Unsent Messages

U were never my first big love or something like that, but u were my bestfriend for over 4 years. Thats a long time where we got to know each other better and better. U knew everything about me and I knew everything about u. It was the perfect friendship. U helped me in my baddest phases and so did I. We always wanted to see each other happy. We wanted to let each other love ourselves. It worked tho. U helped me zo get trough a lot of shit and kept me alive. Im still fuckin thankful for that. I always asked u if u were okay and u always responded with ''Yes I am''. U even promised it. I belived u. But actually, after 4 years of our friendship, I had to know that something is not okay with u. I didnt noticed it. And fuck. Now ur frickin gone and I cant do anything about that. U killed urself on the 29.08. I got the news by ur parents. U didnt left a note or something. U dont know how painful it was. My heart dropped and shattered into thousands of pieces in a sec. Ur gone forever and I know that its my fault. Im starting to fail everything rn. I fail school, I fail to have contact with others, I just push them away and hurt them, because I am the hurt one. And Im failing to keep myself alive lately. Its enormously hard and painful to just sit here in the dark at 4am and write this. It just hurts. I cant handle this shit anymore. I want help so bad, but I cant talk with anyone. I just cant. Im scared that they dont give a fuck. I just know that this doesnt help me. Its so painful. It hurts so bad. I miss u so fuckin much holy. I will try anything to make u proud Kai. Anything. Im trying. I love u and i will always love u.