Unsent messages to LIESL

I’m definitely protective of you and I will always try to make sure to you feel comfortable in your own skin, but I’m going to need you to trust me tomorrow. I was planning on sitting in the car with you so we could talk, like the other day. I really really really wanted this to be a surprise with some romance, but I don’t want to stress you out beyond your limit. That wouldn’t be fun for either of us.. and that’s more important to me than anything. Let me know.. your car, my car doesn’t matter as long as we’re both vibing together.

I’m trying MY best to make things romantic and memorable for you, I know it’s not ideal, but I’m trying.. I honestly thought we were past all the games. You like me, I like you, let’s go.

Why? I obviously know the truth, but I was praying to myself you said roommate, but you didn’t. I really felt annoyed at that point, not going to lie. Not to mention you didn’t seem too happy to see me.. I tried to find you outside but you were gone.
Ps. you better take that $.

Happy thanksgiving to you and your family!

Ps I have to show you some better music :p. Can’t wait to see ya again.

I’ve gotten too many mixed signals from you so I’m backing off. I don’t want to have to quit my job if it goes wrong. It’s all I have during this draining time.

..I started actually thinking about you more romantically the day you switched your pen in my department.. you said it was out of ink. I checked when you left and it totally wasn’t. I’m pretty sure that was your way of getting close. That really turned me on, not gonna lie. I actually still have that pen. I kept it in case the story was ever brought up. I never acted on it though because I didn’t think your family would accept me.

I was thinking all night to myself and I don’t understand really what happened yesterday when you said what you said. I don’t know what was going on in your head but I’m taking it as you don’t feel the same about me as I do you.. I’m at the point where I have to stop going on my social media for a while because it’s too much. How did this happen? My feelings have progressed over the weeks for you and now I feel like crap. I haven’t given myself a chance to fall for someone like this in some time. Life comes at you fast...

Now that I know you won’t see this, this will be the last time I write here.. it’s for me.. I was really starting to like the idea of you and I’m a fool for that.. it actually hurts a lot. More than I expected it to.. shit. To be honest I don’t usually talk about it but I don’t date because in the past I dated someone that literally took my soul from me and I’ve battled ptsd for some time because of it. You have no idea.. it’s dumb but that’s life.. it’s ok though I always make it through some how.. I’ll be mature about it with you.

I don’t have a problem with you as you are.. but I think about later on down the line and what that might be like? I despise the idea of trying to control someone’s life so I’m thinking about whether I can accept it always being a thing or not. Not sure I can.. I don’t want to waste another second in limbo with you, but I don’t want to rush it and have the end result hurting anyone. I hope you understand.

I don’t like the idea of tattoos on you, I honestly hate them in general. I’m trying to figure out if it’s something I can get over.. you do whatever makes you feel whole and don’t let me or anyone stop you from what makes you happy. It’s your body and that’s something I have to come to terms with or not, before we take it further. I don't want to cause us heart ache and I don’t want you to thinking I’m leading you on.

I assume you believe what your family thinks. I won’t fault you for that, but I don’t have that bond with my family.l and I don’t think the way they do. That’s just who I am as a person

I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll find someone, and to be totally honest, I started thinking about how it would annoy me seeing you with someone else because I really do feel something with you.. I like the idea of us. I’m already regretting this message as I write it, but I just can’t be with someone who thinks that ****face is anything but garbage. It annoys me because you don’t seem like that, but you are. It’s ok though, I’m not the type that’s going to try and convince you otherwise. I have to respect your view, it will only be a power struggle between us in the end.
P.s. this doesn’t mean I think any less of you and i won’t treat you differently.. if you have something to say, you should always say what you need to say.. I’m always here. ALWAYS.

What if I asked you out next time I see you? Would you hold it against me if I took things at a slower pace?

I don’t know if you’ll see this, but it’s ok to be yourself. I often wonder why you’re not with someone because you seem like such a catch.

I do think about you quite a bit. The thing that has stopped me in my tracks is that you’re years younger than me. It’s conflicting because I do think about how things would be with you and I really want to experience that or at least give it a try. If you feel the same, I’ll look for a sign or two.