again then i’d jump off my feet to be with you again. you mean so much to me and you deserve the absolute best. you aren’t good for me though, i know that. talking about other girls to my bestfriend, lying to me about going out with your friends, and treating me with pure disrespect. i needed you so much during that time and you knew that. you knew what i was going through, you knew my fear of loosing those who i love, you knew about my struggles and depression that i tried to keep from you to make sure you’re happy. you left me. and i know it’s been over a month, but i still do love you. after the breakup, i had no one. i cried myself to sleep cuddling into the prize you won for me. but now i don’t feel anything. if i could make one thing come true, it would be to make us be like how we were before the romance. i have a letter for you in my notes if anything were to happen to me. i cried my eyes out writing that and the fact that it will just stay in my notes forever shows that you’ll forever be in my heart. your friend tried warning me about how you were, and despite me knowing him longer then i knew you, i didn’t take his advice and threw it all in his face. i will never forgive you for the things you have said that are straight up offensive. i genuinely tried looking past your homophobic self but it’s gotten too far. i thought you were someone else when we were dating. i don’t regret anything-but i do wish i could change it so there would be no hurt.

this message is all over the place. one minute i’m over you, the next minute i miss you then i’m annoyed. these are the stages of getting better maybe. anyways, that’s enough. i know you’ll never see this but i feel a bit lighter getting this off of my chest.

i do wish you you’re best, - e


i also chose the orange as a funny reminder to when i went to your house for the first time ?

We could’ve been so great together. I loved you so much. But giving you infinite chances only hurt me more.

i have so much to say and i don't even know where to start. is she making you happy? no really. is she? i just want what's best for you now. i used to think about how pretty our babies would be, especially if they had your eyes, i used to only be able to fall asleep to the sounf of your voice, and now i don't even remember it, or your laught, but hopefully it's bringing her as much joy as it brought me, usually accompanied by your stupid jokes that i would give the world to get to experience one more time. maybe it trult was right person but wrong time. maybe we were just meant to be in another life. i hope there are still little things that remind you of me, maybe, but i doubt it now. maybe you'll come back to me and it'll pick up like nothing happened, maybe. i should've told you i was in love with you when i had the chance, i didn't want to scare you away, now i just regret never putting my full self out there for you to see. how is your mom and how are your dogs? the only three girls you would ever call prettier than me. how're classes? i know graduation during covid sucked, so hopefully freshman year classes are better. me and your friend dom still talk sometimes, but never about you, not anymore. go talk to him brendan, he misses you. i miss you too, i love you, and i hate that i never got to say that when i had you.

it's been months now. I just wonder if you still think of me, or if anything still reminds you of me. make her as happy as you made me.

I was young when I fell in love with you. Young and stupid and naive. The beginning was good, it was practically out of a movie. I don’t know when things changed for you. When you decided to break me and take something from me. You embedded a fear in me that I didn’t think I’d ever be able to shake. You cut me off from friends, from family, and from myself. You made me loose myself and I don’t remember the girl I was before you. I’m cold now. When I’m kissed on the forehead by someone who cares for me, I cringe. Not because I don’t love them, but because you made accepting touch as a love language nearly impossible. You’ve cause me indescribable pain, physically and emotionally. You’ve caused me to inflict that pain on myself for years. Then, despite the pain and the fear, I left. And while the pain remains, I’ve never felt more free. I can hug men and not want to cry. I can look people in the eyes again. I can stand up for myself. I’m finding myself again. You utter shattered me, into too many pieces to count. But I’m picking them up, and I’m putting myself back together. I hope you learn to treat people better. You don’t deserve love until you do.

I wish you would’ve known what I meant by “whatever happens happens”. It meant that when we fell in love again we’d just let it happen. We did fall in love again and I knew you did but you didn’t know I did. I wish I would’ve told you and you could still be mine to hold and love but it’s okay:) whatever happens happens hey

Im so sorry. I never said it but I love you. Always think about seeing you in a coffee shop in 5 years. you're the one.

I still check if you added or followed me back, or even texted me. But you haven’t reached out since and I get the sense you’re doing fine.

How could you turn your feelings off for me so easily and replace me with someone else? Did you ever love me at all?

if i’m over you why do i still have dreams about you every night? why do i get flashbacks to the mall and your basement?

I think I’m done. You’ll always be the first boy I ever loved. Thank you for everything you taught me, good or bad.


Goodbye...

You will always be my first choice and my first love. I hope you grow enough and I heal enough to be together one day, and my gut tells me we will. I always said we can and will defeat the odds and I don't believe blindly in much, you know that, but I do in us. You're my person, please come back to me when we can properly be together.

i miss you and i hope you’re doing amazing, you deserve no less than that. i’ll always care about you

fuck you why am i on your hit list? im better off w out you!... is what i want to feel but there is smth abt you

i love you so much. i've loved you since the moment we met! your perfect hair, your gorgeous eyes. you have a perfect sense of humor. you are so cute like oh my GOD. i could stay and talk to you for hours. i really do wish we talked more often, when we do, you're so precious and weird. i know you like the other girl, and thats ok, but ill always love you, ive loved you for the 7 years ive known you. you're the closest friend i have, but ill never admit these things to you. i did a while back, everything was so good! nothing bad happened, but i wish we could go back to those days :). i love you sm, my favorite JB

there's so many things i want to say to you. i have so many questions about how you've been- what kind of person you've become. it's been a year and a bit since we broke up, and i'm sorry that i obsessed over it for so long. i now realize it was for the best, and i am much happier and stable without you as an active part of my life. the controlling, manipulative toxicity was something i didn't see before, and i hurt the both of us by not leaving. i'm so much happier now. i have different friends, a different life, and i'm now a different me. i'm no longer the girl at our school that can't forget you no matter how hard i try. quarantine really helped me think about everything and find myself, and i'm not gonna lie, the person you dated wasn't right. i was very influenced by the people around me. you included. the toxicity flew past my head because i thought i was happy with you, and all my friends thought i was too. therefore i thought that i had to be happy. i'm sorry that i wasn't enough, that i wasn't able to keep a stable relationship with you and i wish that we could have ended on better terms. however, that's all in the past and i am very happy where i am now. you helped me learn who i was and how to respect myself. not to stoop so low to the point where i need to compromise my own beliefs for the person i'm involved with. do i miss being friends with you like we used to be? kind of, but seeing as you're toxic and racist, no. however, thank you. you being in my past taught me many things that i couldn't have learnt otherwise. you're a crucial part of who i am and who i've become, and i'm extremely grateful for my experience with you. thank you.

missing you is weird this time around because you're actually gone and I don't know if you're coming back

Deep down I miss you and what we used to have. Even after everything you put me through I'll always care and be here for you.

i did love u at one point. i should have kissed u on the train ride back to our car. i don’t know why i didn’t. but i don’t miss us. my only regret is not kissing u then.

I wished for a really long time that you never got bored of me. But then I realised that i'm way too good for you and you never deserved me anyway.

Hey, I know we never were anything. But when I first met you, you lit up my world after days of darkness. I felt like it was mutual, but when you slowly left it hurt. But nothing will hurt more than you fake being there for me after I was there for you.

i miss you a lot more than i should. its weird to sit here sometimes and talk to you knowing that we ended still loving each other. one day, i hope we are able to see if life crosses our paths once again with a romantic relationship. i still love you dork, even with your baby abs.

I always look back on our young love and it was such a happy time. I remember running around and playing pretend at summer camp, goofing off at school, and being genuinely best friends. I remember being at the lake house and you catching a fish and it flopped around on the little boat. You were my first love and honestly one of the sweetest guys I've ever met. I'm sorry for any pain I might've caused you when I broke up with you. I know we were really young and relationships aren't very serious that young, but I felt so awful. I hope you look back and feel the same happiness I do. I know that in the future when I have kids, I'll tell them about my first real crush and how it reminds me of something out of a cute movie.

How do you look at yourself in the mirror everyday. I trusted you with my life. And you lied every single day to me. It was all a game to you. You are truly heartless.

do you ever think about me? I think you do; you definitely do.... right? cause I only ever think of you.

we have both moved on but it's difficult for me to see you with someone who doesn't seem to care at all.

hey it’s me , i know you're gone, you have been for a while but just remember i’ll always love you kid and i will always be here for you , even if your not here for me. i hate that you text me occasionally it breaks me all over again. but that’s the power you have over me. i’ll always text back. love b

hey B, i’m still gonna see you every day since ur in my class but ig this is me saying goodbye to what could’ve been, what had happened and my heartbroken feelings. you have a girlfriend now and ur literally a lovesick puppy bc of her. and i’m happy for you, i truly am. tho i wish it were me but it would’ve never happen anyways. i’ve had feelings for you for 3 years now but they’re slowly dying away, little by little and i hope i’ll feel happiness like you do with her. although we’ve never dated, and you probably didn’t even like me nearly as much as i liked you, you’ve affected me sooo much. you led me on and it hurts. it truly hurts, but i guess i was bound to meet and eventually fall for someone like you at some point in my life. i don’t regret what i felt for you tho. i wouldn’t take it back. it was truly fun while it lasted even though this was always one-sided. she was ur first girlfriend and i’ve always had a distaste for her, mainly bc she was ur first kiss, and she was the perfect blond, blue eyes, perfect body girl. you had 4 other gfs after her before eventually going back to her. i knew it...and it seems that you’re actually lasting...which is nice. it’s weird, i’ve had crushes in the past, but none as intense as you. i was quite obsessed with you i’m very embarrassed. well to be fair, you are very attractive and it doesn’t help that every other boy in our school looks like shit so inevitably you stand out. anyways i hope by me writing this, it will give me hope, hope that when i look at you, that i consider you as another annoying boy and nothing more and that everything that makes you appear in my head will be gone. gone forever.

hey B, i’m still gonna see you every day since ur in my class but ig this is me saying goodbye to what could’ve been, what had happened and my heartbroken feelings. you have a girlfriend now and ur literally a lovesick puppy bc of her. and i’m happy for you, i truly am. tho i wish it were me but it would’ve never happen anyways. i’ve had feelings for you for 3 years now but they’re slowly dying away, little by little and i hope i’ll feel happiness like you do with her. although we’ve never dated, and you probably didn’t even like me nearly as much as i liked you, you’ve affected me sooo much. you led me on and it hurts. it truly hurts, but i guess i was bound to meet and eventually fall for someone like you at some point in my life. i don’t regret what i felt for you tho. i wouldn’t take it back. it was truly fun while it lasted even though this was always one-sided. she was ur first girlfriend and i’ve always had a distaste for her, mainly bc she was ur first kiss, and she was the perfect blond, blue eyes, perfect body girl. you had 4 other gfs after her before eventually going back to her. i knew it...and it seems that you’re actually lasting...which is nice. it’s weird, i’ve had crushes in the past, but none as intense as you. i was quite obsessed with you i’m very embarrassed. well to be fair, you are very attractive and it doesn’t help that every other boy in our school looks like shit so inevitably you stand out. anyways i hope by me writing this, it will give me hope, hope that when i look at you, that i consider you as another annoying boy and nothing more and that everything that makes you appear in my head will be gone. gone forever.

could've been a year, but im glad it wasnt. maybe it was for the best for both of us to move on. i know you lied/cheated, and i forgive you. i sometimes wish it wouldve worked though, but u didnt truly love me. still wish u the best, and hope u find the one :)

Sometimes I worry we won't work out, and you'll leave me for your stupid best friend. But I know that if she is nothing compared to me. You need me as much as I need you. I hate you as much as I love you. No matter what, I always come running back to you. You are my love, but I fear we will destroy each other.

Sometimes I worry we won't work out, and you'll leave me for your stupid best friend. But I know that if she is nothing compared to me. You need me as much as I need you. I hate you as much as I love you. No matter what, I always come running back to you. You are my love, but I fear we will destroy each other.

i don't think i'll truly ever get over you. you showed me what it's like to love and be loved. i love you, pup.

So do I go?

Meant it when I said I’ll never reach out again, why should I? I’m not fucking telepathic bro

If you asked me how many times you've crossed my mind I would say once because you never really left. You will always be alive in my heart.

why?? why’d you have to break all of your promises? why’d you have to mess it up twice? all i did was love you and didn’t get it back. i hope u realize that u messed up someday