Unsent messages to KAI

i wish i could just call you one last time. i just wish i could call you and say goodbye. i miss you. i love you.

I love you I’ll always love you even if we’re apart and don’t speak Bc even your silence says a million words

its only been a month and im already over you, you made it so obvious why i was losing feelings for you in the relationship, and it all hit me again. all i wanted was at least a new years message, but of course, you couldnt provide, it was always me supporting you, and you never returning the favor, im glad you made it easy to get over you, im not going to be there for you anymore and im so fucking glad you're not in my life anymore.

i wish you never became your intrusive thoughts. you deserve happiness, it hurts to see you doing so much damage to yourself and soon enough others. i'm sure you still remember the police telling you, "you are a danger to yourself and others".
all i wanted was this to all fix. i love you.

I just wish you loved me as much as I love you. It will never happen though, so I’ll let you go.
I deserve better.

thank you. thank you for giving me a chance, thank you for watching me become the person i am now. it's hard. so hard. we may not be lovers anymore, but i still love you just as i did for the past two years. im not with you anymore, im with someone else. but i hope you can still be here.

I texted you I told you everything thanks for staying my friends I may have put up some walls because I don’t wanna get hurt tbh thank you for saving me from making a mistake now I can go back to her and actually feel like myself again.

do you like this color?it makes me think of you so ill think ill stick to it. you've moved on and im so happy for you by the way.maybe one day we can finish what we started. you know I was happy we were together. remember when you called me cutie and I told you I didn't like it? I lied it was different when you said it.when I felt insecure because summer was beautiful and I wasn't anywhere near as pretty the moment you said I was beautiful I wiped my tears away and reminded myself you didn't care you liked me and I fell in love with you that day.you told me I made you want to live if only you knew how bad of a place I was in until you came into my life.im not moving on I promise I won't let anyone call me the things you did. I won't date anyone just incase you decide to come back. that being said I hope this relationship of yours works out.please stay alive and keep fighting for the love you once had for me.the moment you need me come find me please don't give up im forever grateful for you kai.

I should probably stop writing these I just wrote one but I cant this makes up for the fact I cant actually talk to you. my friends keep telling me not to text you but should I listen to them?well thats if you even want to talk to me is this stupid? I convinced myself that we could never work out because of how far you lived but maybe just maybe if I tried harder if I put in more effort It could have. do you still think of me?do you regret falling in love with me?I know you'll never see this but is it okay to still love you?is it okay if one day I text you and tell you you're still the only person I wanna hold.

im sorry I couldn't keep my promises maybe one day maybe in another life time we'll be able to finish what we hoped would work out.ill always be by your side even if im not physically there just know you're always on my mind and I still love you.

I never got over what you did to me, I still get weird about guys touching me because of it, none of our friends know because it's too late for me to tell them

i love you so much and you mean the world to me but i'm scared that you are gonna leave me like everyone else in my life

hi there first love i know you're actually never going to read this but thank u so much for like teaching me so much about myself you still hold such a dear place in my heart and im so sad that we drifted but i am so grateful for all of our middle school memories you mean so much to me

You were the first person I actually loved. Funny how you’ll never see me the same again. I still love you

Dude.... what the heck man, you meant the world to me and you still truly do. Why didn't you say goodbye? Why didn't you tell me what was going on? Why didn't you let me help? I know you won't see this because you are no longer on this earth and I still can't accept the fact that my besets friend in this entire world no longer walks on this planet :( I miss you man, alot. And I wish I was able to give you one last goodbye, and one last hug, and one last "goodnight bro, don't go to sleep too late" You will still ALWAYS be my best friend for freaking life and I HATE WHAT YOU DID DUDE. AND BRO IM GETTING COLLEGE OFFERS FOR FOOTBALL AND I STILL WEAR YOUR NUMBER!!!!Also I thought you'd like to know that I told my gf all ab you and I think she likes you man:) I hope you're ready to the best man at my wedding bc I promised that you would be ? rest easy brother.... I love you so freaking much man and I think about you every second of my life and I will continue to do that for the rest of my life. Until next time dude. I love you forever ?

i’m sorry i took so long to open up and by the time i was ready you had given up trying.im sorry i didn’t try hard enough.

you were never there for me. you were always busy and never spent time with me. i wish you were more open and expressed how you feel more often. i wish you would say that you were proud of me. the only time you would ever talk to me is to criticize me.

you still make me nervous when we talk. it has been 5 months since we met and you still have that effect on me

i told you to never touch me like that. i trusted you so much. i once felt safe with you. i hope you hurt just as much as i do.

I wish you had fought harder for us. You are my right person wrong time and I think what could have been will haunt me forever

U were never my first big love or something like that, but u were my bestfriend for over 4 years. Thats a long time where we got to know each other better and better. U knew everything about me and I knew everything about u. It was the perfect friendship. U helped me in my baddest phases and so did I. We always wanted to see each other happy. We wanted to let each other love ourselves. It worked tho. U helped me zo get trough a lot of shit and kept me alive. Im still fuckin thankful for that. I always asked u if u were okay and u always responded with ''Yes I am''. U even promised it. I belived u. But actually, after 4 years of our friendship, I had to know that something is not okay with u. I didnt noticed it. And fuck. Now ur frickin gone and I cant do anything about that. U killed urself on the 29.08. I got the news by ur parents. U didnt left a note or something. U dont know how painful it was. My heart dropped and shattered into thousands of pieces in a sec. Ur gone forever and I know that its my fault. Im starting to fail everything rn. I fail school, I fail to have contact with others, I just push them away and hurt them, because I am the hurt one. And Im failing to keep myself alive lately. Its enormously hard and painful to just sit here in the dark at 4am and write this. It just hurts. I cant handle this shit anymore. I want help so bad, but I cant talk with anyone. I just cant. Im scared that they dont give a fuck. I just know that this doesnt help me. Its so painful. It hurts so bad. I miss u so fuckin much holy. I will try anything to make u proud Kai. Anything. Im trying. I love u and i will always love u.

i dont love you. it wouldnt make any logical sense to claim that. but im too preoccupied to write a song about my feelings atm so its coming out here. i think you only have the small interest you do because i was weirdly persistent mixed with the fact that you find me at least mildly attractive. scared that i feel nothing but there is obviously something there to feel extremely jealous of every other girl you interact with. ugh. akdsnisadkms. (duck face emoji peace sign emoji)

You will forever be my soulmate even though you fell in love with someone that isn’t me and we were doing so good together as a couple but said we were best friends.

I love you :)
Always have and always as will. I wish I could tell u. But so many people like you I probably don’t stand a chance. Thank you.

i apologize for everything. everything ive written is really just to get stuff out. not for people to actually take in. and im sorry to ariel. it was just all the information i got from sis and hers relationship was from when sis talked to me and from other people. i wish i could hate you too. or that you could hate me. or that ariel and sis would hate me. or i could hate them but i dont. i wont burn your clothes. thats not my thing ya know. the colts shirt is fine. honestly it looks better now. anyway ill beheading out of your life as much as possible. although with pep band that might not go so well. and school work sucks. and being quarantined hasnt helped my motivation either. im realizing that all the feelings that im feeling you probably are in certain aspects. i apologize for everything i write on here lol. although they were thoughts that i had yes. and thoughts i sometimes still have. but i don't intend them to hurt. and i know they do. thank you for the time i was given with that friend group. the world just seems out of balance- literally and metaphorically- and i just wish something would go right for everyone
-allie
(oh and im sorry for assuming you were ready to talk. i mean i didnt know if you were ready but i knew maybe if we tried to communicate there wouldnt be well miscommunications. that was my bad)

thank you. i never wanted you to feel hurt. and i never intended anything negative towards you and i still dont. anyway goodbye im still confused and i understand. im glad youre living your life. please find someone. thanks

Thank you. Thank you for being by my side. Thank you for loving me, thank you for accepting every inch of me. Thank you for making me smile, for making me feel the luvkiest person in the world. Thank you for making me feel special, for making life easier. You're my sunshine, my world, my baby. I don't wanna loose you. Never. You're the one I want to marry, you're the one I want a future with. You're the one who never Fails to make me feel alive. Please stay with me. I love you with my heart, body and soul to death.

i dont like you. im sorry but im too scared to say im not interested and i don't know what this will do but its worth a shot. manifestation, yk?

Whenever i start to think my mind comes across you. I wish that things could have been different but they´re not and your with someone else now. Even though it kills me i truly hope your happy.

you are truly one of the best people i've met, and i don't regret the two years i spent hung up on you. it's good to see you happy :)

i literally love you so much and i know you probably dont feel the same but every night when we call no matter what happened that day, everything gets better the moment we talk. and despite the fact i constantly feel like youre only staying because you pity me, my dumbass caught feelings and even if you just see me as a friend i want you to know that you'll always be my favourite person in the world

its been 11 months since u left. and u have ur reasons as to why you left and that's ur decision but I just wanted u to know how happy u made me. how every single day I had u in my life I never once thought of killing myself. u brought me a type of happiness I haven't felt in years. I miss u a lot more than I thought I would. but now I gotta move on without u in my life. I'm saying everything I couldn't say to u, I wish u would text me, but until our paths cross again I wish u nothing but happiness, at the end of the day I just wanted u to be happy with or without me.

i wish you knew how loved you really are. you deserve the world and the things id do to give it to you. im sorry youve been fucked over so much. when you said you wanted to go i couldnt stop crying for hours and hours, you mean so much to me, i couldnt get back from it as much and im sorry for not acting the same. i love you so much, its a bit selfish but oh well. i hope you find someone that brightens your day like no other, one who you talk to the stars about, one who you can hold. i wish we could meet. take care of yourself okay

Sometimes I wonder if it happened at a later time instead of when we were 14, would things have been different - when we matured?

i regret being cold to you and blocking u on everything, but fuck i cant deal with this and its only been a day, i want to wake up and realise this was just one of those stupid dreams i have

the spot where we laid is still there. i wish you were different. i miss you sometimes and i don’t know why.

i caught myself thinking abt u the other day. i haven't seen u in 2 yrs but i hope ur dad's less of a dick now

i still love you.
from the second I saw you, talked to you, texted you. you have forever been in my heart.

I wish that you still felt the same I hate that you played with my feelings for so long and I knew it was happening but I constantly craved the attention I got from you. You were the first person I said “I love you” and I actually meant it. I know you want her and not me I get it, she’s perfect, she’s got a good body and doesn’t have problems like me. I wish I kept my mouth shut I would give anything to get back what we used to have. I think about you all the time and I wish you the best for everything. Live you always

Nobody likes you because you never shut up or say anything nice. Just leave us all alone. Can’t you see we don’t want you here?

When I think of you I smile, and when you walk by me I know you are there. It is you who I love, it is you who has helped me. I will never forget my first day in school, and it was you, you who I saw and I knew that I would love you forever.

i love you, so much and probably wouldn’t be myself or happy without you. you’re my everything and you make me smile i know this may sound cheesy but it’s all true i really do love you :).

I miss you like crazy and god, I still have feelings for you. But I want you to be happy.. even without me. You like someone else and that okay, I understand. I just wish I could tell you how much I still love you..

dear kai. you don't even consider me to be a best friend. yet i would sacrifice everything for you. i just wish things between us were different. you hate everything about yourself yet i think you're a galaxy because you have endless wonders. i like that about you. i wouldn't say i love you, but i do like you a whole ton. you're my friend now, and i never want to let you go, so that means i'm going to have to keep this to myself, because i know your a fact that you don't feel the same. love ya bro.

I dont understand how you love. I wish I could know so I could tell you how much I loved you but now its too late. Sadly to say that you live far away but that couldnt stop me from catching feelings. I wouldve done anything for you. I would jump off a cliff for you. I would kill somebody for you. I loved you too hard and you just didnt love me back. Not like you said you did. I know you told me everyday that you loved me and I believed you for sometime. I believed you for too long. You started to show that you didnt. I began to process that once you got what you wanted, you got bored of me. That sucks because I wouldve never gotten bored of you. I wouldve never left you but now I can feel you slipping through my fingers and I can no longer grasp you because youve slipped to far. I wish you wouldve told me you were leaving so I could know in advance. So I could be ready. Now Im sitting here still hurt. Months and months and I still cant get over you. I wish you could come back. I wish you never left because you were my everything. You were my safe place, you were my home and now Im homeless. Now I dont know what to do with myself. I told you somethings I wouldve never told anybody and now you just have that information of me. Hopefully someday you can forget what I told you, just in case I never see you again. I love you and I miss you. I will never stop loving you Kai.

i wish you could love yourself bc u meant so much to me but how could expect u to luv me when u couldnt luv ur self

Why’d you leave me without any closure? I miss you so much and I wish we could’ve stayed friends at least...I just wish I could’ve said goodbye or anything...It’s like I never mattered to you at all

Prince Zuko... Just kidding, hi Kai :) it is hard for me to say things to people sometimes, but you are always easy to talk to. I love you all the numbers, no matter what. You are one of the best friends I've ever had.

hi, we were friends in kindergarten and that was such a long time ago considering we are in college now but i just wanted to say thank you for the pokemon drawing and stationary things. u made me happy

i wish it could have been something, more than a fantasy or mistake. i still hold out hope for some god forsaken reason, that one day, somehow, something more will happen. i feel like i blew it, but was there really anything to blow? i like talking to you but its never for as long as id want. ur pretty cool