Unsent messages to AVERY

why do you keep reaching out to me
you and i both know you don’t love me the way i want you to
if you think it makes me feel better, it doesn’t. it kills me to speak to you, knowing i’m not the one.
you were always so goddamn selfish

We didn’t get to know each other. You never told me a childhood memory or your favorite ice cream to get from Dairy Queen. We couldn’t forget each other but the best thing to do was let each other go. We were hurting each other because we wanted to be together but couldn’t admit it. But truthfully, you mean nothing to me and I mean nothing to you. You’re just someone I share a few adorably awkward moments with and things turned sour. You taught me a lot about myself and I hope I did the same for you. You hurt me but I’m a better person because of it.. and I hope you can say the same for me. XO

You were my best friend. My sibling. You brought so much warmth and happiness into my life but you tore me apart every time you left. And I kept letting you back into my life hoping you had wouldn't leave me again. Wouldn't block me on every platform out of the blue one day, with no explanation, no reason. I'm letting go now.

Everyday is exhausting. I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep going when every thing I do feels like running a marathon. You look so happy and I hope your doing better. I don’t know if I can ever go back or see you again.

Everyday is exhausting. I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep going when every thing I do feels like running a marathon. You look so happy and I hope your doing better.

Everyday is exhausting. I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep going when every thing I do feels like running a marathon. You look so happy and I hope your doing better.

I’m sorry you had to deal with me. I hope you didn’t listen to anything I said. I hope I didn’t hurt you. I was hurt and broken. I don’t want to pass the pain I’ve been through on to you.

I just want to know if it’s really you leaving me messages on here. Sometimes I think it might be but I doubt I even cross your mind anymore. Your happy with someone else. I know I messed up but could you ever forgive me? Well I did more than mess up.. I was horrible.

I just want to know if it’s really you leaving me messages on here. Sometimes I think it might be but I doubt I even cross your mind anymore. Your happy with someone else.

I miss you and I’m sorry I’m not who you thought I was. But I’m glad you cut me off. I can’t love someone else right now. I’m broken and I don’t know if I’ll ever get better. I hope I didn’t put you through too much pain. I can’t stop looking for the bad qualities in others, thinking everyone hates me, and hurting others to make myself feel better. My mind is constantly in defense mode.I’m a broken person and I have been always been this way. I’ve never been mentally healthy and have never been near someone who’s was. I hope you’re okay and I hope you didn’t listen to a word I said. You did hurt me too just so you know and I do think you could work on yourself too. You’re great as you are. You don’t need to hurt others and trick others to get satisfaction. I’m left confused. Did you ever care about me? Did I ever mean a thing to you? Was I just a game? I’ll never know.

I’m sure you didn’t expect me to hurt you so bad when we met. I feel bad when i think about the way you looked at me that night. You looked so innocent and I hurt you so bad. I am struggling. I want to be better. I know I’m probably the worst human you’ve ever met or could ever imagine. I’m going to get better.

I think I’m leaving messages for someone with your name & your leaving messages for someone with my name. But I think they’re different people. Maybe we can figure it out if you Leave the name of your state or something

I think I’m leaving messages for someone with your name & your leaving messages for someone with my name. But I think they’re different people.

I try to love you but I feel so numb and just don’t have the strength to love and help anyone anymore. I hope in the future I can love you with all my heart

I’m sorry for responding inappropriately but you were the one who hurt me and kept doing it. You were the one who made me feel shameful and worthy of nothing but being used. You were the one that lead me in and dropped me for someone else. You were the one who didn’t leave me alone and was scared I’d tell people how shitty you treated me. You were the one who didn’t care if I looked bad as long as you looked okay. You owe me an apology.

Never leave ok? I love you more than anything and if you are going through hard times please push through, I know you are strong. You still need to finish all the anime’s I recommend to you.

thank you for making me realize how i should have been loved in the past. you are so perfect. i love you immensely

We have been best friends forever and I’ve always liked you but I will never have the courage to see if you feel the same

Was I always the second choice? Was I just someone you wanted to get in bed to brag to your friends about & than never speak to me again. I don’t think you understand how bad that would’ve hurt me. I’m glad I walked away.

I wish I had a heart and I wish I could love you. I don’t. I’ve never felt love in my life. I don’t feel like I deserve it and I can’t even imagine what it feels like. I don’t trust a single person. I don’t even trust myself. I wish I could care about you but I can’t. I wish I could be there for you. I try my best to be there for others but I’ll never be happy. I’m sorry. I can’t accept anyone loving me. I hurt myself and I hurt the people around me.

I was only mean to you because I’m so insecure about who I am. I’m so sorry. I genuinely feel horrible. Trust me because I know what it feels like to have someone attack you like that. I hate myself for what I treated you. I’ve spent hours crying in my room over being treated that way.. and than I did it to you. I’m sorry. I feel like a bad person. I am a bad person because of my pain. I feel like everyone in my life hates me. I’m scared of ever being around anyone again. I just want to be alone. I hate this world and I don’t want to live in it. I’m sorry. I wish you never heard a single mean word in your life. I’m so sorry.

I never stopped thinking about you. I’m so sorry for what I’ve said to you. Nothing justifies it. But I’m hurting so much. If you ever see this please talk to me again. I’m in pain and there is only one way to block the pain out- and it’s not healthy. I wanted something with you. I thought you cared about me but I think you were just afraid of me.

I wonder if we ever think about each other at the same time. I wonder if you even think about me at all. Why didn’t you choose me

I keep hoping that maybe you’re thinking about me as much as I think about you but i know you moved on, so now it’s time for me to move on too. I’ll still always love you and I wish that I could’ve gotten closure from the things that happened. But I need to accept that I’ll never have that.

I feel like I’m not good enough for you... you are amazing and I love you but I feel like you could have so much better than me...

I was really struggling when I met you, you knew that. but what you didn't know is, is how much your presence in my life saved me. we havn't talked in a long time, but i hope you know that i think about you every single day since out last conversation a couple months ago. the times I miss waking with you to band class, and whispering backstage at theater rehursal, i miss every minute of the times we spent together. And while you will never know, I wish so terribly that you could know that despite how confused I was back then, i knew, and have always known, that I love you, Avery.

I hope you moved on and are happy now. I hope I’m the last thing on your mind. I never wanted to hurt you and don’t trust myself anymore. I guess things worked out for the best.

I’m not sure if you care about me of if you ever did at all. But I’m not doing well again. I hope to see you again and hope your doing better than me. I wish we could’ve gotten closer. I know I’m closed off and might never get to fall in love. I just feel like as much as I care about others and like others.. I have no trust in others and I have no love to give or receive. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry if you wanted something real with me but I’m just too broken and I’m not sure how long it’s going to be before I’m ready. I saw a post on here that I could’ve sworn had to be from you but I’m not sure if it was. I’m not sure if I even cross your mind at all anymore. I think about you a lot and feel a lot of guilt and self hate about stuff. I wish we could talk. We were so awkward it was kind of funny. Miss you

i’m writing this to myself. i know life isn’t what you thought it would be when you were younger but you have to stop wasting your life. don’t let it pass you by because you will regret it. enjoy every moment, every hug, every laugh, every sunset, every smile from a stranger, every first bite, every bubble bath, every unboxing, every first stroke of paint, every rainy day, because time is fickle. God’s got you darling. now go, enjoy your life. follow Him. tell people of God’s gift. and love love love.
- your past self

No matter what I should have never treated you the way I did. I’m sorry. It was selfish and cruel. I’ve been treated that way before and I know how badly it hurts. I have a lifetime of pain that I’m trying to work through to be a better person.

Did you ever want to get to know me or did you just see me as a hookup? Did you just want me because you couldn’t get the person you really wanted?

I truly believed you were good and were just misunderstood. Even after you flirted with my boyfriend I still forgave you. But once you started hurting my best friend I lost all respect for you. What kind of person hurts an innocent lovable human being. She has done nothing but love and be there for you but honestly, enjoy yourself surrounding yourself with boys. See if they'll always have your back.

fuck u. a true friend would've never done that to me and my best friend. I understand that you go through a bunch of stuff but seeing you flirt with j and m? what the actual fuck. i have so much love for you but the fact that you have no boundaries makes me have no respect for you. You continuously keep being heartless. I thought you were one of my best friends, but you proved me wrong. have fun with the guys and breaking their hearts all over again.

I wanted you but didn’t trust your intentions. You never even bothered to send me a text or keep up with me. You never seemed at all interested in having a conversation with me. You had someone else but made it seem like you wanted something with me. Was it just nerves or was I a game to you? That’s all I want to know. I want an honest answer and I deserve it.

Even if you couldn’t tell i was already depressed without all the mess of our relationship. And it felt like you wanted me to feel like shit.

I wish we could talk things through. I think we both had good intentions and things got screwed up. The thing is I know I can’t be that vulnerable.. especially with you. xo

I know you wrote to me on here in the summer time. It’s too coincidental. So why can’t you say how you feel to my face. You don’t understand how much your feelings for me show even when you try to hide them. That’s what hurts me the most. It felt like I was being strung along by you even though you had moved on. I knew if I saw you again, you’d keep stringing me along. I knew id never be able to move on if I let you keep playing with my heart. You’re with someone else and you have been for a while yet you wouldn’t let me go. I didn’t know how to tell you this because you would never open up to me. Seeing you guys together broke my heart but I could never tell you this. I hope you’re happy now and wish you the best but you broke me. I want to thank you for helping me to see my own flaws and life struggles- it means more to me than you’ll ever know. XO

Why couldn’t you have replied when I messaged you. I know I fucked up a lot but I cared and you were playing w my heart. I deserved an explanation.

hi! you are my best friend and anytime i’m with you i feel safe. i love you so much and i just wish you could see yourself the way i see you.

You really seem happy now and moved on. I’m glad and I think you deserve it. Nothing excuses the way I treated you and I’m sorry. I hope you didn’t believe anything I said because i never thought that poorly of you. Although, I think you hurt me on purpose at time and you were a little bit ill intended and bad at communicating- you didn’t deserve the way I treated you. I screwed up a lot more. I hope you weren’t trying to use me because you really made it seem like you wanted something real. I guess I’ll never know. I wish we talked things through and things ended better but you deserve to be happy and you seem like you are.

Idk why you changed your mind after leading me on for 6 months. I wish you understood how much I liked you :/

I purposely clog the toilet so when my mom takes a shit, I can have a snack for later #youknowwhatimean

I search my name hoping to hear from you everyday. If you ever see this, just leave your name under mine.

I hope it’s you every time I see a note under my name. I just have to accept I’ll probably never get to talk to you again.

I messed up so much with you. I always cared about you even if it seemed like it. I was in a really bad place and I can’t stand myself for how poorly I treated you. XO

I care about you so much. Why do you do these things to yourself? Is it to grab the attention of others so they’d like you more? You don’t realize how much you’re hurting yourself and it hurts me to have to watch you go on. I want the best for you.

i dont trust u
seeing the ss of u on ft w her kinda hurt ngl.
ik u wouldnt cheat but it still hurt
i j wanna stay here for u n mayb youll realize how much i love you
ur the only thing keeping me here
we both need to do better.

I wish I could’ve loved you the way you loved me. You’re such a good person and will always be in my heart.

AYO im submitting one for myself bc im mean


yeah anyways you fvcking suck, you bitch. fvck you. you do realize that most of this was your fault, right? you called CPS on Cam's parents, which literally fvcked up EVERYTHING, you're one of the main reasons why Lucas cant talk to you anymore, and you keep making everything worse. And back in March, what you did was fvcking horrible. You got into a relationship with Lucas when you didn't even like him back (at the time), what the fvck is wrong with you?



lol n e ways this is kinda dumb ngl


you're probably gonna fvck everything up again by going to the skatepark this saturday. do you not remember what happened last time? Angel even thinks its a bad idea, he used to fvcking encourage going every saturday to see if Lucas was okay. ig you just miss him *that much*.

cringe
imagine being madly in love with somebody


lol


:/

I get it. I know I’m the worst but understand I didn’t choose to be the way I am. My life wasn’t easy.