Unsent messages to KAITLYN

Am I the fool for thinking we would be in each others lives forever? I know people come and go but I didn’t want you to go.... I’m stupid for holding onto hope that one day it’ll be different aren’t i?

You are the most beautiful human ever. I think your lesbian or something but you are really attractive even tho there is probably no chance but I love you so much.

Youre not going to see this. I just don’t believe you come on here anymore.I haven’t written since that final goodbye I wrote here. But I saw it... I don’t know what in me told me to search that name up but I did... I thought all this time I was the only one suffering. I couldn’t imagine you still cried about what happened. I knew you were hurting but I didn’t know you hurt so much and so often throughout the friendship. I wish you’d have told me. Not just that you were hurting but what it was that hurt. You know I told you to tell me whenever that happens. Instead of distancing yourself. Maybe it was scary to do, but I would’ve tried to do better. I cant say you didn’t hurt me throughout either. I always felt like I did or said something wrong.. I felt like I wasn’t enough, or couldn’t live up to that best friend image you had of me. I tried to open up but it just ended up hurting you. There are many things I look back on and regret and wish I had done differently. But there are also things I feel weren’t okay on your end either. We never set boundaries for eachother. We were so caught up with how easy and unreal our bond was that we created so much expectations and ideas of one another instead of just accepting each others differences and who we are as people. We’re not perfect, we both have flaws. I’ve learned a lot about myself and about how I approach relationships. So thank you for such lessons. I don’t know what the point of writing this is.. I just.. no one would understand. I was hurt so much, I’m still hurt and yet I miss you so much still. How could I still care about someone who essentially broke me like no one has before? I felt so empty, so hopeless. I couldn’t eat.. I couldn’t talk to people. I just felt like I lost a part of me. You say I have better. I hate when you say that. Why did you always talk down on yourself? I loved you so much. You were everything to me. I tried to reassure you as best as I could. I’m sorry. My heart hurts writing this because as foolish as it may seem to everyone, I wish I could talk to you again. Even if it was for a moment, pretending like we were best friends again.

i don’t know why i can’t get you out of my head. i think there will always be a part of me that aches for you. is that bad?

youre my bestfriend and im sorry for always annoying you with my problems. ya saved my life. much love bestie.

you’re so toxic. you’re my bestfriend, but you’re toxic. i love you so much but you’ve hurt me in so many ways.

I’m sorry I don’t think I ever loved you like that, I just don’t know the difference between platonic and romantic.

Dear....
I have been meaning to talk to you, text you, and even call you. But it seems to me that when I do, I can tell you are no longer interested in the conversations and that is okay. But I have decided to write a letter to you without going into too much detail and it will be the last time you hear from me, I promise.
Our relationship did not start off with me thinking that I wanted to be your friend or anything more, instead it was just two very different people at the same place. But our soon to be “friendship” made me think that you were someone I could love, TRUST, and talk to for forever.
I could recall moments when people were telling me that you were the “shy type” or a “bitch” or that you were a “bully”. I thought it was funny because you were everything but those things to me. You made time out of your day to say hello, to make random conversation, and you would often remember the strangest things that I would say. You are most definitely not the type of person to just walk up to someone and ask how they are especially if you do not care, so when you were doing that to me, you intrigued me.
Of course, I was being stupid and I made a “mistake”. But that mistake made me realize so many things which I did not understand at the time so I did not bring it up for a while. I realized that I could possibly maybe like you (but my mind was nowhere near dating). But yes, I was thinking about you and to be honest I didn't want to because you are not my type just as much as I am not your type.
But before I could even say anything to you or before I could even figure out how to explain what I thought I was feeling, my words were twisted and taken away from me. I was quite embarrassed and I never admitted to that before but I really was. Not embarrassed that I liked you but because I didn't have the chance to let you hear it from me first and I am that person, I say what I feel (good or “bad”). But I made another mistake. I took it all back like it didn't mean anything.
I made myself distant because just looking at you made my day better and I was always waiting for you to say something that would make me smile or “laugh”. So I did the exact opposite. I wouldn't even look at you and most days I would ignore you.
BUT YOU TOOK EVERYTHING BACK and I still honestly think it was the fact that I was not given you any attention or maybe it was because you felt bad for me. Whatever the reason was, I just thought you were a liar. AND I trusted you and that trust was gone after what I heard. I NEVER wanted an apology or a revision of your words or how you said something you never meant because that is just a lie. I don't know why you didn't accept that it was all over but you just had to bring it back up.
We continued to talk but not normally, I would respond rudely or in short sentences but it wasn't to offend you. It was more for me, so I could just “move” on. But you kept insisting that something was wrong and so I really believed something was wrong. I confided in you. I told you everything. But every time I told you something, I ended up getting hurt.
You made this so hard for me because you kept coming back and you acted like you cared about me. I tried to give you space but it did not seem like it was enough. So I gave myself the option to act as if I could “start over” or “remove” you from being someone I could call a friend. So I decided to start over, and that did not work because I just fell for you again.
Everything always started off good but I just kept going around and around, I would land right where I started. I admitted too many things to you as time went on (which I probably shouldn't have bc I probably was not sober), because you were always so comforting to talk to because you made me believe that I could say anything to you. I was wrong. I am always wrong. I have the worst judgement when it comes to people because I simply love and I try to give everyone a chance. But trust is so important to me because once that is screwed over, I will no longer call you a friend.
I know you would never do anything intentionally to upset or hurt me, but you did. Most of it is my fault, but I can only take so much of the blame.

It started, when I did something I KNEW i would regret. But I truly live in the moment and I feel like you know that because I told you all the stupid things I have done.

yes this is from me to you. Yes, I loved you. You say our friendship was platonic and that you realized it too late. But that is just a lame bullshit excuse you pulled out of your ass to make me feel something. But i would be lying if I said I did not feel anything. The truth is, i felt too much when I was around you.

for some reason i'm so jealous of you and i almost dislike you, but at the same time i can never get you out of my head and i just want to makeout already

i was stupid, i'm sorry, i do miss you even though you wouldn't expect it:( i just wish that everything could be back as it was...

hey, i want you to know that you are the best friend i could ever hope for. it constantly hurts me that i cant tell you how unstable i am right now, because i know you care about me. i don't want to scare you and i want you to know that i am here for you. i'm so sorry.

You’re my best friend. The only one who understands exactly who I am and I am the one who understands who you are. I love you thank you so much for everything

You knew you broke my heart but you still did it. Thanks for the experience i'll use it on someone thats not you.

you say your just "honest" but girl you have to know when to keep your fucking mouth shut. I can't even count how many times I've cried myself to sleep because of you.

I love you a lot but you don’t want us to be together. I respect your decision but it hurts to know you’ll be happy without me.

Bruh Im so stupid to think you ever actually gave a fuck. All you care about is you. I genuinely loved you so much. You’re out doing whatever the fuck it is you’re doing now, and you aren’t thinking about me. You don’t care. You’re the most selfish person I have ever met. Sorry your mom fucked you up so bad. You should recognize your toxic traits and fucking grow from them you imbecile. Everyone knows what you did. No one is on your side. God. Dude I would’ve killed for you. Would’ve MARRIED you. Good luck finding someone who’s gonna love you unconditionally like me. Asshole.

This will be my final message here. Once again, you most likely won’t ever read this just like the last one. I’m glad you found peace, because everyone deserves to find what makes them feel good. To find where they’re most safe and comfortable. Someone asked how I felt, my response was “as much as it sucks, as much as it hurts. I’m glad they took the steps they needed to ensure they would be okay mentally. Obviously this wasn’t good for them, and in the end it became unwell for me too. That being said I hope it only continues to get better for them. As for myself, I’ll try my best too.” I don’t know what kind of person you think of me as but I hope that the time spent doesn’t feel like a waste. I hope that the times we laughed a lot, smiled, yelled, cried, and wished are moments you can look back on fondly instead of painfully. I will cherish each memory. one day when I’m strong enough to look back on them I hope to smile. I don’t think you ever realized how much you meant to me. After ‘that’ happened I remember saying I missed you. You said you were surprised and didn’t think I would. I remember thinking to myself. ‘How could she not know that each moment we don’t talk I miss them? I’ve thought I said it before.” Thinking now, maybe I didn’t say it enough. I don’t know how you felt or what you were thinking. Truthfully I don’t think you knew what I felt or thought either. Being misunderstood, I think we both misunderstood eachother. Maybe even at this moment we still do. We did things out of good intentions for the other but even with good intentions things can still come across completely opposite of what you might think or have wanted them to. That’s what I think at least. I could go on and on explaining my thoughts or intentions with every action but that would take too long and quite frankly you most likely don’t care anymore and won’t even read this. I want to say
Your experiences are yours yes, but don’t ever invalidate someone else’s. (Not to say you are, maybe this is more of a note to myself than to you) There are always two sides to every story. I tried hard to see yours and I’m sorry I couldn’t. I still never spoken badly of you to anyone. Even on here, the depressed heart broken teen messages on here? Yeah that’s me. You can tell I’m sure, I hope not to be confused with other messages here.( since toxic and hypocrite were ones you thought) Will you believe me? Probably not. I did try my best not to lie to you ever, even if the truth would hurt and sometimes I wish I just lied instead. Once again you’re most likely not reading this haha. It’s 11:11 as I type this. Wow. Ahh so much to say so little space. This note... i find it hard to end it. But I must.. I will finish with this. I loved you so much, that sometimes the emotions scared me. No not in a romantic way.. but platonic best friend way. I was never comfortable with those words. To this day I’m still not and much less now. But for a time you taught me it was okay to say it. And with you I felt comfortable to do so. So thank you for that. There are many kinds of soulmates in the world. I still think you’re one of them just not in the way we always said we were. I still worry, I still care. But all I can do now is just wish you a good life. I hope you have a life where you’re never alone. And that you have much love around you. That you get to accomplish your dreams and live how you truly want to. I hope you have people to go to when you’re low, and people to cheer for you when you’re at your highest. Thank you for everything, I hope it wasn’t all painful. As I said once, regardless where we are if you need someone I’ll always be here for you no matter what the hell happened or happens. Don’t ever forget that. People grow and people change maybe one day we’ll meet again when we’re ready. In this life .. or another. This is it my final Goodbye.

bitch ur cool asf and you deserve the world, and stop saying you mess everything up because you don’t. love u lots ig. xoxo, me bitch aka ur dumbass self

You aren’t going to see this. But I’m sorry I made it about myself. But the last thing I will say in regards to it is one time you pulled away I didn’t talk to you and it resulted in you saying promises were broken and your heart was broken. I thought giving you space at the time was right but definitely not. I wrote a letter expressing what was hurting and upsetting me in hopes that it could allow you to open up and say what was hurting you. It felt like you took it as me just saying you’re the worst person. Which in no way was my intention. I wanted to talk about things you were holding in. I wanted to acknowledge and learn what I was doing wrong. It did help see perspective and allow me to better understand a few things.Which is why when you started ignoring me I remembered our talk and didn’t worry because you said you can’t help when you pull away. The last time I gave you space resulted in a mess, so I just kept messaging as normal. I felt annoying but I wanted to reassure you I was here. It was hard since I would see you talk normally to everyone but again, I just felt it would be best to keep trying even though I felt the problem was most likely me. I messaged your friends because I saw your tweets under Hongjoong. I was scared and worried and I knew you wouldn’t answer me so I asked your friends to reach out. And you know you DID answer them. They all told me you did so I knew then and there it was because of me. I didn’t want to think it was but you made it clear. So when you say I made it about me this is why. If it wasn’t, I apologize here and now. I don’t know what defines a true friend but all I wanted was to just talk and work things out because again you were my best friend and I wish I knew how to express that properly. We’re both not mind readers so how could we know what we really felt or think? I will end this note with no, I didn’t send those messages but as you said it’s obvious which ones I did.

i really thought we were going to make it. living together. starting a family. i’ve never wanted that. until you.

i think i like you. i really really think i like you. the thing is i don’t want to ruin it. you deserve better i’m sorry.

I wonder if you still go on this site. Or if you ever send me anything. Probably not.. but wouldn’t it be nice if we could somehow still communicate like this at least? I want to hold onto that hope

I miss you. I dont know what happened to our friendship. we kinda just drifed and it sucks. I really hope that oneday you will text me at some point. once again i miss you k.

If I could go back, I think I would’ve cherished each moment a little more. My mistake was ever opening up. I should’ve lived silently with the pain. Then at least you’d still be here

Let your friends help you, and open up to people. You will need them in the future. -your future self

I know things are incredibly hard for you, and that you had to make some pretty tough decisions lately.. but I’m really proud of you for them. You really did what is best for the both of you, and if they don’t want to see it then that’s okay! Maybe they will one day, maybe they won’t. But you’re going to heal from this quicker because you did what was needed. I’m proud of you and I love you. Don’t let anybody else tell you otherwise!

The BIGGEST hypocrite. Take a good look at yourself and notice how the shit you hated other people doing is EXACTLY what you do.

You were right. You don’t know when the last time you’ll be able to tell someone“I love you” is. I can’t say it to you directly so I’ll say it here in hopes you read it. But I did and do love you.

You’ll never understand, or maybe you just don’t want to realize that you’re someone I would do everything and anything for.

Fuck you, you ugly ass whore. Stop trying to shift realities he’s a fictional character. Anyways love you lots you ugly gremlin. - your only friend, cuz ur a ugly dumbass

i’m sorry that i made you out to be someone you weren’t ready to be. i’m sorry you mistook me caring for you as me trying to “fix” you. you’re not broken, you never were. im sorry that i pushed harder every time you pulled away. take care of yourself, you know where i’m at if you need me.

I still think of you when I hear every love song and daydream about what we could have been if I never pushed u away

i miss you. i miss lying on my roof together watching the stars. i think i will always be in some type of love with you.