My final unsent...

I would literally give up every single possession I own to be happy with someone. I’ve ignored so many potential relationships over the years because I’ve been trying not to feel numb from my past relationship. I would never waste anyone’s time unless I truly felt love toward them. I’ve finally turned the corner and reached emotions with you I haven’t felt in a such a long time. I’ve opened up so much to you (which is very rare for me) and we haven’t even truly began yet.. The truth of it all is, I’m soooo tired of saying it and I want to show you, but you have to show me. I’m not asking much. I need proof I can hold that shows there’s something between us. I need to know I’m not going to be screwed over. If that’s not possible, I’m sorry, I CAN’T do this. It may sound stupid, and if it does, you’re not understanding my situation and the massive amount of anxiety added on top of what I already felt before. If that makes me weak or inferior to you, fine. Trust me, I feel like crap having to explain it, and worse that it’s come to this, but here we are.. balls in your court.

Have a Happy new year beautiful babe.

I’m definitely protective of you and I will always try to make sure to you feel comfortable in your own skin, but I’m going to need you to trust me tomorrow. I was planning on sitting in the car with you so we could talk, like the other day. I really really really wanted this to be a surprise with some romance, but I don’t want to stress you out beyond your limit. That wouldn’t be fun for either of us.. and that’s more important to me than anything. Let me know.. your car, my car doesn’t matter as long as we’re both vibing together.

If we don’t try, we’ll never know.. I’ll be gone from there one day and I’ll never see you again if I don’t try. That’s not an easy thought for me.. We will work things out, It just takes time and effort from both of us.

it’s a lot of responsibility being with someone and it scares me. i look at you and think, “i have to be extra delicate with this girl”. i think of all the other stuff that comes with it, like having to deal with the people that won’t like me simple because i’m older than you, or don’t share their beliefs. i’m aware i’m in for a lot of s*** that I’m not used to anymore. you’re worth it to me, but i know it’s not going to be easy for either of us at times. there will be storms to get through and i hope you’re aware of that.

I was thinking all night to myself and I don’t understand really what happened yesterday when you said what you said. I don’t know what was going on in your head but I’m taking it as you don’t feel the same about me as I do you.. I’m at the point where I have to stop going on my social media for a while because it’s too much. How did this happen? My feelings have progressed over the weeks for you and now I feel like crap. I haven’t given myself a chance to fall for someone like this in some time. Life comes at you fast...

..I started actually thinking about you more romantically the day you switched your pen in my department.. you said it was out of ink. I checked when you left and it totally wasn’t. I’m pretty sure that was your way of getting close. That really turned me on, not gonna lie. I actually still have that pen. I kept it in case the story was ever brought up. I never acted on it though because I didn’t think your family would accept me.

I’m starting to realize that night was the worst mistake and I’ll probably never see or hear from you now. I’ve had such a difficult past week. I’ve been trying to keep it together by visiting my family, but I’m still a mess because it’s just me, no you.... babe you deserve to be happy and it hurts to think you ever cried, I’m sorry. It hurts even more that I don't know the exact reason. I can’t do this anymore either. THIS is not proper communication when you love someone. I wish I could take your hand look you in your beautiful eyes and tell you everything I feel for you. I wish I could show you instead of tell you.. I’ll always love you.

The question that has been eating away at me is.. Were you honest with everyone there after what happened?.. Did you actually stand up and tell them about us? Or did you lie about the whole thing to save face?

The next day you’re off I will be at the m at that time. Hopefully I see you and we can just be ourselves. Just friends.. for now.

I feel my kindness is being taken advantage of and my gut is telling me that I can’t trust this situation anymore. I just can’t, it’s just not adding up and my feelings aren’t being taken seriously. What hurts most is you never even stood up for me.. I’m one text away if you actually want to talk it out and fix things, but I’m not doing THIS anymore..

Tbh Idk if you even respond to these most of the time.. I just want you to know that I’m not checking your social media anymore so don’t think I’m ignoring you. It’s for my own mental health..

..I know made a dumb mistake and I’ll never ask you to do something again that will cause you mental stress. It wasn’t my intention, the communication was bad. I love you, I just can’t trust this situation anymore. I'm sorry. If it’s going to work you have to be prepared for the shit storm that’s going to follow when people do know about us. You have to be prepared to tell people to f off or they will try to tear us down. I thought maybe you’d stand up for my character, but you didn’t. In fact you told them I gave you money.. That doesn’t give me any confidence that you have my back. If you want to talk to me we can fix the problem.. but you won’t, which is silly. I know you have an expectation of how things should go, but sometime you gotta let it go..

I don’t want to be shamed for sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings so i spare you that..

i also find it ridiculous that you won’t reach out to me. I guess you’re really going to be stubborn and die on that hill huh?

This is me showing I care and I’ve tried to keep things progressing. If you can’t see that, I’m sorry. If you have it fully set in your mind that there’s no way, we’re done.

I will do whatever it takes for us after that because I do love you, and I want to be there for you. If my one ask is too much, I respect your decision.

What If I have a mutual friend set things up? I’ll see him tomorrow. I’m not going to say anything to him unless you agree.. I may not be going back to that town for a long time (unless it’s with you by my side) but I will do what I can to be with you. Don’t forget, I have to make sure you’re safe and sound. You’re precious to me babe and I love you and miss you.. this is the best I can do right now.

What was the point of all this then? Why? Seriously why? You had a bf. WTF! I wish I never talked to you. I wish I never met you.

I don’t like the idea of tattoos on you, I honestly hate them in general. I’m trying to figure out if it’s something I can get over.. you do whatever makes you feel whole and don’t let me or anyone stop you from what makes you happy. It’s your body and that’s something I have to come to terms with or not, before we take it further. I don't want to cause us heart ache and I don’t want you to thinking I’m leading you on.

I don’t have a problem with you as you are.. but I think about later on down the line and what that might be like? I despise the idea of trying to control someone’s life so I’m thinking about whether I can accept it always being a thing or not. Not sure I can.. I don’t want to waste another second in limbo with you, but I don’t want to rush it and have the end result hurting anyone. I hope you understand.

What if I asked you out next time I see you? Would you hold it against me if I took things at a slower pace?

I’ve gotten too many mixed signals from you so I’m backing off. I don’t want to have to quit my job if it goes wrong. It’s all I have during this draining time.

I do think about you quite a bit. The thing that has stopped me in my tracks is that you’re years younger than me. It’s conflicting because I do think about how things would be with you and I really want to experience that or at least give it a try. If you feel the same, I’ll look for a sign or two.

I had to quit.. it’s whatever.. it sux nothing came from us, and I won’t see you, but I had to do it to know if you really felt the same way.. I really wanted you to feel wanted so you didn’t have to worry anymore. Despite me being looked at by everyone else as the villain and losing friends, I’d do it all over again with you if I could go back. I’d just be better on my part.

I care about you beyond any words I’m able to express at the moment.. Just always promise that you won’t go down the wrong road. The violent music you constantly listen to, the way you talk about not wanting to live, and your mental illness barriers you face, scare me for you. I don’t want you to end up with the wrong crowd and doing dumb impulsive things you’ll regret, like I did.. I’m always here for you if you need it though. I doubt you’d ever come to me for anything, but I’m always an open book, for what it’s worth.. you know how to find me. Bye

Now that I know you won’t see this, this will be the last time I write here.. it’s for me.. I was really starting to like the idea of you and I’m a fool for that.. it actually hurts a lot. More than I expected it to.. shit. To be honest I don’t usually talk about it but I don’t date because in the past I dated someone that literally took my soul from me and I’ve battled ptsd for some time because of it. You have no idea.. it’s dumb but that’s life.. it’s ok though I always make it through some how.. I’ll be mature about it with you.

you: “hey, you should totally come back to visit me and ask me out at the place where everyone thinks your complete trash because I told them I want nothing to do with you after you tried to bring me flowers.” lol smh

Happy thanksgiving to you and your family!

Ps I have to show you some better music :p. Can’t wait to see ya again.

i love you, but you’ve been a total butthead lately. just give me this one thing this one time.. just text me. we can even video chat if you have the stones.. i want to fix this whole thing.

I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll find someone, and to be totally honest, I started thinking about how it would annoy me seeing you with someone else because I really do feel something with you.. I like the idea of us. I’m already regretting this message as I write it, but I just can’t be with someone who thinks that ****face is anything but garbage. It annoys me because you don’t seem like that, but you are. It’s ok though, I’m not the type that’s going to try and convince you otherwise. I have to respect your view, it will only be a power struggle between us in the end.
P.s. this doesn’t mean I think any less of you and i won’t treat you differently.. if you have something to say, you should always say what you need to say.. I’m always here. ALWAYS.

I assume you believe what your family thinks. I won’t fault you for that, but I don’t have that bond with my family.l and I don’t think the way they do. That’s just who I am as a person

I haven’t lost any feelings for you, but after what happened, it’s all out of my hands now. I don’t think you’ll reach out to me, but if you did, it would change everything in a second.

Hey, my numbers on the clipboard under the paper attached to it. It’s on top the filing cabinet if that’s what you want... God, I hope I hear from you again. If I don’t, I’ll never forget you.

I don’t know if you’ll see this, but it’s ok to be yourself. I often wonder why you’re not with someone because you seem like such a catch.

I woke up at 4 and I can’t fall back asleep now.. I have so many thoughts going through my head. I didn’t mean what what I said about wishing I never met you. You were actually one of the cooler people I met there (like top 4 for sure). I’m just a hurt little
bitch-baby because I’m the idiot.. it felt different yesterday and I’ve realized it’s my problem for believing we had something. Honestly, I never thought I’d catch feelings for you this hard.. It just happened.

Why? I obviously know the truth, but I was praying to myself you said roommate, but you didn’t. I really felt annoyed at that point, not going to lie. Not to mention you didn’t seem too happy to see me.. I tried to find you outside but you were gone.
Ps. you better take that $.

I’m trying MY best to make things romantic and memorable for you, I know it’s not ideal, but I’m trying.. I honestly thought we were past all the games. You like me, I like you, let’s go.

Lmao men are dumb sometimes. To be honest I had a plan of what I was going to say the first time I talked to you, when you couldn’t have laid it out any clearer right in front of me. It completely threw me off when you said you were on your own. That’s the god given truth. You had me stumbling to think of what to say. Then you said the b word and I couldn’t wait to get out of there.
It’s ok, I don’t regret anything because I was able to do a few nice things for you and it also showed me that I REALLY want this to work with us. I still think how it all the dumb stuff could have been avoided though.. but ya boys an idiot.

You did nothing wrong, it’s on me. I need less time on social media (like 2-3 times a week). It’s taken it’s toll on me. I’m not used to being on everyday but am since it’s our only lifeline right now.

I tried finding you on snap even though I don’t really use it anymore.. I really want to ask you to hang out, but I don’t know how to now because I you don’t want me to tell anyone about you..

I often wonder if you had a lot of lousy men in your life growing up?.. If you really aren’t straight, that’s ok, I’ll always be here to support you. Life can be very confusing at times and things can stop making sense. It doesn’t always mean you’re gay.. unless you already know for sure. Either way, I still want to be your friend if it turns out that you are gay.. all I ask is please be sure you know what you want before we get too far. I don’t want to be destroyed months from now when you find someone else.

Also.. an FYI, to be up front, I don’t share my partners with anyone. If that’s what you want, I’m not the one for you. I only say this because I’ve literally been through this multiple times before in the past.

I love you. I literally only work out in the afternoon now and eat since I’m not there anymore so.. I’d like to make progress this week before Thursday, but we’ll see right?

Ya know, I brought you flowers that one faithful night.. I’m sorry it ended like it did for both of us. I just didn’t want anyone there in our business. some people will cause a problem if they see a chance to.

I’m not mad because I totally understand your perspective during that time. You’re most important to me and If I can leave there knowing I scored the best thing about that place, that’s a total win for me ;)

I Know I can message you any time and our problems will be solved. I just have to know that’s what you want. If you can’t see me somewhere it’s totally fine. Idc. It’d be much easier to talk on the phone first anyway. I’m all about seeing you happy. Just tell me. Otherwise I’ll end up messaging you and you’ll just delete your profile again.

Just know this is hard for me to do because I’m giving you the power to f*** me over if you wanted to. I’m trusting you.. I hope you also know, this means I have to be a follower, unless you open your dms. I’d just do snap, but I don’t know it. I saw it a long time ago but I can’t find you now.. if you open them dms I can slide in. I have a second anon account that I never use I can follow you with if that’s better for you. You can make one too and tell me the name. Whatever’s best for you babe.

even at times when I’m completely frustrated with us, i still smile inside at the thought of you. it stinks to think that we may not end up together now, unless one of us breaks and reaches out.. i’m sorry everything has become complicated. this has been really draining and I haven’t been myself lately. i honestly haven’t been out much and haven’t really wanted to.. there’s so much I want to say and know it sucks. you have no idea how difficult it’s been on my end. between obsessing, trying to figure you out and trying to make sure you’re ok, it’s exhausting. i hate having to try to read people.

If you're having a tough time you gotta tell me in your own words. I can’t read minds. You let me know how exactly you want me to help you, given I don’t have anyway to talk to you now that you stopped that from happening..

I’m not with the ghetto s***. It’s all brainwash and it rots the brain. Those artists don’t care about the lives they ruin just to make money. Fuck them all.

don’t you ever think about harming yourself. if you ever need anything i swear to god i’m here.. seriously! you have others that care too.. i do still love you and i’m still trying to figure things out between us. i’m not sure where we stand after this. i’ve just been getting my butt back on track. i never could tell when you were joking or not.. you are a funny person though.

I got you a gift. It’s not a huge deal. And I don’t need anything from you.. I’ll add and message you a little later today.. ok?

If it isn’t obvious that I love you and I want you more than anything and you’re the only one I think about by now, I’m not the one. I can’t read your god damn mind. I misinterpret you and it falls on me. I need interaction and actual words. You’re just too unpredictable for me to feel safe. It feels like this is one big game. You’re not willing to bend or budge, and you’re not being transparent enough for me. I keep telling myself it’s not our age difference, but I’m starting to think I might be wrong.