Stop saying I hurt you and stop acting like I’m the not loyal when you tried to make me jealous in every way possible

Stop saying I hurt you and stop acting like I’m the not loyal when you tried to make me jealous in every way possible

kai, uve helped me so much. ure the first person who has ever understood my feelings and made me feel heard, when i would cry and rant to people it never rlly felt like they understood my pain but u always have, u have the best replys and everytime i see ur name pop up in chat i get all happy idk why. everytime ur sad ill always try and help i just want u to be happy i feel like u deserve the world rn all the things uve gone through its just awful i love u so much i hope you know i care and uve saved me multiple times. please never leave me. thank u so much for being my friend, i hate making friends bc i always get nervous that they are gonna not like me but ive never rlly felt that way about u, u make me feel safe and calm rlly ure rlly the only friend i want really. thank u so much for all u do for me

I texted you I told you everything thanks for staying my friends I may have put up some walls because I don’t wanna get hurt tbh thank you for saving me from making a mistake now I can go back to her and actually feel like myself again.

Thank you. Thank you for being by my side. Thank you for loving me, thank you for accepting every inch of me. Thank you for making me smile, for making me feel the luvkiest person in the world. Thank you for making me feel special, for making life easier. You're my sunshine, my world, my baby. I don't wanna loose you. Never. You're the one I want to marry, you're the one I want a future with. You're the one who never Fails to make me feel alive. Please stay with me. I love you with my heart, body and soul to death.

kai, we’ve always been an on and off again couple, a lot of the times due to me being insecure, thank you for always loving me and treating me like i’m the only person in this world that matters to you, forever grateful to have met you, i’ve learned endless life lessons thanks to you and i will always carry love for you no matter what you do. thank you for just being you because i’m madly in love with you. i’m sorry if i’m not enough at times it’s really hard sometimes but thank you for always reassuring me . i truly love you . like you said let’s stick together yeah?

thank you. thank you for giving me a chance, thank you for watching me become the person i am now. it's hard. so hard. we may not be lovers anymore, but i still love you just as i did for the past two years. im not with you anymore, im with someone else. but i hope you can still be here.

You may not have been there for me but you were the only one who cared, I was careless. I'm sorry that I hurt you

I just wish you loved me as much as I love you. It will never happen though, so I’ll let you go.
I deserve better.

i wish you never became your intrusive thoughts. you deserve happiness, it hurts to see you doing so much damage to yourself and soon enough others. i'm sure you still remember the police telling you, "you are a danger to yourself and others".
all i wanted was this to all fix. i love you.

i really felt different about you. you made me laugh 24/7 and then one day you left and now you’re making her laugh and she looks at you the way i dreamt about one day looking at you.

god, i'm so in love with you. that's what i never told you- i don't just have feelings for you. i am so, incredibly, undeniably, in love with you and it hurts but at the same time it feels so incredibly good. so real. so alive. loving you keeps me alive, and i wouldn't trade that for anything. i don't care if you never love me back. truly. i care about you too much to care about such trivial things as one-sided love. just stay alive. stay here. stay with me. live life, make memories, listen to the good songs and the bad songs and everything inbetween because i promise, it is so, so incredibly worth it.

thank you. i never wanted you to feel hurt. and i never intended anything negative towards you and i still dont. anyway goodbye im still confused and i understand. im glad youre living your life. please find someone. thanks

i just dont know how i feel anymore, one day i think i like you or someone else the next i just feel like stop being your friend. i’m such a shit person and dont want too live like this anymore, the truth is i never got better tbh. living like this feels like a chore and i hate how i act, you were the only person i felt comfortable around but i’m not sure anymore, i just keep getting more numb and worse.

i wish you could love yourself bc u meant so much to me but how could expect u to luv me when u couldnt luv ur self

i apologize for everything. everything ive written is really just to get stuff out. not for people to actually take in. and im sorry to ariel. it was just all the information i got from sis and hers relationship was from when sis talked to me and from other people. i wish i could hate you too. or that you could hate me. or that ariel and sis would hate me. or i could hate them but i dont. i wont burn your clothes. thats not my thing ya know. the colts shirt is fine. honestly it looks better now. anyway ill beheading out of your life as much as possible. although with pep band that might not go so well. and school work sucks. and being quarantined hasnt helped my motivation either. im realizing that all the feelings that im feeling you probably are in certain aspects. i apologize for everything i write on here lol. although they were thoughts that i had yes. and thoughts i sometimes still have. but i don't intend them to hurt. and i know they do. thank you for the time i was given with that friend group. the world just seems out of balance- literally and metaphorically- and i just wish something would go right for everyone
-allie
(oh and im sorry for assuming you were ready to talk. i mean i didnt know if you were ready but i knew maybe if we tried to communicate there wouldnt be well miscommunications. that was my bad)

I love you :)
Always have and always as will. I wish I could tell u. But so many people like you I probably don’t stand a chance. Thank you.

sometimes i think we are meant to be and that this is just another one of our "breaks" and that we will reconnect and be as close as ever like we always do, but deep down something is telling me this is it. it's not helping that we have to do online school so there is not even a chance of interacting with u. i just have hope for us and something in me just always leads back to u idk what it is. i hope we reconnect soon cause i promise you this time i will not be letting you go. i have so much more to say.

u ruined my favorite songs. i made u a playlist with songs i love and songs that remind me of u and now anytime i hear any of those songs they make me think of u. u ruined it all and now u dedicate those songs to her. i used those songs to express how i felt for u and now u use them for her.

i have forgotten how it feels to hug u. i have forgotten how it feels to hold ur hand. i have forgotten ur scent. i have forgotten how it feels to talk to u. i have forgotten ur likes and dislikes. i have forgotten how i felt when i looked at u whether u knew i was looking or not. my head use to have a reserved spot for u filled with everything there is to know about u and all those memories that use to mean so much to me. i want them back i want the feelings everything and anything good or bad i just want to know u again. i just want the fog to clear for now i'll just sit and complain and try to uncover all the things that are now foggy.

sometimes i wish u guys would just break up. i try to convince myself that u guys won't last and u and i will reconnect in anyway soon. deep down i have this gut wrenching feeling that u guys will last even tho we are all still young. who knows what will happen all of the shit i submit on here is just stuff i am too scared to say to u well not scared i just can't i don't want u to see me like this ig i want u to think that idc but deep down i think i have always cared more about u and "us" more than u did.

i know i loved u more than u ever loved me. i never expressed it because idk how to i never had any way to know what love is like in real life my only form of seeing people "love" eachother was in films and fanfiction as stupid as it seems. i wish i could've figured it out. what i would do just to tell u that i loved u i really did even tho it didn't seem like it and i claimed i didn't multiple times i did. ofc i loved u, but i just always thought and still think that i am too young and that i don't know what love is so that's why i always told u we could date when we were older. ig i didn't and still don't believe that people are age can love someone else how i think i love u. it always makes me doubt myself but tbh if i imagine us older and imagine all the things that have happened and all the things i have felt i would see it as love. maybe deep down i don't want to feel like this and i don't want someone to have this power over me so that's why i come up with these excuses. maybe i am too young to love u, but hell maybe i am not i'd come out for u not to my family because they would just full on disown my but i would come out completely at school (i kinda am but not really completely) i would hold ur hand again at school because when we did it was only a few times and ik we wouldn't run into someone i wouldn't want seeing plus we only did it between periods while walking to class together. if we could be together again i would be around u all the time i would cling to u more because another reason why i feel like we didn't work out is because ik i made u feel like i didn't care and that what we had didn't mean anything to me. if we got the chance to be together in anyway i promise u i would let u know how i feel i promise i would let u know that i don't want to be friends who sometimes act like they aren't just friends and that i want to be in a relationship with u and actual relationship and not some 1 day or summer fling, but an actual relationship. if u guys broke up i would jump at the opportunity and find some way for us to reconnect again i promise. the thing is i won't ever tell u this as long as u are with her no matter how strongly i feel for u and how many realizations i come to about how i feel about u i would never ever ever ever ruin ur relationship because she's probably better for u than me, but deep down i think i am better for u. i would and have multiple times stand up for u for us anytime and to anyone and ik she couldn't do that she's too nice. i don't understand how u could have "loved" me yet u love her. i am pretty bitchy and she is so sweet i can't even hate her she has been nothing but nice to me. last thing i want to say is does she know? did u ever tell her about us? ik u and her were best bestfriends long before i even came along and that i just came along and maybe ruined ur guys' blossoming soon to be relationship. i wish we didn't have to be a secret when we were together, but that's what made it special the fact no one knew so no one could comment on us. now my friends know and have given their opinions do ur friends know?

I miss you..
I think about your touch & I just melt.. I smile & start to cry. I dream about you everyday, I hope you come back someday. Remember how we said “someday” .. I stand by that.

I still love you, and I don’t know if you still love me but I still get butterflies every time we speak or every time your name pops up on my screen

You will forever be my soulmate even though you fell in love with someone that isn’t me and we were doing so good together as a couple but said we were best friends.

I fucking hate your guts, but you wanted a relationship more serious than i could give you and you made me feel bad that when i broke it off. You’re the worst. I wish i never wasted all that time with you and i wish i never cried over you. You took my best friend and left me me to feel shit. I know we’re still friends but i lost all trust in you on that day and you’ll never get it back.

bro i miss you so much. you were my person. after everything u did to me and put me thru i’ll love you forever meatball. i wish things were cool between us now. i hope ur ok and happy

i regret being cold to you and blocking u on everything, but fuck i cant deal with this and its only been a day, i want to wake up and realise this was just one of those stupid dreams i have

Sometimes I wonder if it happened at a later time instead of when we were 14, would things have been different - when we matured?

i hate how you consume me, all i want to do is be loved by you but i hate you so much, you make me feel stupid

This is so when you search your name, you know someone loves you. I'm dtf but Ik you're not the one. I still love you as a person. It's okay to not be okay.

i proceeded to love you while i didn’t love myself. i hurt you in ways i thought weren’t possible. i love you. i’m sorry.

i dont love you. it wouldnt make any logical sense to claim that. but im too preoccupied to write a song about my feelings atm so its coming out here. i think you only have the small interest you do because i was weirdly persistent mixed with the fact that you find me at least mildly attractive. scared that i feel nothing but there is obviously something there to feel extremely jealous of every other girl you interact with. ugh. akdsnisadkms. (duck face emoji peace sign emoji)

U were never my first big love or something like that, but u were my bestfriend for over 4 years. Thats a long time where we got to know each other better and better. U knew everything about me and I knew everything about u. It was the perfect friendship. U helped me in my baddest phases and so did I. We always wanted to see each other happy. We wanted to let each other love ourselves. It worked tho. U helped me zo get trough a lot of shit and kept me alive. Im still fuckin thankful for that. I always asked u if u were okay and u always responded with ''Yes I am''. U even promised it. I belived u. But actually, after 4 years of our friendship, I had to know that something is not okay with u. I didnt noticed it. And fuck. Now ur frickin gone and I cant do anything about that. U killed urself on the 29.08. I got the news by ur parents. U didnt left a note or something. U dont know how painful it was. My heart dropped and shattered into thousands of pieces in a sec. Ur gone forever and I know that its my fault. Im starting to fail everything rn. I fail school, I fail to have contact with others, I just push them away and hurt them, because I am the hurt one. And Im failing to keep myself alive lately. Its enormously hard and painful to just sit here in the dark at 4am and write this. It just hurts. I cant handle this shit anymore. I want help so bad, but I cant talk with anyone. I just cant. Im scared that they dont give a fuck. I just know that this doesnt help me. Its so painful. It hurts so bad. I miss u so fuckin much holy. I will try anything to make u proud Kai. Anything. Im trying. I love u and i will always love u.

I wish you had fought harder for us. You are my right person wrong time and I think what could have been will haunt me forever

I never thought I’d say this but I’ve finally fallen in love again and I’m so happy it’s not with you.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing you. Maybe I'm not losing you, I'm losing it. All I know is I don't want to. If you were to ask me what I really want, I would say you. I'm wildly in love with you. I know it's not right, I know I'm not supposed to be, but I am. There's nothing else to say though, I know this will always be unrequited. It's okay. As long as I can keep you in my life, it's all okay.

(yellow because u remind me of the sun and all the joy u bring us) Hey, we haven't really talked in a while. How've you been? I mean we've facetimed, but only for class. I don't think we've had an actual conversation in ages. I miss that. And I miss you. I know your busy but I we're drifting apart somehow. I'm still glad we're in touch though, and i love you. Thank you for all the laughs

Why can’t you just text me. Even tho we haven’t been together in over two years I can’t get you off my mind. I think about you all the time. All I want most in life is you and it fucking sucks. I have no idea if you even think about me or even loved me but I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you

today marks 2 years since my assault. i just want to feel safe again in your arms.
i miss you.
i love you.
forever yours.

You were the first person I actually loved. Funny how you’ll never see me the same again. I still love you

the spot where we laid is still there. i wish you were different. i miss you sometimes and i don’t know why.

hi there first love i know you're actually never going to read this but thank u so much for like teaching me so much about myself you still hold such a dear place in my heart and im so sad that we drifted but i am so grateful for all of our middle school memories you mean so much to me

I often think about you and the first time I saw you and how you made me feel. You were the first person I ever loved. You completely broke me, it wasn't even your fault most of the time. I did it to myself, you broke me. I became addicted to the way you made me feel, broken. For 6 years I was yours but you were never mine.

I dont understand how you love. I wish I could know so I could tell you how much I loved you but now its too late. Sadly to say that you live far away but that couldnt stop me from catching feelings. I wouldve done anything for you. I would jump off a cliff for you. I would kill somebody for you. I loved you too hard and you just didnt love me back. Not like you said you did. I know you told me everyday that you loved me and I believed you for sometime. I believed you for too long. You started to show that you didnt. I began to process that once you got what you wanted, you got bored of me. That sucks because I wouldve never gotten bored of you. I wouldve never left you but now I can feel you slipping through my fingers and I can no longer grasp you because youve slipped to far. I wish you wouldve told me you were leaving so I could know in advance. So I could be ready. Now Im sitting here still hurt. Months and months and I still cant get over you. I wish you could come back. I wish you never left because you were my everything. You were my safe place, you were my home and now Im homeless. Now I dont know what to do with myself. I told you somethings I wouldve never told anybody and now you just have that information of me. Hopefully someday you can forget what I told you, just in case I never see you again. I love you and I miss you. I will never stop loving you Kai.

I wish you never hurt me the way that you did. You were my best friend and you've shattered my perception of love.

dear kai. you don't even consider me to be a best friend. yet i would sacrifice everything for you. i just wish things between us were different. you hate everything about yourself yet i think you're a galaxy because you have endless wonders. i like that about you. i wouldn't say i love you, but i do like you a whole ton. you're my friend now, and i never want to let you go, so that means i'm going to have to keep this to myself, because i know your a fact that you don't feel the same. love ya bro.

I miss you like crazy and god, I still have feelings for you. But I want you to be happy.. even without me. You like someone else and that okay, I understand. I just wish I could tell you how much I still love you..

i love you so much and you mean the world to me but i'm scared that you are gonna leave me like everyone else in my life

i love you, so much and probably wouldn’t be myself or happy without you. you’re my everything and you make me smile i know this may sound cheesy but it’s all true i really do love you :).